Relaxing while dancing

[Twirly]

Please feel free to point me to an appropriate old thread if, as usual, this has been covered before…

Girls, how do you relax while dancing with a new and vastly more experienced partner? I find I can get lead through all sorts of moves I don’t know by someone I’m used to dancing with, but when I dance for the first time (and often second and third times, if I’m asked again ) with someone who is obviously very good, confident and tries to put me into moves I’ve never done before, it makes me very anxious and puts me off my stride. I mess up and feel an idiot, knowing I can do better.

I assume that it has something to do with trust – and from things I’ve read on this forum, particularly from a safety point of view, maybe I’m right not to trust too soon – or am I?

Any advice/tips would be appreciated, from the girls or the guys.

[Minnie M]

In answer to your question IMHO it is all in the lead, if your partner doesn't do a great deal of different moves but is more into music interpretation it is easier to 'switch-off' listen to the music and just let this wonderful person lead you around the floor

It also helps if :-
1) you have confidence in your own ability (dancing with said partner)
2) you have confidence in the lead
3) happy with the speed on the track
4) and how you feel at the time

(try dancing with DavidB )

[jivecat]

I find I can get lead through all sorts of moves I don’t know by someone I’m used to dancing with, but when I dance for the first time (and often second and third times, if I’m asked again ) with someone who is obviously very good, confident and tries to put me into moves I’ve never done before, it makes me very anxious and puts me off my stride. I mess up and feel an idiot, knowing I can do better.

I assume that it has something to do with trust – and from things I’ve read on this forum, particularly from a safety point of view, maybe I’m right not to trust too soon – or am I?

If they really are very good and very confident they should ideally be putting you at your ease by starting with easy & relaxed moves. It is not, IMO, the sign of an accomplished or considerate partner to start whipping you into complicated stuff before they've given you a chance to relax and find your feet. Also, there is the chance that you're assuming they are better than they really are because the moves seem complicated - in reality, he may be leading you with slight inaccuracies in timing or placement that make you feel that you are messing up, rather than him.

Of course, if you are tense and eager to please then there is a chance that you may fluff moves, or start to anticipate slightly. So I agree that clearing your mind and relaxing totally is the best way to proceed. I find that it helps me to remind myself that it is my responsibility to respond appropriately to the lead. BUT, it's the leader's responsibility to choose what moves are led, and if he has chosen to do moves that are challenging, then on his own head be it. The leader should ensure that he is capable of leading the move effectively with a person of the standard he has chosen to dance with.

I used to get extremely tense about dancing with certain people until some kind person introduced me to the dictum "IT'S ALWAYS THE MAN'S FAULT". He's the leader, he's supposed to be in control of the dance.
I can think of lots of occasions now where the lady has to bear some responsibility if the dance does not go smoothly, shall we say, but realising it was not solely my responsibility to make the dance successful helped me to relax. And then they DID go more smoothly!

Another way of looking at it is that if this good, confident, experienced partner has asked you for a second or third dance then he must really like the way you dance - so you might as well relax!

There hasn't been TTD for a while - and I think a lot of the stuff in this article applies equally to MJ.

http://www.gainesvilletango.org/What...<br /> <br />

[Twirly]

Thanks for the advice Minnie and JV.

Maybe I should have said "dancer who has lots of moves" rather than good! It's a general thing, particularly at the few freestyles I've been to where the guy and I have never seen each other before. But the post was inspired by being asked to dance with someone like this last night - for the third time, so I guess I must be doing something right! I did manage to relax and had a much better dance than the previous two weeks, when I was a disaster (although having new shoes on didn't exactly help, nor the awful floor... ) I'm learning, but it's sometimes tough. And he is being very helpful and supportive, so hopefully I'll get asked again

JV - the link didn't work properly when I first clicked on it, but I assume you meant me to read the article on the ideal tango partner? Wow What a dance that would be! If I found a partner like that, I'd never let him go!!! The man has to do all that and the woman's part seems so simple... yet something to aspire to.

I am dreadful for anticipating, and I'm trying very hard to stop it. Trouble is, when I do, I then miss leads...

Right, must do some deep beathing and relaxation before next class...

[Minnie M]

Maybe I should have said "dancer who has lots of moves" rather than good!

those sort of leads really annoy me - I will never forget the time I had a dance with a someone I had never danced with before who, when he realised I could follow OK, bomarded me with so many new moves

At the end of the dance he said "Wow, that was fantastic" - I felt a little guilty as I didn't really enjoy it, however, flattered by the 'compliment'. Then he said "I managed not to do same move twice in that dance, wasn't that good"

[Twirly]

A compliment maybe, but sounds like an endurance test.

Maybe what's happening then is that I'm dancing/following quite well, so they think that I'm more experienced than I am, so try stuff out on me thinking that I'll know how to do it? In which case I suppose that I should take it as a compliment. But as I've only been dancing a year, there's so much I don't know, and I get confused.

One of my favourite dancers at my local venue has danced with me since day one there and has always tailored what he does to my level, with lovely clean, clear leads. And now I know a bit more, he does slightly more complicated stuff, uses the music, etc. and I always have a great time and hardly ever miss a lead. Must tell him that sometime.

[Minnie M]

......Maybe what's happening then is that I'm dancing/following quite well, so they think that I'm more experienced than I am, so try stuff out on me thinking that I'll know how to do it? In which case I suppose that I should take it as a compliment. But as I've only been dancing a year, there's so much I don't know, and I get confused.

One of my favourite dancers at my local venue has danced with me since day one there and has always tailored what he does to my level, with lovely clean, clear leads. And now I know a bit more, he does slightly more complicated stuff, uses the music, etc. and I always have a great time and hardly ever miss a lead. Must tell him that sometime.

by jove I think you've got it

Being a good follower is often 'rewarded' by the leads trying their new moves on you - so it is a compliment really. However, it is also a good thing as the more moves used on you, the more experienced you will be and hence the more confident you will get and therefore you will be able to relax more with the dancers you actually enjoy dancing with

[jivecat]

JV - the link didn't work properly when I first clicked on it, but I assume you meant me to read the article on the ideal tango partner?

Yeah, sorry,my IT skills are utterly dreadful, I couldn't get the link to open either.

I am dreadful for anticipating, and I'm trying very hard to stop it. Trouble is, when I do, I then miss leads...

It's his job to put you where he wants you! If the lead is clear with adequate preparation you probably won't miss them. What helped me with this was dancing quite a bit with someone whose dance style was somewhat wild, over-complicated and unpredictable. The only way to cope was to totally abandon any will of my own and submit, but still maintain focus on the dance. Then I realised that I could actually carry out these moves.
Apparently, I was "a nightmare to lead" before that, as a dear friend of mine charmingly expressed it.

[Twirly]

The only way to cope was to totally abandon any will of my own and submit, but still maintain focus on the dance.

Hmm, this should be interesting as it goes totally against my nature! Would I be asking to much if I asked you to explain how you did that? The focus on the dance bit whilst abandoning and submitting?

[Minnie M]

.......... The focus on the dance bit whilst abandoning and submitting?

that's called following

[Twirly]

that's called following

You mean that's what I've been doing wrong all this time?!!

Time to switch brain off...

[jivecat]

Hmm, this should be interesting as it goes totally against my nature! Would I be asking to much if I asked you to explain how you did that? The focus on the dance bit whilst abandoning and submitting?

I'm glad to hear it's not in your nature! Can't describe it any better, unless it's to say relax, but keep concentrating. No daydreaming and mentally floating away, it's a dance, not a smear test. If you're worried about getting too submissive, don't worry, hang on in there as ladies get to be bossy again just after they've learned how to follow correctly.

[jivecat]

You mean that's what I've been doing wrong all this time?!!

Time to switch brain off...

Yes! But keep your body switched on.

[Lynn]

I know what you mean because I do this and its nothing to do with trust (for me anyway). Its that I can get into a downward spiral of realising I made a mistake and thinking about that mistake and therefore being distracted and more likely to make another, then realising that and getting even more anxious and doing something else wrong, then feeling the whole dance is getting worse... On the very worst occasion of this I had to stop dancing altogether and apologise (fortunately I was dancing with an understanding forumite ). Nothing to do with the lead, all to do with me.

I felt the same way when learning to drive so I know for me its just something I do when I'm learning. I should just relax and not think.

Jivecat has beaten me to it with the TTD (must go and look at that link) but its a big thing for me in tango at the moment. I was talking to someone at the weekend about the different 'connections' in tango - one was the connection with your own body and not being 'in your head' - not thinking overly much. He was trying to lead me and I was saying 'oh I should have done X then' when he really didn't mind if I had done something different.

I think I will dance tango much better when I stop thinking my way through the dance and start feeling my way, the music, connection and lead.

[straycat]

If they really are very good and very confident they should ideally be putting you at your ease by starting with easy & relaxed moves. It is not, IMO, the sign of an accomplished or considerate partner to start whipping you into complicated stuff before they've given you a chance to relax and find your feet.

Couldn't agree more. Even dancing with someone I know very well, I'll always start a dance gently - gauging their mood, the music, and our level of connection with the music and each other is essential for a fun dance - and no matter how many times you dance with someone, the dynamics always change from dance to dance.

Starting like this applies tenfold for someone you've never (or rarely) danced with before. Another thing for leaders - dancing to show off what you can do is the best way to look daft - showing off your partner, and making her look good will reflect back on you very well indeed Leading her badly through overly complex moves will not be good for either of you.

[David Bailey]

Yeah, sorry,my IT skills are utterly dreadful, I couldn't get the link to open either.

Here you go

(Nice article, by the way)

[Gadget]

Girls, how do you relax while dancing with a new and vastly more experienced partner?
~
I assume that it has something to do with trust – and from things I’ve read on this forum, particularly from a safety point of view, maybe I’m right not to trust too soon – or am I?

Any advice/tips would be appreciated, from the girls or the guys.

It is trust; you have to trust someone to relax with them. Three things can help;

- Try closing your eyes, even if it's just for a bit of the dance - when you realise that you can follow like that, then opening your eyes again takes a lot of pressure off 'looking' for a lead, fearing you will miss it, and you get to rely on 'feeling' for it instead.

- Make yourself easier to lead - if your arm was in plaster with one of those L-shaped body-braces, then when someone pushed it, you would pivot. The force applied to your hand rotates you about your 'center'. When dancing, it's so much easier to lead someone who has a similar 'frame' to this (not quite as ridged; the lead also needs to be able to re-shape your frame, and you need to be able to absorb bad leading, but you get the idea.)

- Try to ignore the lead - Ie don't think about it. Just sing along to the music or go "la-la-la" or count the beats and try to work out where the next break is coming. The more you listen, the more you may find that some of the moves actually tie in with what's going on in it - then you may find that you are listening/hearing the same things as the leader is, then you may both be able to come together more and have more chance of 'clicking'.

Hope this is of some use.

[under par]

. No daydreaming and mentally floating away, it's a dance,not a smear test

Sorry JC far too much information there

[Minnie M]

....... If you're worried about getting too submissive, don't worry, hang on in there as ladies get to be bossy again just after they've learned how to follow correctly.

so true

Great advice JC - in fact all posts are great

[LMC]

Agree that a really good lead will be aware of where your balance is, which means that you should be able to follow anything.

If I end up with someone who is a good lead but throwing all sorts of weird stuff at me, I love it, 'cos it makes me pay attention to following (rather than being slightly automatic pilot because however hard I try not to anticipate, when the same moves are led a lot, I find the muscle memory does take over in terms of balance/expectation). Best advice I was given, which I try to put into practice is "follow the hand" - watching the lead's chest also helps with your balance as there may well be clues to their 'intention' (direction) there (yet another tango 'technique', but may be not one to use excessively if a woman is leading you...)