Hugs are not the answer...

[CJ]

You know that physically, mentally and emotionally there is space for you to go even lower.

You know, too, that if that happens you are fairly sure that you are not going to be able to handle it.

What do you do?

(the reason that this is entitled "Hugs are not the answer" is because I am looking for answers, here, to a question and not looking for hugs in any shape or form.)

[KatieR]

You know that physically, mentally and emotionally there is space for you to go even lower.

You know, too, that if that happens you are fairly sure that you are not going to be able to handle it.

What do you do?

(the reason that this is entitled "Hugs are not the answer" is because I am looking for answers, here, to a question and not looking for hugs in any shape or form.)

You are obviously aware that there is something - an action/event/behaviour that going to cause you to go even lower. You have a decision to make.

Sit down and do some real hard thinking.

If you end up in that really low place and aren't handling it just make sure you dont shut people out that could possibly help you but dont lash out at those people that are just trying to help (that ones coming from experience as well) and try not to think too far ahead.

Make sure you do take a few days, and a few days only, to really be miserable. It is ok to have a little melt down, but prepare yourself and tell yourself that you will only allow yourself this meltdown for a few days. then try to begin to find things you can do that take your mind of stuff as hard as it is. Try and think of something you have always wanted to do in your life and just do it. Find ways of getting your self worth back.

Sometimes thinking of happy things/thoughts/memories can make it worse just so just try and keep yourself constant and try not to think too much.

[azande]

You know that physically, mentally and emotionally there is space for you to go even lower.

You know, too, that if that happens you are fairly sure that you are not going to be able to handle it.

What do you do?

(the reason that this is entitled "Hugs are not the answer" is because I am looking for answers, here, to a question and not looking for hugs in any shape or form.)

Ask for help, no matter how hard it might be (and I know), don't assume you can get out of it on your own.

[KatieR]

Ask for help, no matter how hard it might be (and I know), don't assume you can get out of it on your own.

Good advice, although, it is easy enough to say to someone yeah, go get some help, i know its hard, but get help. I know its the last thing I want to hear.

I want to kick and scream and shout and hit things.

but the thing is to know that it is ok to do that, but in a controlled environment. A powerful tool that I have used in the past and others have taken my advise on this one is to get in the shower and let everything you feel out. Cry, scream, yell, holler - whatever it takes for as long as it takes. You wear yourself out, no one gets hurt, except maybe the wall and I can guarantee it will make you feel better.

[MartinHarper]

Then don't go lower.
Your emotions are not a curse inflicted upon you by an arbitrary god. They are your emotions and under your control.

[Donna]

I often find that when feeling low, exercise helps! Hard to get into at first, but once you start, you can't stop, and you feel so much better later on! Keep dancing that is!

[Sparkles]

What do you do?

Try to shift your focus.

If the thing that is likely to make you feel lower is out of your control take positive control of another part of your life and use that to focus your energies.

Don't give in - accepting that you're going to feel lower and not get out of it is part way to losing the fight. Acknowledging the 'problem' is vital, but acknowledge it, do what you can to stop/change/avoid it and then shift your focus on to something positive.

If you're having trouble finding something positive, call upon your friends - they're an invaluable source of help in this area. Surround yourself with positive people, keep active and, wherever possible, try to talk through the issues you're facing with people who care about you.
Isolation is unlikely to work, especially as a long term solution - though a good scream/cry can often help to get rid of fustrations and is quite therapeutic.

[LMC]

These are the things that work for me.

Time out is not a bad idea, as long as you don't let it get out of hand - set yourself a limit, like locking yourself away for a weekend, doing bugger all unless you want to, but 'deciding' that you ARE going to get up, get dressed and go to work on Monday.

Eat well - make sure you're getting plenty of fruit & veg.

Don't feel that you have to identify why you're depressed - unless it's obvious and there's something practical you can do about it. Don't beat yourself up about being depressed.

Be careful who you 'share' with. As you have so accurately identified, sometimes hugs are not the answer. You know who makes you feel better and who makes you feel worse - try to avoid people who are negative, or who will happily join in a pity party but don't really make you feel better. Unfortunately, some people out there are anxious to help you because it makes themselves feel better. Sometimes the best help they can give you is to leave you alone and not demand you share every detail of how rotten you feel so they can tell you what a poor thing you are, how they feel for you etc.

Make lists - and make each task as small as possible. Actually being bothered to brush your teeth or remembering to put the rubbish out can be achievement when you're feeling really down. Decide who and what is/are important/necessary in your life and save your energy for them. Learn to say no.

By all means fight the negative behaviour, but don't fight the feelings. Being depressed does not have to stop you from being a functioning human being - rather than beating yourself up about your shortcomings, focus on achievements, however small ("I'm depressed, but hey, I still managed to get to work on time, well done me").

Last, think about how you would feel about/sympathise/empathise with/support a close friend who is feeling the way that you are now. You deserve the same kindess - be nice to yourself.

[plankton]

You could try a preemptive process to reduce the existing stressors and set yourself up with more headroom to deal with future events. I used a self help tape called "freedom now" (also known as the Sedona method). I got it from lifetools. its a bit new agey and I found I used very little of it after a year or so but the bit that stuck is a very simple technique I paraphrase from the instructions:-

It works on the simple premise that you can do three things with emotions, internalise them which is bad for you ,
externalise them which is bad for everyone else
or just let them go which doesn't hurt anybody

so 1. focus yourself on the feeling , really get into it (I get to feel it in my chest for instance)
2. ask yourself the question " could I let this feeling go ?" (you will get no the first few times thats the wallow in it stage) go back to 1.
when you get a yes at 2
3. ask yourself the question " when? " if you can't say "now" go back to 1 untill you can, it usually only takes a few trys.
when you say now you should feel a lifting as if a weight is removed.

if you can't imagine the letting go process hold a pencil in your clenched fist and then open the fist palm down so the pencil drops

It sounds daft but it works (for me) for all manner of things and you don't have to identify what it is that is causing the problem just get rid of the feeling it is causing.

Strangely they also recommend letting go of good feelings as well, the good ones come back !

The process becomes automatic as the pressure builds up you recognise and release it ...

hope this helps

keith

[TiggsTours]

Try this, I tried it last night, and it has made me feel so much better.

I've been really low for a while now, there's so much going on in my life right now that its all been getting on top of me, and I felt that one more thing on the pile of worries was going to make me break. So last night, I sat down and made a list.

I litterally made a list of everything that's been getting me down, one by one, in no particular order, just as they came to me. Then I divided the list into 4 lists:

1. Things I can do something about right now
2. Things I can do something about, not right now, but I know what to do
3. Things I need to do something about, not sure what, but I need to
4. Things I can do nothing about

The things in the last list I just put to one side, I can't do anything about them (like my dad having cancer) so what's the point in worrying about them, its not going to change anything.

I started with the first list, "things I can do something about right now", and I did exactly what needed to be done, or at least will do them by the end of this week, list gone, nothing to worry about.

Next I went to the second list, "things I can do something about, not right now, but I know what to do", I made a note of exactly what needs to be done, and when I need to do it, made notes in my diary, no need to worry about any of that anymore, as I know I will sort them out in their own good time, and I know how.

Then I was left with just the one list, "things I need to do something about, not sure what, but I need to", this is without a doubt the hardest list to deal with, but now its a really short list, big problems maybe, but still short. The list seems so much easier to deal with, and I also don't have any problem with asking for help with it. When you just seem to be pouring out one problem after another you feel like nobody would want to help, or be able to, so there's nowhere to turn, but if you get it down to just one or two issues, it just seems so much easier to deal with!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders today, and it feels great!

I hope this works for you, and you sort your problems out too.

[Minnie M]

silly though it may seem - but a good cry makes me feel better

If I have time out - the way back becomes really really hard.

Using your friends helps, that what friends are for - the bad as well as the good times -

consentrate on the positive and try to ignor the negative and

get rid of negative friends (well for the duration anyway)

Starting a thread like this is the perfect move forward

[jacksondonut]

You know that physically, mentally and emotionally there is space for you to go even lower.

You know, too, that if that happens you are fairly sure that you are not going to be able to handle it.

What do you do?

(the reason that this is entitled "Hugs are not the answer" is because I am looking for answers, here, to a question and not looking for hugs in any shape or form.)

Everyone above has given such caring and valuable solutions, there is much truth, and each and every persons experience has tremendous value... and how fantastic it is, that they truly want to help..

My only little bit that I can add is; when you do hit your 'rock bottom', the only way then to go is up.. there is no where else to go. In my own personal experience, which is the only thing I can draw on, desperation will point you in a direction you may not have even thought of before.. I found the help I needed in a twelve step programme of recovery, because my life had become ****, I couldnt cope and I had terrible self-esteem/confidence issues. In the end... I HAD TO CHANGE. (it was terribly hard and took the longest time)

The hardest thing in the world to do is ask for help.. but it IS there if YOU choose to ask, that is a choice we all have to make, or go under. I chose to change MY life, its not perfect and never will be, and today, that is ok. I am actually quite happy with that, and it does get better. I have had to take control of my own destiny.

The key words I guess for me, were Change and Choices. We all have that power as human beings.

NB. In the beginning, the loving support of friends/family I had, kept me going.... but in the end, hugs were not enough for me either. The focus HAD to be on myself.

Good Luck.

[Dance Demon]

OK....heres what worked for me.....
I was supposed to be boxing for Scotland in the Commonwealth games in Australia. Instead I was in hospital with both legs in plaster, after being cut out of my car in a crash. I felt really miserable and became a real pain in the erse. was lying feeling sorry for myself one day, when the nursing staff brought in a contraption that consisted of a long bar, with hoops at either end, and straps along its length. I asked what it was, and was told there was a patient coming in with spinal injuries, and he couldn't lie on a bed. He was attached at the hoops with his head & feet, and the straps supported at strategic points. It was that that made me think...Johnnny boy, your legs will get better,and you'll walk again, but this poor guy is destined for a life of pain, suffering and dependancy. it shook me out of my depression. So now, no matter what happens to me, I always think about how much worse it could be, and that it is only a temporary setback that will in time pass. Hope this helps mate, and I know that sometimes it takes more than hugs......but the hugs do help, so don't refuse them....keep the chin up

[Little Monkey]

Sometimes, when you're so low you don't think it's humanly possible to get any lower, it's very difficult to think straight, or to listen to sound (or not so sound) advice. You know that exercise (a long walk on the beach, dancing, a walk in the park) helps, but you're so low you can't even face leaving the house. You know talking to someone could help, but you can't even make yourself pick up the phone.....

Been there, done that. Lots. And it's sh*t. And you barely think you can make it through.

Just try to remember there are people who care about you, more than you probably realise. And if you do manage to pick up the phone, there will always be someone out there who will listen, and maybe even cry with you. They might even be able to help solve some of your problems, and have a different view of whatever thoughts/ problems you have, or situation you're in.

When I'm extremely low, I sometimes have smashing sessions in my studio. I pick pieces that have gone wrong, stand on the table, and hurl them as hard as I can on the floor (or into a bin, if I can think that clearly). After a good smashing session (which will also involve lots of swearing and shouting), I normally break down and sob myself empty. After that I'm much calmer, and can think more clearly.....

I also find, if I can, that a really brisk walk (preferrably on a beach or in a forest), until I'm so tired I nearly drop, will calm me down a lot.

I hope you're ok.

Cathrine x

[johnthehappyguy]

Think of your daughter Robert.

She needs her Dad,

Perhaps it doesn't look like she needs you right now, but she definitely will in the future.




Gather up the reserves of strength you have. Start to do, and the energy will come.



Best wishes,

John

[mrs_warwick]

Do you feel this way a lot?
Have you talked to your GP? I know a lot of people have problems with the idea of taking medication to beat depression, but if you have true clinical depression rather than just going through a down patch, sometimes medication (combined with therapy/councilling) is the best way to give you that push you need to get things back onto an even keel. It may take some time to find the right combination and level of drugs, but it can help a lot. Once you get the brain chemistry under control, you can appreciate the benefits of exercise/bracing walks, counting your blessings...

[Ghost]

You know that physically, mentally and emotionally there is space for you to go even lower.

You know, too, that if that happens you are fairly sure that you are not going to be able to handle it.

What do you do?

Turn and run and don't look back! The Edge is a very bad place to be. It plays tricks with you and turns you around, makes you see things that aren't real and not believe what is.

I know a lot of people who've been there. For them the choice was fairly simple. Stay and die or leave and maybe one day start to heal. I will give you fair warning. The Edge lasts a lot longer than you'd think.

"Not another one. I'm tired of having my friends die"
"Grow inside. Let your own roots, not someone elses. Go deep within you. Discover who you really are and not who the coyotes say you are. You need to find your own definition of yourself"
~ Marc MacYoung

"When you see the scars on their wrists you realise this isn't a game anymore" ~ Me

One other piece of advice - you're gonna screw this up, a lot. Accept this. Every time you screw up, you have to get up again and keep backing away from the edge. Don't beat yourself up over it (ok you probably will anyway, but try not to too much). Just keep going.

Oh and don't underestimate dancing. A single smile has helped pull a lot of people back.

Be Well,
Christopher

[Baruch]

Then don't go lower.
Your emotions are not a curse inflicted upon you by an arbitrary god. They are your emotions and under your control.

If only life was always that simple. However, I've had enough experience with clinically depressed and otherwise mentally ill people to know that this just isn't true, sorry. Often one's emotions are at the mercy of one's brain chemistry, in which case antidepressants can help a great deal.

CJ, I don't know you personally or your situation, but if it's an ongoing problem with depression then go and see your doctor immediately. The sooner you get help, the sooner you can get back on an even keel.

[TiggsTours]

Do you feel this way a lot?
Have you talked to your GP? I know a lot of people have problems with the idea of taking medication to beat depression, but if you have true clinical depression rather than just going through a down patch, sometimes medication (combined with therapy/councilling) is the best way to give you that push you need to get things back onto an even keel. It may take some time to find the right combination and level of drugs, but it can help a lot. Once you get the brain chemistry under control, you can appreciate the benefits of exercise/bracing walks, counting your blessings...

If you don't want to see a doctor, taking St Johns Wort, which is a natural herbal remedy for depression, is surprisingly effective. Its worth a try at least.

[Aleks]

Wot she said!