View Poll Results: Is it ok to say no to someone who:

Voters
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  • Boring to dance with

    15 10.27%
  • Exhausting to dance with

    26 17.81%
  • Wrong type of dancer

    16 10.96%
  • Far too good/intimidating for me

    7 4.79%
  • Sleazy/ smelly

    112 76.71%
  • Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy

    62 42.47%
  • Often leaves me feeling depressed

    38 26.03%
  • Once caused me a serious injury

    82 56.16%
  • I don’t know him/her

    4 2.74%
  • I ‘just don’t get’ him/her

    19 13.01%
  • Special song for someone else

    64 43.84%
  • Other

    32 21.92%
Multiple Choice Poll.
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Thread: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

  1. #121
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by robd
    In fairness to this unknown leader, he may well have seen you dancing some lovely blues (as I am sure you do ), thought 'that's outta my league' and then asked/ been asked by someone he felt more confident about dancing with. I am not saying this is the right or wrong approach but it's one I have taken in the past.

    Robert
    Until you were put right.

  2. #122
    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me?
    There's a lady dancer in Scotland who is at least a head taller than me. (I've guess she's maybe 6'6"?) I love dancing with her, and she never seemed to have a problem with me (she's usually quick to ask me for a dance if I haven't already.)

    Sure, turns and such are a bit trickier, but I've even done pretzels without major difficulty.

    I guess though she may have problems with other guys who aren't so careful...
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

  3. #123
    Registered User Whitebeard's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Anna

    *gulp* because they were.. really really old
    I've really, really, really, gone off you my girl.

    (As if you care a monkey's about that ! )

  4. #124
    Registered User Anna's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I regretted it the moment I wrote that no but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them.. and that combined with the lecherism that all men at Salsa practice, isnt that nice

  5. #125
    Registered User Whitebeard's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Anna

    I regretted it the moment I wrote that no but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them.. and that combined with the lecherism that all men at Salsa practice, isnt that nice
    OK, all is forgiven - but I'll refrain from giving you a hug in caase you think I'm being lecherous. Seriously, it can't be that bad or you'd give up on the Salsa.

  6. #126
    Basically lazy robd's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella
    Until you were put right.

  7. #127
    Registered User Zuhal's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    Am I allowed to turn down leaders who are more than a head shorter than me? snip

    I don't have a problem dancing with much shorter followers, and even as a beginner lead, think I adapt reasonably well - but then I'm not having to turn so much.
    I am 6' 1" and have danced with several ladies 4" 6" and yes 12" taller than me. So I adapt.
    What I always admire is when they make no compromise and just see where the dance goes.

    I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress

    Zuhal

  8. #128
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zuhal

    I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress

    Zuhal
    I know of a few men that would do as many leans as possible in that situation.

  9. #129
    Basically lazy robd's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zuhal
    I don't do lots of hammerlock moves with certain shaped ladies in the same way that it is dangerous to lean someone who looks like they are going to fall out of their dress

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella
    I know of a few men that would do as many leans as possible in that situation.

    Who are we to try and defy the natural wonder that is gravity?

  10. #130
    Clovis
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Apologies if any of this has been said, but it's a long thread to take in.

    It seems to me the answer to this question depends on if you are expected to lead or follow.

    As a leader, I think it is generally rude to refuse to dance. I once did, though I was wearing a coat, carrying a big bag, and walking straight at the exit which was five metres away. I think the poor girl was nervous, and I danced with her often on later nights.

    There are few followers who dance so incredibly badly (with no sign of ever improving) that you wouldn't ever want to lead them. If only for the challenge of helping them get better.

    I guess hypothetically you might get a follower who was so smelly you couldn't dance with her, but this hasn't come up. Followers tend to smell faintly of flowers (or ashes, obviously). Perhaps there is something about leading which affects body odour?

    Following, however, seems to me to be something where one might just not feel like dancing at any given time. If a lead is rebuffed, he should try again a couple of times on other nights. Then take the hint. But not get offended by it.

    Of course, women who don't like a bloke's dancing (for any of the reasons in the poll) don't have to say no. Just smile sweetly and say "I'd love to! Do you mind if I lead?". This would work on a whole bunch of different levels, even if you have never lead a dance in your life before. The worst that could happen is that he would decline, and then you don't have to dance with him and it is him who has been 'rude'.

  11. #131
    Registered User Lee's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Clovis
    As a leader, I think it is generally rude to refuse to dance.
    Still don't agree entirely, i generally say 'yes I’d love' to but don't think it's rude to say no, it's rude to use an excuse with one person which then becomes invalid moments later when dancing with a younger prettier girl (for example).

    Quote Originally Posted by Clovis
    Of course, women who don't like a bloke's dancing (for any of the reasons in the poll) don't have to say no. Just smile sweetly and say "I'd love to! Do you mind if I lead?". This would work on a whole bunch of different levels, even if you have never lead a dance in your life before. The worst that could happen is that he would decline, and then you don't have to dance with him and it is him who has been 'rude'.
    This is the best idea i've heard for ladies

    Lee

  12. #132
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Surely the thing you have to think about in refusing a dance (be you a man or a woman) is the likely knock on effect.

    No one likes being refused particularly. If you refuse someone (especially if you do it more than once) you run the risk of that person not asking you again.

    OK there might be a few occasions when that will be a good result for you - sleazebags, smelly people and the like.

    But it might not be so good if it's someone you actually might be happy to dance with, even if only occasionally. Especially if you're a woman and there's a shortage of guys.

    As a man I can only speak about women in this way, but I've certainly come across women who have developed a reputation for turning people down for no real reasons and ended up with no partners at all as a result. Whether there are any men who've put themselves in that situation I don't know.

    Speaking personally I don't think I've ever actually said no when asked by a woman though there have been occasions when I've sort of regretted it - I just tend to smile graciously in that circumstance though and what's two or three minutes of my time if it makes someone else happy?

    If I actually want to take a break I try to make it clear by moving as far from the dance floor as I can, standing at the bar holding a drink or whatever.

    Andy

  13. #133
    Registered User Wouldbe's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Andybroom View Post
    If I actually want to take a break I try to make it clear by moving as far from the dance floor as I can, standing at the bar holding a drink or whatever.
    This is a good point. If I'm silly enough to hang around the dance floor not wanting to dance and give the opportunity for someone I didn't particularly want to dance with to ask me, then I'd never refuse.

    If I'm not wanting another dance/ not wanting a dance with a certain punter I'd make a beeline for the door in all the confusion that ensues at the end of a song so that no one got the chance to grab me!

    As long as you're happy to keep dancing, the best thing I find to avoid needing to refuse a dance you weren't looking forward to, is just to keep asking people you do want to dance with. Knackering, but very satisfying!

  14. #134
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Msfab View Post
    Im not sure height does matter. There used to be a much shorter guy than me at a guildford venue i used to go to, I always enjoyed our dances (his only trouble was that he was the duracel bunny - really fast but good). I never had my head knocked by him in fact he was one of the only ones id do anything pretzely with.
    There were some taller guys that would without fail always hit me on the head, not raise their arm enough for even a return without burying their knuckles in my head.
    If you really feel uncomfortable with shorter leads, then Id try my best to avoid being asked, hide under a table!

    It is strange. I too have never been knocked by shorter guys around the head. I agree it is always the tall ones that mess up my hairdo. Can anyone explain this?

  15. #135
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    There's one female dancer in particular I will either avoid if I can or say no with some excuse if she does ask me to dance.

    She goes to my Weekly class, and she's always trying to back lead me. Now ok, I know I don't have very many moves, but they're my moves. She can be quite insistent at times, and sometimes I actually have to struggle to make any sort of lead at all.

    It's one think hijacking one or two moves, but not the whole dance. So invariable I have to become a much more firm lead.. which goes against my principles and once I'm in control she just scowls and frowns at every move I make.

    I'm not the only one in my local venue who doesn't like dancing with her so it's not just me.

    so yes, I will turn down dances with particular people because I just don't like dancing with them for whatever reason.

  16. #136
    Registered User Twirly's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    It is strange. I too have never been knocked by shorter guys around the head. I agree it is always the tall ones that mess up my hairdo. Can anyone explain this?
    I've noticed this too.

    I can only assume that it's because the shorter guys have more awareness that they need to be careful and avoid bashing their partner over the head. Whereas the taller guys just assume that they won't.

    I'm slightly taller than average, and I think that fools them sometimes (I suspect that if I was much taller, that they'd realise they have to think about it more). I sometimes feel as if I've got a target painted on my head that they feel they have to aim at... particularly if it's hot and I've put my hair up It rarely lasts more than one dance before I have to retreat to the loos to put it up again.

    As for turning particular people down, yes there is one person I really try to avoid dancing with (usually by avoiding eye contact or wandering off if I see him approaching). He dances like a maniac and makes me feel really uncomfortable. If I'm on the dancefloor with someone else and he's nearby, I usually ask my partner if we can move away as he has no awareness of the other people around him. I did turn him down a few months back because I was, genuinely, too hot. However he seems to have taken offence and also avoids me now - result!

  17. #137
    B.O.G.O.F. fletch's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Twirly View Post
    I've noticed this too.

    I can only assume that it's because the shorter guys have more awareness that they need to be careful and avoid bashing their partner over the head. Whereas the taller guys just assume that they won't.
    I used to get realy up set when the guy fluffed my hair up

    I don't bother now unless I have a clip in and it get realy knocked I have started to fluff my own hair while dancing as part of my dance style, I don't know if it looks ok (the move that is not the hair)

  18. #138
    Registered User frodo's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Anna View Post
    ... but I mean so old I thought I might break their arm off while dancing with them..
    It does bring up that one possibly reason not listed to turn someone down is fear of them sustaining on injury, or fear of the greater damage an accident may cause.

    Particularly on a fast track or a floor where people with limited floorcraft are moving quickly.

    This could be because of general fragility, but unsuitable footwear and jewelry such as big loop earings.


    In a way if you're being asked you could say they've accepted that risk. On the other hand different people have different risk thresholds.

  19. #139
    Registered User Mezzosoprano's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I've only ever refused someone once and that was someone I usually dance with... I had cracked ribs and pneumonia at the time so I figure that it was okay to say "no"! Funny thing is that at one function, I was asked to dance heaps by this one person who really made me feel uncomfortable but I was always told that you couldn't refuse a dance... I took to almost running any time I saw him heading in my direction.. made for some very short conversations that night!

  20. #140
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by fletch View Post

    I don't bother now unless I have a clip in and it get realy knocked I have started to fluff my own hair while dancing as part of my dance style, I don't know if it looks ok (the move that is not the hair)
    You've started to get your own style and it looks good - dont knock it babes

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