View Poll Results: Is it ok to say no to someone who:

Voters
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  • Boring to dance with

    15 10.27%
  • Exhausting to dance with

    26 17.81%
  • Wrong type of dancer

    16 10.96%
  • Far too good/intimidating for me

    7 4.79%
  • Sleazy/ smelly

    112 76.71%
  • Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy

    62 42.47%
  • Often leaves me feeling depressed

    38 26.03%
  • Once caused me a serious injury

    82 56.16%
  • I don’t know him/her

    4 2.74%
  • I ‘just don’t get’ him/her

    19 13.01%
  • Special song for someone else

    64 43.84%
  • Other

    32 21.92%
Multiple Choice Poll.
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Thread: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

  1. #21
    Registered User Zebra Woman's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Oops, I'm not saying this is a good reason OK. This is probably not a good reason for refusing a dance.


    I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song especially if it's a really fast one. I will try and get back to them later though.

    Sometimes I just can't bear going through the motions. I'd rather wait and genuinely enjoy the dance.

    I also won't always be honest about my reason, I think a stranger who didn't know me would take it the wrong way. Some friends often instinctively know not to even ask especially if it's a song they don't like either.

    This ties in with my driving all over the place to find DJs that I like. I really hate refusing a dance because I dislike the song and try to minimise it.

    Sorry everyone

    ZW

  2. #22
    Not a spoon! Lou's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zebra Woman
    I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song
    Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.

    Or if it's a lovely chap doing the asking to a dreadful song. What a shame to waste a good dance on an awful song....

  3. #23
    Senior Member Minnie M's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zebra Woman
    I sometimes turn people down because I don't like the song
    Quote Originally Posted by Lou
    Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.
    Or if it's a lovely chap doing the asking to a dreadful song. What a shame to waste a good dance on an awful song....
    (see my post on page 1)
    Quote Originally Posted by Minnie M
    I have turned down dances because the track was so unispiring, it would be such "hard work" to dance with anyone to it - but I ALWAYS go back later and ask them and hope they have forgiven me
    Don't feel so bad about it now


    --ooOoo--
    Age is a question of mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter
    Leroy (Satchel) Paige (1906-1982)

    Mickey Mouse's girlfriend, Minnie, made her film debut, along with Mickey, in "Steamboat Willie" on November 18, 1928.
    That date is recognized as her official birthday.

  4. #24
    Registered User Whitebeard's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lou

    Me too. Particularly if it's anything by Shania.
    But even she is better than Kylie's crap.

  5. #25
    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

  6. #26
    Registered User CeeCee's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Originally posted by tsh
    we dance because we enjoy it, and if someone doesn't want to dance with me for any reason, I think I'd rather dance with someone who does want to dance with me!
    Couldn’t agree more.
    Originally posted by Trish
    There are a couple of guys who I just don't get - they don't get me either I don't think…
    Originally posted by Tessalicious
    do you think any person-specific reason is sufficient justification for refusing to dance with that person?
    Originally posted by Piglet
    There's one other guy I'm not going to dance with again as well - for probably the stupidest reason going…

    Dancing is about having fun and the potential for mutual enjoyment is paramount.

    I can’t think of another social activity where we invite strangers to share our personal space. If someone makes us feel uncomfortable there is no need to excuse it, justify it or explain it to anyone.

    We make our own choices so just say no.

    (of course, how we choose to say it is another matter but the message is still the same)

  7. #27
    Registered User latinlover's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Will
    I'd add - "If you've already danced with them that night".

    yep I'm the same
    there are so many people I want to dance with because I know them and like them and their dancing that I hardly ever dance more than once with anyone (except her indoors of course)in the same night
    there are a couple of "drooly" exceptions to this rule and they know who they are......and I hope they find their exceptional status flattering ,because that is the intention

    I really HATE "Fire" with a passion (and a couple of others not quite so passionately) and I refuse absolutely everybody who asks me ,without exception, no matter how wonderful they are(actually I may be lying there ,but I daren't admit to it)

    I only refuse in the case of "special song" (which ,on a good night at Jango or similar can be more than 50%!) ,and I always try and find the person later to make up for it. Otherwise I always avoid rather than refuse

  8. #28
    Registered User Danielle's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Yes!!! I got accidentally elbowed in the eye last night (and it still really hurts today too ) so was sitting off the dance for with a napkin full of eye over my eye when I guy asked me to dance - I think I was very justified in saying no at that point!!!

  9. #29
    Registered User Lynn's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Will
    I'd add - "If you've already danced with them that night".
    I wouldn't refuse to dance with someone because I already had danced with them that night*. I probably wouldn't ask them, (or look hopefully at them hoping they would ask me), but I wouldn't refuse. And if someone had asked me for a dance, and several hours later I came back and asked them for one and they refused with the reason 'I already danced with you tonight' I would assume it was because they really hadn't enjoyed the earlier dance. So while it might be considered a 'good reason' it would leave me feeling a bit flat.

    (*Though I did refuse someone at Southport who I had already had 5 dances with in less than an hour.)

  10. #30
    Registered User DianaS's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by jivecat
    Most of the times I get asked to dance to Fire, it's business as usual with a brisk procession of pretzelly things, side to sides and wurlitzers, so it's about as intimate as buying a ticket on the Number 24 bus.

    Having had all concept of musicality screened out of their DNA pre-conception still isn't a good enough reason for me to turn them down, though.
    Hmmm are you sure

  11. #31
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I'm missing a "No" option on the poll...
    {Below written from my point of view; as a lead - I think that the rules are probably different for followers.}

    Boring to dance with - Who's boring? What's Boring? It's as boring as you make it - if you find a dance with anyone boring, then it's your own fault.

    Exhausting to dance with - Perhaps plea a rest, and delay the dance. But there are techniques to reduce the amount of energy you expend on dance floor and "tame" exuberant dancers enough to catch breath. Lerrn them. (Ask DavidB )

    Wrong type of dancer - If you have an "incompatable" type of dancer, then perhaps you should broaden your horizons and learn to dance with someone that wants to dance with you.

    Far too good/intimidating for me - toughie, but they have asked you; it may be intimidating, but bite the bullet: what's the worst that is likley to happen? You get some criticism that makes you a better dancer.

    Sleazy/ smelly - I don't agree that these to are joined - if someone is smelly, then a delay or posponment of "Yea, after you've changed your shirt and freshened up". Rarely is this a social arrogance.
    Slease however is. It's the only one I would cosider being a valid point for refusal for a follower... even then, it's more "Creepy" or "Seedy" than "sleasy": there's nothing wrong with the occasional hot, raunchy and sleasy dance with the right partner

    Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy I don't know about battered, but if you mean "strained" or with sore muscles, then the probable cause is trying to dominate too much; you have a simple choice of dancing with them as you would everyone else, trying to force them do dance the way you want or relaxing and going with it, trying to minimise the 'strain'.
    Dizzyness should simply be a matter of telling the lead not to do very many spins; that you get dizzy easily or are still dizzy from the last dance. I've heard this a few times and respond by try to lead more promanades and linear or sliding moves than turning or spinning ones.

    Often leaves me feeling depressed I'm sorry - I simply don't understand the concept - I've never left the dance floor with anything other than a smile. {Actually a lie - I've had to stop and take a partner off the floor a couple of times Those times it's look of concern and deep embarrasment}

    Once caused me a serious injury - perhaps, if they are still doing the same things... but if you have recovered and you have both grown more experinced in the interem, would you not give them another chance? Perhaps your dancing has improved so that the risk of anything like that happpening again is neglagable. If it were me, and I saw someone I knew I had injured, I would like a chance to make ammends and prove to them I am not that bad. To be refused for past crimes denys all hope of forgiveness or rehabilitation.

    I don’t know him/her? Why? It's against the whole ethos prodominent in MJ venues. If you are refusing on these grounds, then perhaps MJ is not for you.

    I ‘just don’t get’ him/herand this should stop you trying? "I'm sorry, I won't dance with you because I can't hear what you are dancing to". Perhaps asking them to show you what they are dancing to would help you 'get' that partner. Communicate. Don't just blank them out because you don't understand.

    Special song for someone else Sure... if they are there... and if they are free. But this is not a refusal; it's mearly a postponment.

    Poor musicMusic is only a third of the dance - you can hate a peice of music with vengance, but still have a fabulous dance to it. You will now never know, and the moment has passed. Is it really so bad that you would rather be sat on your butt than dancing?

    If you had already dance with themAnd they are asking you again... OK if it's the third or fourth, then perhaps... but I would take it as a compliment. It can always be posponed and refulsals immediatly after dancing with that same person is seldom received badly. {Unless you're antipodean I beleive }

    No: there is never a good reason to refuse a dance.The only 'plausable' reason for point blank refusing I have seen is injury {assides the 'creep' above}. But IMO if you're that badly injured, you shouldn't be dancing - give it a chance to heal.

  12. #32
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by DianaS
    I turned a guy down last night and didn't think twice about it It was Fire and I wasn't in the mood
    Shouold have danced with him later but just thought why ask a total stranger to dance that intimately with you?
    I never really understood why folks want to get close to that song. Yes, it's slow. Yes, it's got the "musicality-for-dummies" thing. It just doesn't say "intimate" to me - more like church music than bedroom music.

  13. #33
    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by MartinHarper
    "musicality-for-dummies"
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

  14. #34
    Registered User timbp's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gadget
    Once caused me a serious injury
    This is the one that's surprised me most. I can understand if you know someone has caused and injury and their dancing is likely to cause injury in future. But the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner.

    [PLEASE NOTE: "you" in this post refers to UK dancers (particularly women), not to Gadget. I just happened to choose his post to quote when I replied.]

    At the venues I go to (in Sydney), there are almost always more men than women. But reading this forum, I get the impression that men are in extremely short supply in the UK.
    But the forum (many threads, many posters) also gives me the impression that the general response to something going wrong in a dance once is to not dance with that person again.

    So, from here, based entirely on general impressions from this forum, I infer that any man who misjudges once, leading to pain in his partner, or dips his partner too close to someone else, will never get asked for another dance.

    And so I wonder: if you want more men dancing, should you consider telling them (politely) why you didn't enjoy the dance and how they could improve their dancing?
    If you simply refuse to accept dances from that man in future, then, rather than improving, he is likely to give up dancing, and you will be left complaining on the forum that there's nobody to dance with.

    Tim

    Competing interests: I am a man who dances and sometimes causes pain to my partner through my own errors. So far, they've all still accepted dances from me (and even asked me to dance).

  15. #35
    Registered User LMC's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I haven't actually voted on the poll yet because I'm still thinking about a lot of them.

    But from a follower's point of view, I do disagree with Gadget on the below:

    Boring to dance with: Some leads ARE boring to dance with. First timer who can only remember 2 moves from the class and who would be completely thrown by any attempt on your part to throw in any more but absolutely minimal and non-playing-type styling to keep yourself amused. That absolutely does NOT mean that I would turn them down.

    Exhausting to dance with: I agree with postponement rather than 'refusal' - I've danced a few times with a lovely guy who always seems to dance at double time - even to the fastest tracks - but because he is on time, he's quite good fun on some tracks - but never ever ever a slow one... Unfortunately, again, as a follower, there is little you can do about controlling exhausting leads unless you hijack.

    Often leaves me feeling battered or dizzy: For the first, no real choice as a follower - I would only turn down if I knew it was an experienced dancer who has no intention of changing 'whatever' bad habit. Guys who insist on turning me six times, followed by a spin will get told that I'm dizzy and asked not to do so many turns - or give it a bit of a rest between them, thank you very much. I wouldn't turn them down though, the head rush can be fun as long as I don't fall over

  16. #36
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by timbp
    So, from here, based entirely on general impressions from this forum, I infer that any man who misjudges once, leading to pain in his partner, or dips his partner too close to someone else, will never get asked for another dance.
    I think there's a difference between pain (some of us older dancers have days when every dance causes us some pain ) and "serious injury". In particular, if someone says "I won't dance with X after he hurt me" I think you can assume we're talking about more than a little discomfort. Another big strike is when the situation is "X hurt me and didn't seem concerned about it".

    One big cultural difference - here drops are seen much more as "optional" and so the attitude is "you can do drops if you want, but you'd better be certain you can do them safely". It's a kind of "dropper beware" - if you lead a drop, you really are expected to make sure your partner is 100% safe. Even then, accidents can and do happen - but I think everyone is mature enough to decide how much it's "just one of those things" v.s. "you stupid pillock".

    I do wonder if a lot of the difference is partly due to typical ages of people in the class - the average age here seems a lot older than down under. Having done various aerials classes where you get to see different age groups doing the same move, I notice the people aged 20 or so are very blase about the odd fall, but as you near 40 people get a lot more cautious - injuries take longer to heal, or depressingly often, don't heal

  17. #37
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by timbp
    This is the one that's surprised me most. I can understand if you know someone has caused and injury and their dancing is likely to cause injury in future. But the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner.
    I've had the usual variety of ceroc-related injuries - black eye, split lip, cuts, bruises, muscle strains etc but the majority were complete accidents, or caused by an over-crowded floor. Dancing is a demanding physical activity after all, not many sports are completely risk free. I wouldn't dream of not dancing with people because of an injury - who's to say who's fault it is if I get my face in the way of his elbow, anyway? I'm sure I've dealt out a few injuries as well, and would hope to be forgiven in return.

    I'd exclude the worst of the serial yankers from this, but I tend to avoid asking them anyway. I'd probably still dance with one if they asked me.

  18. #38
    Registered User El Salsero Gringo's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    Quote Originally Posted by timbp
    ...the impression I get from reading this forum (many threads, over several months) is that "once" is a key word. Women in the UK apparently refuse to dance again if they've been hurt once with a particular partner ...

    {snip}

    ...But reading this forum, I get the impression that men are in extremely short supply in the UK.

    {snip}

    And so I wonder: if you want more men dancing, should you consider telling them (politely) why you didn't enjoy the dance and how they could improve their dancing?
    Good Lord, Tim, that's far too sensible and straightforward a suggestion to appear on the Ceroc Scotland Forum... Moderator!!!!? I say, Moderator!!! remove this man at once.

  19. #39
    Registered User johnthehappyguy's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I feel uncomfortable refusing a dance and I have made big efforts in all but one occaison to get the next dance with the requester.

    _ The one time I didn't was because the girl was repeatedly moaning about loads of stuff- and had been throughout the earlier workshop.

    I just did not want to experience any more negativity from her.

    What I did get from the experience was the opportunity to reflect on my own persoana (spelling) , and the type of person I am and how I am perceived.

    Every cloud has a silver lining

    I now try to gossip less, and be more positive in what I do and say.



    johnthepositiveguy

  20. #40
    Registered User Lee's Avatar
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    Re: Refusing a dance - is there ever a good reason?

    I go to Ceroc to dance, so in theory I would try to dance as much as possible, I would politely say ‘no’ to a dance request with the below points:

    If I’ve already danced with them that night and feel there are so many people to dance with I should limit the 2nd dances.

    If I’m on the way to the bathroom, need a cool down period, change my top or get a drink.

    If I want to dance with a particular person to the song that has just started.

    I will always make an effort to look for that person once I was ready to dance.

    However, there are some people I hate dancing with, so yes, I admit, I avoid them, make excuses or say I’d just promised someone else a dance, over time these people spot the trend and stop asking.

    Lee

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