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Thread: Cliquey Venues

  1. #41
    Registered User LMC's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    It wouldn't be a flat no. It would be a "No thank you". Part of my new-found assertiveness is, ironically, being more polite to people.

    But getting into a discussion probably wouldn't solve anything. If it's an experienced dancer (and in this case it was), then he's probably been told a number of times. In another incident, a while ago now, a long-term intermediate deathgripper walked off the floor on me once after I told him the fourth time during a dance that he was hurting me - he claimed "no-one else has ever complained". He is dangerous - so I spoke to the teacher, who confirmed that I was not the first person to complain and that she had spoken to him on a number of occasions. A few weeks later, a friend of mine had exactly the same thing happen to her - he told her "no-one else has ever complained" as well.

    No-one injures anyone "on purpose", but the guy who hurt my back was obviously uninterested/uncaring when I told him at the time. So why should I waste my time if it isn't going to change anything?

    Getting into never-ending discussions which don't lead to any solutions is great fun on the forum - but I have no tolerance for them on the dance floor.

  2. #42
    Registered User doc martin's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    It wouldn't be a flat no. It would be a "No thank you". Part of my new-found assertiveness is, ironically, being more polite to people.
    I like that idea. Having the confidence to be polite.
    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    But getting into a discussion probably wouldn't solve anything.
    *snip bit about nasty people*
    You're probably right about discussion not getting you anywhere, especially given the examples you used. I wasn't thinking about a lengthy conversation, more just stating your reason. After all, you have to do something after you say no. If you just stand there he is going to ask why. What do you do? Do you walk off? I'm asking because I have no experience of this and can't see how you get out of this quickly and painlessly.

    If you can get out of it after just saying no, is it any more difficult to say no, give a reason and then use the same exit strategy?
    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    No-one injures anyone "on purpose", but the guy who hurt my back was obviously uninterested/uncaring when I told him at the time. So why should I waste my time if it isn't going to change anything?
    Yeah, I hear what you are saying. It's sad some people are so insensitive. [Off topic]Until there are equal numbers of men and women, a proportion of men can get away with being dangerous. How high a proportion? Clearly way too high from many of the comments here.[/Off topic]

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    Getting into never-ending discussions which don't lead to any solutions is great fun on the forum - but I have no tolerance for them on the dance floor.
    I thought never ending discussions were the whole point of the forum.

  3. #43
    Registered User LMC's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by doc martin
    I wasn't thinking about a lengthy conversation, more just stating your reason. After all, you have to do something after you say no. If you just stand there he is going to ask why. What do you do? Do you walk off?
    Yep (although I didn't put it in quite those words )
    Quote Originally Posted by Original hypothetical conversation posted by me
    Me: No thank you (nice smile, attempt to 'move on')
    If I refuse someone in this manner and they get all cross, what are they going to do? Never ask me again? - Problem solved!!! OK, they may tell all their friends how awful I am, but if I get 'called' by someone else then I'd be quite happy to briefly explain that I had suffered an injury the last time we danced (note wording - I wouldn't say "he injured me"), possibly add something tactful like "perhaps because our styles don't suit each other" and leave it at that.

  4. #44
    Registered User Petal's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by wittybird
    Thats fair enough, but to be blatantly rude about it I think is a disgrace and does it hurt to graciously accept 1 dance?

    There are people I would prefer not to dance with but I have never refused them and always smile while I'm dancing with them
    I know how you feel. This happened to me at an Aberdeen weekend, last year, and i thought him very rude. When i posted it on the forum, (naming no names) he obviously recognised himself, pm'd me to apologise. But i wouldn't seek him out again, there are far too many brilliant polite guys to dance with, so as i was told, put it down to experience, it was his loss.

  5. #45
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    I have now decided what I am gonna do.........
    Call me pathetic call me petty I dont care but one guy in particular P1$$ed me off.

    Option 1. I will dance wonderfully in front of him and then when he asks me to dance accept with big smile on my face and then be really good.

    Option 2. I will dance wonderfully in front of him and with him for the first time and then when he asks me again turn around and say 'NO' then dance with someone really ***** and look like im enjoying it.

    Since writing this I have since decided that I will not stoop to his level and will probably accept graciously with a Tw4tty smile saying ' absolutely love to' whilst thinking 'I want to stab you, you tn*u'

    Well we can't always be perfect can we

  6. #46
    Registered User doc martin's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by wittybird
    I have now decided what I am gonna do.........
    Call me pathetic call me petty I dont care but one guy in particular P1$$ed me off.
    Why not try this:

    Option 3: If he asks you to dance then accept, but before going out onto the floor tell him that last time you danced he did X which really annoyed you, and if he does the same again, this will definitely be his last dance with you.

    That way you have showed you are big enough to give him another chance and given a clear opening to tell him during the dance if he does something that p155e5 you off again.

    He may not be prepared to dance with you under the conditions you place, but then that is his loss and he looks (and probably is in that case) petty.

  7. #47
    Registered User LMC's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    If someone turns me down, I never ask them again, unless they are just postponing and *do* come back for a dance later. But if they ask me, then the slate's cleared - I can't afford to be too fussy

    If he really did look at you like you'd crawled off his shoe, and you don't mind p*ssing him off, then might be fun to start the dance, then remark "Out of curiosity, why did you ask me, when you turned me down last time? "

  8. #48
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    If he really did look at you like you'd crawled off his shoe, and you don't mind p*ssing him off, then might be fun to start the dance, then remark "Out of curiosity, why did you ask me, when you turned me down last time? "
    I was thinking along the lines of ' I can't finish dancing with you, its awful' and walking off but I'm in a really evil mood today.

  9. #49
    Registered User ChrisA's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    I've been following this thread with some interest, and I'm troubled by the amount of venom that seems to be coming across.
    Quote Originally Posted by wittybird
    Call me pathetic call me petty I dont care but one guy in particular P1$$ed me off.
    What, exactly, did this guy do that p1$$ed you off so much?

    Since writing this I have since decided that I will not stoop to his level and will probably accept graciously with a Tw4tty smile saying ' absolutely love to' whilst thinking 'I want to stab you, you tn*u'
    Quote Originally Posted by wittybird
    There are people I would prefer not to dance with but I have never refused them and always smile while I'm dancing with them
    I think if I had good evidence that someone was going to be faking it with me this much on the dancefloor, I would be quite disinclined to ask them to dance. I want to dance with someone whose smile is genuine, and who genuinely wants to dance with me. Not someone who's going through the motions and giving me a plastic smile.

    Quote Originally Posted by TiggsTours
    I've been to Bromley a couple of times, and agree with this completely! People only ask you to dance once they've seen you dance with someone else, and deem you a suitable partner.
    I've heard it expressed this way a few times here on the forum, and it sounds very negative. I've never experienced it in this negative sense at all, so I don't really understand how it's possible to know what people are thinking.

    But I often ask someone to dance on the basis that I've seen them dancing, and liked what I see. What's so very wrong with that?

  10. #50
    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by wittybird
    ...

    Option 1. I will dance wonderfully in front of him ...

    Option 2. I will dance wonderfully in front of him ...

    ...
    I was wondering how you're going to make him stand watching you dance when he's not interested in dancing with you?

    Nail his feet to the floor?

    Nail some other part of his anatomy to a chair?
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

  11. #51
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisA
    But I often ask someone to dance on the basis that I've seen them dancing, and liked what I see. What's so very wrong with that?
    Spawn of Santan

  12. #52
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    If someone turns me down, I never ask them again, unless they are just postponing and *do* come back for a dance later. But if they ask me, then the slate's cleared - I can't afford to be too fussy
    I'm a bit more generous than you, if turned down twice in one night by the same guy then i won't ask again until he's asked me. But if it's over a longer length of time then i give them 3 chances.
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris A
    I want to dance with someone whose smile is genuine, and who genuinely wants to dance with me. Not someone who's going through the motions and giving me a plastic smile.
    I too agree with this sentiment, if someone doesn't want to dance with me i'd rather they were honest and told me. I don't want to waste a good track with someone who's not going to connect with me at all.

  13. #53
    Registered User LMC's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella
    I'm a bit more generous than you, if turned down twice in one night by the same guy then i won't ask again until he's asked me. But if it's over a longer length of time then i give them 3 chances.
    It's not so much lack of generosity as lack of faith in my own abilities - when (if ever) I know I am a dancer who everyone should want to dance with - as you are - then I'll have a bit more confidence in asking someone who's refused me before.

  14. #54
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisA
    But I often ask someone to dance on the basis that I've seen them dancing, and liked what I see. What's so very wrong with that?
    Don't think there's anything wrong with that, but then maybe I'm a fellow spawn of Santa.

    I think it's wrong to refuse a dance until you've seen the person dancing (ala audition-row phenomenon reputedly at Hammersmith), but there's certainly nothing wrong in choosing who to dance with based on seeing them dance - or if there is, I've been committing that sin for many years now.

    But I could be wrong - and I'm still trying to work out what a tn*u is.

    FWIW, I've seen for myself that WittyBird is very gracious and smiley when accepting a dance. Unlike me, of course, I usually just look slightly less grumpy.

    Oh, and the only other thing: it's only 3 minutes of your life; if it won't hurt you, where's the harm?

  15. #55
    Commercial Operator Chicky's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Just read this thread and as an organiser one of the things we actively promote is the non-cliquey factor.

    In fact, we have people who have been to other venues in our area and once they come to us, they never go back to the other ones! They tell us "we're the friendliest venues in Kent" which is a nice thing to hear especially as we work hard at making sure everyone feels the same.

  16. #56
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    What, exactly, did this guy do that p1$$ed you off so much?
    I'm my case this particular gentleman came up to me at the bar and said that he'd been watching me dance and really wanted to dance with me. As you can imagine I was feeling rather pleased at that point. When it came to dancing he stoppped me after two beats of the song, held me in a ballroom pose death grip and made me walk through the rest of the song while telling me how bad I was at dancing and how if I didn't change no one would ever want to dance with me. He wasn't being helpful or constructive, just plain nasty.

    So I think I can safely say no to this particular man don't you?

    But I often ask someone to dance on the basis that I've seen them dancing, and liked what I see. What's so very wrong with that?
    I don't see anything wrong with that. I have a certain "bouncy" style and partners either love to dance with me or hate it. I'd rather they look and like what they see so they enjoy dancing with me as I'd enjoy it far more.

  17. #57
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames
    I'm still trying to work out what a tn*u is.
    A slightly strange abbreviation for Tnuctipun is the best I can come up with...

  18. #58
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by LMC
    It's not so much lack of generosity as lack of faith in my own abilities - when (if ever) I know I am a dancer who everyone should want to dance with - as you are - then I'll have a bit more confidence in asking someone who's refused me before.
    Don't be under any misconceptions, most of the time i do the asking. I get quite paranoid about not getting asked to dance very much. Which is why i would prefer someone to tell me truthfully why they don't want to dance with me.
    When i hear guys giving this excuse to me (no offence Rob)
    Quote Originally Posted by Rob D
    More seriously, I still don't feel confident asking you and a few others because I feel that I can't offer anything near to the standard that I see other leaders can reach with you. Therefore dancing with less experienced dancers sometimes means I can be confident of giving a more proportionately satisfying dance as it were even if the moves and the way I lead them is identical.
    I get quite annoyed. I love dancing and just want to dance. So if i tell you i enjoy dancing with you believe it. I'm not one for being tactfull so if i didn't enjoy our dances, you would know.

  19. #59
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin
    A slightly strange abbreviation for Tnuctipun is the best I can come up with...
    Could be - "You rebellious and extinct hi-tech slave being, you" is definitely a vile insult...

  20. #60
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Cliquey Venues

    Quote Originally Posted by DavidJames
    Could be - "You rebellious and extinct hi-tech slave being, you" is definitely a vile insult...
    And what you get if you reverse the first 4 letters of the name is allegedly no accident... (Bad Larry, no biscuit!)

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