Jokes

[quiet_flame]

"Blow Job Revenge"

Also known as the cement Mixer
why anyone would drink it I don't know but there you go.

[DavidB]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get His free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

[WittyBird]

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.



Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often


Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you di*khead.


Humpty Dumpty
sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*** him, He's only an egg.


Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money

[Stuart]

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do,

Obviously.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe
And he called for his bowl
And had a colonic irrigation.

[Dance Demon]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the
bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I
have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he
grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with
her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All
right, that's enough, I'll do the f*ckin' dishes!"

[Donna]

[Sheepman]

Subject: medication

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Greg

[Sheepman]

This probably won't work for more than a few hours...

Got to Google, and search on Failure.

I'm sure many of you can guess the to result.

Greg

[Tessalicious]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[senorita]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered
a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for
me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also
celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses
he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a c
child, and
today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer.
For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[senorita]

The Loving Husband...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[senorita]

(Best said in a strong Italian acsent)

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with
his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
da train ride down."
Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food
She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and
we were lookina forward to da trip.
and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore
comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat
indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining
car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle
of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say,
'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, w e go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino,
I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore,
he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a
smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper
car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the
conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata
top of his a voice.'Nofolka Virginia! .
Nofolka Virginia!'
Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus

[Icey]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BME's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.'

[Sheepman]

Disclaimer: This refers to a fictional character, and is in no way connected with a prominent forumite!!

Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court. The judge says to him, "You say that Minnie has prominent teeth, that is not sufficient grounds to grant a divorce."
Mickey retorts, "I didn't say she had prominent teeth, I said she's f*cking Goofy."

[DianaS]

Pick the one that fits you best for today's mood, and wear it proudly.

You know it makes sense

[DavidB]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "it’s simple, really. We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I see," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like your bed to be near a window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[WittyBird]

These amused me

[andystyle]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is
moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott,
Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million
ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on
fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Most people are giving about a gallon."

[DianaS]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is
moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott,
Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million
ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on
fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Most people are giving about a gallon."

[senorita]

The Italian stalion dance shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.



After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.


Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,

"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies,
"Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?"
Gennaro answers,
"I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played, !
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red.
He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."


Gennaro gasps,

"Thanka God ..
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!