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Thread: Jokes

  1. #161
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    Liverpool FC send football scouts all over the world to discover new talent in an attempt to bring back the glory days to Anfield.

    One July day, Liverpools man in Bagdad rings up Gerard Houllier...
    "Gerard, you ain't gonna believe this but we've found this 17 year old Iraqi Kid who makes Diego Maradonna look like an Amateur. You've got to come and check this kid out."

    So Houllier flies off to Bagdad, see's the kid play football, is massively impressed and signs him on the spot.

    First match of the season, Liverpool vs Man Utd, 20 mins left and Liverpool are losing 4 - 0. Houllier has secret Iraqi weapon on the bench, decides he has little to lose by giving the youngster a run. The Iraqi kid comes on for Heskey, scores 5 goals and Liverpool win 5 - 4.

    Really excited, the kid rings up his Mum to tell her what happened... "Mum! Mum!, this new life is great. We were losing 4 - 0, the manager brought me on, I scored 5 goals and we won 5 - 4. The fans love me, the manager loves me, the players love me, the press love me, it's absolutely wonderful!"

    His mother replies "Well that's all well and good, but whilst you've been off enjoying yourself on the football field, your Dad's been shot dead! Your brother's been thrown in prison! And your sisters and I have all been Raped!

    The Kid pleads "Oh mother! I don't know what to say..."

    "Don't say anything" his mother replies, "It's your fault we're in Liverpool in the first place!

  2. #162
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    Grandma writes:

    The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

    I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

    Love ya all, Grandma

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    I was walking down the street the other day and this bloke came up to me and cut the bottom off my trousers....
    "What the hell did you do that for?", I asked.
    "I'm taking them to the library." He Said.

    Well, I thought, that's a turn up for the books......

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    I'm Tired

    I'm Tired

    Yes, I'm tired

    For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow ear wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living.

    But I find it isn't that

    I'm tired because I am overworked.

    The population of this country is 51 million and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million. Of this a total of 2 million are unemployed and four million are employed by the government. One million are in the armed forces. That leaves 4 million to do the work. From that total 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 62,000 people in hospital and 937,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves 2 people to do the work

    You and me and you're sitting on your bum reading this.

    No wonder I'm bloody tired!!!


  5. #165
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    Are you saying that the 4 million employed by the Government, and the 3 million employed by County and Borough Councils aren't doing any work then???

    Why are we paying taxes to pay their wages then??

    Steve

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    OK, OK. Honesty time......

    To the people that know me, I have a confession.
    It may, (or may not) come as a surprise to you all that I have a
    police record.............



































    Walking on The Moon......


  7. #167
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    Joke of the Day

    Man walks into a Dentist

    Dentist "What can I do for you?"

    Man "I think I'm a Moth"

    Dentist "You dont want a dentist you need a Psychiatrist"

    Man "I know"

    Dentist "Why did you come in here then?"
















    "The light was on"

  8. #168
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    The Baby Photographer

    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
    "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
    "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
    "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
    "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
    "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
    Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"



    Steve

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    A guy is sitting in a bar. He turns to the young woman sitting beside him and asks " would you like to hear a blonde joke" to which the young lady replies " it may have escaoped your notice, but I'm blonde, I'm also 6ft 2ins tall, and I'm a kick boxer. My friend here is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and is an all in wrestler. my other friend is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and has a black belt in taikwando, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"...............
    Nah not really says the guy, " it's not the same if you have to explain it three times........

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    What do you call a judge with no thumbs.......??


    Justice Fingers....!!!


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    coffin

    Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was
    a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
    streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
    the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
    suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
    rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    BUMP........

    He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached
    from the shadows he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

    It was a coffin.

    Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
    walking briskly home.

    BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

    BUMP........BUMP.......

    BUMP........BUMP.......

    BUMP........BUMP........

    The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
    the coffin speed up after him......

    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.......

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
    seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His
    hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the
    front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
    comfy chair.

    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
    front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
    the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take
    him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
    itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew
    off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
    approach the young terrified lad.

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
    cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the
    coffin.......still it came........

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

    He grabbed some cough mixture and threw it........

    The coffin stopped.

  12. #172
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    An American primary school teacher collected well known proverbs.
    She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
    It`s hard to believe these were actually done by "6" year-olds!

    ____Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
    ____Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
    ____It`s always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
    ____Never underestimate the power of............termites.
    ____You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
    ____Don`t bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
    ____No news is..................................impossible.
    ____A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
    ____You can`t teach an old dog new..............math.
    ____If you lie down with dogs, you`ll...........stink in the morning.
    ____Love all, trust.............................me.
    ____The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
    ____An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
    ____Where there`s smoke there`s.................pollution.
    ____Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
    ____A penny saved is............................not much.
    ____Two`s company, three`s......................the Musketeers.
    ____Don`t put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
    ____Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your
    ____nose.
    ____There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
    ____Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
    ____If at first you don`t succeed...............get new batteries.
    ____You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
    ____When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
    ____And the favorite:
    ____Better late than...........................pregnant
    ____

  13. #173
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    Grant me a Wish

    A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
    The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

  14. #174
    Registered User michael's Avatar
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    Quote from Trampys joke"Lord, I wish that I could understand women.

    Enjoying your jokes keep them up trampy

    PS Just wondered if that last one was as a result of a rather long and trying night with the oposite sex
    If only we knew..............Me thinks better not understanding them that way we have an excuse......

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    Talking

    Apologies in advance to those who take offence but it is good!

    Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
    Turriff

    Teacher to class
    Right class today is Thursday, so we,re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday off and not come back until Tuesday.

    Jocky thinks brill ahm ace at ma general knowledge.

    Teacher Right class, who can tell me who said. " Dont ask what your country can do for you , but what you can do for your country.

    Jocky ( shoots up his hand )

    Teacher looking round Yes Jeremy.

    Jeremy ( In english accent ) Yes miss the answer is J F Kennedy inaugeration speech 1960.

    Teacher Very good Jeremy. You may come back on Tuesday.

    NEXT THURSDAY COMES AROUND, AND JOCKY IS EVEN MORE DETERMINED

    Teacher Who said. We will fight them on the beaches , we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender.

    Jocky ( SHOOTS UP HIS HAND SHOUTING I KNOW )

    Teacher ( looking round ) Yes Timothy.

    Timothy ( In posher english accent ) Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain speech 1941

    Teacher Very good timothy , you may come back on Tuesday.

    THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY COMES AROUND AND JOCKY IS VERY VEXED

    Teacher Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

    Jocky ( JUMPIMG UP AND DOWN WITH BOTH HANDS UP, YELLING I KNOW)

    Teacher ( looking round the class ) Yes Rupert.

    Rupert ( In frightfully plummy english accent ) Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, The firs! t moon landing.

    Teacher Very good Rupert you may come back on Tuesday.

    Jocky ( Who has lost the plot blurts out ) WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH C**NTS COME FROM

    TEACHER ( Looking round the class ) Who the hell said that.

    Jocky ( Standing back up ) Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden,
    1745. SEE YA TUESDAY

    Cheers
    Steven

  16. #176
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    bit of history:

    Shame Bonnie Prince Charlie didnt march on London he would have taken it, the 3 major English Armies were no where near but he wasn't sure. That would have changed Britain a bit . He only got defeated at Culloden due to the raising of support for the opposition (made up of Scots as well as English) as well as the gradual decay of his own army as highlanders returned home. Also, remember Carlisle !

  17. #177
    Registered User Jayne's Avatar
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    Re:
    Originally posted by Steven
    Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
    Turriff etc etc


    Thanks Steven, that cheered up an otherwise dull thesis writing session...

    J

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    A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

    The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies,"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

    The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

    The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

    Steve

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    Talking

    A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
    dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
    last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie.

    He is wearing an Inland Revenue badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

    "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust someone from the Tax Office." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

    The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
    "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story?




    If the Tax Office offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

    Cheers
    Steven

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    How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

    Tell him that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

    See, I can do cerebral (?), as well as smut!

    Greg

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