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Reply With QuoteVery very very very very dour attemt at humourOriginally Posted by azande
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt.
The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
Very very very very very dour attemt at humour
In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat
lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass
through
a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap
mark on
his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a female dog wanted
to
touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat
lady, who in
turn must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his
hands on
the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That dirty Englishman put his hand on
that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I
can smack that French git again".
A SHORT QUIZ TO TEST YOUR INTELLIGENCE.................
THE FOLLOWING QUZ CONSISTS OF 4 QUESTIONS, AND WILL TELL YOU IF YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL..............................
SCROLL DOWN FOR EACH ANSWER, THE QUESTIONS ARE NOT DIFFICULT, BUT DONT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE ANSWERED THE QUESTION................
1. HOW DO YOU PUT A GIRAFFE IN A REFRIGERATOR?
ANS. OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR PUT IN THE GIRAFFE, AND CLOSE THE DOOR.
2. HOW DO YOU PUT AN ELEPHANT INTO THE REFRIGERATOR?
DID YOU SAY OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR PUT IN THE ELEPHANT AND CLOSE THE DOOR?
WRONG ANSWER
CORRECT ANSWER: OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR, TAKE OUT THE GIRAFFE, PUT IN THE ELEPHANT, AND CLOSE THE DOOR.
3. THE LION KING IS HOSTING AN ANIMAL CONFERENCE, ALL THE ANIMALS ATTEND, EXCEPT ONE.......... WHICH ANIMAL DOES NOT ATTEND?
ANS. CORRECT ANSWER, THE ELEPHANT, YOU HAVE JUST PUT IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!
4. THERE IS A RIVER YOU MUST CROSS, BUT IT IS INHABITED BY CROCODILES, AND YOU DO NOT HAVE A BOAT, HOW DO YOU MANAGE IT?
ANS. YOU JUMP INTO THE RIVER, AND SWIM ACROSS, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? ALL THE CROCODILES ARE ATTENDING THE ANIMAL CONFERENCE............
ACCORDING TO ANDERSON CONSULTING WORLDWIDE, AROUND 90%OF PROFESSIONALS THEY TESTED GOT ALL THE QUESTIONS WRONG, BUT, MANY PRE SCHOOLERS GOT SEVERAL CORRECT ANSWERS. ANDERSON CONSULTING, SAY THIS CONCLUSIVELY DISPROVES THE THEORY THAT MOST PROFESSIONALS HAVE THE BRAINS OF A 4 YEAR OLD...................
Last edited by under par; 19th-February-2005 at 05:07 AM.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT APPRECIATE SOME OF THESE
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
>
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Sienfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough lood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The FairyGodmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely
wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair
turned into solid gold. Alan,her cat, jumped off her
lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. Is
there anything else you might wish for", asked the
Fairy Godmother. "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I
once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella
felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish
remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at
her frightened cat in the corner and said,I wish you
turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then
before them stood young man with the looks and body
that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life", and with that she was gone. For a few eerie
moments,Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most
stunning perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close
in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and
whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret having my *******s chopped off now, don't you?"
The Plan
In the beginning was the plan
and then came the assumptions;
and the plan was completely without substance;
and darkness was upon the faces of the workers
and they spoke unto their Section Managers, saying
"The Plan is a pile of **** and it stinks"
and the Section Managers went unto their
Section Heads and said:
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof"
and the Section Heads went unto their Departmental Heads and said unto them:
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none here may abide by it"
and the Department Heads went unto their Section Heads and said unto them:
"It is a vessel of fertiliser and here may abide its strength"
and the Section Heads went unto the Research and Development Manager and said unto him:
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong"
and the Research and Development Manager went unto the Technical Director and said unto him:
It promotes growth and is very powerful"
and the Technical Director went unto the Managing Director and said unto him:
This powerful new plan will promote the growth and efficiency of the company and the TQ strategy in particular"
and the Managing Director looked upon the plan and saw that it was good and the plan became policy
The marines were having inspection and as the Captain moved down the line, he
would check the toughness of each man. The first man he slapped in the face with
his swagger stick, “Did that hurt?” asked the officer. “NO SIR,” was the reply.
“Why?” asked the Captain. “BECAUSE I AM MARINE, SIR!” The captain continued down
the line, striking each man in various parts of the body when he comes upon a
man with a large penis protruding from between his legs. The captain promptly
whacks it with his swagger stick. “Did that hurt, Marine???” demanded the
Captain. “NO SIR,” shouted the Marine. “Why not??” “BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE
MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!”
Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all
their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the
Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.
As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the
Admiral first and said loudly, “Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas
leaving?”
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, “Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling
in your condition?”
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to
Jerusalem. A small child replied, “They couldn't get a baby-sitter.”
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he would buy him a
$200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, “Johnny, we have an $80,000
mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas.” Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said,
“Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some
other time.” Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the
house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was
leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you
say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she
was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks, when suddenly he got his
foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was
really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned
around. To his horror, he saw a train coming. Panicked, he started to pray,
“God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!” Nothing
happened. His foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting
closer! He prayed again, “God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND
being bad!” Again, nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He
tried his plea one more time, “God, please, if you get my foot out of the
tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up
little Mary's dress.” Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke
free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted
himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, “Thanks anyway God, I got it
myself.”
For the umpteenth time, Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, “Father,
I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing
this over and over. “I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the
Lord will watch over you.”
“Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only . . .”
“Only what, my child?”
“Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!”
“Well, now,” said the priest, “Perhaps it is time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's
parish over on the other side of town.”
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy,
business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my
****ing ass.” Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. “That's okay,” the blonde
replied, “If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my ****ing
car.”
Traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's
there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in
the same room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that if any hanky-panky
went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her. The
salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the brains of a
head of lettuce, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding.
But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's
terms. The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The
father asks the daughter, “Did he do it last night, girl?” “Sure did, Pa.”
“Excellent!” says the father. “If it's a boy, we'll call him John.” “And if it's
a girl,” says the mother, “we'll call her Martha.” About that time the salesman
came into the room holding a condom and grinning. “Well,” he says, “if the
little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini.”
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face. Dave says, “John what are you so happy for?” “Well
Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my
boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in
my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It's
either screw or swim!’ She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!”
The next
day, Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today,
John?” “Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just
waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave.
Tits out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her, ‘Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much
further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It's either screw
or swim!’ She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!”
A couple days pass and
Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin’ over a beer. Dave says,
“John, what are you so sad for?” “Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was
out waxin’' my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came
up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood
than my boat does. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out...
much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and
said, ‘It's either screw or swim!’ She pulled down her pants and..... She had a
dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick, Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!”
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to
throw a wild temper tantrum shatters the peace. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously
and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with
an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and,
motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat
belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes
his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used
on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot's wings,
service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one
passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
Brimson, Minnesota (AP)
This small rural community, forty miles north of Duluth, was shocked on the news of a strange, brutal murder of one of their long-time residents.
The victim, whose name is being withheld pending notification of family, was missing for several days, until authorities found his naked body face-down in his bath tub. Two boxes of corn flakes had been sprinkled over the body, and then a gallon of milk was pored over the corpse. On top of everything, someone had sliced two bananas.
Authorities have no leads at this time, but St. Louis County Deputy Sheriff Loof Lirpa said in an interview that "it's definitely the work of a cereal killer".
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please
see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get
all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't
have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you
are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage
M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time. !
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).
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