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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1081
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    Re: Jokes

    Does Santa Exist?

    There are approximately 2-billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa visits only Christian households this reduces his workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378-million (according to the Population Reference Bureau, Washington).

    At an average rate of 3.5 children a household, that comes to 108-million homes, assuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 967.7 visits a second.

    This means that for each household with a good child, Santa has around one-thousandth of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

    Then you must allow for restroom stops and for feeding the reindeer. Assuming that each of these 108-million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 1.24km between households; a total trip of 133.9-million kilometers.
    This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 1,040km/second - 3,000 times the speed of sound.

    For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a sluggish 43.8km/second and a conventional reindeer, even with performance-enhancing oats, can not achieve more than 24km/hour over a short distance.

    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (say 1kg), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself or the reindeer feed.

    On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 150kg. Even granting that airborne reindeer can pull 10 times that, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000.

    This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the ocean liner QE2.

    Now, 500,000 tons traveling at 1,040 km/second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3-quintillion joules of energy a second each.

    In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

    The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26-thousandths of a second, which is about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip.

    Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 km/sec in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000g.

    A 110kg Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 1.9-million kilogram force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

    Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

    "Merry Christmas."

  2. #1082
    Registered User Feelingpink's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    NHS gets seasonal

  3. #1083
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    Hostage Crisis ?!?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis ?












  4. #1084
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    New Driver

    Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.

    The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

    "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

    "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."





  5. #1085
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    Smile Re: Jokes

    Change course !



    Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

    He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

    The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

    Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

    “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

    Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

    There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”








  6. #1086
    Registered User Bigger Andy's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    Almonds

    A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

    After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds.

    She repeats this gesture about eight times.

    At the ninth time the bus driver asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

    "Why do you buy them then ?" he asks puzzled.

    The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."













  7. #1087
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    Coincidences

    Three men were having a discussion at a bar about coincidences.

    The first man said, " My wife was reading 'A tale of two cities' and she gave birth to twins."

    "That’s funny", the second man remarked, "My wife was reading 'The three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."

    The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home !"

    When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading 'Ali baba and the forty Thieves' !!!"












  8. #1088
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    Re: Jokes

    Genie Joke



    A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

    Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.




    A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door They saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.




    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"




    "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.




    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.


    You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.




    Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

    I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."




    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do.


    And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.




    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"




    "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"


    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."




    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.

    What do you think?"




    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"




    You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"




    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.




    After about three hours of non-stop s*x, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

    "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

  9. #1089
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    Peanuts


    A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

    "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

    Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."



    "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."



    "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."



    "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."



    "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.








  10. #1090
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    Talking Re: Jokes

    Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble.

    There was a lady who had triplets. Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble.

    One day she told the boys to go buy her some milk from the store. They set off and when they got there they walked around looking for the dairy section. Somewhere along the line a big mob of people came in and Trouble got lost. Shut Up and Be Quiet went to a police officer that was buying some bread.

    Officer : What is your name ?

    Shut Up : Shut Up.

    Officer : What is your name ?

    Shut Up : Shut Up.

    Since Shut Up was not cooperating he asked Be Quiet.

    Officer : What is your name ?

    Be Quiet : Be Quiet.

    Officer : What is your name ?

    Be Quiet : Be Quiet.

    Officer : (really getting irritated) Are you guys looking for trouble ?

    Shut up and Be quiet: YES, YES, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM ?






  11. #1091
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    Re: The Correct Way to come home drunk!

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out"

    His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!!!
    ---------------------
    It amused me, but credit should really go to the friend that gave it to me.
    Oh yes, and I'm not condoning the bit about drunk driving

    Greg
    Last edited by Sheepman; 12th-January-2005 at 03:09 PM.

  12. #1092
    Registered User bobgadjet's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,"Did you call for me?"

    The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

    She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

    He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

    "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

    "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

    The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."

    "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

  13. #1093
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    Re: Jokes


  14. #1094
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    Re: Jokes

    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and began bragging about
    difficult surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
    fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
    private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said "That's nothing. A young man lost both legs and one of
    his arms in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
    medal in field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who
    was high on cocaine and alcohol rode his horse head-on into a train traveling
    80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy
    hat. Now he's president of the United States.

  15. #1095
    Registered User bobgadjet's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin
    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and began bragging about
    difficult surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
    fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
    private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said "That's nothing. A young man lost both legs and one of
    his arms in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
    medal in field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who
    was high on cocaine and alcohol rode his horse head-on into a train traveling
    80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy
    hat. Now he's president of the United States.

    Not bad, but I'm sure I remember that one from the Regan days ! !

  16. #1096
    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by bobgadjet
    Not bad, but I'm sure I remember that one from the Regan days ! !
    But it fits better now... (Scary to think we'd ever say that about Reagan...)

    Dave

  17. #1097
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    Re: Jokes

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Toronto
    chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
    heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
    cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

    I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
    Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
    volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
    and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
    proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
    breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
    then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
    Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,
    and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
    2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
    frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
    that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
    only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
    why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


  18. #1098
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    Re: Jokes

    A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

    She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

    As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

    He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

  19. #1099
    Registered User bobgadjet's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Dear Mary
    A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

    Dear Mary,
    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
    Love,
    John

    Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc.
    In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope …....along with this note;

    Dear John,
    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

    Take Care,
    Mary

  20. #1100
    Registered User Bigger Andy's Avatar
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    Angry Re: Jokes

    How to really write a letter of complaint

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

    Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

    When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

    I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

    I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled ******* jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

    I thought Telstra were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

    Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

    Rgds
    Adam Olsen
    Terrigal



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