Jokes

[drathzel]

I couldn't resist but send this!
> > >
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because
her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out
fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,
with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here
and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bankslot rather than a badly
packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the
nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received
them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the
operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane. "The second is from your
husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the
sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[Bigger Andy]

Change of Roles.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night !!!"

[drathzel]

Dirty Limerick

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling. His wife asks him what is so funny.
''''A limerick I heard today at work. But I can''t tell you,'''' he says. ''''It''s too dirty.''''

''''Don''t worry, I''ve heard them all,'''' she replies.

''''I really can''t, it''s the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!''''

''''OK,'''' his wife says. ''''How about you tell it, but substitute the word ''beep'' in the place of the really dirty words.''''

''''Fine,'''' he says. ''''Here goes: Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep beep. Beep-beep beep beep beep, beep-beep beep beep beep, beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep.''''

[drathzel]

Old Lady & The Dollar


A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

[drathzel]

Stayin' Alive

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

[drathzel]

Donut and Loaf of Bread

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had that much dough, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.

[drathzel]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[drathzel]

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

[drathzel]

What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum

[Tiggerbabe]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around.
Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over
to inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has
noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we
help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to
say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna s**t your pants
when you hear the price."

[Bigger Andy]

Teachers Pet ?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up !"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny ?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself !"

[Almost an Angel]

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
“Onions?"
“Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how Many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
”A Christmas tree?"
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”

[Bigger Andy]

Shoes.

Four animals a Snake, a ****, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together.

When the cigarettes ran out, the snake, the big brother, said, "****, go out and get some more packs ! You know, I have NO legs."

"But why me ?" said the ****, "I have only TWO legs !"

So, the task fell to Centipede. Centipede said nothing and left the room.

The three remaining animals waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore.

"What the devil is Centipede doing ?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look !"

When Cat got outside, he got a shock. Centipede was SITTING there !!!! The angry Cat said, "What are you doing here ?"

"Can't you see ? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

[Chas]

What does a gay man call haemorrhoids?
Speed bumps!

[Bigger Andy]

Why is the bride dressed in white ?

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white ?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black ?"

[Bardsey]

The Good Fairy

[Bigger Andy]

Where is God ?

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to get their priest to talk to the boys.

The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God ?"

The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.

Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God ?"

The boy says nothing.

The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God ?"

The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble !"

His brother replies, "We haven't done anything !"

The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it !"

[drathzel]

Pig Farmer

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.
"Mom's weighing the mailman."

[drathzel]

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.
The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''

[drathzel]

Nudist Camp

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.