Jokes

[Bigger Andy]

If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed Up ?

[Dreadful Scathe]

Supermarket Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Thats funny but i also think its true - i read an article about that ages ago

[drathzel]

Thats funny but i also think its true - i read an article about that ages ago

i got it as a joke, i dont know if its real, but good on her!!!

[Bigger Andy]

Flight Number 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D !"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants !"

A passenger replied, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine !"

[Bigger Andy]

A Classy Lady

A Wealthy gentleman met a beautiful young lady in an exclusive lounge.

He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."



"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

[Bardsey]

The Sea and associated images

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.(Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[Dreadful Scathe]

i got it as a joke, i dont know if its real, but good on her!!!

she stole money off an innocent young man...thats not normally considered 'good'

[drathzel]

The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A:Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.


English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


Technology Q : What is a turbine?

A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

[drathzel]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
280. Please be careful!"

"Hey!", said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

[drathzel]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted, by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through thedoor, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said," screw him, give em a dollar."

The Blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[drathzel]

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food
on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they
just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they
don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.

[drathzel]

A golfer, playing a strange course for the first time, was teeing up on the first hole. He took out a 3-wood and addressed the ball. Suddenly, a voice to his right said, "No, take a club extra!"

He looks around and sees a small frog sat at the side of the tee. "Was that you?" he asked the frog. The frog nods and repeats his instruction, "Take a club extra."

The golfer shrugs, takes out a 2-wood and takes a cracking shot straight down the centre of the fairway, landing on the green. He turns to the frog and says, "Cheers mate! Do you know this course well? Do you want a lift?" The frog nods and so the golfer picks it up and places it on the top of his golf cart.

All the way round, the frog gives him instructions as to the course layout and club selection to the point that, after 18 holes, he has had three holes-in-one and ends up smashing the course record.

In the car park afterwards when the golfer has put away his clubs, he turns to the frog and says, "Thanks mate. You've helped me to produce the best performance of my life, smash the course record, get three holes-in-one and win £2000 as a result! If there's anything you want, just name it! Anything at all!"

The frog cocks its head and aswers, "I've never been to a casino before." "Okay," replies the golfer, and he takes the frog into town and to a casino. He walks in the door with the frog on his shoulder and asks it what it would like to do.

"Roulette." croaks the frog and the golfer goes over and cashes his money into chips. He sits at the table and says to the frog, "What do you fancy?"

Once again, the frog cocks its head and croaks "Everything on 22 black."

"Everyting?" repeats the golfer.

"Yep, everything." repeats the frog. The golfer paces the bet and it comes up, winning them a further £500k.

All night long, the frog is giving him tips and he finishes the night breaking the bank and a multi millionnaire. Once again, he thanks the frog for a wonderful time and asks it if there's anything else it wants.

"Book the pent-house suite at the Grand." croaks the frog.

The golfer smiles at this."Great idea. I'm knackered!" Once booked in, the golfer takes the frog up to the pent-house and asks if there's anything else it would like.

"Place me on the bed and kiss me!" answers the frog.

Thinking that this is the least he can do after such a successful venture, the golfer obliges and the frog instantly turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl, perfectly proportioned, lying naked on the bed! She gazes up into the golfer's amazed face, puts her arms around him and whispers, "Make love to me darling."

And that, Your Honor, is the motion for the Defense!"

[drathzel]

Some helpful rules for better writing:

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

8. Be more or less specific.

9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

11. No sentence fragments.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Don't use no double negatives.

16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be ignored.

19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."

22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

[Bigger Andy]

Mood Ring.

My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe he will be buying me a diamond next time !!!

[ChrisA]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, ‘And get me a coke, you cow!’

The stewardess, flustered, brings back coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls ‘And get me another coke, bitch!’

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach.

‘I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you useless cow!’.

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, ‘For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got guts!’

[Bigger Andy]

Mission Impossible ?!?

A man found a brass lamp, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you any wish you desire", the genie said.

The man replied, "I want a spectacular job. A challenge that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof !" Said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[DavidB]

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be s**tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. (Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy Carr)

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked. (Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven Alan Green at C34)

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try..What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Cafe Royal)

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" (Arnold Brown at The Stand)

[drathzel]

Some helpful rules for better writing:

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

8. Be more or less specific.

9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

11. No sentence fragments.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Don't use no double negatives.

16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be ignored.

19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."

22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

[drathzel]

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his plane." Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." Emo Philips.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". A Mum.

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

[drathzel]

Tips for managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone
where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone
asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me
what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I
adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I
have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a
secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't
like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special
instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until
the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell
me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to
pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good
manager.