Page 3 of 158 FirstFirst 12345671353103 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 3145

Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    Ceroc Teacher
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Solihull
    Posts
    72
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    "Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."

    So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake."

    The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father.

    "So son," says his father "what have you learned?"

    "Well," said the son. "Potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers."

    "That's my boy!"

  2. #42
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    3,756
    Thanks
    92
    Thanked 104 Times in 57 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

    They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

    They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

    People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

    Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.





    Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

    DD

  3. #43
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 88 Times in 49 Posts

    Rep Power
    12
    "Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."
    Well. I am in a movie with Robert Redford and Brad Pitt

    Was employed last year to be a dance extra for the movie 'Spygame'. Unfortunately, they cut the dance bit, but if you look really closely, you can just see me in the background for a very, very short part of one scene. Of course, if you didn't know it was me, you wouldn't be able to guess.

    But I know

    Steve

  4. #44
    Omnipotent Moderator Tiggerbabe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Dundee, United Kin
    Posts
    5,844
    Thanks
    395
    Thanked 402 Times in 218 Posts

    Rep Power
    10
    Ok guys - today's joke as told to me by my "BIG" boss..............

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

    The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a
    torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

    But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
    compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

    Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
    orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
    patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
    disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooop! A torso pops out!

    The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
    shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another
    drink!"

    The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

    Swoooop! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
    again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!!!"

    The bartender ignores the whole affair.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
    grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

    Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

    The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks
    God.

    The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.......then to the
    right...... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck
    runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief.

    The bartender sighs and says...
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    ....
    .... "He should've quit while he was a head!"




  5. #45
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Dundee
    Posts
    157
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
    loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you
    help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring with rain!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
    remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

  6. #46
    Omnipotent Moderator Tiggerbabe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Dundee, United Kin
    Posts
    5,844
    Thanks
    395
    Thanked 402 Times in 218 Posts

    Rep Power
    10

  7. #47
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 88 Times in 49 Posts

    Rep Power
    12
    At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

    Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he worked for Apple, and would be quite content to stay onboard.

    With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

    Steve

    Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post)
    Last edited by TheTramp; 12th-March-2003 at 01:03 PM.

  8. #48
    Sal
    Guest
    You are trying to get into Franck's good books by slating Microsoft!

  9. #49
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 88 Times in 49 Posts

    Rep Power
    12
    Ummmm. That must be it. Or not

    Steve

  10. #50
    Omnipresent Administrator Franck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Glasgow
    Posts
    3,044
    Thanks
    65
    Thanked 244 Times in 104 Posts

    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    10
    Originally posted by TheTramp
    With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

    Steve

    Edited to stay out of Franck's good books (See below post)
    Hey! But the plane would look damn good

    Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

    Franck.

  11. #51
    Omnipotent Moderatrix (LMC)
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Sarf East London
    Posts
    1,606
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Rep Power
    9
    Originally posted by Franck


    Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

    Franck.
    Show off!!!

  12. #52
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 88 Times in 49 Posts

    Rep Power
    12
    Yeah. They do look damn good.

    I guess that they had to have something going for them though

    Steve

  13. #53
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Versailles
    Posts
    1,981
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    Originally posted by TheTramp
    Yeah. They do look damn good.

    I guess that they had to have something going for them though

    Steve
    They're also quite easy to use. That's probably why they sell a lot in the US and France

  14. #54
    Omnipresent Administrator Franck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Glasgow
    Posts
    3,044
    Thanks
    65
    Thanked 244 Times in 104 Posts

    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    10
    Originally posted by TheTramp
    Yeah. They do look damn good.

    I guess that they had to have something going for them though
    Don't worry Steve, I know you're just saying that because you wish you had one too

    In fact, as I was typing that, the doorbell rang and my new shiny imac is here So I might not post for a while, as I open the box and admire it!

    Franck.

  15. #55
    Sal
    Guest
    Which implies that it is no good to use if you can only look at it!

  16. #56
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 88 Times in 49 Posts

    Rep Power
    12
    Hey Sal.

    That's not true.

    It's great on a coffee table.

    Or maybe on the mantlepiece!!

    And as for actively using it. How about as a doorstop. Or 2 of them, as bookends?!?

    Steve

  17. #57
    Chief Worrier PeterL's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    255
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Rep Power
    9

  18. #58
    Chief Worrier PeterL's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    255
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Rep Power
    9

    Question

    How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?

  19. #59
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Berkshire
    Posts
    1,476
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 10 Times in 6 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    Originally posted by PeterL
    How come when I posted the above in the test area the image showed. but when I posted it in this thread it showed a link?
    This is what I was saying to you in the car on the way back from Fleet on Saturday night Franck.

  20. #60
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Berkshire
    Posts
    1,476
    Thanks
    10
    Thanked 10 Times in 6 Posts

    Rep Power
    9
    Originally posted by Franck
    Hey! But the plane would look damn good

    Taking delivery of my new imac today... Can't wait!

    Franck.
    Look good? Why? Because it's had all it's hair removed???

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes
    By stewart38 in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28th-April-2006, 03:22 PM
  2. Scottish Jokes
    By StevanHogg in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 19th-November-2005, 07:58 PM
  3. where has the Jokes thread gone??
    By under par in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 25th-October-2005, 12:37 AM
  4. Rofling at your own jokes...
    By MartinHarper in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24th-February-2005, 12:33 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •