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Thread: Jokes

  1. #321
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    Quote from Coupling

    "You know you can't change a man don't you?"

    "What's the point of having one then?"

    Greg

  2. #322
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Oldies are goodies... and it's Christmas, so what the heck

    Originally posted by Boomer
    Hey! Dat be bling-bling mama!.....What on god's earth am I on about?
    Beats me!

  3. #323
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    Re: Re: Oldies are goodies... and it's Christmas, so what the heck

    Originally posted by Boomer
    Who da man!?!?! He da Man!!! Big-up ta da Troofsta, keepin' it reeaalll
    "da Troofsta" is in reality my 12-year old nephew, who sent me that stuff ..

    I kid you not.

  4. #324
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    Re: Re: Re: Oldies are goodies... and it's Christmas, so what the heck

    Originally posted by ChrisA
    "da Troofsta" is in reality my 12-year old nephew, who sent me that stuff ..

    I kid you not.
    Brainwashed at 12.....what is the world coming to? His poor future wife stands no chance!

  5. #325
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    Originally posted by Sandy
    just a teeny bit risky!

    > > How to Shower Like A Man:
    > >
    ...
    Recognise yourself anyone????

    Just seen this one...oops

    Woo-hoo!

  6. #326
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    This had me crying with laughter!

    HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while gently holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted from cat. Get partner to hold cat firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into its mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatter vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band aid to partner’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little ba***rds front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be tough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill and steak.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to A and E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes remnants of pill from left eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish.

    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
    Wrap it in bacon.

  7. #327
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    My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    DEC 20TH
    It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

    DEC 24th
    We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.

    The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

    DEC 26th
    It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

    JAN 1st
    Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my a#se in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

    JAN 5th
    Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white s**te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today...... Where's that bloody shovel!!!!!!!!!!!!>


    JAN 9th
    More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

    JAN 13th
    F****** b******d white s**te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sods next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little sods a**e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*****d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the driveway again.

    JAN 17th
    16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white s**te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more snow forecast

    F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

    (Thanks to Forte who sent me this in an email!!)

    Steve

  8. #328
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    Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by TheTramp



    F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

    (Thanks to Forte who sent me this in an email!!)

    Steve
    Thanks Steve, I'd just got my eyes looking okay again after laughing so much at the Cat one I posted, when my friend sent me it, now I have to start all over again. Must have a feather up my b*m today, everything is making me crack up!!!

  9. #329
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    Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Bardsey
    Must have a feather up my b*m today,
    Maybe that's what makes you a wiggle-a*se??

    Steve

  10. #330
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    Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by TheTramp
    Maybe that's what makes you a wiggle-a*se??

    Steve
    I walked right into that one, didn't I? Nice one!

  11. #331
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Bardsey
    I walked right into that one, didn't I? Nice one!
    Yup. Seemed the obvious answer to me too

    Steve

  12. #332
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    That cat one is wonderful. Oh my goodness...how many times have I been there!

  13. #333
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    Originally posted by Forte
    That cat one is wonderful. Oh my goodness...how many times have I been there!
    Thought you'd appreciate that Jackster, one for us cat-lovers!
    See my PM

  14. #334
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Bardsey
    I walked right into that one, didn't I?
    You must be VERY relaxed if just walking (backwards?) into a feather sends it up your . . .

    :sorry G

  15. #335
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    Why do washing machines have a window in them? For the cat to see out.


    You know that if you cut the whiskers off a cat, they have trouble getting through gaps and stuff. I know it's true, 'cos we used to do that to my Nan

    Greg

  16. #336
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Sheepman
    You must be VERY relaxed if just walking (backwards?) into a feather sends it up your . . .

    :sorry G
    you have NO idea!

    You know that if you cut the whiskers off a cat, they have trouble getting through gaps and stuff. I know it's true, 'cos we used to do that to my Nan[/QUOTE]

    I can't believe you are so cruel, sheepie

  17. #337
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Bardsey
    you have NO idea!
    I'm open to explanations though . . .
    Originally posted by Bardsey
    :I can't believe you are so cruel, sheepie
    you have NO idea!

    I was talking to my dog the other day, you can't really have a proper discussion with him, 'cos his mind's everywhere - "Bird, stick, cat, ball, tail."
    Every time he's losing an argument, which is about 9 times out of ten, he just says "But I can lick my testicles, can you?"
    I try to explain to him that I may not be able to lick my testicles, but if I want to wipe my arse, I don't HAVE TO DRAG MY ARSE ACROSS THE CARPET!

    Question
    Are birds scared of heights?

    Greg

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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My first winter in Scotland.....!!

    Originally posted by Sheepman
    I try to explain to him that I may not be able to lick my testicles, but if I want to wipe my arse, I don't HAVE TO DRAG MY ARSE ACROSS THE CARPET!



    Question
    Are birds scared of heights?

    Greg
    This one is! Squaaaaaaaaakkkkkk!

  19. #339
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    Question
    Are birds scared of heights?


    Yes, that's why they flap their wings!

    G

  20. #340
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    Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and
    takes their drink order.

    "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like
    a
    Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
    water," said the third little piggy.

    The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
    dinner.


    "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the
    salad
    plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
    water,"
    said the third little piggy.

    The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached
    the
    table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

    "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer
    float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of
    water,"
    exclaimed the third little piggy.

    "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
    "but
    why have you only ordered water all evening?"

    You're gonna LOVE me for this....




    The third piggy says -

    "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

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