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Thread: Jokes

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    Re: Jokes

    A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearingaid.
    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
    Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

    No response..
    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Still no response.
    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again he gets no response.
    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again there is no response.
    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


    (I just love this)






    "John, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

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    Are You insured for sex?

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    SEX with a sheep - NFU

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    Re: Jokes

    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?"

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    Re: Jokes

    Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr says 'give him 2 Viagra'. Nurse asks 'do u think that'll help?', Dr replies 'no but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!!!


    Bloke came in the pub last night, black top, black shorts and a whistle.... I thought blimey, its gonna kick off in a minute


    To all my male friends, great news for these financially challenging times... I hear there's a local prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously I can't afford it but I thought you might like a cheap night out!


    A Priest and a Hindu are making some toast, the priest says "Look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"The hindu says "I can't believe it's not buddha"


    Mick walks into Paddys barn & catches him dancing naked and masterbating in front of a large piece of machinery. Mick says "Paddy what are doing?".. Paddy says "well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & my therapist recommended i do something sexy to a tractor!"

  5. #3125
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    Re: Jokes

    HELL EXPLAINED

    BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
    So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.
    I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.


    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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    Re: Jokes

    A Banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table, sharing a plate of 12 biscuits.
    The Banker takes 11 biscuits and says to the Daily Mail reader:
    "Watch out, that benefit claimant wants your biscuit".

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    Re: Jokes

    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing benefit. I would really rather find a job.

    The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big
    black Lexus, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday trips. The
    salary package starts at £100,000.00 a year with room for bonuses.

    The scouser said "You're havin' me on!"

    The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

  8. #3128
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by RoyBoy View Post
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
    No it isn't - still funny though.

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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    No it isn't - still funny though.
    This might not be true either but it makes me laugh a lot.

    This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
    Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for: "termination without cause".

    This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

    "WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    ".......Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    ".............Okay, here it is.
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through the window"
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too ****ing stupid to own a computer."

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    Re: Jokes

    Bloke bumps into an old friend outside the hospital. The friend say's "What's wrong mate?"

    "I've got the big C"

    "What? Cancer?"

    "No, Dyslexia"

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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    Bloke bumps into an old friend outside the hospital. The friend say's "What's wrong mate?"

    "I've got the big C"

    "What? Cancer?"

    "No, Dyslexia"
    Dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

    Dyslexic pimp who set up a warehouse.

    Two dyslexic skiers. One said "should we zig and zag, or zag and zig?" The other replied, I don't know, but that bloke over there looks like he knows what he's doing let's ask him. So they approached the stranger and asked "in order to ski properly should we zig and zag, or zag and zig?" The stranger said "I wouldn't really know, I'm a tobogganist" One of the dyslexics said "ok then I'll have 20 Dunhill and a newspaper please."

    And finally..... Who was it anyway who came up with a word like dyslexia to describe people who can't spell?

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    Re: Jokes

    The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
    for Liverpool .

    The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

    'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while
    you were having such great time.'

    The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

    'Sorry?!?! Sorry?!?!' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to
    Liverpool in the first place !!!!!'

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    Re: Jokes

    A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors and says, "I've been taking steroids and now I have grown a c0ck!" the doctor asks, "Anabolic?" She replies, "no, just a c0ck!".

  14. #3134
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    Re: Jokes

    I went to weight watchers the other day and accidentally dropped a whole bag of Malteasers on the floor, it was the best game of Hungry Hippo's I've ever seen!

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    Re: Jokes

    The last thing Jesus said on the cross......

    "Mother .... save me ... save me ... save me an egg, i'll be back on Sunday"

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    Re: Jokes

    A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we’re going down the tracks.



    The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!”

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. “All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!”

    She heard her little darling continue. “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

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    Re: Jokes

    A blonde woman is driving home from work along the M62. Her husband calls her and says... "Be careful love, it's just been on the radio that someone is driving the wrong way on the M62!" "Someone?" she replies, "there's hundreds of em!"

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    Re: Jokes

    A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra. It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden - even in cold temperatures.After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the !@#$ out of him


    Adele goes to a Ferrari showroom intent on spending some of her royalties, she says to the salesman " Have you got something that'll do 0- 240 in 3 seconds.The salesman replies " Have you tried the bathroom scales?"

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    Re: Jokes

    Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman,

    a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank,
    an Arab, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian,

    a Pole, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Serb, a Greek,

    an Italian and a South African
    ...................went to a nightclub.


    The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

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    Re: Deathwish

    I remembered this after reading Lory's Smile post about her niece.

    Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

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