Page 156 of 158 FirstFirst ... 56106146152153154155156157158 LastLast
Results 3,101 to 3,120 of 3145

Thread: Jokes

  1. #3101
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

    The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said; "Sh*t, I missed."

    The good Sister told him to watch his language.

    On his next swing, he missed again

    "Sh*t, I missed."


    "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..

    The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

    On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

    Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

    On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again,

    "Sh*t, I missed."...




    ...A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.




    And from the sky comes a booming voice:













    "Sh*t, I missed."

  2. 2 'Thanks':

    Andy McGregor (28th-September-2010), DavidB (27th-August-2010)

  3. #3102
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Thanks
    769
    Thanked 767 Times in 505 Posts

    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Bloke says to the wife in bed "Give us a Chilean Miner, would you darling"

    "What's that?" she says

    "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there til Christmas"


  4. 2 'Thanks':

    Cruella (3rd-November-2010), Prian (6th-September-2010)

  5. #3103
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    Paddy finds a sandwich with two red wires sticking out of it.

    He straight away phones the police and says, "Bejesus, I've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb...".

    The operator asks, "Is it ticking?". Paddy says, "No, I tink its' beef".

  6. #3104
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Sri Lanka
    Posts
    770
    Thanks
    136
    Thanked 163 Times in 93 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    When asked why he was late to school one morning a young boy explained that his granddad had been burnt.

    “I hope it wasn’t too bad” said the teacher.

    “Well, they don’t f!@# around at crematoriums do they,” replied the child.

  7. #3105
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

    The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

    Dear Sir,
    Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

    The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

  8. #3106
    Papa Smurf
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Planet Scathe
    Posts
    12,528
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked 573 Times in 379 Posts

    Blog Entries
    6
    Rep Power
    15

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil_dB View Post
    ...very old joke...
    can't we stop at just the one re-telling of the same joke in the same thread

    it appeared back in 2009

    after first appearing in 2006

  9. #3107
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    can't we stop at just the one re-telling of the same joke in the same thread

    it appeared back in 2009

    after first appearing in 2006
    Great post

    Obviously you have nothing better to do with your time

    156 pages of jokes, you want me to check a joke hasn't been posted? - obviously, I have got better things to do with my time.

    And from what I've seen, your only contribution to this thread is to criticise people's jokes.

    This thread is called "jokes", - not "moody old git"

  10. Thanks:

    Andy McGregor (28th-September-2010)

  11. #3108
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Fife.
    Posts
    5,701
    Thanks
    110
    Thanked 250 Times in 132 Posts

    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil_dB View Post
    This thread is called "jokes", - not "moody old git"
    U're out of line there, Phil... DS isn't that old....

  12. Thanks:

    Phil_dB (28th-September-2010)

  13. #3109
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Thanks
    927
    Thanked 580 Times in 442 Posts

    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil_dB View Post
    Great post

    Obviously you have nothing better to do with your time

    156 pages of jokes, you want me to check a joke hasn't been posted? - obviously, I have got better things to do with my time.

    And from what I've seen, your only contribution to this thread is to criticise people's jokes.

    This thread is called "jokes", - not "moody old git"

  14. #3110
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    One for you Gav


    A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

    "The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

  15. 6 'Thanks':

    Dance Demon (28th-September-2010), daveb9000 (29th-September-2010), Double Trouble (29th-September-2010), Dreadful Scathe (29th-September-2010), Gav (29th-September-2010), whitetiger1518 (12th-October-2010)

  16. #3111
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Thanks
    769
    Thanked 767 Times in 505 Posts

    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    can't we stop at just the one re-telling of the same joke in the same thread


    I got stung by a bee the other day...


    ...£5 quid for a jar of fekkin honey!!!



  17. #3112
    Papa Smurf
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Planet Scathe
    Posts
    12,528
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked 573 Times in 379 Posts

    Blog Entries
    6
    Rep Power
    15

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Phil_dB View Post
    Great post

    Obviously you have nothing better to do with your time
    bah - i thought "not that old chestnut" searched on "wooden leg" by post - got the two relevant ones. 10 seconds. Job done. It took you longer to type the joke in, so who's got better things to do ? huh huh ?

    And from what I've seen, your only contribution to this thread is to criticise people's jokes.
    Only recently. I'm on an anti bad joke crusade. I don't bother with Prians anymore though - he wouldn't listen

  18. Thanks:

    Phil_dB (29th-September-2010)

  19. #3113
    Registered User Phil_dB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    535
    Thanks
    286
    Thanked 190 Times in 100 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    The Italian Wedding Test

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
    clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

    Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.

  20. 2 'Thanks':

    daveb9000 (28th-October-2010), Gav (27th-October-2010)

  21. #3114
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    3,756
    Thanks
    92
    Thanked 104 Times in 57 Posts

    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    A lawyer boarded an airplane in Cape Town with a box of frozen crabs
    and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
    advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
    frozen, mentioning in a very arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and
    proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
    landing in Johannesburg , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
    "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Cape town, please raise your hand.".
    Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

  22. Thanks:

    Gav (19th-November-2010)

  23. #3115
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Thanks
    927
    Thanked 580 Times in 442 Posts

    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    I went out for an Indian last night and I had a Chicken Tarka.

    It's a bit like Chicken Tikka, but otter.


  24. 2 'Thanks':

    CheesyRobMan (20th-December-2010), Dance Demon (13th-December-2010)

  25. #3116
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Bristol
    Posts
    3,166
    Thanks
    548
    Thanked 430 Times in 274 Posts

    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
    2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
    4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
    5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
    7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
    8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
    10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
    11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
    12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
    13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
    14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
    18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
    19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
    20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
    22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    24. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
    25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
    26. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
    27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
    28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
    30. Don’t **** me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
    31. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘**** it – just grab a pile of ****. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
    32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
    33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
    34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
    37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
    38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
    39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
    40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
    41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
    42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
    43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
    44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
    47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
    48. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
    49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
    51. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    52. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
    53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
    54. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
    55. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    56. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
    57. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
    58. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
    61. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    62. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
    63. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
    64. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    65. If you can read this, the bitch fell off… [Seen on the back of a biker's vest]
    66. Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
    67. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
    68. A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
    69. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
    70. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
    71. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
    72. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
    73. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
    74. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
    75. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
    76. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
    77. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    78. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
    79. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
    80. Opinions are indeed like assholes, some are just bigger than others.
    81. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
    82. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
    83. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    84. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
    85. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    86. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
    87. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    88. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    89. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
    90. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
    91. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    92. Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
    93. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
    94. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
    95. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
    96. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
    97. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
    98. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
    99. I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
    100. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

  26. #3117
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Sri Lanka
    Posts
    770
    Thanks
    136
    Thanked 163 Times in 93 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

    One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

    His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

    “He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

    So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

    “I can’t remember.”

  27. #3118
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    talc free Fife....
    Posts
    2,376
    Thanks
    96
    Thanked 84 Times in 67 Posts

    Rep Power
    6

    Re: Jokes

    Dear Santa

    Last year I got a sweater for Christmas, this year, if possible could I have a moaner or a screamer.....

  28. 2 'Thanks':

    CheesyRobMan (20th-December-2010), Prian (20th-December-2010)

  29. #3119
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Thanks
    769
    Thanked 767 Times in 505 Posts

    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    A bloke notices a gorgeous woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asks. She says "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?". He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says "Were you the hooker I shagged over the pool table at my stag do while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?" she stares at him and says "No, I'm your daughter's teacher".

  30. 2 'Thanks':

    djtrev (10th-January-2011), Prian (10th-January-2011)

  31. #3120
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Thanks
    769
    Thanked 767 Times in 505 Posts

    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Bloke walks into WH Smiths and asks the girl behind the counter "Do you have that new self help book in yet, for blokes with small willies?"

    Girl says "I don't think its in yet"

    Bloke says "Yeah, that's the one".

  32. 3 'Thanks':

    Dance Demon (21st-January-2011), Gav (19th-January-2011), Prian (19th-January-2011)

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes
    By stewart38 in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28th-April-2006, 03:22 PM
  2. Scottish Jokes
    By StevanHogg in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 19th-November-2005, 07:58 PM
  3. where has the Jokes thread gone??
    By under par in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 25th-October-2005, 12:37 AM
  4. Rofling at your own jokes...
    By MartinHarper in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24th-February-2005, 12:33 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •