What animals think.
I was watching the footie the other night, when my wife turned to me and said "you're the most annoying twat i know"
I was so shocked, I almost dropped my vuvuzela!...
I'm not sure I want to order an "Englisch" translation from this company - incidentally, the German organisation which represents technical documentation (and translation) organisations!
Bloke comes home to his wife and says “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
Wife says “I’d take half and leave you”
Bloke says “Great! I’ve won a tenner, here’s a fiver now fek off!”
After taking your time to view these adorable pictures.....
Please. Read the message at the end, ...........it really is beautiful.
FOR SALE:
One F*cking Useless Cat
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat..the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'.
Little Jimmy was admitted to hospital today with 6 toy horses lodged up his bottom. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.
Apparently, if Raoul Moat was still in hiding this week, they were going to double the reward.
It would have been a RAOULover.
Don't you just hate it when old people say at weddings "It'll be your turn next", so I've reversed it and I say the same to them at funerals.
My dyslexic South African friend has been arrested for trying to blow a
Zulus vulva......
6 year old Timmy goes to the zoo with his Dad
“Look Dad, it’s a moo moo”
“No, son, it’s a cow. You’re a big boy now”
“Look Dad, it’s a quack quack”
“No son, they are ducks, please use the right words, you’re a big boy now”
“Sorry Dad”
On the way home in the car Timmy was very quiet in the back.
“What are you doing son?”
“I’m reading Dad”
Very educational, Dad thinks
“What are you reading?”
“Winnie the shlt”
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub one night. Mary says “I need a wee” and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary’s legs. He jokes “Have you changed your sex?” Mary says “No, I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a poo”
You might remember this...
Now someone's made a little tune out of it
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us,
"Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly. So, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied (without missing a beat)
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
A couple of newly weds get ready for bed on their wedding night. Being an old fashioned couple they have not seen each other naked before…
As the man takes off his shoes and socks his wife say’s “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your feet?”
“I’ve got Toes-alitis”
She raises her eyebrows and says “It’s tonsillitis, silly…and you don’t get it on your feet!”
He goes on to take off his trousers to reveal horribly deformed knees
“Dear God! What on earth have you done to your knees?”
“I’ve got Kneesles”
“kneesles? There’s no such thing! It’s measles and it doesn’t make your knees go like that!”
He then takes off his underpants and as he’s standing before her his wife she says “Oh…I see you’ve got Small Cox too”
Three honeymoon couples having adjoining suites in a hotel.
The couple in the first room have never seen each other naked. When the bride strips naked her husband whistles and praises her body but then says "your boobs are a bit saggy." He gets a slap and is told to wait out in the balcony while she decides whether she will sleep with him tonight or not.
In the next room the exact same situation has arisen except the groom tells his wife that her bum is a bit big.
When he steps out onto the balcony he sees the first man and they acknowledge each others predicament.
When the third suite door opens and the groom steps out one of the first two asks "did you put your foot in it too?"
The third groom says "no, but I could have!"
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes... As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
.
.
.
.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Best jokes from this year's Edinburgh Fringe
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
and the worst
Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sicko would throw a wasp in a bin?
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