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Thread: Jokes

  1. #3061
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    Re: Jokes

    Things you can learn from watching the movies


    All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
    If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade — at any time of the year.
    All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
    It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
    If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
    You're very likely to survive any battle in any war — unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
    You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.
    A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
    Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    The Chief of Police will suspend his star detective — or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
    A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium
    Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.
    Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
    It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
    No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
    Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
    Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
    Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
    During any police investigation, it is necessary to visit at least one strip club
    One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.
    Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
    Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
    When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
    If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
    Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
    Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. .

    An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

    If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

    One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

    Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them

    Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

    If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

    All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about

    Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

    Building ventilation ducts are always clean.

    Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom

    Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.

    Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.

    All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.

    Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.

    If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

    Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after as long as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.

    Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end , it seems like they will live happily ever after, yet dosent even mention her name or remember her in sequals!

    In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.


    Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer.
    Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.


    If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.

    No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.

    Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence

    All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice, yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to pieces

    Word processors never display a cursor.

    You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

    All
    monitors display 2 inch high letters.

    You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard

    All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

    A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world and guess the secret password in two tries.

    Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

    Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

    No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms

    Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

    Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

    Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner?

  2. #3062
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    Re: Jokes

    most of those are nonsense, and subsequently, not funny at all. boo hiss. bring back thoughful yet occasionally offensive jokes - all is forgiven

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    Re: Jokes

    A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

    He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

    Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

    "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

    "That is right," said the doctor.

    He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

    "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

    Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

    He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

  4. #3064
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Sheepman View Post
    Another old one, from what I'm told, it won't apply to Apple users?

    Greg

    Dear Helpdesk,

    A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
    Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2002 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
    But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try
    and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
    Any ideas?
    Yes - try installing Mother 3.2 on the home system for a few weeks. This is guaranteed to steadily reduce instances of Wife 1.0, Girlfriend (all versions), and Fiance (all versions). Although removal of Mother 3.2 can be tricky, it can be achieved with patience. Once done, leave the system running free for a while, until sure of stability. Then try ThaiBride2.0, or Russianwife 1.3. Once they are recognised as UK installations, they will happily uninstall without any need to clean out the registry.

  5. #3065
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    Re: Jokes

    What's the difference between the Eyjafjallajokull volcano and Cheryl Cole?


    Eyjafjallajokull is still blowing Ash.

  6. #3066
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    Re: Jokes

    One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was

    getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were

    problems everywhere.



    Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not

    produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was

    beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.



    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

    This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the

    reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give

    birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven

    knows where. More stress.



    Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards

    cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered

    the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a

    cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.



    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves

    had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In

    his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and

    it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen

    floor.



    He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the

    straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa

    cussed on his way to the door.



    He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great

    big Christmas tree.



    The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.

    Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.

    Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to

    stick it?"



    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

  7. #3067
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    Re: Jokes

    So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

    To which Murphy replies,

    "Well if they fell forwards,
    they'd still be in the f**kin' boat!"

  8. #3068
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    Re: Jokes

    What Makes 100%?
    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
    How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
    And: K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
    But: A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
    But then, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    And now, look how far arse kissing will take you.
    A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will
    get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Arse kissing
    that will put you over the top.

  9. #3069
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    Re: Jokes


    ANOTHER SCOUSE CLASSIC !



    A woman walks into a Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
    WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


    'Yeah they're all mine,' the mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
    She says, 'Sit down, Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

    'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
    I'll need all your children's names.'

    'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
    'OK, and who's next?'
    'Well, this one he's Terry, also.'

    The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues, one by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
    Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
    'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

    Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'
    An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'
    An' if I need to stop the kid running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.
    It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

    The social worker thinks this over, then wrinkles her forehead and says, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

    'I call them by their surname!'

  10. #3070
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    Re: Jokes

    A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
    To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that size."

  11. #3071
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    Re: Jokes

    This isn't so much a joke, it's more entertainment. Click HERE, sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance

  12. #3072
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    Re: Jokes

    this made me laugh today (when I should have been working but at least it ws my manager that sent it to me)
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p0082twv

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    Re: Jokes

    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:






    QUOTE FROM HAROLD



    I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

    Harold should be an inspiration to us all.



  14. #3074
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    Re: Jokes

    PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....



    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.


    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

    " Marion ... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful !!... - So, - what's it like ???!!"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

    I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

    After supper, it's back to golf course again.

    Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"



    "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"



    "No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...."

  15. #3075
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    Re: Jokes

    (before marriage) Husband: I can hardly wait Wife: Do u want me to leave? Husband: Dont even think about it. Wife: Do you love me? Husbandf course, always have Wife:Have you cheated on me? Husband: No, why you even asking Wife:Will you kiss me? Husband: every chance i get Wife: Will you hit me? Husband: Hell no are you crazy Wife: Can i trust you? Husband: Yes Wife: Darling (After marriage, read from bottom to top)


    Made me smile

  16. #3076
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    Re: Jokes

    Oxo have introduced a new white oxo cube with a red stipe through the middle to support the English football team...


    ...It's called The Laughing Stock.

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    Re: Jokes

    The Loving Husband

    A man had two of the best seats at the FA Cup final.

    As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

    "No", he says, "the seat is empty."

    "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married.."

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"



    The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

  18. #3078
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    Re: Jokes

    Haynes Workshop Manuals

    There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English...

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Prise off...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

    Haynes: Lightly slacken...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

    Haynes: One spanner rating.
    Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating.
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

    Haynes: Five spanner rating.
    Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
    Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

  19. #3079
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    Re: Jokes

    The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa yesterday.

    “It’s so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible”, said Jamal Omboto, aged six.

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    Re: Jokes

    “David Blaine is said to be gutted because his record of doing #$%* all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney”

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