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Reply With Quotewhat an incredibly racist quiz
A quick easy to understand guide to political ideologies
FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbour’s decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbour’s pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
LESBIANISM:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up tothe window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
How do they grow seedless grapes?
Do penguins have knees?
Can you cry underwater?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
When the French swear, do they say "pardon my English"?
How old do i need to be to die of old age?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath u use, the bubbles are always white?
Why is the word abbreviate so long?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Before drawing boards were invented, what did people go back to?
What do you call a male ladybird?
Why do you get on a bus or a train, but into a car?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
How do we know humpty dumpty was an egg?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to **** you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to f**k off.
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph das bustenholten!"
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive lookingwoman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twentyof your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and m
ulti-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you were European you would have answered A to all of the above.
This is what we want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.
And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:
1) Czech salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) Irish girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government
officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one
official began, "you have observed the white man for 90
years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did
the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government
officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When
white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes.
No debt.
Plenty buffalo.
Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night
screwing women." The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White
man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
what an incredibly racist quiz
Had not thought of it like that. To me it is just funny.Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe
what an incredibly racist quiz
Confucius say...
If you can't find the book you want...
you're probably shopping at the…
Heart Warming Lawyer story...
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
this joke left intentionally blank
Someone or something always has to be the butt of a funny joke or story but if the PC kill-joys get their way there'll be no more humour left in this country; when was the last time you went to a comedy club and heard a Paki joke or Muslim joke or Irish joke or poof joke or any joke other than the one about the straight, white, employed, Christian guy?
What is racism anyway, the concept of racism is too subjective to simply have one, all encompassing name. The same applies to gender phobia (I know a few homosexuals and lesbians but I'm not afraid of any of them) and you could talk all day about the ridiculous hate laws
I say to the PC mobsters, "Get out and have a laugh, it's good for you"
Alternative to waxing, for men.
Funny! But perhaps it should be upstairs, not here...?
you'll be one of those PC mobsters Brian doesn't like
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/8590391.stm
Is that you Phil?
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is
dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot, then sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£250?" she cried, "£250
just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£250."
There is a very, very, tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals;
A Lion
A Chimp
A Giraffe
A Squirrel
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
(Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . )
You have 30 seconds.
Personality analysis result:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.
(A coconut tree doesn't have bananas.)
this really made me laugh
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of
'pretend' bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no Emailing.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the doctor or hospital.
He must also make biscuits or cakes for a social function..
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting..
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name,
favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
All the above must be completed whilst working in either full time (preferably) or part time employment to assist in the financial input for the family.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's
notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again
for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mum!
After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a laugh out of it and as many men as you think can handle it! Just don't send it back
to me....
I'm going to bed.
Jeez DT, if you think that's hard, your man must be spoiling you
Classic - even a bit on political correctness 3.25
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