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Thread: Jokes

  1. #3021
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    Re: Jokes

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
    he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it,he is confronted by a little Chinese man, holding a
    clipboard and yelling,

    " You sign ! You sign !"

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
    starts to yell louder,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "look, you've obviously got the wrong person", and
    shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

    When he opens it, the Chinese man is back with a truck load of brake pads.

    He thrusts the clipboard under Nelson's nose yelling,

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Mr Mandela is gett ing pissed off by now. He pushes the Chinese man
    back shouting :

    "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I do not want them!" He
    slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting. It is late in the afternoon and
    he hears a knock on the door again.

    On opening the door, he sees the Chinese man again, thrusting a
    clipboard under his nose and shouting:

    "You sign! You sign!"

    Behind him are two large trucks full of car parts...

    This time Mandela loses his temper completely. He picks up the little
    man by his shirt front and shouts at him:

    "Look I do not want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
    name. Who do you want to give this to?"

    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says;.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    (It's a beauty)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    (Wait for it) (Be patient now)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    (Get Ready)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ( In your best Chinese accent -- )
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

  2. #3022
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    Re: Jokes

    It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Saskatoon asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..


    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


    'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


    'How can you be so sure? ' the chief asked.


    The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

  3. #3023
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    Re: Jokes

    HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK







    1. Open a new file in your computer.



    2. Name it "Gordon Brown"



    3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.



    4. Empty the Recycle Bin.



    5. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of “Gordon Brown”?



    6. Firmly Click "Yes"



    7. Feel better?





    GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Peter Mandelson

  4. #3024
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by philsmove View Post





    GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Peter Mandelson
    Then we can do Body Bag Bob (Bob Ainsworth)

  5. #3025
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    Re: Jokes

    Not really a joke but Anagrams

    DORMITORY:?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    DIRTY ROOM

    PRESBYTERIAN:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:
    When you rearrange the letters:?
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    ???
    When you rearrange the letters:
    ?
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE
    ?:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS

    SLOT MACHINES:
    ?
    When you rearrange the lette rs:
    CASH LOST IN ME

    ANIMOSITY:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IS NO AMITY

    ELECTION RESULTS:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

    SNOOZE ALARMS:
    ?
    When you r earrange the letters:
    ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

    A DECIMAL POINT:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IM A DOT IN PLACE

    THE EARTHQUAKES:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THAT QUEER SHAKE

    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
    ?
    When you rearrange the letters:
    TWELVE PLUS ONE

  6. #3026
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    Re: Jokes

    Where should a dressmaker build her house?

    On the outskirts !

    (From the cracker I had at our christmas lunch today)

  7. #3027
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    Re: Jokes

    Following on from Stuart...

    How do you save meatballs from drowning?

    Put them in a gravy boat!

    (I think it's the first time I've even mildly chuckled at a cracker joke in a long time)

  8. #3028
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    Re: Jokes

    LIVING WILL Last night, the kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them , 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So the brats unplugged my TV and took it away and then poured out all my booze.

  9. #3029
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    Re: Jokes

    THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

    "Our First Winter"

    DEC 20th
    It's starting to snow. The first of the
    season and the first we've seen
    for years. The wife and I took out our hot
    toddies and sat on the porch
    watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently
    down clinging to the trees
    and covering the ground. It's so beautiful
    and peaceful.
    DEC 24th
    We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal
    white glistening snow covering as
    far as the eye could see. What a fantastic
    sight, every tree and bush
    covered with a beautiful white mantle. I
    shovelled snow for the first time
    ever and loved it. I did both our driveway
    and the pavement. Later that
    day a snowplough came along and accidentally
    covered up our driveway with
    compacted snow from the street. The driver
    smiled and waved. I waved back
    and shovelled it away again. The children
    next door built a snowman with
    coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and
    had a snowball fight, a
    couple just missed me and hit the car so I
    threw a couple back and joined
    in their fun.
    DEC 26th
    It snowed an additional 5 inches last night
    and the temperature dropped
    to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches
    on our trees and bushes
    snapped due to the weight of the snow. I
    shovelled the driveway again.
    Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by
    and did his trick again.
    Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
    JAN 1st
    Warmed up enough during the day to create
    some slush which soon became
    ice when the temperature dropped again.
    Bought snow tyres for both our
    cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went
    to a physio but nothing was broken.
    JAN 5th
    Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought
    her a 4x4 to get her to work.
    She slid into a wall and did considerable
    damage to the right wing. Had
    another 8 inches of white sh1te last night.
    Both vehicles are covered in
    salt and iced up slush That bastard
    snowplough came by twice today.
    Where's that bloody shovel.
    JAN 9th
    More f*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our
    property that hasn't been
    damaged. Power was off most of the night.
    Tried to keep from freezing to
    death with candles and a paraffin heater
    which tipped over and nearly
    torched the house. I managed to put the
    flames out but suffered 2nd
    degree burns on my hands. Lost all my
    eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f*cking
    deer on the way to casualty and car was
    written off.
    JAN 13th
    F*cking bastard white sh1te just keeps on
    coming down. Have to put on
    every article of clothing just to go to the
    post box. The little c*nts
    next door ambushed me with snowballs on the
    way back - I'll shove that
    carrot so far up the little bastard's arse
    it'll take a surgeon hours
    to find it. If I ever catch the tw*t that
    drives the snowplough I'll chew
    open his chest and rip out his heart with my
    teeth. I think the bastard
    hides around the corner and waits for me to
    finish shovelling and then he
    accelerates down the street like Michael
    f*cking Schumacher and buries the
    f*cking driveway again.
    JAN 17th
    Sixteen more f*cking inches of f*cking snow
    and f*cking ice and f*cking
    sleet and god knows what other white sh1te
    fell last night. I am in court
    in 3 months time for assaulting the
    snowplough driver with an ice-pick.
    Can' t move my f*cking toes. Haven't seen
    the sun for 5 weeks.
    Minus 20 and more f*cking snow forecast.
    JAN 18th
    F*CK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

  10. #3030
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    Re: Jokes

    Official Announcement:
    The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
    Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

  11. #3031
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    Re: Jokes

    An Irish woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 7 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice"
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks.."
    Boy: "My Dad's outside.."
    Man: "OK, how much?"
    Boy: "£250"
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy: "£750"
    Man: "Sold."
    A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy: "£1,000"
    The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to chapel, to confession."

    They go to the chapel and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again, you're in my closet now."

  12. #3032
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    Re: Jokes

    For some time, many of us have wondered who is "Jack Sh1t"

    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Sh1t"
    Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Sh1t is the only son of Awe Sh1t who married one of the Oh Sh1ts, the owners of Knee Deep n Sh1t Co.
    In turn, Jack Sh1t married No Sh1t and the couple had 6 children:
    Holy Sh1t, Giva Sh1t, Fulla Sh1t, Bull Sh1t and the twins Deep Sh1t & Dip Sh1t.
    Deep Sh1t married Dumb Sh1t, a college drop out.
    After 15 years, Jack Sh1t and No Sh1t got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No Sh1t Sherlock.
    Meanwhile, Dip Sh1t married Sh1t Happens,
    Bull Sh1t travelled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh1t.

    So now tell me, "You don't know Jack Sh1t !!

  13. #3033
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    Re: Jokes

    supposedly from a group of , 6-year-olds.

    1.
    Don't change horses
    Until they stop running.
    2.
    Strike while the
    Bug is close.
    3.
    It's always darkest before
    Daylight Saving Time.
    4.
    Never underestimate the power of
    Termites.
    5.
    You can lead a horse to water but
    How?
    6.
    Don't bite the hand that
    Looks dirty.
    7.
    No news is
    impossible
    8.
    A miss is as good as a
    Mr.
    9.
    You can't teach an old dog new
    Math
    10.
    If you lie down with dogs, you'll
    Stink in the morning.
    11.
    Love all, trust
    Me.
    12.
    The pen is mightier than the
    Pigs.
    13.
    An idle mind is
    The best way to relax.

    14.
    Where there's smoke there's
    Pollution.
    15.
    Happy the bride who
    Gets all the presents.
    16.
    A penny saved is
    Not much.
    17.
    Two's company, three's
    The Musketeers.
    18.
    Don't put off till tomorrow what
    You put on to go to bed.
    19.
    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
    You have to blow your nose.
    20.
    There are none so blind as
    Stevie Wonder.
    21.
    Children should be seen and not
    Spanked or grounded.
    22.
    If at first you don't succeed
    Get new batteries.
    23.
    You get out of something only what you
    See in the picture on the box
    24.
    When the blind lead the blind
    Get out of the way.
    25.
    A bird in the hand
    Is going to poop on you.

  14. #3034
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    Re: Jokes

    The Welsh Cow
    The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the Welsh cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

    The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said, When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales "


  15. #3035
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    Re: Jokes

    Bloke is in hospital after being in an horrific car accident.

    Dr "Sorry Sir, the bad news is you've lost both your legs"

    Bloke "What's the good news?"

    Dr "That bloke in the bed opposite says he'll give you a tenner for your slippers"


  16. #3036
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    Re: Jokes

    Caller: Hi, our printer isn't working.

    Helpdesk: What is wrong with it?

    Caller: The mouse is jammed.

    Helpdesk: Printers don't have mice?

    Caller: I'll send you a picture...





    Scroll down...











  17. #3037
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    Re: Jokes

    Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

    1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

    2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

    1st woman: I froze to death.

    2nd woman: How horrible!

    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to cat him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself the den watching TV.

    1st woman
    : So, what happened?

    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive !

  18. #3038
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    Re: Jokes

    The Black Bra (as told by a woman):

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

    We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes...

    Here's how it all went:

    My engaged friend:
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
    He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
    I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

    When he came in the door and saw me he said,












    "What's for dinner,Batman?"

  19. #3039
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    Re: Jokes

    A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.... He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite ye breasts for £100?

    "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite ye breasts for £1,000?" he asks.

    "Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

    So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite ye breasts just once for £10,000?"

    She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, £10,000; O.K., just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

    So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"





    "Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

  20. #3040
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    Re: Jokes

    A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband, "I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man."

    The husband thinks for a second and says, "Well it's 2010, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?"

    She fidgets for a minute, then says, "Tiger Woods."

    Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her, "Well, he's rich and talented. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him."

    So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and aks, "What are you doing?"

    He tells her, "I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?"

    "Tiger wouldn't have done," she says.

    "Oh really? What would Tiger have done," he asks.

    "Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time."

    So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

    "Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry," he replies.

    "Tiger wouldn't have done that," she again tells him.

    "Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?"

    "Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time," she says.

    So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.

    "Calling room service again?" she asks.

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods so I can find out what the par is for this f**king hole!!"

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