What do you call two spanish fireman.....
Hose a and Hose b
What do you call a Mexican lost in a parking lot?
Carlos.
What do you call two spanish fireman.....
Hose a and Hose b
What do you call an Indian F1 driver?
Ray Singh!
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Did you here about the gay cowboy....
he shot up the sheriff
Two dyslexic skiers on top of a mountian,one says to the other how do we get down from here...do we zig zag or zag zig...the other one says i dont know...theres a guy over there go and ask him..ok his mate says...and of he goes...excuse me i wondered if you could help me and my friend,we are two dyslexic skiers and dont no how to get down the mountain do we zig zag or zag zig? the guy says i dont know either, iam just a tobogannist.....oh ok he said i,ll have 20 Marlboro then
Now i had to think about this one.......
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day when they stopped and had a rest.
Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come" he said.
The Lone ranger asked " how do you know that"
"Face Sticky" replied Tonto.
Apparently Real Madrid have asked Manchester United for their £80 million back, as they have discovered that you can get a big girl's blouse for £4.99 in Primark
Chuck Norris for Geeks
1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn't your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Tower of Hanoi problem in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations. Ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. "It works on my machine" always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because Chuck Norris is always in control.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".
POLAR BEAR WALKS INTO A PUB AND THEN BARMAN SAYS CAN I HELP YOU?
THE POLAR BEARS SAYS I,LL HAVE A,EMM,A--------------------I,LL HAVE A,EM,A,EM,A,EM-----------------------------------BARMAN SAYS WHY THYE BIG PAWS
pring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Tuesday, May 19, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
A man comes home from work and says to his wife, ive got a new game for us to play....
She says whats that then....
He says ive brought some flavoured condoms, i,ll put each one of them on,and see if you can guess what flavour they are.....
She says ok sounds fun....
They go upstairs she proceeds with the game and says i know that one its cheese and onion...
he said cheeky cow i aint put one on yet
what do yoy call a russian prostitute.......
Knickersoff alot
What's white, plastic, and no longer a threat to children?
A Woolworth's carrier bag of course!
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it...
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us..
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak
very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right,
so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows
on her right..
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're
looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."
What does a Hippy Horse eat........
Hey man....
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