Page 13 of 158 FirstFirst ... 3910111213141516172363113 ... LastLast
Results 241 to 260 of 3145

Thread: Jokes

  1. #241
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    London
    Posts
    1,080
    Rep Power
    11
    Lady walks into her Dr’s and says
    ‘Dr, I’ve a problem with the HRT treatments you’ve put me on’,
    ‘So what’s the problems’ ask the Doc
    ‘Well, since I’ve started it, I’ve loads of hair growing in some unusual places’
    ‘Well’ says the Doc ‘Excessive hair growth on HRT is to be expected unfortunately - where exactly is the hair growing?’
    ‘On me bol****s, and that’s something else I want to talk about’.

  2. #242
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    889
    Rep Power
    12
    A man was walking along the street when he saw a
    ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
    do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
    upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly
    woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
    she said.

    No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the
    ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
    slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the
    eye.

    "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
    said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well
    carry on.

    On the next cloud was an even more attractive
    lady who, this time, was actually quite
    desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to
    success" she said. As he turned her down and went
    on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
    this was getting better the further he went.

    On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
    attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or
    climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

    Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and
    being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

    When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400
    pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
    buzzing around his head.

    "Who are you?" the man asked.

    "Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's
    Cess!"

  3. #243
    The Oracle
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Posts
    2,263
    Rep Power
    13

    I know it's old...

    ... but it is one of my favourite jokes.

    [ACTUAL (not really) transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.]

    Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

    Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

    Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

    Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

    Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

    Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

  4. #244
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Gold Coast, Austra
    Posts
    2,345
    Rep Power
    11

    Topical

    Hell

    An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man
    throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to
    work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer.

    To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my
    kingdom!" laughs the devil. After a couple of days the devil checks in on
    his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he
    looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

    The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned
    the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

    The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It
    reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It
    reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

    The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussie's remarks.

    Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and
    torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his
    knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging
    through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the
    devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

    The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like August in near Melbourne. It
    reminds me of working out in the fields, getting ready for thespring planting!"

    The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell
    really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature
    plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this
    will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is
    aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his
    sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

    "How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the
    devil.

    Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
    "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"



    - Loved this when I recieved it today so had to pass it on (as I know you bought an England top David) - I managed to get tickets to the Final Yey - So I will be able to see England win LIVE !!!

    Marty

  5. #245
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: I know it's old...

    Originally posted by DavidB
    ... Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
    Love it !

  6. #246
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11

    Another oldie....

    Mummy Polar bear, Daddy Polar bear and Baby Polar bear walking through the snow and ice. Baby bear turns to his mum and asks "Mum, am I really a Polar bear?"
    "Yes of course you are darling" replies mum
    Five minutes later "Mum, are you really sure I'm a Polar bear"
    "Course you are darling" replies mum again.
    This goes on for a while til eventually the mummy polar bear loses patience and asks her offspring "Look, I'm getting a bit fed up with this now, why on earth do you keep asking if you're a polar bear?"
    "Cos I'm F***ing freezing" replies baby bear!

  7. #247
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    The far east-Kent
    Posts
    3,687
    Rep Power
    11
    Another old one, from what I'm told, it won't apply to Apple users?

    Greg

    Dear Helpdesk,

    A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
    Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2002 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period).
    But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try
    and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
    Any ideas?

  8. #248
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11
    Originally posted by Sheepman
    Any ideas?
    Good one, Sheepster !

  9. #249
    Registered User psyc0diver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Aberdeen
    Posts
    115
    Rep Power
    11
    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #250
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11
    Originally posted by psyc0diver
    Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!)

  11. #251
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Rep Power
    14
    Originally posted by Bardsey
    Nice one, but what does Weegie mean? (sorry I'm just a thick yorkshire lass...... blond too.....what can I say!)
    Glas-wee-gian.

    People from Glasgow are Weegie's

    Steve

  12. #252
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11
    Originally posted by TheTramp
    Glas-wee-gian.

    People from Glasgow are Weegie's

    Steve
    Thanks Steve, not heard the term before!

  13. #253
    The Forum Legend
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Nottingham
    Posts
    10,672
    Rep Power
    14
    Me neither before I'd moved up here....

    Steve

  14. #254
    Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Lory's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    North London
    Posts
    9,918
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    17
    > LITTLE JOHNNY ONCE AGAIN - A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her
    > students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My
    > family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was
    > fascinating."
    >
    > The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
    > "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See
    Rock
    > City and I was fascinated."
    >
    > The teacher said, "That was good Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."
    > Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because he was noted
    > for his bad language. ! She finally decided there was no way he could
    > damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin
    > has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only
    fasten
    > eight."
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

  15. #255
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11
    [QUOTE]Originally posted by Lory
    [B]>

    Thanks for that one Lory. I needed cheering up after what we've been talking about on the Rememberance thread.


  16. #256
    Registered User psyc0diver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Aberdeen
    Posts
    115
    Rep Power
    11
    OK if were getting onto the little johnny jokes!

    Teacher is asking the little darlings to give examples of words with more than one syllable. Little johnny immediatly shoots up his hand saying "me miss, me, me"
    Intentionally not noticing him she picks Mary.
    Mary says "kitten miss, two syllables"
    "Very good Mary"
    Little johnny goes "me miss, me miss"
    "Tom, whats your word"
    "goldfish miss, two syllables"
    and so on round the class, untill Johnny is the only one left
    "OK Johnny, whats your word?"
    "cunnilingus, miss, four syllables"
    not wishing to be seen to be shocked & flabergasted, she plays for recovery time saying "well that word is certainly a mouthfull"
    Johnny shoots back "no miss youre thinking of blow-job thats only two syllables"

  17. #257
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    889
    Rep Power
    12
    An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

    He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

    Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

  18. #258
    Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Lory's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    North London
    Posts
    9,918
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    17

    Not a joke but amusing anyway

    As I Mature

    I've learned that you cannot make
    someone love you. All you can do is
    stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

    I've learned that no matter how much I care,
    some people are just assholes.

    I've learned that it takes years
    to build up trust, and it only takes
    suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

    I've learned that you can get by
    on charm for about fifteen minutes.
    After that, you'd better have a big willy
    or huge boobs.

    I've learned that you shouldn't
    compare yourself to others - they are
    more screwed up than you think.

    I've learned that you can keep vomiting
    long after you think you're finished.

    I've learned that we are responsible
    for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

    I've learned that regardless of
    how hot and steamy a relationship is at
    first, the passion fades, and there had better
    be a lot of money to take its place!

    I've learned that 99% of the time when
    something isn't working in your house, one
    of your kids did it

    I've learned that the people you care most
    about in life are taken from you too soon
    and all the less important ones just never go away.
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

  19. #259
    Registered User psyc0diver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Aberdeen
    Posts
    115
    Rep Power
    11

    Talking True story !

    True story.

    On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11
    Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set
    foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on
    the moon,
    "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
    mankind",
    were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
    But just before he re-entered the lander, he made
    the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
    Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
    concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However,
    upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian
    or American space programs. Over the years many
    people questioned Armstrong as to what the
    "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
    Armstrong always just smiled.
    On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while
    answering questions following a speech, a reporter
    brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
    This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died
    and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
    In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town,
    he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
    His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard
    by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
    Mrs.Gorsky.
    As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
    Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
    "blow-job! You want a blow-job?! You'll get a blow-job when the kid
    next door walks on the moon!"


    Hence the song "Good luck mr Gorsky" by sleeper, pop trivia fact No. one for today


  20. #260
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Leeds
    Posts
    1,596
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Not a joke but amusing anyway

    Originally posted by Lory
    As I Mature
    I have a similar, but lengthier one, so thought I'd start a new thread, see what everyone else can come up with.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes
    By stewart38 in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28th-April-2006, 03:22 PM
  2. Scottish Jokes
    By StevanHogg in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 19th-November-2005, 07:58 PM
  3. where has the Jokes thread gone??
    By under par in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 25th-October-2005, 12:37 AM
  4. Rofling at your own jokes...
    By MartinHarper in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24th-February-2005, 12:33 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •