Jokes

[David Bailey]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[Tinkerbell]

Got this in work, thought some of them were quite funny:

Marriage one-liners...


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[Blueshoes]

A man walks into a chemist and up to the counter but when he sees a lady serving he backs off and starts casually handling random items on the shelves. The lady asks if she can help him.
"Is there a man here I can talk to?" he asks.
"No, it's just me and my sister, we run the shop. Can I help you at all?"
"I have a problem of a rather err, sensitive nature, I'd rather speak to a man about it."
"I'm an experienced chemist and have seen and heard lots of things in my time here, I'm sure I can help you if you tell me what the problem is."
The man considers for a minute then shrugs his shoulders to himself and starts to explain.
"I seem to have developed a err a ** cough ** a permanent erection. It just won't go down, is there anything you can give me for it".
The lady looks him up and down for a few seconds then says,
"This is very unusual, I'll have to go and talk to my sister about it."
She disappears for a few minutes and the guy wonders what's going on. Finally she reappears with her sister and they stand side by side behind the counter.
"Well, we've discussed it and feel the best we can offer is 8,000 pounds a year and a company car...."

[Beowulf]

a bit late for Christmas.. and a tad early for next

The Glesga Nedivity scene

[Dance Demon]

a bit late for Christmas.. and a tad early for next

The Glesga Nedivity scene

Haaaww!!!...that's pure quality man, so it is.....

[Blueshoes]

A policeman is pounding the beat late at night and shines his torch down a back alley to find he's lit up two men having sex up against a wall. He shouts out a warning and runs down the alley after them, meanwhile the men have both pulled up their trousers and have legged it in the opposite direction, round a corner.

The Copper rounds the corner a few seconds later to find a dead end with loads of rubbish about and no one in sight. He has a cursory look in a couple of bins and behind some pallets, then thinks better of it and turns to go. As he walks away he rattles his nightstick against some corrugated metal and shouts in frustration "If I catch either of you two I'm going to ram this truncheon right up your arse!"

There was a moment of absolute silence than he hears a voice say "I'm in the dumpster behind you."

[Stuart]

A LIVERPOOL LOVE STORY

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after
all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

[David Bailey]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[CentrAlex]

Husband and Wife hit their 25 year anniversary and decide to have a night of passion...however, throughout their whole marriage, the husband always insisted on doing it with the lights off.

Anyway, after about 2 hours (a record for him) the wife turns on the light to see how he has managed to go this long and sees him sitting there with a dildo!

She says, "You lying impotent B*****d, I cant believe you have lied to me all these years, explain yourself"

He says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids!"

[Blueshoes]

Was thinking of posting this on the limerick section, but then again, maybe not....


There was a young policeman from Clapham Junction
Whos penis just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life
He fooled his poor wife
With snot on the end of his trunceon!

[Double Trouble]

Was thinking of posting this on the limerick section, but then again, maybe not....


There was a young policeman from Clapham Junction
Whos penis just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life
He fooled his poor wife
With snot on the end of his trunceon!

You disgusting animal......leave the forum immediately.

[Dance Demon]

A Scotsman, an American, and an Irishman were discussing where the best bar in the world was. "In Glasgow, we have a bar called MacPhersons, and if you buy two drinks, MacPherson buys you a third one" says the Scotsman. "Hey, in Brooklyn, we have a bar called Vinny's where they buy you a drink after you buy your first one" says the American. " Ah well now, in Dublin, we have a bar called Murphy's, where they buy you you first, second, and third drinks, and then take you home for passionate sex" says the Irishman. "Wow!" say the other two," has this happened to you in Murphy's? "......"No!" says the Irishman,.........".but it happened to my sister".........

[Tinkerbell]

A couple decide they have to tighten their finances.

She says 'you are spending £16 a week on cans of beer it has to stop'.

A week later he says 'hang on your spending £28 a week on make up'.

She says 'yes but that’s to make me look lovely and attractive'.

He replies ‘that’s what the f***ing beer was for!’

[Stuart]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the
motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, and everything else is just dandy apart from.......I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an
inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an
inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. For instance mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back
the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.


The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

[Gav]

new competition for Virgin Airlines...

[andystyle]

Ah, yes. I used to do service support work for that model of aircraft. I believe there is a mis-print on the tail. It should read 'Sh*t'.

[senorita]

Four Jamaicans

were sitting around a campfire near the beach.
They were all "philosophising" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Seymour said, "I tink de fassess ting in the world is a "thought", because
before you can tink of it, it already thought."

Mildred said, "No man, the fassest ting in the worl' is a "blink", because
before you can tink to blink, you dun blink already."

Lucy said, "No, no, the fassess ting in the world is helectricity, because
when you turn on de light switch, de 'lectric travel farss-farss and the
light com on before you done know it."

Leroy said, "All ah-onoo wrong!! The fastest ting in the whole worl' is
diarrhea."
Everyone sey, "Diarrhea?"


Leroy said, "Yes man, cause las' night, ev'n before I could tink, blink, or
turn on de light dem, me done **** up meh self." !!!!

[Stuart]

SYDNEY (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and
regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team,
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Gentabout]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and
let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my
lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the
other cheek, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.



At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I almost fainted.

[WittyBird]

Five minutes out of your day to lighten the mood, we all need that from time to time....!

Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?