What is large, grey and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelelephant!
this is cool lol
http://www.miniclip.com/games/dancing-blair/en/
http://www.miniclip.com/games/blair-the-motivator/en/
Happy christmas to everyone & all the best for 2007! xxx
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
Seven Kinds of Sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex.
This is when you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more and she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
This is when you get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
A man and wife are about about to go to bed and the wife stands naked in front of the mirror......looking up and down at her body.
She says "my hair is going grey....I need a face lift....my boobs are sagging.....I've got a spare tyre around my middle........I need a tummy tuck.......I have cellulite all over my arse and legs.....please Brian, can you give me a compliment?"
Husband says "Well darling.....your eye sight is absolutely perfect"
Two Blondes walk into a building...
You thought one of them would have seen it!
Not a joke, a poem but got it sent to me so thought i would share it.
The penis poem.
My nookie days r over, my pilot light is out. What used 2 b my sex appeal is now my water spout. Time was when,on it's own accord,from it would spring. But now i've got a full time job 2 find the **ckin thing. It used to be embrassing the way it would behave, 4 every single morning it would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, 2 c it hang it's little head and watch me tie my shoes.
where do bees go to the toilet??
At a BP station
ohhhh - its fletch's three year aniversary of not drinking don't you know!! However it is more likely one of these drunken blondes could infact actually have been you!!!
What's the fastest way to a heart?
Through the chest with a sharp knife!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!
When would you care for a man's company?
When he owns it!!!
A householder awakes one morning to find a Gorilla in the tree at the bottom of his garden. He tries to shoo it away, but it just pelts him with fruit and otherwise ignores him. Returning indoors he phones the local zoo and they promise to send the Gorilla catcher around.
A few minutes later a white van with a purple flashing light and the words Gorilla Catcher painted on the side in bright purple paint screeches to a halt outside his house. A man in a white boiler suit with a 'Gorilla Catcher' logo front and back climbs out, drags some equipment from the van, and calls out to the Gorilla. The Gorilla pelts him with fruit too, and climbs a little higher up the tree.
The Gorilla Catcher then talks to the householder - who is very impressed by the obvious professionalism of the Gorilla Catcher - and explains what he is going to do, and demonstrates the various items of equipment:
"What I want you to do is shake the tree vigorously, because Gorillas have very poor balance once off the ground, and when he falls I'll catch him in the net."
- One large net, like a giant butterfly net.
- One very aggressive looking Bull Mastiff Dog,nearly three feet tall at the shoulder, with teeth like golf tees.
- One shotgun, pump action, five shots. Cocked and ready to use, safety catch off!
They try, but the Gorilla just laughs and pelts them with more fruit.
"Plan B", says the Gorilla Catcher. "You work the net, and I'll climb the tree and attempt to dislodge him by shaking the branch he's actually standing on."
"What if he misses the net?"
"In that case the dog here will leap forwards - as he has been trained to do - and seize the beast by his wedding tackle, thereby immobilising him for long enough for me to climb back down and help you with the net."
"So that's what the dog's for."
"Yes, Sir. It takes years to train them to run and grab with absolutely no hesitation or fear. Right, shall we get to it?"
"One last question. What's the shotgun for?"
"If *I* fall... Drop the net and shoot the bloody dog!"
home remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
7. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
11. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
12. And Finally..... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
All Girls Biker Bar
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is
only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
No it is not a dig at you Fletch!!
Hanging from a rescue helicopter, 11 were desperatly clinging on to a rope for their lives.
There was 1 women and 10 men, but one of them had to let go because the rope is fraying under the strain of their combined weight. Obviously nobody wanted to let go, and fall to their certain death to save the others.
Finally the women speaks up and says she'll let go because women are used to giving up stuff for men all the time, they have to give things up for their husbands and their kids, and, after all, males are the better sex, so she should give her life up to save theirs.
After she finished all the men clapped their hands.
There are currently 3 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 3 guests)
Bookmarks