Page 110 of 158 FirstFirst ... 1060100106107108109110111112113114120 ... LastLast
Results 2,181 to 2,200 of 3145

Thread: Jokes

  1. #2181
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Reading
    Posts
    1,105
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

    A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

    A bit hacked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

    The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

    Well and truly hacked off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage

    "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

    The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

    "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

  2. #2182
    Donna
    Guest

    Re: Jokes

    gaawwwd that one is sooo old!

  3. #2183
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

    Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

    Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

    And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

  4. #2184
    Registered User Katie Kicks Ass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Sunny Stoke!
    Posts
    317
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
    The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
    Well the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked the kid
    "OK,so how many sales did you make today?"
    The kid said "One."
    The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
    30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
    The kid replied "£101,237.64."
    The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell
    him?"
    The kid said "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish
    hook,and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,so
    I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
    I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his
    Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him
    the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
    The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
    buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
    The kid said "No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
    lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as
    well go fishing."

  5. #2185
    Registered User Katie Kicks Ass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Sunny Stoke!
    Posts
    317
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.

    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
    Corner, he's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
    My God, it's Jesus!"

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
    a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
    pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
    approaches the trio.

    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
    the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
    "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"


    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As He
    lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock, "Strewth mate, the bad back
    I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

    Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a
    table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

    "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.


    The Liverpudlian shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

  6. #2186
    Registered User Dizzy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Harrow, London
    Posts
    1,780
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
    The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

    He placed one half in front of his wife.

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into
    two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife ..
    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
    down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
    people around them kept looking over and whispering.

    You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they
    can afford is one meal for the two of them."
    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
    politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
    said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

    The surrounding people
    noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there
    watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
    drink.

    Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
    meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
    used to sharing everything."

    As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
    napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
    yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting
    for?"


    She answered......




    "THE TEETH''

  7. #2187
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    1,050
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Experience an Orgasm on both sides!

    Enjoy

    http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments...Simulator2.htm

  8. #2188
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Norf Lundin
    Posts
    17,001
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    18

    Re: Jokes

    A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

    The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

    "So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

    "Okay",said the man "but that's not so bad."

    "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
    "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

    The man laughed and said, "Again?"

    The farmer replied,"Some things you just can't explain.
    I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain"

    "So, what did you do?" the man asked.

    "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
    At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can't explain."

  9. #2189
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Achieving inner peace

    I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked.
    By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
    It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

    I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... So far today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and 9 beers.

    You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

  10. #2190
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Beoverse
    Posts
    7,985
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

    * 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

    * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

    * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

    * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    * 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

    * 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

    * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

    * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

    * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

    * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, …

  11. #2191
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Geekville
    Posts
    6,889
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    Why Are Men Happier?

    Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
    creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
    plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

    You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.


    The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol
    station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop
    and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress 2000. Tux rental-100.

    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
    don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
    conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase (I would have said five
    weeks actually) . You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit
    for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is 4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
    than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
    unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays
    its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
    one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
    look.

    You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
    concerning growing a moustache..

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
    minutes.

    No wonder men are happier.

  12. #2192
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Geekville
    Posts
    6,889
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    After such a beautiful summer we are now looking at long months of cold and winter, lets remember the summer and BBQ season
    Refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events is put
    into motion:

    Routine:
    1) The woman buys the food.
    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
    dessert.
    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
    with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
    who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
    Here comes the important part:
    4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
    More routine....
    5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
    6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
    thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
    the situation.
    Important again:
    7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
    More routine ..
    8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
    9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
    seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
    some women.

  13. #2193
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Beoverse
    Posts
    7,985
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    a bit of a rude one I'm afraid.. just came in by email.

    It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
    His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he
    owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers
    and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the
    shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

    The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
    "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you
    three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will
    grant me a small favour in return!"

    "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! ...Thankyou,
    thank you!"

    Father Christmas promises him that:

    1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
    sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your
    return,she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

    2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with
    your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will
    have any recollection of your sacking.

    3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
    credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

    "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for
    you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

    After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water, Father
    Christmas asks the man how old he is.

    "36" replies the man.

    "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
    you!?" chuckled the fat gay bloke in fancy dress!

  14. #2194
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Beoverse
    Posts
    7,985
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    again.. daft but made me giggle..
    Last edited by Beowulf; 7th-November-2007 at 11:18 PM.

  15. #2195
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Rugby
    Posts
    6,159
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    In Honour of Stupid People . . .
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

    On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...


    On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
    (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's just a suggestion.)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me time?)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (..I'm taking this because???....)


    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to what?)

    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) =

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: say what?)

    On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

  16. #2196
    Registered User Tessalicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Kentish Town
    Posts
    1,650
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella View Post
    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (..I'm taking this because???....)
    Not that I'm bitter, but shouldn't this one say "May not cause drowsiness, or any kind of sleep-related physical state - in fact, don't bother, just hit yourself over the head"
    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    Maybe they objected to their food processors being used in labs, which is the only "other use" I can think of that's clean...

  17. #2197
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    4,386
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
    The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
    Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

  18. #2198
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Rugby
    Posts
    6,159
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
    THE LEARNING CENTRE FOR ADULTS
    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY


    Monday, Dec . 30, 2006

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


    Class 1
    How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
    Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
    --- Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10: 00 PM for 2 hours.


    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
    at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
    And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

    Open Forum .
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing .
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses,
    diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

  19. #2199
    Registered User Katie Kicks Ass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Sunny Stoke!
    Posts
    317
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    Do they actually exist? Would be great if they did.

  20. #2200
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Reading
    Posts
    1,105
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella View Post
    In Honour of Stupid People . . .
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

    On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

    On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...


    On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
    (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be???....)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's just a suggestion.)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me time?)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (..I'm taking this because???....)


    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to what?)

    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) =

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: say what?)

    On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
    I bought a packet of Hazelnuts from Sainsbury's which contained the message "Warning, may contain nuts".

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes
    By stewart38 in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28th-April-2006, 03:22 PM
  2. Scottish Jokes
    By StevanHogg in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 19th-November-2005, 07:58 PM
  3. where has the Jokes thread gone??
    By under par in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 25th-October-2005, 12:37 AM
  4. Rofling at your own jokes...
    By MartinHarper in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24th-February-2005, 12:33 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •