Page 109 of 158 FirstFirst ... 95999105106107108109110111112113119 ... LastLast
Results 2,161 to 2,180 of 3145

Thread: Jokes

  1. #2161
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

    A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on
    the Richter scale hit North East Essex in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Colchester. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage.

    Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

    SGR FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Colchester. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my
    little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

    Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP?

    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

    Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
    Fila or Burberry baseball caps
    Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    Shell suits (female)
    White sport socks
    Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

    Required foodstuffs include:
    Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
    £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    ***Breaking news***
    Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Bergholt" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

  2. #2162
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

    A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on
    the Richter scale hit North East Essex in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Colchester. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage.

    Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

    SGR FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Colchester. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my
    little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

    Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

    HOW CAN YOU HELP?

    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

    Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
    Fila or Burberry baseball caps
    Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    Shell suits (female)
    White sport socks
    Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

    Required foodstuffs include:
    Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
    £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    ***Breaking news***
    Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Bergholt" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

    That joke is so last year...........I'm running out of ribs here, will you please stop with the funnies

  3. #2163
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    A man walking along a Southend beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Majorca so I can drive over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Sea! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

  4. #2164
    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Beoverse
    Posts
    7,985
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

    She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Australian Local Area Network: the LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

    There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
    different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did:


    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
    in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have
    your kayak and heat it, too.

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
    became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
    never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
    lesser of two weevils.


    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
    to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
    beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


    Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
    One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
    "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"


    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
    during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
    in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
    an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
    "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
    stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
    hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
    would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
    afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
    dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
    he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the
    bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink
    and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry,"
    replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


    A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
    eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
    a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
    pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
    the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.


    A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
    recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
    teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
    me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."


    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
    had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if
    you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


    ... I'll get my coat!

  5. #2165
    Taxi Dancer
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Glasgow
    Posts
    328
    Rep Power
    10

    A new approach for men!

    A new approach for men.......

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to
    the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
    home after we've been out at the pub; I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

    His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
    wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
    steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
    say,'WHO'S HORNY'? ......and she acts like she's sound asleep!!!!"

  6. #2166
    Taxi Dancer
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Glasgow
    Posts
    328
    Rep Power
    10

    The Man of the House

    The husband had just finished reading a new book, called "You can be the Man of your House."
    He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
    Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have all the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.....then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's all done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"....
    His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess...."

  7. #2167
    Registered User Baruch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Pontllanfraith
    Posts
    2,261
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse
    me Miss, day ye hiv any books on suicide?"
    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
    glasses, and says, "Feck off ye'll no bring it back!"

  8. #2168
    Registered User Baruch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Pontllanfraith
    Posts
    2,261
    Rep Power
    11

    Water Education

    It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each
    day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
    Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

    In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

    However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine beer or other liquors
    because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
    filtering and fermenting.

    WATER = Poo
    ALCOHOL = HEALTH

    Free yourself of Poo, drink ALCOHOL!!! It is better to drink wine and talk
    sh#t than to drink water and be full of sh#t.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as
    a public service.

  9. #2169
    Registered User littlewiggle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    East Midlands
    Posts
    574
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    A newlywed husband initiated sexual activiity with his bride every night by turning to her and asking if she "would like to do the laundry".
    One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first time, pleading a headache.

    In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husband's needs, she asks him if he "would like to do the laundry" to which he replies:

    "No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand"

  10. #2170
    Registered User littlewiggle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    East Midlands
    Posts
    574
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: Jokes

    HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MIND?
    I challenge you NOT to think dirty. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way.

    Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:


    What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?

    What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

    What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

    What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?

    Name five words that are each four letters long,end in "u-n-t" one of which is a word for a woman?

    What does a dog do that you can step into?

    What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with "k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

    What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

    What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

    What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
    scroll down for answers

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    Little more

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    Almost there! :-)

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    .

    .


    .


    .


    .

    ANSWERS:


    (talk)

    (legs)

    (a twenty pund note)

    (firetruck)

    (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)

    (pants)

    (fork)

    (Snickers)

    (grit)

    (last name)
    You people should be ashamed of yourself!

    I know what you were thinking!

  11. #2171
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Stamford Bridge
    Posts
    167
    Rep Power
    10

    Question Several questions...

    Hi guys! Look at the picture below. Could you explain to me why the woman is half-naked, why there is money in her hand, why there is a livid spot on her left knee and why she is weeping?

    I have several phantasmagorical ideas, but they are too indecent and crazy to post them here. What the hell has happened to her? Any ideas?

    (If the picture is too obscene, please delete it.)

    Thanks in advance!
    Attached Images Attached Images

  12. #2172
    Registered User Baruch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Pontllanfraith
    Posts
    2,261
    Rep Power
    11

    Primary School football: the rules of the game

    PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME

    General Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.

    In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

    This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

    The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).

    Parameters

    The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goal-mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.

    The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

    In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as a quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

    Tactics

    Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

    Stoppages

    Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless
    subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

    1. Ball on school roof or over school wall.
    The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "you can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".

    2. Bigger boys steal ball.
    A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kick-about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

    3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.
    More of a threat in the street or local green kick-about than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.

    Celebration

    Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by teammates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

    However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching *******" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from teammates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of thelatter three categories.

    Penalties

    At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a teammate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are b**ggered if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.

    Close Season

    This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.

  13. #2173
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    The five secrets to a perfect relationship


    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other!!

  14. #2174
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Geekville
    Posts
    6,889
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other!!
    No it really isn't. Maybe you're just a watt?

  15. #2175
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by WittyBird View Post
    No it really isn't. Maybe you're just a watt?
    At least 100 watt

  16. #2176
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    1,050
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Pairs Golf


    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
    her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
    underwear.

    "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
    demanded.

    "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

    The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
    of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
    also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary,
    woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

    She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

    He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20.
    Go and buy yourself some underwear!"


    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
    her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

    "Sweet mudder of Jaysus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

    She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
    any."

    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o of
    decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.

  17. #2177
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Q: What's a mixed feeling?
    A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car!

    Q: What's the height of conceit?
    A: Having an orgasm and calling your own name!

    Q: What's the definition of macho?
    A: Jogging home after your shouting out your own name!

    Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

    Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A: A man will actually search for a golf ball

    Q: What is a Yankee?
    A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone!

    Q: What is the difference between "oooooooh" and "aaaaaaaah"?
    A: About three inches!

    Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
    A: The grip!

    Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A: It's not hard!

    Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
    A: six inches in Medium, eight inches is rare!

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?
    A: The Swallow!

  18. #2178

  19. #2179
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: Jokes

    Public told to flee fire on donkey
    The BBC reports that Scotland’s fire services have had to recall hundreds of leaflets due to a translation error. The translators of the leaflet by the Scottish Executive for the eight fire and rescue services used the Urdu word for donkey instead of for cushion as the words are similar.
    As a result, the leaflet told the public to jump on a donkey when escaping from a burning house.
    Full article here.

  20. #2180
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    East Kilbride, Sco
    Posts
    903
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: Jokes

    Q: WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF OPTIMISM?

    A: An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Jokes
    By stewart38 in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28th-April-2006, 03:22 PM
  2. Scottish Jokes
    By StevanHogg in forum Fun and Games
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 19th-November-2005, 07:58 PM
  3. where has the Jokes thread gone??
    By under par in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 25th-October-2005, 12:37 AM
  4. Rofling at your own jokes...
    By MartinHarper in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 24th-February-2005, 12:33 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •