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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2141
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    Re: Jokes

    Andy Robinson went to the RFU ball dressed as a Pumpkin.

    He was hoping that he was going to turn into a coach at midnight.

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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    Why Men Have Better Friends

    Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what he was talking about.

    Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
    excellent.

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    Re: Jokes

    A WOMAN WAS VERY DISTRAUGHT OVER THE FACT THAT SHE HAD NOT HAD A DATE
    > OR, ANY SEX FOR OVER 5 YEARS. SHE WAS AFRAID SHE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING
    > WRONG WITH HER, SO SHE DECIDED TO SEEK THE MEDICAL EXPERTISE OF THE
    > WELL KNOWN CHINESE SEX THERAPIST, DR CHANG. > > > >
    >
    > UPON ENTERING THE EXAMINATION ROOM, DR CHANG SAID, "OK, TAKE OFF ALL
    > YOUR CROSE.'THE WOMEN DID AS SHE WAS TOLD. "NOW, GET DOWN AND CRAW
    > REERY, REERY FASS TO ODDERSIDE OF ROOM." AGAIN, THE WOMAN DID AS SHE
    > WAS INSTRUCTED. DR. CHANG THEN SAID, "OK", NOW CRAW REERY, REERY FASS
    > BACK TO ME." AS SHE DID, DR CHANG SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY, "YOUR
    PROBREM
    > VEWY BAD. YOU HAF ED ZACHARY DISEASE. WORSE CASE I EVER SEE. DAT WHY
    > YOU NOT HAF SEX OR DATES. "THE >WOMEN ASKED ANXIOUSLY, "OH MY GOD, DR
    > CHANG, WHAT IS ED ZACHARY DISEASE?"
    > DR CHANG SIGHED DEEPLY AND REPLIED, "ED ZACHARY DISEASE IS WHEN
    > YOUR FACE LOOK ED ZACHARY LIKE YOUR ASS.
    >
    >

    enjoy.... xx

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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by trouble View Post
    A WOMAN WAS VERY DISTRAUGHT OVER THE FACT THAT SHE HAD NOT HAD A DATE
    > OR, ANY SEX FOR OVER 5 YEARS. SHE WAS AFRAID SHE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING
    > WRONG WITH HER, SO SHE DECIDED TO SEEK THE MEDICAL EXPERTISE OF THE
    > WELL KNOWN CHINESE SEX THERAPIST, DR CHANG. > > > >
    >
    > UPON ENTERING THE EXAMINATION ROOM, DR CHANG SAID, "OK, TAKE OFF ALL
    > YOUR CROSE.'THE WOMEN DID AS SHE WAS TOLD. "NOW, GET DOWN AND CRAW
    > REERY, REERY FASS TO ODDERSIDE OF ROOM." AGAIN, THE WOMAN DID AS SHE
    > WAS INSTRUCTED. DR. CHANG THEN SAID, "OK", NOW CRAW REERY, REERY FASS
    > BACK TO ME." AS SHE DID, DR CHANG SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY, "YOUR
    PROBREM
    > VEWY BAD. YOU HAF ED ZACHARY DISEASE. WORSE CASE I EVER SEE. DAT WHY
    > YOU NOT HAF SEX OR DATES. "THE >WOMEN ASKED ANXIOUSLY, "OH MY GOD, DR
    > CHANG, WHAT IS ED ZACHARY DISEASE?"
    > DR CHANG SIGHED DEEPLY AND REPLIED, "ED ZACHARY DISEASE IS WHEN
    > YOUR FACE LOOK ED ZACHARY LIKE YOUR ASS.
    >
    >

    enjoy.... xx
    Love it....keep um coming.

  5. #2145
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    Re: Jokes

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.


    they are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,when all of a sudden....


    "hey pepe,do you smell what i smell, Ees Bacon, I is sure of Eet".


    "Si Luis ,Eet smells like bacon to me".


    So , with renewed strength,they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there in the distance , is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


    There's a raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon , back back,double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!


    "Pepe,pepe , we ees saved. ees a bacon tree"


    "Luis,are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, dont forget"


    "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon..ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree"


    And with that...Luis races towards the tree.he gets to within 5 metres,Pepe following closely behind,when all of a sudden,a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,


    true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


    "Pepe...go back , you were right, ees not a bacon tree"


    Luis,Luis mi amigo...what is it?"


    "pepe..ees not a bacon tree....

    ......









    ......














    ees...


    eees

    ees,a ham bush!!

    made me laugh.....

  6. #2146
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    Re: Jokes

    Murphy calls to see his mate Pat who is off work with a broken leg. Pat says " I'm glad you've called over mate, my feet are freezin' could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?", "No bother", Murphy says and runs upstairs, where he sees Pat's stunning 21 year old twin sisters. "Hello there girls", Pat says, " your dad sent me up here to shag you both" "F*** off, you liar" they say, "I'll prove it" says Murphy and shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Pat", "Of course" Pat shouts up,

    "what's the use of *uckin' one !!

  7. #2147
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    Re: Jokes

    I know this is an old one but it is quite good and well worth a read..

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful Dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home............. including the curtain rods.


    I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. Steve Martin, LA Story

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    Re: Jokes

    Some really bad jokes for you all to enjoy...


    So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
    went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
    in my hand."

    You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

    I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
    Before End'

    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
    said "No, just a watch."

    So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
    said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
    is."

    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
    "You've got cholera."

    So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
    name, it's P something T something R.

    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
    it down.

    I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
    on.

    My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
    wouldn't do it if you paid me."

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
    paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

    So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
    "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

    So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
    on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

    I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
    been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
    splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
    or Thursdays."
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. Steve Martin, LA Story

  9. #2149
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

    Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
    The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

    After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

    In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

    For a video to see how beer works click on this Beer Demonstration

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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by WittyBird View Post
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

    Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
    The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

    After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

    In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

    For a video to see how beer works click on this Beer Demonstration

    Oi witty....that scam has been working for me for 20 years.

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    Re: Jokes

    A Riddle

    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

    Michael J. Fox has a small one.

    Madonna doesn't have one.

    The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

    Clinton uses his all the time.

    Bush is one

    Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

    Liberace never used his on women.

    Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

    Cher claims that she took on 3.

    We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

    What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )












    The answer is: "A Last Name."

    Why did you think I was sending a dirty Joke, have I ever done that ?

  12. #2152
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by WittyBird View Post
    For a video to see how beer works click on this Beer Demonstration
    I thought I'd pop briefly out of forum retirement once again to comment on the photo shown at the beginning of this. I've probably posted on the wrong thread, since hopefully it won't make anyone laugh.

    I first saw this photo quite a few years ago - I can't remember how I came across it, but it haunted me for quite a long time.

    It's the 8th one (reversed left to right) in the sequence of arrest photographs here

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    Re: Jokes

    During her Monday morning maths class Ms. Smith posses this question
    "There are three blackbirds in a field. If farmer Giles comes out and
    shoots one of the blackbirds how, how many will be left?"
    The class sit there pondering the question when little Johnny puts his
    hand up and shouts "Miss Miss, Miss Miss!"
    Ms. Smith sees how eager Johnny is to answer the question and replies
    "Yes Johnny?"
    Little Johnny accepts his opportunity to shine "If farmer Giles shoots
    one of the blackbirds Miss, there will be no blackbirds left because the
    other two will fly away."
    "I'm sorry Johnny you are wrong, there will be two blackbirds left"
    replies Ms. Smith "but I like your way of thinking" she says.

    Little Johnny isn't happy that he got it wrong and has a think to see if
    he can redeem himself. A few minutes later Johnny fires his hand up in
    the air again " oo oo, Miss Miss!" he shouts.
    "Yes Johnny, what is it?"
    "I've got one for you Miss" he says.
    Against her better judgement Ms. Smith lets Johnny ask his question.
    "There are three women in a park Miss. Each one has an ice lolly. One is
    licking the ice lolly, one is sucking the ice lolly and one is stroking
    the ice lolly. Which one is the married woman Miss?"
    Ms. Smith has a think for a minute, then says to Johnny "I think I know
    the answer."
    "Ok Miss, go for it."
    "Alright Johnny, it's the one sucking the ice lolly" she answers.
    "No Miss, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like YOUR way of
    thinking!"

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    Re: Jokes

    Washing machine joke

    A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
    "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.

    "Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to
    do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each
    other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing
    machine door open' instead?

    So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the
    washing machine door open, did you?"

    "No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell
    asleep.

    When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and
    she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
    machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

    "No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by
    hand."






    30 Harsh things to say to a naked man



    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
    3. Why don't we just cuddle?
    4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    5. Make it dance.
    6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
    7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
    9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    10. Oh no... a flash headache.
    11. (giggle and point)
    12. Can I be honest with you?
    13. How sweet, you brought incense.
    14. This explains your car.
    15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    16. Why is God punishing me?
    17. At least this won't take long.
    18. I never saw one like that before.
    19. But it still works, right?
    20. It looks so unused.
    21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    23. Are you cold?
    24. If you get me real drunk first.
    25. Is that an optical illusion?
    26. What is that?
    27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    28. Does it come with an air pump?
    29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    30. I guess this makes me the early bird.



    Lovers and Liars
    A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's
    best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
    laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks
    up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing
    he side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello?
    Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?
    That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!
    Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
    "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all
    about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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    Re: Jokes

    Little Susie was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
    Slept through the class.

    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
    "Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?"

    When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair
    behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the bum.

    "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Susie and the teacher said, "Very good" and Susie fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"

    But, Susie didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
    Came to the rescue and stuck her again.

    "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Susie and the teacher said, "Very good,"
    and Susie fell back asleep.

    Then the teacher asked Susie a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to their twenty-third child?"

    And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

    "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

    The Teacher fainted.....

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    Re: Jokes

    Hi DT. We met at ealing i think. had a lot of dances with you and your sister. If you've still got my number, let me know when your next at cheshunt.

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    Re: Jokes

    Given my Lupine / Lycanthropic tendancies I found this amusing.. I had to edit it slightly in Corel to ensure I didn't get the thread sent upstairs


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    Re: Jokes

    In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
    It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
    The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

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    Re: Jokes

    A grandchild's guide to using grandpa's computer - Dr. Zeuss

    Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
    Bits in bytes on chips in box.
    Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
    Chips in box on ether-docks.

    Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
    Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.

    Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
    Let’s do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
    Let’s do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

    First, I’ll make a quick trick bit stack.
    Then I’ll make a quick trick byte stack.
    You can make a quick trick chip stack.
    You can make a quick trick clock stack.

    And here’s a new trick on the scene.
    Bits in bytes for your machine.
    Bytes in words to fill your screen.

    Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
    Try to say this by the clock, sir.

    Clocks on chips tick.
    Clocks on chips tock.
    Eight byte bits tick.
    Eight bit bytes tock.
    Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
    Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

    Here’s an easy game to play.
    Here’s an easy thing to say....

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
    then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gunna crash.

    You can’t say this?
    What a shame, sir!
    We’ll find you
    another game, sir.

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house
    says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
    that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
    and your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gauss,
    so your icons in the window areas wavy as a souse,
    then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gunna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
    and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
    then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
    quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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    Re: Jokes

    Man in for his annual checkup at the doctor's surgery. He is asked to strip down to his pants. After he does so, the doctor looks concerned.
    "Are those Russian pants?", he asks.
    "Yes", says the man.
    "Hmm. I really don't think you should wear Russian pants."
    "Why not?"
    "Chernobyl fallout."


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