Jokes

[azande]

put your volumn up or headphones on so u can hear something.
Also you need to get near to the screen to see anything.

And if you are easily scared don't look!

[Double Trouble]

Two sisters having coffee & one says to the other "Those flowers are lovely, I wish my husband would send me some lovely flowers like that"

The first sister frowns and say's "problem is, I will have to be on my back with my legs open for the rest of the week now"

Second sister says "What?...No vase?"

Shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, I know.

[Double Trouble]

OK...you'll like this one....I'll do the short version.

coach full of nuns die in an accident.

All lined up at the gates & St Peter is standing there with some holy water.

He says "if any of you ladies have touched a mans willy, you must cleanse before you enter"

The first nun says "I must wash my hands, as I touched one once" So she does and is allowed in

Just then...a nun at the back pushes through to the front of the line and says "I'm next....I need to wash my mouth out before sister Mary sticks her arse in that water"

I know...I just can't help it.

[Gav]

The old ones are the ermmm... old ones!

Kids, don't ya just love to let them express their creativity?

[Double Trouble]

The old ones are the ermmm... old ones!

Kids, don't ya just love to let them express their creativity?

OH MY GOD....is that your house?

If I was your sister (thank god I'm not ) I would be calling your kids little shits

[Gav]

OH MY GOD....is that your house?

If I was your sister (thank god I'm not ) I would be calling your kids little shits

Fortunately not. I'd not be stupid enough to leave 2 young kids unattended with a pot of paint!

"thank god I'm not" - didn't realise I was that bad

[Double Trouble]

"thank god I'm not" - didn't realise I was that bad [/QUOTE]

That's not why I said it

Anyway...stop Hijacking the thread you........It's not you that gets the neg rep

[senorita]

* Relationships:

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break–up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:

Women prefer 30–40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30–40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17– year old females can function as adults.

Most 17–year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom –– a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10–items–or–less lane.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let’s not talk about how many days he’ll wear the same socks.

Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. (haha I love that line!)


Low blows:

Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."

The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about fifteen years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U–Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re–runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:

When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. (I love that haha)

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction –– he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, power tools, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 batteries to operate.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about two things in the locker room –– sex and men. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it (not including piercings). Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:

When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:

Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.

Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

[Trouble]

The old ones are the ermmm... old ones!

Kids, don't ya just love to let them express their creativity?

VERY SIMILAR TO A PICTURE I HAVE OF ME AND MY SISTER LAST TIME SHE SNEEZED.

[Double Trouble]

VERY SIMILAR TO A PICTURE I HAVE OF ME AND MY SISTER LAST TIME SHE SNEEZED.

Sister for sale. One careful owner...bit rusty....handles curves very well.

[Trouble]

Sister for sale. One careful owner...bit rusty....handles curves very well.

THIS TIME TOMMOROW,, ON OUR WAY TO CAMBA, DONT FORGET THE TENA LADY XXXXX

[philsmove]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive." "Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had
a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we
can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you
must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!". "Okay," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back
on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must
confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's okay. My name
is Kevin and I'm headed to a Halloween party."

[David Bailey]

Going to bed last night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no-one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute laster I rang again. "Hello" I said. "I rang you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half-a-dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied "I though you said there was no-one available."

[Double Trouble]

Going to bed last night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no-one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute laster I rang again. "Hello" I said. "I rang you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half-a-dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said "I thought you said you'd shot them."

To which I replied "I though you said there was no-one available."

I'd shoot them anyway....brightens up any November evening, shooting the odd pikey or two.

[Gav]

I'd shoot them anyway....brightens up any November evening, shooting the odd pikey or two.

I prefer shooting chavs myself, much more entertaining.

[Double Trouble]

I prefer shooting chavs myself, much more entertaining.

Are you suggesting you would like to commit suicide?

[Gentabout]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,
however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its
knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida
if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off
to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.
Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You
Are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

[Crazy Russian]

After reading this, the Russian President Vladimir Putin requested of me to inform the British about how he sees the world.

[Stuart]

Noah is standing outside the ark checking the animals in 2 by 2.

"2 chickens, yum, lovely roast chickens"
"2 sheep, yum, yum, lovely lamb chops, delicious"
"2 pigs, aaah, succulent roast pork, I love it"

Noah's wife turns to one of the sons.
"There's Noah counting for taste"

[Double Trouble]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.