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Reply With QuoteHello everyone, my name's Wealthy Smurf (news to me!)
Glad to make your aquaintance, from Sexy Smurf.Originally Posted by CentrAlex
Honest!
Hello everyone, my name's Wealthy Smurf (news to me!
The Newlyweds
A young couple got married and they've never made love before.
On their wedding night, the new bride is understandably quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. However, when he takes off his trousers, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.
So his wife says, "What happened to your knees?"
The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."
"Oh..."
He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio."
"Oh...right..."
He finally removes his underwear, and stands before her. She looks at him and says,
"Don't tell me. Smallcox, right?"
Subject : Men should always concentrate!
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F**k
Prime Minister Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'"
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."
Please read below:
Company Policy: Effective from January 2007
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story
A priest is very fond of his rooster and hens...
His rooster goes missing.
Next day in church he asks everybody...
''Has anybody got a ****?''. All the men stand up..
''No, I mean has anybody seen a ****''. All the women stand up..
''No, I mean, has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?''
Half the women stand up....
''NO'', he says angrily - ''has anyone seen MY ****?''
All the choir boys stand up..........
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head
that said:
Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet.
Dozens of people have been found, stuck to the walls and ceiling of a pub in Dublin
Security forces suspect that Irish muslims have detonated the first " no more nails" bomb...
Took me a minute, but then.
I'm worried about my gran at home in her flat alone. If she falls.....
Will she make a noise?
A Mother Superior and three Nuns die one night and are received simultaneously at the gate to heaven by St Peter who explains, that to enter heaven, each of them must correctly answer a question that he will ask.
Turning to one of the Nuns, he says “Name the first woman”
“Eve” came the reply
“You may enter” said St Peter
Turning to the other Nun he asked “Where did Eve live?”
“The Garden of Eden” came the reply
“You may enter” said St Peter
Turning to the Mother Superior, St peter said “Now, I hope you will understand that because of your seniority, I shall have to ask you a slightly more difficult question.
So, what did Eve say when she first saw Adam?”
“My, my, that is a hard one...”
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"..He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup......
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........ As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again..."
Found this joke in a spam email I got today...
A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as Preznit Dubya appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Dick Cheney appeared on the television. "He's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. Climbing back up to the bar, the man said: "Damn! This must be Bush Country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "It's Horse Country."
Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for example:
1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tyres -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
4. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
5. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.
7. Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.
10. Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
put your volumn up or headphones on so u can hear something.
Also you need to get near to the screen to see anything.
Onions & Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son,
there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.
Mermaids
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools
away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a
thimble. The first man said "please excuse me for staring, but I can't help
but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so
small?" The man said "buy me a drink and I"ll tell you." The drink was
ordered and the story began. "I was in the Navy and my ship was sunk by a
torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted
island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting
on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have
something to eat; looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby
rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and
could grant me three wishes. Great, I said. I'd like to be rescued. She
slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my
island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail
and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it just wouldn't
work, her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head
then?
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