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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2061
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Mostlysane View Post
    16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
    luv it, never thought my boss would be famous.

  2. #2062
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    Re: Jokes

    Sucroscillation (n), the little shake that people give a packet of sugar or artificial sweetener to settle the contents before they rip it open.

    Deja View (n), repeats on television

    Trappease (n), the official name for questions like "Does this make my bum look fat"

    Platomasochism (n), touching the plate after the waiter told you it was hot

    Premaidication (n), tidying up before the cleaner arrives

    Petois (n), the silly language people use when talking to their pets

    Redicence (n), the reluctance of tomato ketchup to emerge from the bottle

    Fibrato (n), the insincere tone you get on support when the user is being polite

    Bumpursuit (v), following someone walking through a car park in the hope you can take their space

    Deariliction (n), forgetting your wedding anniversary

    Oughta-culture (n), buying things in a garden shop, but never planting them

    Gimmeanor (n), the behavour of people in the service industry looking for a tip.

    Surrenderhippity (n), the change of behaviour going from being a teenager to a parent of teenagers

    Deniet(n), being obese, but claiming it has nothing to do with just eating too much

    Asunderstudy (n), the new spouse of your former spouse

    Photigue (n), the way parents never take as many photos of their second child compared to the first

    Tumfoolery (n), the male reflex of sucking your stomach in and sticking your chest out when introduced to a good looking woman

    Carkisses (n), the marks on pillars in multi-story car parks

    Photoyearnalism (n), selecting the photos of yourself that make you look better than you are

    Midam (adj), too old to be a "Miss", too young to be a "Ma'am"

    Detroitus (adj), what is left after an American car falls apart

    Winny (n), the noise made by someone who has just won a phone-in competition on the radio

    Reelmorse (n), the regret you feel when you realise you were taken in by the hype of the film critics

    Exiquette (n), the polite way of avoiding your boss at the company Christmas party

    Demurrency (n), bank notes that have been rejected by a vending machine

  3. #2063
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    Re: Jokes

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly
    speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
    pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
    get nervous, I take a sip."

    So the following Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

    At the beginning of the sermon, he became nervous and took a drink. He
    proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
    note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
    Junior and the spook.

    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
    say he was stoned off his ass.

    10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this
    and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, " Eat me" .

    12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
    the grub, Yeah God.

    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not
    a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

  4. #2064
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    Re: Jokes

    Why Did the Chicken cross the Road in Iraq?

    Coalition Provisional Authority:

    The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

    Halliburton:

    We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

    Muqtada al-Sadr:

    The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

    US Army Military Police:

    We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

    Peshmerga:

    The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

    1st Cav:

    The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately
    detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

    Al Jazeera:

    The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

    Blackwater:

    We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

    Translators:

    Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

    U.S. Marine Corps:

    The chicken is dead

  5. #2065
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Taken from Samuel Stoddard's site, in the "classified ads" collection:
    • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
    • 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave.
    • Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
    • Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
    • Carpal Tunnel Syndrome – Free Sample!
    • Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
    • Mother’s helper – peasant working conditions.
    • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
    • We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country.
    • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
    • Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
    • Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes.
    • Man, honest. Will take anything.
    • Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
    • Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
    • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

  6. #2066
    Registered User Baruch's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.


    No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.



    But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single - just let it go."


    But invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


    Whispering......






    "Dave........







    "Dave........











    "........you're a vet!"

  7. #2067
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    my emotional needs

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

    much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I

    have never figured out why men think with their head and women with

    their heart.


    For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting

    into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says

    "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me

    For who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're

    Just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to

    Satisfy your physical needs as a man."


    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

    With her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,

    big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

    several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one

    to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes

    To compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each

    outfit.

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of

    diamond earrings.


    Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one

    wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me

    because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how

    to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She

    was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is

    all dear, Let's go to the cashier".



    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

    feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

    "WHAT???!!!"



    I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a

    while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

    Enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,

    "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy

    you?"


    Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

  8. #2068
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at

    the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

    "Magic Beer," he says


    She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after

    realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the

    man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"!


    "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the

    window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the

    window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."


    He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the

    building three times, and comes back in the window.


    She is so amazed that she says she wants a Mag! ic Beer , So the guy says

    to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."


    She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,

    plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.


    The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're

    a real asshole when you're drunk

  9. #2069
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    Re: Jokes

    The Alternative Lord's Prayer

    My Vibro,
    Which brings me heaven.
    Rabbit be thy name.
    Til kingdom come,
    Thy makest me cum,
    On earth with eyes on heaven.
    Give me this day my daily thrill,
    And forgive me my screams,
    As I forgive flat batteries.
    Lead me not into temptation,
    But deliver me from frustration.
    For thine is the rotation,
    The power and the buzzing.
    For ever and ever, no men!

  10. #2070
    Donna
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    The Alternative Lord's Prayer

    My Vibro,
    Which brings me heaven.
    Rabbit be thy name.
    Til kingdom come,
    Thy makest me cum,
    On earth with eyes on heaven.
    Give me this day my daily thrill,
    And forgive me my screams,
    As I forgive flat batteries.
    Lead me not into temptation,
    But deliver me from frustration.
    For thine is the rotation,
    The power and the buzzing.
    For ever and ever, no men!
    have some rep! omg I'm crying!

  11. #2071
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Subject: High Urinals

    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
    went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
    about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
    mostly to see the horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
    that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
    other.

    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
    when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
    the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
    and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
    "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted
    one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

    Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be
    in the 5th grade."

    "No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
    seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

  12. #2072
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A MOMENT WITHOUT LOVE.... IS A WASTED MOMENT!

    New To This Country

    >>>> >A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
    >>>> >Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
    >>>> >well, until one day, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
    >>>> >him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

    >>>> >The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
    >>>> >circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
    >>>> >Have you any grounds?
    >>>> >Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
    >>>> >No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
    >>>> >It made of concrete.
    >>>> >I don't think you understand.
    >>>> >Does either of you have a real grudge?
    >>>> >No, we have carport, and not need one.
    >>>> >I mean, what are your relations like?
    >>>> >All my relations still inPoland.
    >>>> >Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
    >>>> >We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
    >>>> >Does your wife beat you up?
    >>>> >No, I always up before her.
    >>>> >Is your wife a nagger?
    >>>> >No, she white.
    >>>> >Why do you want this divorce?
    >>>> >She going to kill me.
    >>>> >What makes you think that?
    >>>> >I got proof.
    >>>> >What kind of proof?
    >>>> >She going to poison me....

    >>>> >She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
    >>>> >I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

  13. #2073
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Last edited by senorita; 11th-October-2006 at 08:56 PM.

  14. #2074
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    Re: Jokes

    I went into the supermarket the other day and noticed a stunning, blond haired, blued-eyed woman in the produce section waving at me.

    I walk towards her, taken aback, because I can't place from where I know her. So I ask, "Do you know me?"

    She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Oh ****! Now my mind travels back to the only time I've ever been unfaithful to my wife. And we dated for many years before we got married.

    I said, "Oh my God!!! Are you the young stripper from my bachelor party whose toes I sucked and ass I licked before doing it with you on the pool table while your partner whipped my butt with a cat-o-nine tails in front of all my buddies???"

    She looked into my eyes quizzically, and softly said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

  15. #2075
    Registered User Blueshoes's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    I used to be into masochism, necrophilia and bestiality until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse....

  16. #2076
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said:"We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub."
    The visitor said:" Oh, i see, a normal person would choose the bucket,
    because it's the biggest"
    The director said "No, a normal person would pull the
    F**king plug out. Now...Would you like a bed near the window?

  17. #2077
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    Re: Jokes

    Toaster meets Software developer

    Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
    One advisor, an Electrical Engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
    The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
    The advisor: "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast.
    Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

    The second advisor, a software developer, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
    "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem.

    First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."

    "The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes.
    Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

    "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements.
    Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

    "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it,and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

    "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 48MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap."

    The king wisely had the software developer beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.

  18. #2078
    Ceroc Teacher CentrAlex's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes



    This had me in histerics...in fact...I am still laughing

  19. #2079
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by CentrAlex View Post


    This had me in histerics...in fact...I am still laughing
    OUCH!!

  20. #2080
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Out-of-office replies

    --Use the appropriate one next time you are away......

    1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

    2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

    3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

    4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.***

    (***The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-doh-viduals did this over and over).

    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

    8. I've run away to join a different circus.

    9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Pauline' instead of 'Paul".

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