Jokes

[timbp]

17 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

OK Alice, I give up.

Please, please, please tell me what is the 17th way?

[timbp]

near Baghdad we stopped before a red signal light. Traffic lights of these savages seemed to have broken down. And we stood at the intersection till the very evening

At last I know why Australians had to join the invasion -- Sydney drivers never stop at red traffic lights.

[Gav]

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

[Gav]

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left behind by those who got there first.

[Gav]

Heard in an American court, allegedly!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Stuart]

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test.

If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the Principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[Alice]

OK Alice, I give up.

Please, please, please tell me what is the 17th way?

17. Email this to all of your friends (sorry forgot to change the number in the title when I deleted that part as obsolete)

[straycat]

A comedian asked her boyfriend for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.

[Gav]

Groan.

That was soooo bad it's good.

[Gav]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[Cruella]

WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA

The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.

[Msfab]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........... ate the cookies............... drank the milk.............. sh*t on the paper.................... screwed the other three cats..................... claimed he injured his back while doing so.................. filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions......... put in for Workers Compensation............... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

[Trousers]

I had this blind date once, her name was :. .:. : ... .::

[Gav]

A dog goes onto a building site and says: "I'd like a job please".
The site manager says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plasterer?".

[straycat]

How do you make a duck play jazz?
Put it in the oven 'till its bill withers.

[WittyBird]

NEW DIET
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike Running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his Way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10Lb.

As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;
but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze,
so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I
catch you, you're mine..."

[Beowulf]

Road signs

[under par]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house,
and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"
His wife replied,
"The f#@*$&g funeral director would be my guess."

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load

of seniors down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,

which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.


When she is about to hand him another batch again

he asks the little old lady,

"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."


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A man takes his wife to the Agricultural Show . They start walking amongst the cattle section . They come to the first bull and the sign on his pen states : ” This bull mated 50 times last year . “ The wife turns to husband and says , “ He mated 50 times in a year , you can learn from him ! “ They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated : “ This bull mated 65 times last year .” The wife turns to her husband and says , “ This one mated 65 times last year . That is over 5 times a month . You can learn from this one also . “ They proceeded to the last bull and his sign stated : “ This bull mated 365 times last year . “
The wife’s mouth drops open and she says , “ Wow ! He mated 365 times last year . That is ONCE A DAY ! ! ! You could really learn from this fellow . “ The husband turns to his wife and says , “ Go and ask the owner if it was with the same cow .

[WittyBird]

This is why the Ice Cream man got Fired!

[Mostlysane]

For all language lovers:




Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's, like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.