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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2021
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    At dawn, the telephone rings

    "Hello, Mr Williams? This is David, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, young Arscott. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Sir that your parrot died."

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking
    competition?"

    "Yes Sir.....that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
    die from?"

    "From eating rotten meat, Sir."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Sir, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"
    "Dead horse? What dead horse?!"

    "The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Mr Williams. He died from a
    heart attack pulling the big water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Sir!"

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, Arscott?"

    "The one at your house, Sir! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
    fire."

    "What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the
    candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Sir."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

    "Your wife's, Sir...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought

    she was a thief.. So I hit her
    with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

    A long pause of complete silence...

    "Arscott - if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!

  2. #2022
    Commercial Operator onkar's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Jokes

    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's Nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and Pray.

    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday Night bath had gone.

    "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
    "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

    "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs Where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

    "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
    Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key To heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
    "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
    "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

    "That wicked old b@stard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."





    Onkar

  3. #2023
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:
    "David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
    To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
    So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
    Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
    Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses.
    "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
    "No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it
    again."
    *****
    The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
    "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
    "Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
    *****
    David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store.
    "What's that?" he asks.
    "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
    "What does it do?" asks Becks.
    The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
    Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
    "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
    The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
    "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
    "And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
    "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
    ********
    Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
    The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
    "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
    So she takes the car home and tries it.
    David spots her from the house and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"
    *******
    David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.

    Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
    He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
    "Is that good?" asks Posh.
    "You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
    ******
    David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding.
    Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control.
    He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
    With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground.
    His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.
    Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending.
    Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.
    ******
    Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
    The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed.
    Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
    About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling
    happily.
    "What happened?" asked Posh.
    "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
    The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

  4. #2024
    Registered User DianaS's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A New York lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

    In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

    NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

  5. #2025
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    FOR I AM A PRINCESS...
    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so, I outrank you.
    Tray-up, Bitch."

  6. #2026
    Commercial Operator onkar's Avatar
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    Smile Re: Jokes

    This is one of my favorite jokes. It isn't true, but still very funny.

    The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University Student Chemistry mid-term.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”


    Onkar

  7. #2027
    Registered User Alice's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    17 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    1. At Lunch, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hairdryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "in"
    5. When Trying On Clothes In A Dressing Room, Yell Out "there Is No Toilet Paper In Here"
    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "for Sexual Favors"
    7. Finish All Your Sentences With "in Accordance With The Prophecy"
    8. Dont Use Punctuation
    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
    10. Specify That Your Drive-thru Order Is "to Go"
    11. Sing Along At The Opera
    12. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
    13. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
    14. When The Money Comes Out The Atm, Scream "i Won I Won!"
    15. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "run For Your Lives They're Loose!"
    16. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "due To The Economy, We Are Going To Let One Of You Go."


    I've seen this one before, but it's still funny

  8. #2028
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
    So he tied her up and went golfing.
    **************************************************
    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
    **************************************************
    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
    **************************************************
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
    "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
    to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
    Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
    You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
    THE SALT!"
    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
    You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
    **************************************************
    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
    drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
    issued him a comb.
    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
    That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

  9. #2029
    An Eclectic Toaster
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by DianaS View Post
    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
    Snopes has this one down as Urban Myth.

    Ah, snopes, the great destroyer of illusions... still a funny story though.

  10. #2030
    The Gobby one! WittyBird's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes



  11. #2031
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    Misha Zadornov Yeah!

    The diary of an American soldier.

    (E-mails from the front.)


    E-mail N1.

    Hi, honey. Today is a holiday for us. We are going to Iraq! It is so remote from our military base. Guys say that Iraq is even much farther than Mexico. Our headquarters declared that the war would be very hard. Our sergeant major asserts that Iraq is located in the South of Africa. But our colonel, who had been a geography teacher in a college, said that the sergeant was a pothead and that Iraq was located in the South of India, not in the South of Africa.

    In the morning, our president sent us an SMS. He explained that the Iraqis didn’t want to share oil with America, and that it did mean that they are against democracy. Now the main purpose of America is bringing democracy to the Iraqis, as we – the American people – are the sole vehicles of democracy in the world. The colonel said that our president was very brave man as he had had the courage to wage a war on the country that was just ten times less than the USA.

    We all are completely confident of the near victory, as we have the president’s blessing and the most modern weapons: antipersonnel Pampers and plastic explosive flavored with strawberry. However, we will not understand just one thing: what is the proper name of the country – Iran or Iraq?

    One more happy news. Soon you will watch me on TV very often. There will be live broadcasting our battles between serial “Dying from toothpick” and talk-show “Influence of magnetic storms upon male Californian turtles’ cellulitis”. I promise to wave my hand to you in every action.

    Don’t worry about me. I have a sunblock.


    E-mail N2.

    Hi, honey! We have just arrived in Iraq. It is very hot here indeed. To all appearances, it is not India. The local inhabitants don’t look like Indians. But the colonel has obtained more specific information concerning the name of the country. He said that it was more accurate to call it Iraq. As to Iran, it is, obviously, such a radioactive agent called Iran-238.

    The sergeant heard over the radio that the operations would start tomorrow. He said that the English, Spaniards and Poles would take part in the operations as well. But he didn’t say on which side.

    Surely, the headquarters put a scare into us having said that there would be inhuman hardships: no air-conditioners in blinds, no showers in trenches… but we – the Americans – are heroes! We will endure anything! Even shortage of iced Coca-Cola during the battle.

    In the evening, to the sounds of music and merry screams there came camouflaged carts hitched to oxen. That was a Ukrainian chemical warfare unit. Their camouflage looks great against the desert’s background. They all have green regimentals, fir branches on their heads (officers have birch stubs instead of branches) for us to easily recognize them during bombardments.

    Then there came some Estonians, Lithuanians and Letts. The sergeant asserts that they are so-called tribes from American reservations. However, they are very kind. They brought humanitarian aid: the Estonians brought two vans with baby food, the Lithuanians – four vans with children's clothes, the Letts – 200 vans with courses of the Lettish language.

    But the most important thing was that a group of lawyers was attached to our platoon. So don’t worry. If I receive even a light wound, the Iraqis will be forced to pay through the nose for that.


    E-mail N3.

    Today we have taken emplacements for the first time. The Iraqis proved to be real savages! They don’t understand that we occupy their villages legitimately - by the approbation of the US Senate. The day before yesterday they perfidiously fired on our helicopter peacefully bombing their cities.

    The headquarters warned us against yielding ourselves prisoners. The Iraqi military torture the American soldiers cruelly: they take away our popcorn, our DVD-players, prohibit from putting our legs on their tables and using thread for cleaning interdental space.

    But we feel ourselves heroes. The whole world is said to already comment on the war in Iraq. Britney Spears learns the Iraqi language. Madonna grew a beard and wrote a book ‘Allowing Hussein the last favor.’

    But the most terrible thing was that they gave us Ukrainian gas-masks! They reek of lard and garlic so strongly that we decided that it would be much better to breathe mustard gas and sarin!

    Say to our son that his father will necessarily return alive (if he doesn’t die of using a Ukrainian gas-mask).


    E-mail N4.

    From day to day, we have increasingly had a hard time of it. The whole month we have judged from the smell of garlic where the Ukrainian chemical warfare unit is located. Once, when the wind blew from their side, a fit of so maddening dizziness came over our sergeant that he fell from the tank. A nurse provided medical care for him, but he brought an action against her because of the interference.

    The Iraqis are so crazy savages! They don’t know that we are the most powerful nation in the world and keep on attacking us all the time. Our the most modern laser-positron devices for disadjusting their sights are inoperative ‘cause these savages don’t even have sights.

    Last week we were sent super new helicopters. They fly so closely to the earth that no anti-aircraft defence can detect them. And, you know, the day before yesterday some Iraqi peasant brought down a helicopter with his hoe, as the helicopter hampered him in farming his lands. The Pentagon brought an action against him, as he had used the weapon unsanctioned by the UNO. The Senate has already given to our president 5 billion dollars to equip the helicopters with anti-hoe and anti-spade shields, as the anti-dustpan one is already out-of-date.


    E-mail N5.

    Today is the most terrible day: we’ve lost mobile popcorn-maker and field MacDonald’s somewhere! Our tank attack was suspended, as near Baghdad we stopped before a red signal light. Traffic lights of these savages seemed to have broken down. And we stood at the intersection till the very evening. The sergeant asserts that if the Iraqis didn’t exist, we would conquer Iraq very long time ago.

    Journalists want us – on invading Baghdad – to drop lots of napalm bombs on it for them to have a lot of light for making their TV reports. Of course, we are prohibited to bomb the Northern Iraq ‘cause Hollywood shoots there erotic thriller about capturing Hussein – “Sex with Hussein and the city”. Primarily it was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Macalay Kalkin who intended playing the role of Hussein. But the fee was so high that Saddam Hussein decided to act in the film himself.

    Having despairingly realized that the war can be over at any moment and I will not become a TV star, I began to wave both my hands to you. Fortunately, the journalists noticed me and then made a TV report about us called “The Americans yield themselves prisoners after the battle of Baghdad”. Hurray! Finally, I’ve become a TV star!


    E-mail N6.

    We are almost in Baghdad! On our way to it, we’ve found lots of dead trees with twisted leaves, lots of dead birds, insects and moles with their eyes bugged with horror. It means that the Ukrainian chemical warfare unit passed here. It was they who helped us. Not having endured the smell of onion, the Iraqi soldiers escaped from the city. And after that, our troops entered it heroically!


    E-mail N7.

    Honey, you may congratulate us! Thanks to the sergeant, we’ve captured 34 Husseins. The Ukrainians have captured just 8 Husseins, of which two were women and one was a cat. At present, all Husseins take DNA tests. It is very pleasant that it was one of our Husseins who took the first place. Jury confirmed that it was he. Now they ascertain who he is.

    It’s a pity that we, to all appearances, have waged the war in vain, as the UNO inspectors haven’t found weapons of mass destruction. ‘Cause all attempts of the Iraqi nuclear scientists result in making hashish.

    But the president sent us an SMS. He congratulated us on the successful job completion. He underlined that the USA was a peaceful world power. So it will never leave the world alone. And very soon, we will bring peace to North Korea. The sergeant asserts that North Korea is a lake in the Pacific Ocean.

    P.S.

    In Baghdad, looting is everywhere now. The Ukrainian chemical warfare unit suddenly attacked us and tried to take away what we had taken away from the Iraqis. The Ukrainians appear not to be paid money. They were said, “What you’ll get in Iraq will be yours”. I haven’t seen such frantic and bloody battles since the beginning of the war.

    If I don’t return, say to our son that his father was true American man – a heroic vehicle of democracy!..

  12. #2032
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    WOW

    This video is from a TV show where people say, "Hey, I have talent !"
    and judges decide if they do or don't. When this couple did their act, there was no question Everyone was floored. The video is about two minutes and is pretty
    incredible..........

    http://www.youtube.com/v/RB-wUgnyGv0

  13. #2033
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    A little old lady

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

    The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

    The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent –stink terribly."

    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."

  14. #2034
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an small Arabian state when they were caught relieving themselves on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

    The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back..
    But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

    The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.

    With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

    The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling.. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

    The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bull***** penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.

    The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

    The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish.

    "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

  15. #2035
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    Re: Jokes

    Police are taking the recent incident resulting in the untimley death of Steve Irwin seriously and have started a formal investigation.

    They were last seen looking for five puppets and a plastic submarine!

    (If you want the other not so clean but equally bad taste let me know).

  16. #2036
    Registered User Baruch's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by mick s View Post
    (If you want the other not so clean but equally bad taste let me know).
    Post them here. Some of us will find them funny, bad taste or not.

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    Re: Jokes

    Why you should never argue with children

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

    ~~~~~~~~~

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
    The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    ~~~~~~~~~

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
    After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

    ~~~~~~~~~

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

    ~~~~~~~~~

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
    "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    ~~~~~~~~~

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
    "Yes," the class said.
    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
    A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

    ~~~~~~~~~

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
    "Take only ONE. God is watching."
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
    A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

    ~~~~~~~~~

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    Re: Jokes

    The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be shitting herself.

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    Re: Jokes

    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

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    Re: Jokes

    A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"Yes"he says "I was in the Falklands for three years. "The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward
    employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

    The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

    The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

    The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
    "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

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