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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2001
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    Re: Jokes

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

    He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.
    Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.
    The light went out.
    The river ran again.
    And the sounds of the forest resumed.
    And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke:









    "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

  2. #2002
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by senorita View Post
    Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.


    Reminds me of the guy who was divorcing his wife, citing her dirty habits as the reason. When asked about her dirty habits, he stated that the one that annoyed him most was that he couldn't pee in the sink because it was always full of dirty dishes..............

  3. #2003
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    Re: Jokes

    History lesson in an American school. The teacher asks:

    - Children, who said: 'Let me be free or let me die?'

    Silence. The pupils pensively look at the teacher. And only Russian emigrant, named Ivan, raises his hand and replies:

    - Patrick Henry in 1775.

    - Well done, Ivan! - says the teacher. - The next question. Who said: 'The state of, from and for people must not disappear?'

    - Abraham Lincoln in 1863, - replies Ivan.

    The teacher looks at the rest of the pupils and reproachfully says:

    - You must burn with shame! Though Ivan went to America just several weeks ago, he knows the American history much better than you.

    The teacher turns away from the pupils to write something on the blackboard and hears somebody say:

    - I'm tired of the ****ing Russians!

    - Who said that? - asks the teacher.

    Ivan raises his hand and replies:

    - Ronald Reagan in 1982.

    One of the pupils shouts at Ivan:

    - Suck my ****!

    - Who the hell said that? - angrily asks the teacher.

    - Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky in 1997, - replies Ivan.
















    Sorry for the swear-words...

  4. #2004
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    Re: Jokes

    True story.

    There having been the World Football Championship in Germany, I want to tell you a football story.

    About several weeks ago I played football with unknown men.

    I was a goalkeeper. During the match one very 'interesting' thing took place in my penalty area.

    The defender of our team, an unknown bloke I wasn't acquainted with, came towards me, slipped out his T-shirt, licked his fingers and, rubbing his fingers against his nipples, said:

    - Look! What the beautiful nipples I have! Do you like them?



    The bloke wasn't joking. He was absolutely serious. And he wasn't drunk.

    'Damn', - I thought at that moment and said:

    - Rather! They are pretty nice.

    I replied so 'cause I didn't want to argue with such a queer customer. I knew from my experience that it was dangerous.

    My reply seemed to satisfy his (sexual) appetite. He turned away from me and (having worn his T-shirt) kept on doing what he had to do, namely, playing football.

    After that I also kept on playing footbal, but as forward and only 15 minutes. And then I get out of there. Who knows, perhaps, his friends were much nuttier than he.

    What the crazy men surround me sometimes!

    Once in my childhood a drunk man with a knife in his hand was chasing me. But I think that the football story is much... 'weirder'.

  5. #2005
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    Re: Jokes



    An old lady was stopped for speeding.



    The police officer asked her if she realised she was breaking the speed limit and she replied that she had not realised.



    He asked her if she knew the vehicle registration number and she replied that she did not as she had stolen the car.



    He asked to see her driving licence and she replied that she hadn’t got one.



    He asked her about insurance and she replied that she was not covered.



    He asked to have a look around the vehicle and to see into the boot. She told him not to look in the boot as her dead husband was in there. She said that they had had an argument and she had hit him with an axe. She had not wanted to get blood in her own car so had stolen one and bundled her husband’s body into the boot and had been driving around looking for somewhere to dump the body when he stopped her.



    The police officer decided that he could not deal with this on his own and radioed for help, saying that he had stopped a murderer.



    Reinforcements quickly arrived headed by a senior homicide detective, who proceeded to ask the old lady if she knew the registration number of the vehicle, which she reeled off with no trouble.



    He asked to see her driving licence and insurance, which she produced from the glove compartment.



    He asked her where her husband was and she told him he was at home looking after the grand children.



    He asked to look in the boot of the car and she happily opened it for him. It was completely empty.



    The detective said that the police officer had reported that she had told him she had stolen a car, had no insurance or driving licence and had murdered her husband. The old lady looked at him and said “I suppose he told you I was speeding as well”.





    Onkar


  6. #2006
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
    Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
    95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
    grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart
    attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
    old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
    advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
    church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
    and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply
    in on the Ding, and
    out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
    if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

  7. #2007
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    JUST MARRIED

    Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
    Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
    breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
    if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, "No".

    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    She replies, "No."

    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
    school."

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    His mom says, "No."

    He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

    He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
    gave him my airplane glue."

  8. #2008
    Commercial Operator onkar's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes


    In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

    The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
    three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

    There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
    inches, I can eat him."

    There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
    inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"

    It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
    preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

    "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish
    leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
    shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

    Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but
    I can tell you there's more....

    A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down
    three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for
    that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese
    sandwich."

    A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
    fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
    "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
    fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that
    bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can
    have mouse for lunch."

    The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
    cooling mist of the water.

    The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots
    the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the
    mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

    The moral of the story is:

    Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger!


    Onkar

  9. #2009
    Commercial Operator onkar's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes


    A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"),
    because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque
    on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"),
    because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got
    a better model.




    Onkar

  10. #2010
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    Re: Jokes

    A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

    Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

    When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

    He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

  11. #2011
    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Got this email today.


    At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain
    letters/pyramid
    schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send
    this
    e-mail to 9 of your Friends

    INSTRUCTIONS.

    Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some
    ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
    your
    list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
    receive
    823,542 women through the post.

    Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

    0.5 Miss Worlds

    2.5 Models

    463 Wild nymphos

    3,234 Good-looking nymphos

    20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms

    40,198 Bi-sexual women.

    In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,
    and
    tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your
    original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back at
    you.

    DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.

    One bloke for example who sent a letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
    friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he
    sent
    her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
    expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel
    he'd
    been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to
    live with
    his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am
    sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
    already
    received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.

    Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

    YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to achieve
    a
    totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy
    conversations
    about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no
    grumpy
    mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
    Do
    not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

    P.S. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum
    cleaner;
    one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

  12. #2012
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    Re: Jokes

    No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years. - Russell Brand

    I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63. - Bernie Clifton

    After her accident, my nan had a plastic hip put in. But I thought they should have replaced it with a Slinky, coz if she did fall down the stairs again ... - Steve Williams

    I'm a big Bono fan, but the man can't count. On "Vertigo", he begins with 'uno, dos, tres, catorce' which is 'one, two, three, 14' in Spanish. So maybe there isn't a crisis in Africa. Bono's just miscounted. - Al Pitcher

    I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" - Glenn Wool

    Jennifer Aniston goes to Malibu to shout at the sea. I drink Malibu and shout at pigeons. - Bill Bailey

    Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! - Frankie Boyle

    I've not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson. - We are Klang (if.comeddies newcomer nominee)

    Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That's a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you'd be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That's a lot of hairy women. - Shazia Mirza

    A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. - Rich Hall

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs. - Patrick Monahan

    Women want men in uniforms. In fact when you actually get down to it, all women really want are fascists. Hey, you can say what you like about the Nazis but those guys knew how to turn heads. - Dylan Moran

    I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back. - Janey Godley

    I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. - Andrew Lawrence if.comeddies newcomer nominee)

    A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything'. - Jason Byrne

    I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off. - Stephen Grant

    Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S ... - Stephen K Amos

    I'm a Jew, by the way. It was my agent's idea. - Simon Amstell

    Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company. - Lucy Porter

    Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent. - Richard Herring

    My friend is Irish. - Oh really?

    O'Reilly actually. - Colin and Fergus

    Prison governor: "Ladies, I am going to turn this place into Midnight Express. Prisoner: 'Oh, in which case, I think I should tell you now, I'm no good on roller-skates'. - The Dutch Elm Conservatoire

    I went to the JobCentre for an interview. I said: "I ain't got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off." She said: "You're exactly what they're after at Dixons". - Simon Brodkin

    "If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek Larwood

    Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx

    As of last month we have gay bishops, official. I wonder if this will filter down into the game of chess? Those bishops can make all the same moves, but can only be taken from behind. - Jason Wood

    I had a great business plan ... I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs ... there was only one tiny flaw ... - Justin Edwards

    I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January. - Nick Doody

    I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. - Paul Sinha (if.comeddies nominee)

    I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: "It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice". - Mark Watson

    Let me tell you what blasphemy is. It's the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being, he's just got self-esteem issues. - Reginald D Hunter

    I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble". - David O'Doherty (if.comeddies nominee)

    Americans only re-elected George Bush to prove they had a sense of irony. - Scott Capurro

    Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were "the terrorists" but now, we're "the Riverdance people". - Andrew Maxwell

    If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin

    Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?" - Kevin McAleer

    What Iran needs now is a more modern leader - a mullah lite. - Shappi Khorsandi

    Every older generation hates the younger generation, but it used to be that they said the young were getting more and more deviant. "If we wanted fun thenwe went to a barn dance," they'd say. We're the first generation of old people bitching that the young are so tame. Look at these kids - we used to do crack. These pussies just drink Red Bull and go on the patio to smoke. The closest they've come to a fist fight is in a chatroom. "You looking at my girlfriend? Well I'm going to delete you from my MySpace friends list". - Doug Stanhope

    Why do women insist on asking men what they're thinking? We're thinking: "****, better think of something to say." Either that or we're imagining that we're spies. - Ed Byrne

    I'm mixing beats that are phat and ill, like Pavarotti. - DJ Danny

    I don't mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72 virgin jokes. - Omar Marzouk

    People who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food. - Russell Howard (if.comedddies nominee)

    In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off. - Rhod Gilbert

    I grew up in Braintree, the most ironically named town in Britain - there being neither a brain nor a tree for miles around. In Braintree, they think irony comes from elephants. - Luke Wright

    My body has changed so much since I have been here. My stomach is fat from the food and booze, my legs are skinny from walking up all the hills. I've decided ET wasn't from out of space, he was from Edinburgh! - Wil Anderson

    What do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A Barbie-cue. - Steve Daking

    Edinburgh is the only city that I have walked completely around and only gone uphill. - Sean Collins

    They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. - Phil Nichol (if.comedddies nominee)

  13. #2013
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    Re: Jokes

    A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

    "So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

    "40," replies the dog.

    "How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

    "I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."


    --------


    Yee hah


    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

    An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.

    The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!"
    and rode off.

    "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

    "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."


    -------------

    old people's home


    Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

    The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

    The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

    The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

    "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

    "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker."

    ---------------

    ooppppss

    A husband walks into Victoria's Secret Boutique to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

    Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

    So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

    ------

    What do you call a sheep with no legs?

    A cloud.

    -------

  14. #2014
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    Thumbs up A short story by Anton Chekhov

    A CHAMELEON

    BY

    ANTON CHEKHOV


    The police superintendent Otchumyelov is walking across the market
    square wearing a new overcoat and carrying a parcel under his arm.
    A red-haired policeman strides after him with a sieve full of
    confiscated gooseberries in his hands. There is silence all around.
    Not a soul in the square. . . . The open doors of the shops and
    taverns look out upon God's world disconsolately, like hungry mouths;
    there is not even a beggar near them.

    "So you bite, you damned brute?" Otchumyelov hears suddenly. "Lads,
    don't let him go! Biting is prohibited nowadays! Hold him! ah . . .
    ah!"

    There is the sound of a dog yelping. Otchumyelov looks in the
    direction of the sound and sees a dog, hopping on three legs and
    looking about her, run out of Pitchugin's timber-yard. A man in a
    starched cotton shirt, with his waistcoat unbuttoned, is chasing
    her. He runs after her, and throwing his body forward falls down
    and seizes the dog by her hind legs. Once more there is a yelping
    and a shout of "Don't let go!" Sleepy countenances are protruded
    from the shops, and soon a crowd, which seems to have sprung out
    of the earth, is gathered round the timber-yard.

    "It looks like a row, your honour . . ." says the policeman.

    Otchumyelov makes a half turn to the left and strides towards the
    crowd.

    He sees the aforementioned man in the unbuttoned waistcoat standing
    close by the gate of the timber-yard, holding his right hand in the
    air and displaying a bleeding finger to the crowd. On his half-drunken
    face there is plainly written: "I'll pay you out, you rogue!" and
    indeed the very finger has the look of a flag of victory. In this
    man Otchumyelov recognises Hryukin, the goldsmith. The culprit who
    has caused the sensation, a white borzoy puppy with a sharp muzzle
    and a yellow patch on her back, is sitting on the ground with her
    fore-paws outstretched in the middle of the crowd, trembling all
    over. There is an expression of misery and terror in her tearful
    eyes.

    "What's it all about?" Otchumyelov inquires, pushing his way through
    the crowd. "What are you here for? Why are you waving your finger
    . . . ? Who was it shouted?"

    "I was walking along here, not interfering with anyone, your honour,"
    Hryukin begins, coughing into his fist. "I was talking about firewood
    to Mitry Mitritch, when this low brute for no rhyme or reason bit
    my finger. . . . You must excuse me, I am a working man. . . . Mine
    is fine work. I must have damages, for I shan't be able to use this
    finger for a week, may be. . . . It's not even the law, your honour,
    that one should put up with it from a beast. . . . If everyone is
    going to be bitten, life won't be worth living. . . ."

    "H'm. Very good," says Otchumyelov sternly, coughing and raising
    his eyebrows. "Very good. Whose dog is it? I won't let this pass!
    I'll teach them to let their dogs run all over the place! It's time
    these gentry were looked after, if they won't obey the regulations!
    When he's fined, the blackguard, I'll teach him what it means to
    keep dogs and such stray cattle! I'll give him a lesson! . . .
    Yeldyrin," cries the superintendent, addressing the policeman, "find
    out whose dog this is and draw up a report! And the dog must be
    strangled. Without delay! It's sure to be mad. . . . Whose dog is
    it, I ask?"

    "I fancy it's General Zhigalov's," says someone in the crowd.

    "General Zhigalov's, h'm. . . . Help me off with my coat, Yeldyrin
    . . . it's frightfully hot! It must be a sign of rain. . . . There's
    one thing I can't make out, how it came to bite you?" Otchumyelov
    turns to Hryukin. "Surely it couldn't reach your finger. It's a
    little dog, and you are a great hulking fellow! You must have
    scratched your finger with a nail, and then the idea struck you to
    get damages for it. We all know . . . your sort! I know you devils!"

    "He put a cigarette in her face, your honour, for a joke, and she
    had the sense to snap at him. . . . He is a nonsensical fellow,
    your honour!"

    "That's a lie, Squinteye! You didn't see, so why tell lies about
    it? His honour is a wise gentleman, and will see who is telling
    lies and who is telling the truth, as in God's sight. . . . And if
    I am lying let the court decide. It's written in the law. . . . We
    are all equal nowadays. My own brother is in the gendarmes . . .
    let me tell you. . . ."

    "Don't argue!"

    "No, that's not the General's dog," says the policeman, with profound
    conviction, "the General hasn't got one like that. His are mostly
    setters."

    "Do you know that for a fact?"

    "Yes, your honour."

    "I know it, too. The General has valuable dogs, thoroughbred, and
    this is goodness knows what! No coat, no shape. . . . A low creature.
    And to keep a dog like that! . . . where's the sense of it. If a
    dog like that were to turn up in Petersburg or Moscow, do you know
    what would happen? They would not worry about the law, they would
    strangle it in a twinkling! You've been injured, Hryukin, and we
    can't let the matter drop. . . . We must give them a lesson! It is
    high time . . . . !"

    "Yet maybe it is the General's," says the policeman, thinking aloud.
    "It's not written on its face. . . . I saw one like it the other
    day in his yard."

    "It is the General's, that's certain!" says a voice in the crowd.

    "H'm, help me on with my overcoat, Yeldyrin, my lad . . . the wind's
    getting up. . . . I am cold. . . . You take it to the General's,
    and inquire there. Say I found it and sent it. And tell them not
    to let it out into the street. . . . It may be a valuable dog, and
    if every swine goes sticking a cigar in its mouth, it will soon be
    ruined. A dog is a delicate animal. . . . And you put your hand
    down, you blockhead. It's no use your displaying your fool of a
    finger. It's your own fault. . . ."

    "Here comes the General's cook, ask him. . . Hi, Prohor! Come here,
    my dear man! Look at this dog. . . . Is it one of yours?"

    "What an idea! We have never had one like that!"

    "There's no need to waste time asking," says Otchumyelov. "It's a
    stray dog! There's no need to waste time talking about it. . . .
    Since he says it's a stray dog, a stray dog it is. . . . It must
    be destroyed, that's all about it."

    "It is not our dog," Prohor goes on. "It belongs to the General's
    brother, who arrived the other day. Our master does not care for
    hounds. But his honour is fond of them. . . ."

    "You don't say his Excellency's brother is here? Vladimir Ivanitch?"
    inquires Otchumyelov, and his whole face beams with an ecstatic
    smile. "'Well, I never! And I didn't know! Has he come on a visit?

    "Yes."

    "Well, I never. . . . He couldn't stay away from his brother. . . .
    And there I didn't know! So this is his honour's dog? Delighted
    to hear it. . . . Take it. It's not a bad pup. . . . A lively
    creature. . . . Snapped at this fellow's finger! Ha-ha-ha. . . .
    Come, why are you shivering? Rrr . . . Rrrr. . . . The rogue's angry
    . . . a nice little pup."

    Prohor calls the dog, and walks away from the timber-yard with her.
    The crowd laughs at Hryukin.

    "I'll make you smart yet!" Otchumyelov threatens him, and wrapping
    himself in his greatcoat, goes on his way across the square.

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    Thumbs up One more short story by Anton Chekhov

    IVAN MATVEYITCH

    BY

    ANTON CHEKHOV


    Between five and six in the evening. A fairly well-known man of
    learning--we will call him simply the man of learning--is sitting
    in his study nervously biting his nails.

    "It's positively revolting," he says, continually looking at his
    watch. "It shows the utmost disrespect for another man's time and
    work. In England such a person would not earn a farthing, he would
    die of hunger. You wait a minute, when you do come . . . ."

    And feeling a craving to vent his wrath and impatience upon someone,
    the man of learning goes to the door leading to his wife's room and
    knocks.

    "Listen, Katya," he says in an indignant voice. "If you see Pyotr
    Danilitch, tell him that decent people don't do such things. It's
    abominable! He recommends a secretary, and does not know the sort
    of man he is recommending! The wretched boy is two or three hours
    late with unfailing regularity every day. Do you call that a
    secretary? Those two or three hours are more precious to me than
    two or three years to other people. When he does come I will swear
    at him like a dog, and won't pay him and will kick him out. It's
    no use standing on ceremony with people like that!"

    "You say that every day, and yet he goes on coming and coming."

    "But to-day I have made up my mind. I have lost enough through him.
    You must excuse me, but I shall swear at him like a cabman."

    At last a ring is heard. The man of learning makes a grave face;
    drawing himself up, and, throwing back his head, he goes into the
    entry. There his amanuensis Ivan Matveyitch, a young man of eighteen,
    with a face oval as an egg and no moustache, wearing a shabby, mangy
    overcoat and no galoshes, is already standing by the hatstand. He
    is in breathless haste, and scrupulously wipes his huge clumsy boots
    on the doormat, trying as he does so to conceal from the maidservant
    a hole in his boot through which a white sock is peeping. Seeing
    the man of learning he smiles with that broad, prolonged, somewhat
    foolish smile which is seen only on the faces of children or very
    good-natured people.

    "Ah, good evening!" he says, holding out a big wet hand. "Has your
    sore throat gone?"

    "Ivan Matveyitch," says the man of learning in a shaking voice,
    stepping back and clasping his hands together. "Ivan Matveyitch."

    Then he dashes up to the amanuensis, clutches him by the shoulders,
    and begins feebly shaking him.

    "What a way to treat me!" he says with despair in his voice. "You
    dreadful, horrid fellow, what a way to treat me! Are you laughing
    at me, are you jeering at me? Eh?"

    Judging from the smile which still lingered on his face Ivan
    Matveyitch had expected a very different reception, and so, seeing
    the man of learning's countenance eloquent of indignation, his oval
    face grows longer than ever, and he opens his mouth in amazement.

    "What is . . . what is it?" he asks.

    "And you ask that?" the man of learning clasps his hands. "You know
    how precious time is to me, and you are so late. You are two hours
    late! . . . Have you no fear of God?"

    "I haven't come straight from home," mutters Ivan Matveyitch, untying
    his scarf irresolutely. "I have been at my aunt's name-day party,
    and my aunt lives five miles away. . . . If I had come straight
    from home, then it would have been a different thing."

    "Come, reflect, Ivan Matveyitch, is there any logic in your conduct?
    Here you have work to do, work at a fixed time, and you go flying
    off after name-day parties and aunts! But do make haste and undo
    your wretched scarf! It's beyond endurance, really!"

    The man of learning dashes up to the amanuensis again and helps him
    to disentangle his scarf.

    "You are done up like a peasant woman, . . . Come along, . . .
    Please make haste!"

    Blowing his nose in a dirty, crumpled-up handkerchief and pulling
    down his grey reefer jacket, Ivan Matveyitch goes through the hall
    and the drawing-room to the study. There a place and paper and even
    cigarettes had been put ready for him long ago.

    "Sit down, sit down," the man of learning urges him on, rubbing his
    hands impatiently. "You are an unsufferable person. . . . You know
    the work has to be finished by a certain time, and then you are so
    late. One is forced to scold you. Come, write, . . . Where did we
    stop?"

    Ivan Matveyitch smooths his bristling cropped hair and takes up his
    pen. The man of learning walks up and down the room, concentrates
    himself, and begins to dictate:

    "The fact is . . . comma . . . that so to speak fundamental forms
    . . . have you written it? . . . forms are conditioned entirely by
    the essential nature of those principles . . . comma . . . which
    find in them their expression and can only be embodied in them
    . . . . New line, . . . There's a stop there, of course. . . . More
    independence is found . . . is found . . . by the forms which have
    not so much a political . . . comma . . . as a social character . ."

    "The high-school boys have a different uniform now . . . a grey
    one," said Ivan Matveyitch, "when I was at school it was better:
    they used to wear regular uniforms."

    "Oh dear, write please!" says the man of learning wrathfully.
    "Character . . . have you written it? Speaking of the forms relating
    to the organization . . . of administrative functions, and not to
    the regulation of the life of the people . . . comma . . . it cannot
    be said that they are marked by the nationalism of their forms . . .
    the last three words in inverted commas. . . . Aie, aie . . .
    tut, tut . . . so what did you want to say about the high school?"

    "That they used to wear a different uniform in my time."

    "Aha! . . . indeed, . . . Is it long since you left the high school?"

    "But I told you that yesterday. It is three years since I left
    school. . . . I left in the fourth class."

    "And why did you give up high school?" asks the man of learning,
    looking at Ivan Matveyitch's writing.

    "Oh, through family circumstances."

    "Must I speak to you again, Ivan Matveyitch? When will you get over
    your habit of dragging out the lines? There ought not to be less
    than forty letters in a line."

    "What, do you suppose I do it on purpose?" says Ivan Matveyitch,
    offended. "There are more than forty letters in some of the other
    lines. . . . You count them. And if you think I don't put enough
    in the line, you can take something off my pay."

    "Oh dear, that's not the point. You have no delicacy, really. . . .
    At the least thing you drag in money. The great thing is to be
    exact, Ivan Matveyitch, to be exact is the great thing. You ought
    to train yourself to be exact."

    The maidservant brings in a tray with two glasses of tea on it, and
    a basket of rusks. . . . Ivan Matveyitch takes his glass awkwardly
    with both hands, and at once begins drinking it. The tea is too
    hot. To avoid burning his mouth Ivan Matveyitch tries to take a
    tiny sip. He eats one rusk, then a second, then a third, and, looking
    sideways, with embarrassment, at the man of learning, timidly
    stretches after a fourth. . . . The noise he makes in swallowing,
    the relish with which he smacks his lips, and the expression of
    hungry greed in his raised eyebrows irritate the man of learning.

    "Make haste and finish, time is precious."

    "You dictate, I can drink and write at the same time. . . . I must
    confess I was hungry."

    "I should think so after your walk!"

    "Yes, and what wretched weather! In our parts there is a scent of
    spring by now. . . . There are puddles everywhere; the snow is
    melting."

    "You are a southerner, I suppose?"

    "From the Don region. . . . It's quite spring with us by March.
    Here it is frosty, everyone's in a fur coat, . . . but there you
    can see the grass . . . it's dry everywhere, and one can even catch
    tarantulas."

    "And what do you catch tarantulas for?"

    "Oh! . . . to pass the time . . ." says Ivan Matveyitch, and he
    sighs. "It's fun catching them. You fix a bit of pitch on a thread,
    let it down into their hole and begin hitting the tarantula on the
    back with the pitch, and the brute gets cross, catches hold of the
    pitch with his claws, and gets stuck. . . . And what we used to do
    with them! We used to put a basinful of them together and drop a
    bihorka in with them."

    "What is a bihorka?"

    "That's another spider, very much the same as a tarantula. In a
    fight one of them can kill a hundred tarantulas."

    "H'm! . . . But we must write, . . . Where did we stop?"

    The man of learning dictates another twenty lines, then sits plunged
    in meditation.

    Ivan Matveyitch, waiting while the other cogitates, sits and, craning
    his neck, puts the collar of his shirt to rights. His tie will not
    set properly, the stud has come out, and the collar keeps coming
    apart.

    "H'm! . . ." says the man of learning. "Well, haven't you found a
    job yet, Ivan Matveyitch?"

    "No. And how is one to find one? I am thinking, you know, of
    volunteering for the army. But my father advises my going into a
    chemist's."

    "H'm! . . . But it would be better for you to go into the university.
    The examination is difficult, but with patience and hard work you
    could get through. Study, read more. . . . Do you read much?"

    "Not much, I must own . . ." says Ivan Matveyitch, lighting a
    cigarette.

    "Have you read Turgenev?"

    "N-no. . . ."

    "And Gogol?"

    "Gogol. H'm! . . . Gogol. . . . No, I haven't read him!"

    "Ivan Matveyitch! Aren't you ashamed? Aie! aie! You are such a nice
    fellow, so much that is original in you . . . you haven't even read
    Gogol! You must read him! I will give you his works! It's essential
    to read him! We shall quarrel if you don't!"

    Again a silence follows. The man of learning meditates, half reclining
    on a soft lounge, and Ivan Matveyitch, leaving his collar in peace,
    concentrates his whole attention on his boots. He has not till then
    noticed that two big puddles have been made by the snow melting off
    his boots on the floor. He is ashamed.

    "I can't get on to-day . . ." mutters the man of learning. "I suppose
    you are fond of catching birds, too, Ivan Matveyitch?"

    "That's in autumn, . . . I don't catch them here, but there at home
    I always did."

    "To be sure . . . very good. But we must write, though."

    The man of learning gets up resolutely and begins dictating, but
    after ten lines sits down on the lounge again.

    "No. . . . Perhaps we had better put it off till to-morrow morning,"
    he says. "Come to-morrow morning, only come early, at nine o'clock.
    God preserve you from being late!"

    Ivan Matveyitch lays down his pen, gets up from the table and sits
    in another chair. Five minutes pass in silence, and he begins to
    feel it is time for him to go, that he is in the way; but in the
    man of learning's study it is so snug and light and warm, and the
    impression of the nice rusks and sweet tea is still so fresh that
    there is a pang at his heart at the mere thought of home. At home
    there is poverty, hunger, cold, his grumbling father, scoldings,
    and here it is so quiet and unruffled, and interest even is taken
    in his tarantulas and birds.

    The man of learning looks at his watch and takes up a book.

    "So you will give me Gogol?' says Ivan Matveyitch, getting up.

    "Yes, yes! But why are you in such a hurry, my dear boy? Sit down
    and tell me something . . ."

    Ivan Matveyitch sits down and smiles broadly. Almost every evening
    he sits in this study and always feels something extraordinarily
    soft, attracting him, as it were akin, in the voice and the glance
    of the man of learning. There are moments when he even fancies that
    the man of learning is becoming attached to him, used to him, and
    that if he scolds him for being late, it's simply because he misses
    his chatter about tarantulas and how they catch goldfinches on the
    Don.




    (I think it would be great to create a thread for the people to post their favourite short stories there. I think it is not so bad idea.)

  16. #2016
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    Talking Re: One more short story by Anton Chekhov


    10 Things to ponder
    • Life is sexually transmitted.
    • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    • Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
    • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
    • Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
    • Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
    • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    • Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut save you 50p?
    • In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


    AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

    • We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain..... but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration......



    Onkar

  17. #2017
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    10 Astounding New Stand-Up Jokes From The Edinburgh Comedy Festival



    * Ann Widdecombe says she’s a virgin for religious reasons. The reason being

    that God made her incredibly ugly.

    (Frankie Boyle)



    * Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.

    (Jimmy Carr)



    * How many Tunisians does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty, no 18, for

    you

    sir 16, OK 15 – is good lightbulb.

    (Ed Byrne)



    * I hired an odd-job man. He was useless. Gave him a list of 8 things to do

    and

    he only did numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7.

    (Stephen Grant)



    * My girlfriend's just had a little boy. It’s a miracle! To think that my

    sperm

    would join together with her egg! I mean, I only came on her tits.

    (Simon Brodkin)



    * I’ve been doing DIY for this woman in return for sexual favours. The other

    day

    she gave me a handjob because I fixed her skirting board. Today I put up

    some

    shelves so she gave me a blowjob. Tomorrow I’m going to do her back door.

    (Mark Olver)



    * Bono can’t count – on Vertigo he goes, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce", which in

    Spanish is 1, 2, 3, 14. So maybe there isn't a problem in Africa – Bono just

    miscounted.

    (Al Pitcher)



    * Before I got into comedy I was a plumber for 150 years – although that’s

    just

    an estimate.

    (Gordon Southern)



    * I’ve always been very pessimistic. I’m like a German vegetarian. I fear

    the

    wurst.

    (Andy Zaltzman)



    * I had a great business plan: I was going to build a bungalow for some

    dwarves.

    There was one tiny flaw.

    (Justin Edwards)


  18. #2018
    Registered User senorita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
    He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
    So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

    The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in
    a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

    Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All
    you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish"

    The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?"

    The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it
    will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

    Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

    That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
    most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
    He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as
    the medicine man had promised.

    Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123
    for?"

    And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

  19. #2019
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    Re: One more short story by Anton Chekhov

    Quote Originally Posted by onkar View Post
    We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain..... but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration.....
    many a true word spoken in jest!!!!!!

  20. #2020
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    Re: Jokes

    An Irish Priest is driving along when the Police pull him over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He asks the priest "Father, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water" says the Priest.

    The policeman then says "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The Priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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