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Thread: Jokes

  1. #181
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    What do you get when you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow??


    Run over!!!




    Cheque please........................!

  2. #182
    Registered User ChrisA's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Jive Brummie
    What do you get when you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow??


    Run over!!!




    Cheque please........................!
    Isn't it considered bad form to laugh at your own jokes???

    Chris

  3. #183
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    Originally posted by ChrisA
    Isn't it considered bad form to laugh at your own jokes???
    Chris
    Only if they aren't funny!

  4. #184
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    What's yellow and smells like green paint.....???



    Yellow paint....!!



    I have to laugh at my own jokes 'cos I think i'm the only one who finds them funny......


    up your pipe.........................................

  5. #185
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    That reminds me of -

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot??

    ..a carrot!

    JB, I collect jokes such as these

  6. #186
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    What's black & white , and eats like a horse


    A Zebra.........

  7. #187
    Registered User ChrisA's Avatar
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    There was this Englishman who had just bought a new Carrera, and he'd gone to Ireland on holiday with it. Coming over the brow of a hill, he found what must have been the only long straight piece of road in the whole of Ireland. And it was empty for as far ahead as he could see.

    With a grin, and narrowed eyes, he floored the throttle to see how fast he could go.

    He was doing well over 120 when to his horror, out of a gap in the hedges come Mick and Paddy on their horse-drawn hay cart.

    His eyes popping out of his head, our Porsche driver stands on the brakes, but he has no chance of stopping before he hits the hay cart. Nevertheless, he j u s t manages to swerve in through the gap in the hedge that the cart had come out of, and all is well.

    So Mick turns to Paddy and says...


    "Holy Mary Mother of God.... ... we only just got outa that field in toime".

  8. #188
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    Originally posted by Dance Demon
    What's black & white , and eats like a horse


    A Zebra.........
    Now that's funny!!!!!!
    "If you rebel against high heels, take care to do so in a very smart hat.'' George Bernard Shaw

  9. #189
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    Originally posted by Sheena
    Now that's funny!!!!!!
    Glad it made you laff Sheen...heres another...

    What's pink & wrinkly, and hangs out your underpants......


    Your mother........

    hopefully with colour co-ordinated clothes pegs...


    What's big and pink, has a blue vein running through it, and gives enourmous pleasure to a woman..........



    A £20 note....................

  10. #190
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    An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

    As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

    While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

  11. #191
    Papa Smurf
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    Originally posted by Emma


    JB, I collect jokes such as these
    My favourite one from school....


    Whats brown and sticky ?


    A stick.


  12. #192
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    MORNING HAS BROKEN!

    This just made me chuckle when I saw it. It reminded me of all those assemblies I had to sing the song in as a child.

    MORNING HAS BROKEN!
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  13. #193
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    and one more just for luck

    The old ones really are the best......


    WAITER WAITER .......
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  14. #194
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    Originally posted by Dreadful Scathe
    My favourite one from school....
    Whats brown and sticky ?
    A stick.
    Awww Scathe, that is my all-time *favourite* joke - I was saving it for a special occasion!

    Anyway -

    Two parrots sitting on a perch....

    One of them says...

    '....something smells fishy around here.....'

  15. #195
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    One for Andy

    An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

    Greg

  16. #196
    The Original Scooby Dave Hancock's Avatar
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    NEW SCANDAL IS SET TO ROCK FOOTBALL

    A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

    Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor

  17. #197
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    Re: NEW SCANDAL IS SET TO ROCK FOOTBALL

    Originally posted by Dave Hancock
    A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

    Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor
    *groan*

  18. #198
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    Re: NEW SCANDAL IS SET TO ROCK FOOTBALL

    Originally posted by Dave Hancock
    A new scandal is set to rock football - Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in the hotel room of a French footballer......

    Police are treating it as murder on Zidanes floor
    Attached Images Attached Images

  19. #199
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    That outline looks nothing like Sophie Ellis Bextor....

  20. #200
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    What were the Lone Ranger's first words to Tonto when they crossed the Canadian border...?

    'Onto toronto pronto Tonto'

    P.S. If that's Sophie, she's got one hell of a neck
    Last edited by Boomer; 18th-October-2003 at 02:28 AM.

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