The diary of an American soldier.
(E-mails from the front.)
E-mail N1.
Hi, honey. Today is a holiday for us. We are going to Iraq! It is so remote from our military base. Guys say that Iraq is even much farther than Mexico. Our headquarters declared that the war would be very hard. Our sergeant major asserts that Iraq is located in the South of Africa. But our colonel, who had been a geography teacher in a college, said that the sergeant was a pothead and that Iraq was located in the South of India, not in the South of Africa.
In the morning, our president sent us an SMS. He explained that the Iraqis didn’t want to share oil with America, and that it did mean that they are against democracy. Now the main purpose of America is bringing democracy to the Iraqis, as we – the American people – are the sole vehicles of democracy in the world. The colonel said that our president was very brave man as he had had the courage to wage a war on the country that was just ten times less than the USA.
We all are completely confident of the near victory, as we have the president’s blessing and the most modern weapons: antipersonnel Pampers and plastic explosive flavored with strawberry. However, we will not understand just one thing: what is the proper name of the country – Iran or Iraq?
One more happy news. Soon you will watch me on TV very often. There will be live broadcasting our battles between serial “Dying from toothpick” and talk-show “Influence of magnetic storms upon male Californian turtles’ cellulitis”. I promise to wave my hand to you in every action.
Don’t worry about me. I have a sunblock.
E-mail N2.
Hi, honey! We have just arrived in Iraq. It is very hot here indeed. To all appearances, it is not India. The local inhabitants don’t look like Indians. But the colonel has obtained more specific information concerning the name of the country. He said that it was more accurate to call it Iraq. As to Iran, it is, obviously, such a radioactive agent called Iran-238.
The sergeant heard over the radio that the operations would start tomorrow. He said that the English, Spaniards and Poles would take part in the operations as well. But he didn’t say on which side.
Surely, the headquarters put a scare into us having said that there would be inhuman hardships: no air-conditioners in blinds, no showers in trenches… but we – the Americans – are heroes! We will endure anything! Even shortage of iced Coca-Cola during the battle.
In the evening, to the sounds of music and merry screams there came camouflaged carts hitched to oxen. That was a Ukrainian chemical warfare unit. Their camouflage looks great against the desert’s background. They all have green regimentals, fir branches on their heads (officers have birch stubs instead of branches) for us to easily recognize them during bombardments.
Then there came some Estonians, Lithuanians and Letts. The sergeant asserts that they are so-called tribes from American reservations. However, they are very kind. They brought humanitarian aid: the Estonians brought two vans with baby food, the Lithuanians – four vans with children's clothes, the Letts – 200 vans with courses of the Lettish language.
But the most important thing was that a group of lawyers was attached to our platoon. So don’t worry. If I receive even a light wound, the Iraqis will be forced to pay through the nose for that.
E-mail N3.
Today we have taken emplacements for the first time. The Iraqis proved to be real savages! They don’t understand that we occupy their villages legitimately - by the approbation of the US Senate. The day before yesterday they perfidiously fired on our helicopter peacefully bombing their cities.
The headquarters warned us against yielding ourselves prisoners. The Iraqi military torture the American soldiers cruelly: they take away our popcorn, our DVD-players, prohibit from putting our legs on their tables and using thread for cleaning interdental space.
But we feel ourselves heroes. The whole world is said to already comment on the war in Iraq. Britney Spears learns the Iraqi language. Madonna grew a beard and wrote a book ‘Allowing Hussein the last favor.’
But the most terrible thing was that they gave us Ukrainian gas-masks! They reek of lard and garlic so strongly that we decided that it would be much better to breathe mustard gas and sarin!
Say to our son that his father will necessarily return alive (if he doesn’t die of using a Ukrainian gas-mask).
E-mail N4.
From day to day, we have increasingly had a hard time of it. The whole month we have judged from the smell of garlic where the Ukrainian chemical warfare unit is located. Once, when the wind blew from their side, a fit of so maddening dizziness came over our sergeant that he fell from the tank. A nurse provided medical care for him, but he brought an action against her because of the interference.
The Iraqis are so crazy savages! They don’t know that we are the most powerful nation in the world and keep on attacking us all the time. Our the most modern laser-positron devices for disadjusting their sights are inoperative ‘cause these savages don’t even have sights.
Last week we were sent super new helicopters. They fly so closely to the earth that no anti-aircraft defence can detect them. And, you know, the day before yesterday some Iraqi peasant brought down a helicopter with his hoe, as the helicopter hampered him in farming his lands. The Pentagon brought an action against him, as he had used the weapon unsanctioned by the UNO. The Senate has already given to our president 5 billion dollars to equip the helicopters with anti-hoe and anti-spade shields, as the anti-dustpan one is already out-of-date.
E-mail N5.
Today is the most terrible day: we’ve lost mobile popcorn-maker and field MacDonald’s somewhere! Our tank attack was suspended, as near Baghdad we stopped before a red signal light. Traffic lights of these savages seemed to have broken down. And we stood at the intersection till the very evening. The sergeant asserts that if the Iraqis didn’t exist, we would conquer Iraq very long time ago.
Journalists want us – on invading Baghdad – to drop lots of napalm bombs on it for them to have a lot of light for making their TV reports. Of course, we are prohibited to bomb the Northern Iraq ‘cause Hollywood shoots there erotic thriller about capturing Hussein – “Sex with Hussein and the city”. Primarily it was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Macalay Kalkin who intended playing the role of Hussein. But the fee was so high that Saddam Hussein decided to act in the film himself.
Having despairingly realized that the war can be over at any moment and I will not become a TV star, I began to wave both my hands to you. Fortunately, the journalists noticed me and then made a TV report about us called “The Americans yield themselves prisoners after the battle of Baghdad”. Hurray! Finally, I’ve become a TV star!
E-mail N6.
We are almost in Baghdad! On our way to it, we’ve found lots of dead trees with twisted leaves, lots of dead birds, insects and moles with their eyes bugged with horror. It means that the Ukrainian chemical warfare unit passed here. It was they who helped us. Not having endured the smell of onion, the Iraqi soldiers escaped from the city. And after that, our troops entered it heroically!
E-mail N7.
Honey, you may congratulate us! Thanks to the sergeant, we’ve captured 34 Husseins. The Ukrainians have captured just 8 Husseins, of which two were women and one was a cat. At present, all Husseins take DNA tests. It is very pleasant that it was one of our Husseins who took the first place. Jury confirmed that it was he. Now they ascertain who he is.
It’s a pity that we, to all appearances, have waged the war in vain, as the UNO inspectors haven’t found weapons of mass destruction. ‘Cause all attempts of the Iraqi nuclear scientists result in making hashish.
But the president sent us an SMS. He congratulated us on the successful job completion. He underlined that the USA was a peaceful world power. So it will never leave the world alone. And very soon, we will bring peace to North Korea. The sergeant asserts that North Korea is a lake in the Pacific Ocean.
P.S.
In Baghdad, looting is everywhere now. The Ukrainian chemical warfare unit suddenly attacked us and tried to take away what we had taken away from the Iraqis. The Ukrainians appear not to be paid money. They were said, “What you’ll get in Iraq will be yours”. I haven’t seen such frantic and bloody battles since the beginning of the war.
If I don’t return, say to our son that his father was true American man – a heroic vehicle of democracy!..
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