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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    Jokes

    Hmmmm.... I think it's about time someone started a thread for everyone to put their favourite jokes. I'll get the ball rolling with a topical one...

    Three men all pass away on Christmas Eve. They pass up to heaven, and are met at the pearly gates by St.Peter.

    St. Peter says to them, 'Since it's Christmas, you can only enter, if you can show me something in the Christmas spirit'.

    The first guy digs deep in his pockets, pull out a lighter and sparks up a flame.

    St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

    'Candles' says the man, and gets let in.

    The first guy digs deeper in his pockets, pull out a set of keys and jingles them.

    St. Peter looks at him quizzically.

    'Bells' says the man, and gets let in.

    The third man digs even deeper in his pockets, a worried look upon his face. Finally, with a relieved smile, he pulls out a pair of skimpy red knickers.

    St. Peter looks at him with an absolute look of disbelief on his face....

    And the man says....










    They're Carols!!!



    Steve

  2. #2
    Not a spoon! Lou's Avatar
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    My favourite joke....

    Q. What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach?


    A. Flip flips

  3. #3
    Omnipotent Moderator Tiggerbabe's Avatar
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    Unhappy From a cracker!

    Why don't cars play football?


    'Cause they've only got one boot!


    Aw! Come on - it's funny..................
    (Can't tell you my favourite joke - it's far too rude:sorry )

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    Registered User Alfie's Avatar
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    Jokes

    Hi All,
    I'll start with a clean one.

    Q: What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?







    A: Philipe Phillop!!!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!

    Well I Thought it was funny

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    Registered User Jayne's Avatar
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    Why has Edward Woodward got so many Ds in his name??

    Because without them he'd be Ewar Woowar


    Coudn't resist bringing it out again....

    Jayne

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    Jayne.

    You really should have resisted!!!

    Steve

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    Letter to an agony aunt:

    Dear Abby:
    I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.

    My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened,she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood upand walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

    Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

    Steve

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    Registered User Jayne's Avatar
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    Originally posted by TheTramp
    Jayne.

    You really should have resisted!!!

    Steve
    two things:

    1) It's sooo funny with alcohol (as I said before)

    2) It's the only clean one I can think of off the top of my head. (i've got a favourire unclean one but there's a visual thing that makes it funny and so it wouldn't come across on the forum... Unless I could get Gadget to make an animation....)

    Jayne

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    Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
    The doctor says to the first old man,
    "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.
    The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn.
    What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man.
    The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn.
    What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.
    "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
    "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

    So, this is what I've got to look forward to then eh?

    Steve

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    Registered User Ronde!'s Avatar
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    An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
    You would have thought one of them would have ducked.

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    Did you hear about the agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic?

    He used to lie awake all night, worrying about whether or not there was a dog!

    Steve

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    Not a spoon! Lou's Avatar
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    For anyone who's watched Lord of the Rings....

    Q. What's Sauron's favourite football team?

    A. Wraith Rovers!




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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Another LOTR one...

    With mounting apprehension, Frodo entered the Prancing Pony. He'd been warned that all manner of evil creatures were after him, searching for the one ring. He went to the bar, and was waiting to be served, when there was an almighty crash and the inn doors slammed open.

    Frodo stared in terror as one of Sauron's Ringwraiths was silhoutted in the doorway. Everyone hurried to get out of it's way as the creature advanced steadily towards him. It came to a stop before him, scanning from his feet to his head - as if it could sense the ring was nearby.

    Frodo knew he couldn't just stand there in front of the creature's gaze. I'll have to bluff, he thought - make it think I'm just an innocent bystander, out to have a good time. And thus, he said:

    "So, what's a Nazgul like you doing in a place like this?"

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    Four engineers get in a car, and one starts it, but after a few seconds the engine coughs and dies. A couple of further attempts produce similar results.

    The first, a mechanical engineer, says "I think I know what the problem is - it sounded as if one of the valves was stuck, so I'll just pop out and have a look at the engine, see if I can free it and we'll be away in no time."

    "Nonsense!" retorted the second, a chemical engineer. "I think the fuel's been contaminated - the smell is very distinctive - I'll just pop out, drain the fuel tank, refill it from the spare can, and we'll be off in minutes."

    "You're both wrong, as usual!" piped up the third, an electrical engineer. "I'm sure one of the spark plugs wasn't firing, so I'll just pop out, check the wiring, and we'll be motoring along before you know it."

    "Actually, I've got another idea" suggested the fourth, a software engineer. "Why don't we all get out, close all the doors, then try it again from the beginning?"

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    Five guys were doing a tour of Ireland. They had completed the North and were heading south over the border, when they were stopped at a Garda checkpoint. The policeman looked in the car, opened the door and shouted "OK lads, out of the car". " What's the problem officer?" one of them asked. "You're driving a Quattro, which means four, and there's five of you " he replied .
    "No No" said the driver," Quattro is just the name that Audi gave the model, but it is meant to carry 5 people" ." Look I'm not going to argue" bellowed the officer "just get out of the car".
    "I've had enough of this" said the driver, "do you have a superior that I can talk to"." Yes"came the reply," but he's busy arresting two guys driving an Uno"............:sorry

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    sorry it's a bit 'wude'....

    The Royal Honeymoon

    On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten her shoes. Panic set in until her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
    The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispered the Queen to her husband, the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

    :sorry

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    Commercial Operator
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    Just to lower the standard again...

    2 snowmen sitting in a field, the first one says, "Can you smell carrots?"

    Da Dum, Ssh.

    Why did the Scarecrow win an award?
    Cos he was outstanding in his field.

    Da Dum, Ssh.

    A man was found dead in an ice cream van covered in hundreds and thousands...
    Police reports said he topped himself.

    Da Dum, Ssh.

    Hear about the guy that drowned in his muesli?
    He was pulled under by a strong currant.

    Da Dum, Ssh.

    Two elephants fall off a cliff.
    Da Dum!!!!

    :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry

  18. #18
    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Just to lower the standard again...

    Originally posted by Ceroc Jock

    Da Dum!!!!

    :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry :sorry
    LOL it was all the funnier than I could picture you in a cheap suit in an american lounge bar with your backing drummer

  19. #19
    Commercial Operator Gus's Avatar
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    Deathwish

    Its Xmas at the North Pole and 3 strange characters are playing card poker. Intelligent Man, Intelligent Woman and Santa Claus are taking it very seriously, going #100 blind each round and downing copius amounts of vodka as an additional show of bravado ...... theres about #10,000 on the table as they all pass out .... and when they come to, ALL the money has been stolen

    So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?


    (Answer to follow)

  20. #20
    The Oracle
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    Re: Deathwish

    Originally posted by Gus
    So who stole it .... Intelligent Man, Intelligent woman or Santa Claus?
    The man. The other two don't exist.

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