Dancing insecurities?

[~Jo~]

I put 'not good enough',

I really do not like asking men to dance, and so far I don't, which isn't good because then I don't dance at all at freestyles unless a man asks me (which is usually never) so I miss out, but for some reason I seem to have a social block and I just can't put myself out there lol.

I don't know why I don't get asked though...I think the men know im a beginner and so I think they wont want to dance with me because I might follow wrong and they'll either have to change what they're doing or explain the move to me and it'll ruin their fun (that they could be having with more experienced dancers)

I also sometimes think my age comes into it. I'm 21, but a lot of the guys are older in my class and I think they dont want to ask me in case I think they have another motive, if you know what I mean! But it's annoying really, 'cos I think I'm actually quite pretty (if I do say so myself lol) so it's like "Why don't you want to dance with me!!??" you should want to dance with me lmao

It's the same when we have to line up for class, I always seem to be the 'space' as no man will come and stand opposite me, hmmmm....maybe I'M intimidating. It does add to my nervousness when it comes to asking them though as I'm thinking....you never ask me, or voluntarily partner up with me in class... which means you could possible turn me down, and although I have turned down a man or two (i was genuinely tired and didn't want to dance and I did say so in the most nicest way) I still couldnt bare it happening to me lol (i know i know double standards)...

[NZ Monkey]

My biggest insecurity is that I’m no good at this dancing thing.

In MJ I worry that while I used to have a reasonably wide repertoire, after almost two years of only sporadic it’s down to around 10 moves. I also worry that those ten moves sometimes go badly haywire. I fear I have the functional musicality of a goldfish flapping around on dry land because I’m concentrating so hard on putting my follower where I want them.

In WCS, I wonder just how I’m coming along without anyone to compare myself to. I don’t have any benchmarks so it’s very difficult to know if the effort I put into it is really paying off, or whether it’s all in my head

[David Bailey]

I put 'not good enough',

I really do not like asking men to dance, and so far I don't, which isn't good because then I don't dance at all at freestyles unless a man asks me (which is usually never) so I miss out, but for some reason I seem to have a social block and I just can't put myself out there lol.

I don't know why I don't get asked though...I think the men know im a beginner and so I think they wont want to dance with me because I might follow wrong and they'll either have to change what they're doing or explain the move to me and it'll ruin their fun (that they could be having with more experienced dancers)

There's a chance you're also putting out "don't ask me" vibes, in terms of body language and so on.

Typically, I'd much rather ask someone to dance who's standing on the edge of the floor, maybe moving to the music, and clearly dying to dance, than someone sitting down, possibly looking serious or worried, not making eye contact, that sort of thing.

Maybe worth evaluating your use of body language?

[Phil_dB]

If i'm not getting many dances I also think "it's because i'm not good enough". (and then I think, "well, that's probably true, but i'm only going to get better by dancing, so I might as well find a victim to bore with my repertoire and start clocking up some more dance hours").

My insecurity is... I'm worried that I'm boring my follower.

Me too.

Me three!

I constantly worry about boring my follower.... My other vice is the Man-Spin...I'm trying to limit it to a couple of times per dance.

I have a bit of an man-spin issue going on too



I don't really have too much of an issue with asking for dances & I get asked quite often also to be fair to followers . You can't just sit there and wait to be asked all the time, you have to do your fair share imo.

If I can't see anyone to ask, and i'm not getting asked, as soon as a track finishes, I'll walk onto the dance floor and ask someone who has just finished - sometimes this is the only way to get a dance, as a lot of men thank one partner turn around and immediately grab another, so they all go quick!

My outlook is that I'm there for the same reasons as the vast majority of follows, - to dance & have fun. As there's no alteria motive, there's nothing to worry about.

I will dance with anyone. Man, woman, fat, thin, tall, short, old, young. I never refuse a dance (i've not YET had a refusal... - I'm sure my time will come...).

The only follows I won't ask to dance with are those who have previously bounced my hand all over the place, - but if they ask me, of course I won't refuse..

I couldn't care less about experience, 1st time beginners - make no difference to me, I'll just do the moves they've learnt in the lesson, and maybe a couple of other easy to follow ones they might have also done, - it's all good practice for me as far as I'm concerned.

As has probably been said a thousand times before, - as long as i'm dancing with someone who is smiling, maybe a bit of eye contact now and again, - i'm happy.

[Agente Secreto]

I put 'not good enough',

I really do not like asking men to dance, and so far I don't, which isn't good because then I don't dance at all at freestyles unless a man asks me (which is usually never) so I miss out, but for some reason I seem to have a social block and I just can't put myself out there lol.

I don't know why I don't get asked though...I think the men know im a beginner and so I think they wont want to dance with me because I might follow wrong and they'll either have to change what they're doing or explain the move to me and it'll ruin their fun (that they could be having with more experienced dancers)
...

There's a chance you're also putting out "don't ask me" vibes, in terms of body language and so on.

Typically, I'd much rather ask someone to dance who's standing on the edge of the floor, maybe moving to the music, and clearly dying to dance, than someone sitting down, possibly looking serious or worried, not making eye contact, that sort of thing.

Maybe worth evaluating your use of body language?

Speaking personally - I enjoy dancing with beginners and I have never thought to myself 'I'm not dancing with her since she's only a beginner. It is always good to see how newbies blossom when given a little encouragement and see what they can achieve when dancing with a more experienced lead - and I find that this gives me lots of enjoyment. I get something different from dancing with less experienced follows, but I have had great dances with people that have been coming to MJ for only a week or two. This is different to what I get from dancing with an experienced follow but it is still very satisfying.

It could be your body language - we had one attractive lady dancer at the local venue who I always felt was a bit standoff-ish when we danced - so I simply didn't ask her. It turned out she was just painfully shy and I misinterpreted shy. My wife has struggled sometimes with getting partners, although she is both a good dancer and attractive. The advice given to her by a very 'popular' lady on the floor was very similar to what DB says in that if your waiting out a track do so at the side of the floor and sway to the music since that sends the 'I want to dance' message out very clearly. Also when lining up for class, as you're walking on just find a friendly guy and ask if you could start together by saying that you've seen that he knows what he's doing (even if this is a little white lie) and you like to start of the class with a good foundation. He'll not be able to resist the ego stroking.............

Remember though that the male is a complex beast. I'll use my very attractive 19 yr old daughter (good looks courtesy of her mum not me) as an example of this. When my daughter came along to our venue she didn't dance as much as I thought she would. It turned out in conversation that some guys were worrying what I thought - but far more were concerned that by dancing with the youngest and most attractive girl in the room they might be perceived as perving

I'm sure that what you'll find very quickly that the dancing community at your local venue will very soon swallow you up. Like any other social group it just takes a bit of time.

Agent 000
Licensed to Dance

[David Bailey]

It could be your body language - we had one attractive lady dancer at the local venue who I always felt was a bit standoff-ish when we danced - so I simply didn't ask her.
...
Remember though that the male is a complex beast. I'll use my very attractive 19 yr old daughter (good looks courtesy of her mum not me) as an example of this. When my daughter came along to our venue she didn't dance as much as I thought she would. It turned out in conversation that some guys were worrying what I thought - but far more were concerned that by dancing with the youngest and most attractive girl in the room they might be perceived as perving

Yes - if you're young and goodlooking, it can intimidate partners.

It's a curse I suffer from also

[bigdjiver]

...DB says in that if your waiting out a track do so at the side of the floor and sway to the music since that sends the 'I want to dance' message out very clearly. ...

making eye contact, or even looking around desperately also helps ...

I saw a lady at a freestyle that I did not ask to dance because I was sure I had offended her, but I just just could not remember how. Later it came to me,. I was invited by the "youngest and prettiest". I responded to a "do that move" request. I looked up and saw her Mum ...

.... but far more were concerned that by dancing with the youngest and most attractive girl in the room they might be perceived as perving ...

[straycat]

Yes - if you're young and goodlooking, it can intimidate partners.

You feel intimidated? Surely not....

[Phil_dB]

Speaking personally - I enjoy dancing with beginners and I have never thought to myself 'I'm not dancing with her since she's only a beginner. It is always good to see how newbies blossom when given a little encouragement and see what they can achieve when dancing with a more experienced lead - and I find that this gives me lots of enjoyment. I get something different from dancing with less experienced follows, but I have had great dances with people that have been coming to MJ for only a week or two. This is different to what I get from dancing with an experienced follow but it is still very satisfying.

I will always remember my first lesson well.

After both beginner sessions, back in the low lights of the main hall, seeing all these talented people having the time of their lives on the dance floor, I'd give anything to be able to move half as well as them. I was SOOOOOOOOOOO pleased when a taxi came over and said; "Would you like to dance?". My face lit up. "I'd love to.", I replied.

I was chuffed that someone had asked me to dance. I was also dying to practice.

After the second track she said that she'd better dance with somebody else (!) (she was a superb taxi), but shortly after another lady asked me to dance, and she continued to dance with me for about FOUR tracks in a row -- endlessly repeating THREE moves! (She offered to continue after each track by the way!) - I'm pretty sure she would have continued further, but I needed a break! How lovely is that? She didnt work there, or have anything to do with the running of the venue. This practice made a big difference to me in the beginning I feel.

I'm having the absolute time of my life now, - and will ALWAYS remember the patience and empathy these two girls showed me that night. In a funny sort of way, I guess I feel a little sentimental about them! Sort of, - -grateful?? Not sure.

I still see them around the circuit and always love dancing with them, - it reminds me of my first night

Someone once told me, "The first venue you go to will always feel like home". I think there's some truth in that, - but for me, I would put more sentimental weight on those first couple of "freestyle" dances.

[frolicols]

I put "not good enough" as although I know all the beginner moves and have moved onto intermediate I don't feel I'm stylish enough with the moves that I know. I feel very robotic.

I also have a bit of a stigma asking more experienced follows to dance as I feel I will bore them with my limited and basic repertoire!

[dave the scaffolder]

Yes - if you're young and goodlooking, it can intimidate partners.

It's a curse I suffer from also

You are a very attractive man Mr Bailey.

Divna think we haven't noticed pet.

Because we have.


DTS XXX XXX

[Chef]

I put 'not good enough',

Hello Jo. I feel the same way even after this being my hobby for the last 10 years. Almost everyone wants to be a bit better than they were last week. It is a feeling that will probably never leave you but might not be such a strong feeling in the future.

I really do not like asking men to dance, and so far I don't, which isn't good because then I don't dance at all at freestyles unless a man asks me (which is usually never) so I miss out, but for some reason I seem to have a social block and I just can't put myself out there lol.

Don't worry about asking the men to dance. Asking for a dance in the MJ world means that you only want a dance. In a night club it may often mean more. In the MJ world you simply ask someone for a dance, enjoy that dance for what you can put into the experience for both of you at your current level of skill, at the end you simply thank your partner (since no matter what, they have tried their very best to entertain you), and go your seperate ways. I hope it is a social block that you can overcome - like most things that are new and unfamiliar, the first time is the hardest and it gets easier from there.

I don't know why I don't get asked though...I think the men know im a beginner and so I think they wont want to dance with me because I might follow wrong and they'll either have to change what they're doing or explain the move to me and it'll ruin their fun (that they could be having with more experienced dancers)

I have found that the most experienced dancers enjoy dancing with beginners. I like them very much because they come with no ingrained bad habits. Anything that goes wrong that is due to their own inexperience and inability, and my lack of not being able to lead well enough to mitigate this. I remember that they are trying their best, that their best will get better, and that they will learn nothing when their bum is on a seat. All dancers start from the same place and I try to never forget this.

I also sometimes think my age comes into it. I'm 21, but a lot of the guys are older in my class and I think they dont want to ask me in case I think they have another motive, if you know what I mean! But it's annoying really, 'cos I think I'm actually quite pretty (if I do say so myself lol) so it's like "Why don't you want to dance with me!!??" you should want to dance with me lmao

Being young and pretty in an enviroment where most of the leaders are much older can be a problem. My partner took her 23 year old pretty daughter to a dance. She got freaked out by the number of older (40+) men who were asking her to dance. We know there are some pervy men on the dance scene and we know who they are at our local venues. We were keeping an eye on her and these gentlemen were asking her to dance because they were the most able, kindly, and understanding dancers in the place, and we didn't veto any of them because we know them personally. She didn't see it that way. To her they were just old men. At that time she valued youth and didn't see that kindness could come from people of all ages.

So you can understand it from the mans point of view. Many will not ask the young pretty things to dance purely because they don't want to be percieved as asking (and by implication perving) every young pretty thing that comes through the door. Big tip here. Ask the Taxi dancers if there are any men that they could reccomend as being good for beginners. Ideally you shouldn't need to but it is a simple fact that some people have a better attitude to beginners than others. You will then need to ask them - this will put them at their ease.

It's the same when we have to line up for class, I always seem to be the 'space' as no man will come and stand opposite me, hmmmm....maybe I'M intimidating. It does add to my nervousness when it comes to asking them though as I'm thinking....you never ask me, or voluntarily partner up with me in class... which means you could possible turn me down, and although I have turned down a man or two (i was genuinely tired and didn't want to dance and I did say so in the most nicest way) I still couldnt bare it happening to me lol (i know i know double standards)...

Again it is the older man thing of not wanting to seem as if they are targetting the pretty young newcomers. Ask them to dance, become a familiar face, and all this will change.

The dance world sees a lot of new faces coming through the door each week. Most newcomers stick with it for 4-5 weeks and are never seen again. If you are an experienced dancer you understand that you need to provide a helpful and welcoming face for newcomers but to don't become instant friends with people who are most likely only going to be around another 3 weeks.

I do hope you stick with it Jo. Dancing has and still is a great source of joy (and some frustration) in my life over the last 10 years. I hope you can find as much fun as I have once you have overcome these initial difficulties.

[~Jo~]

Thanks Chef, your message has made me feel so much better !

I really love MJ so im sticking with it for life lol, and I'm going to work on my confidence, I dont want it getting in the way of me freestlying as thats the quickest way to improve my dancing.

I tried to change my body language at the last freestyle, no one asked me (doh!) but I did actually ask a man ...It was really daunting actually but he said yes! I still felt guilty the whole time that he only said yes out of politeness (after all, if people have it ingrained that saying 'no' is rude that means they'll say yes to me even if they don't want to!) but hopefully this feeling will go when I try it again (i am determined lol).

Jo x

[Lost Leader]

I think/hope you are right and it's nice to hear such sentiments from a lady who has danced a lot. Very encouraging. Thanks

[CJ]

Top answer...

The 2 things I wanted to reiterate from Chef's post:

1) We were all beginners once. One of the things that impresses me most about the MJ scene is the willingness, the want to bring on beginners, to help them out of that place we all have been.

2) Another thing I'm proud of (although there are exceptions and every club seems to know who they are) is that many of the guys, particularly the experienced guys, pride themselves on how safe MJ is: a dance is just a dance. Sometimes, in order to make it safe, we won't ask the youngest, prettiest newbie for fear of giving the wrong impression. Just as much as we don't want to perv, we also don't want the newbie to feel (even incorrectly) perved... and so we often go for the safer option.. of just not asking (at least first time) but we do come round eventually...

I hope this helps...

[Chef]

Thanks Chef, your message has made me feel so much better !

Hello Jo. Well that is what we are (most of the time) here for. It is often helpful to be able to understand the other persons point of view.

I really love MJ so im sticking with it for life lol, and I'm going to work on my confidence, I dont want it getting in the way of me freestlying as thats the quickest way to improve my dancing.

Lessons (IMO) is where you get to learn the feel and mechanics of the moves. Freestyle is a very different thing, and I feel, quite a bit harder. In freestyle a follower is entirely reactive to the moment and has no expectations to assit them to see ahead. The follower is highly dependant on the leaders abiltiy to transmit lead, and the follower needs to provide a frame (so the transmitted lead can be recieved by her body) and be responsible for her own balance.

Even when you are not dancing there are things you can practice (and get advice from other followers) about. So even if you are not actually freestyling there useful things that can be done.

I think of dance as having two parts. Individual skills such as frame, balance, spins and turns, ability to hear, read and understand the music. Partnership skills such as lead and follow, how to rescue yourself or your partner if things don't go to plan.

You have a lot of fun ahead of you.

I tried to change my body language at the last freestyle, no one asked me (doh!) but I did actually ask a man ...It was really daunting actually but he said yes!

I hope your surprise at people saying yes to dances has worn off by now.

I still felt guilty the whole time that he only said yes out of politeness (after all, if people have it ingrained that saying 'no' is rude that means they'll say yes to me even if they don't want to!) but hopefully this feeling will go when I try it again (i am determined lol).

Jo x

Perhaps they will say yes to you even if the don't really want to. Perhaps they were tired, thirsty, want to talk or dance with friends. The key thing is that they did say yes even thugh if they really objected they could say no.

Politeness and manners are not top of the public awareness but it is nice to know that they can be found. One day, when you are a highly experienced and able dancer you will be just as polite with new leaders even though you know they may bounce your hand in time with the music, push you off balance in spins, grip the back of your hand with their thumbs............

Forgive them their sins.

At the end of the dance just smile and thank them for they have done their very best and have been a whole lot more nervous about it than you would have been. You will go to your next dance remembering how you felt when you were at the same stage as them.

[fletch]

My insecurity is... I'm worried that I'm boring my follower. .

I get this said to me loads by men, the thing is men mostly lead unless they get me and cos of this its you getting board with yourself, how can we get board we proberbly have one or two dances with you we havn't got time to get boared, men seem to think they have to jazz it up to entertaint the follower, pearsonally I didagree, don't over complicate it.

guy's ask your regular dance partners, which moves do you like which ones don't you like, you will find we like and disslike simmilar moves add or discard as the case may be.

and this dosn't apply to you Martin your one of my top 10

[Twirly]

I put 'not good enough',

I really do not like asking men to dance, and so far I don't, which isn't good because then I don't dance at all at freestyles unless a man asks me (which is usually never) so I miss out, but for some reason I seem to have a social block and I just can't put myself out there lol.

I don't know why I don't get asked though...I think the men know im a beginner and so I think they wont want to dance with me because I might follow wrong and they'll either have to change what they're doing or explain the move to me and it'll ruin their fun (that they could be having with more experienced dancers)

I also sometimes think my age comes into it. I'm 21, but a lot of the guys are older in my class and I think they dont want to ask me in case I think they have another motive, if you know what I mean! But it's annoying really, 'cos I think I'm actually quite pretty (if I do say so myself lol) so it's like "Why don't you want to dance with me!!??" you should want to dance with me

Firstly, I think that this not getting asked happens to almost all women, regardless of age, shape or dance ability, at some point. You are young and pretty so can blame that, I’m older and overweight, so I’ll blame that! See, you can never win. It’s one of the mysteries of the dance scene. As such, don’t take it so personally.

As for not asking guys to dance, some good advice has been given here already. But do ask. I’ve been through this stage too, and I got over it initially by asking guys who had previously asked me at least a couple of times. My logic was that since they’d asked me more than once, they must get something out of dancing with me and therefore wouldn’t mind being asked. Once I got comfortable with this, I would then make myself ask at least one stranger a night. I moved slowly out of my comfort zone. From there, I progressed to asking people I felt intimidated by as they are fabulous dancers… still struggle a bit with that one, but I’m working on it. And some nights are better than other – I feel more confident and can ask, others I feel like a mouse and hide in the corner, not asking. Enjoy the former and don’t worry if you get one of the latter occasionally. It’ll pass.

Also, put yourself in the guy’s shoes. If he’s asked you a few times, but you haven’t asked him back, then how does that make him feel? Surely, if you liked dancing with him, you’d have asked him in return? But you haven’t… so that can only mean that you don’t like dancing with him and he’d better not ask you again.

I get this said to me loads by men, the thing is men mostly lead unless they get me and cos of this its you getting board with yourself, how can we get board we proberbly have one or two dances with you we havn't got time to get boared, men seem to think they have to jazz it up to entertaint the follower, pearsonally I didagree, don't over complicate it.

guy's ask your regular dance partners, which moves do you like which ones don't you like, you will find we like and disslike simmilar moves add or discard as the case may be.

It’s a 3 or 4 minute dance. How bored can I get?

(Now Beo, don’t take that as permission to do yoyo’s all night! )

[bigdjiver]

... Also, put yourself in the guy’s shoes. If he’s asked you a few times, but you haven’t asked him back, then how does that make him feel? Surely, if you liked dancing with him, you’d have asked him in return? But you haven’t… so that can only mean that you don’t like dancing with him and he’d better not ask you again. ...

Every once in a while, when there are een-ish numbers, I have a Lady's invitation night where I just wait to be asked. It is very good for unswelling the head and giving me the "must try harder" feeling. I do find out who really likes dancing with me that way though, and that is sometimes surprising.

[fletch]

It’s a 3 or 4 minute dance. How bored can I get?

(Now Beo, don’t take that as permission to do yoyo’s all night! )

I have one lovely guy in the Midlands that only has one move, honest, truly, just one, but I quite like dancing with him, well I allways dance with him when I see him cos I know whats coming it give me a chalenge to put swivvels and slids and things in

if he's not getting his sketch book out of his back pocket, he's a nice guy. bless