Q. What happens if you play blues music backwards?Originally posted by DavidB
I'm not a great fan of blues
A. Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
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HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning . . . ."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. "Walkin'" plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die."
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, because the lighting is all wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jail house
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink, especially those with a straw
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
d. Any drink with an umbrella in it
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a great blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment or through complications with rhinoplasty.
16. Some Blues names for Women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Chad, Skippy, Sidney, Sierra, Sequoia, or Tiffany will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Feel free to mix and match.
David
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