If Architects Had To Work Like Web Developers

[Lou]

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminium, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminium, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the lounge should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my orginal Victorian iron cast fireplace.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the colour of the carpet.

However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be ready for moving in within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbour's house that he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a mobile home. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case..

[azande]

It makes me go back to when I used to do graphic design!!!!

Thanks for lightening up my day.

[Gadget]

Hey, don't laugh: I've had clients looking to build extensions that go along very similar lines
we want an extension
where?
on our house
out the back, in the attic, on top of the garage... where?
I don't know - that's why I came to you.
OK what do you want to use it for?
Well it could be a sunlounge, but able to be used as an additional bedroom, and we are re-modeling our kitchen; it needs to incorprate that as well.
And what's your budget?
I thought you were going to tell me how much it would cost.

Clients.

[Dreadful Scathe]

nice one Lou and Gadget. Peoples expectations for things like that are often hilarious.

interesting stories...

[drathzel]

Hey, don't laugh: I've had clients looking to build extensions that go along very similar lines
we want an extension
where?
on our house
out the back, in the attic, on top of the garage... where?
I don't know - that's why I came to you.
OK what do you want to use it for?
Well it could be a sunlounge, but able to be used as an additional bedroom, and we are re-modeling our kitchen; it needs to incorprate that as well.
And what's your budget?
I thought you were going to tell me how much it would cost.

Clients.

I work in construction/property development and there are actually people out there who are like that!!!!!!!!!