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Thread: Bogus Devil's Advocate

  1. #1
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    Bogus Devil's Advocate

    A friend emailed this to me today. It is, of course, a spoof. The real Official Devil's Advocate is right here on the Forum and would have posted here first. Anyhow, it passed a few minutes and does make interesting reading. Especially the last bit about vegetarians.

    THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
    11:00 - 05 May 2004

    Having Your post drop through the letterbox of a morning should be one of life's great certainties. Like crumpets for tea, old ladies on bicycles and baseball cap-wearing scrotes pumping high-volume rap music from their customised Vauxhall Astras, the Royal Mail has always been one of those great British institutions that we take for granted.Yes, most of it will be junk mail offering you everything from conservatories to limitless credit cards, and the rest will all be bills, but occasionally a real letter or card slips through the net and what a joy that is.The happy whistle of the jolly postie as he wanders down the rose-strewn garden path, the anticipation as you open the envelope at the breakfast table laden with a full English, the trip to the Post Office to cash in the postal order, the shiny new half-a-crown you receive in return - Err, hang on. Reality check. These days the happy whistling postie is more likely to be a Lithuanian bricklayer who's only been in the country for three days, you'll not be reading your letter over breakfast because it won't be delivered until mid-afternoon, and there won't be any postal order because the thieves in the sorting office will already have nicked it, along with any credit cards, CDs or books they come across. And that's only if the work-shy layabouts aren't on strike in the first place.According to consumer group Postwatch, over 14 million letters and packages simply disappeared in the postal system last year. Six million items were stolen or damaged (but don't worry, because according to bosses there were 300 prosecutions) and another 8.5 million were lost or delivered to the wrong address.People missed hospital appointments, companies lost vital business and holidaymakers found themselves with no passports.So is there any hope for this once-great institution? Well, despite being crap, it still managed to lose £1.8 billion over the last two years, so probably not. Such ineptitude at such huge cost. Best privatise it now and let it slip into the public service black hole that swallowed the r a i lw ay s.I bet Postman Pat is turning in his grave. That's if he's not treating Mrs Goggins to a "special delivery".I DON'T understand politicians.This Government, having sensibly relaxed the licensing laws during the last few years and with further changes in the pipeline, suddenly panics and starts bleating about the dangers of "binge drinking".Perhaps someone could explain to me what "binge drinking" is? Surely the whole idea of drinking is that you take yourself to the licensed premises of your choice and then proceed to consume as much alcohol as your wallet, your liver and the clock allows?Does anyone still slip out at nine o'clock for a couple of halves of mild and a bag of nuts? Of course not. If you're going to drink, you do it properly.Anyway, mindful of this new threat to society, and following a rather heavy weekend, I decided to give the boozer a miss on Bank Holiday Monday afternoon. The problem is, what's the alternative?I managed to convince Mrs Beelzebub that despite being Swedish, IKEA strictly observe the May Day Bank Holiday. I'm mercifully banned from all branches of B &Q following an unfortunate incident involving a brain-dead check-out girl and a rotary drier and it was clearly too wet to mow the lawn. (The next-door neighbours had even started building an ark. ) So an indolent afternoon in front of the telly it was then. And what did the BBC have to offer in the way of entertainment? The Women's FA Cup Final. The cat has never bounced off the 48-inch plasma screen so hard.Why do they persevere with this stupid, politically-correct premise that women can play football? It's blindingly obvious that they can't.They can't run, they can't tackle, they can't head, they can't shoot - and on a muddy pitch they could hardly get the ball in from the corner flag to the penalty area.I wouldn't mind too much if the spectacle was eye candy in a beach volleyball sort of way, but most of them are munters, dykes, jolly hockey sticks tom-boys or midgets with fat backsides. (It was surely serendipity that The Battle of the Bulge was on the other side. Does my bum look big in this? Too right. ) Add to that a shrieking squealing crowd, comedy deflections, inept goalkeeping, a complete and utter ignorance of the offside law and a female ref who had a face like a blind cobbler's thumb and who nagged, nagged, nagged all the way through the match, is it any wonder I was in the boozer downing a swift Buckfast and Vimto by quarter to three?SO ARE those pictures of British soldiers abusing a prisoner in Iraq real?From the moment I first saw them I thought not. They're too good, too focused. And that's before we get onto the list of 20 inconsistencies regarding uniforms, rifles, webbing, boots, the lorry, the shirt the "prisoner" was wearing and the strange case of a black and white digital camera.So why did The Mirror print them?The editor, a chap called Piers Morgan, must have known that they would echo around the Arabic world and that some parties would use them as an excuse to attack Brits abroad. Is it really worth being an accomplice in the deaths of Our Boys just to sell a few more newspapers?Mr Morgan obviously thinks so.On top of this disastrous blow to morale comes sadly predictable news from home. For the first time, the massed ranks of Ministry of Defence pen-pushers now outnumber those of front-line troops. Yep, we now pay for 110,000 MoD civil servants compared to Army personnel of 103,900. I bet that will go down well in the back streets of Basra.Just as in the NHS, where "managers" outnumber not just doctors and nurses but the actual number of hospital beds available, the Blah Project continues apace.Worried about being re-elected? Just create well-paid jobs, funded by the taxpayer, for people who will have to put their X in the right box if they want to stay employed. Turkeys don't vote for Christmas, folks.I'M CONFUSED again. The Government discourages competitive sport because it is elitist and "no one deserves to be a loser". It continues the Tory policy of selling off school playing fields to property developers. PE lessons are replaced with sex education for five-year-olds. They encourage teaching unions to abandon supervision of Saturday morning football. And then they suddenly notice that we're raising a generation of porkers?What on earth did they expect? Our lard-arsed children sit around their PlayStations, eating microwave pizza and oven chips, not allowed to play outside because there's a paedophile on every corner, and banned from the swings in the local park in case they fall off and then summon Claims Direct.Have you been to Florida, Land of the Elasticated Waist? That's where we're heading. Huge people having heart attacks all over the show before they reach their 21st birthday. Do yourself a favour. Tie your 12-stone ten-year-old behind your car and run him around the block before it's too late.A SCHOOL in Bristol has banned an eight-year-old boy from bringing sun cream into the playground. The boy's mother, whose family has suffered from skin cancer, says her "pale skinned, freckly, ginger-haired son" was prone to sunburn in hot weather and accused the school of putting his health at risk.Predictably, the school cites "health and safety guidelines" for banning the cream: "We do not allow pupils to bring any medication into school as they could constitute a risk to other children who may get it in their eyes or try to swallow it, " the headmistress says.Well I'm sorry, but this persecution of Gingers has gone far enough. If they were Lithuanian bricklayers, they'd be free to slap on the Factor 60 willy nilly. But just because they're British, and differently-coloured, we stake them out to burn like ants under a magnifying glass.At least there are signs that the Red Head Community is starting to stand up for itself. When poor little Chesney was abandoned at the Coronation Street bus stop ("You know what happens to odd-looking gingers who are taken into care") it was fellow copper-top Rita Sullivan who took him in.In fact, thinking about it, isn't Postman Pat "strawberry blonde" with "fairy kisses"?The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of any men who wear white socks with black shoes, of any men who carry their children around in front-facing papooses, or of any vegetarians who "only eat chicken and fish". What? You stupid, posturing, touchy-feely fools.

  2. #2
    Registered User ChrisA's Avatar
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    Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by Andy McGregor
    It is, of course, a spoof.
    Of course. You want the Real McCoy version of this - get the Daily Mail any day of the week.

    Chris

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    Re: Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by ChrisA
    Of course. You want the Real McCoy version of this - get the Daily Mail any day of the week.

    Chris
    You Tory girl


    ..or is that me?

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    Registered User ChrisA's Avatar
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    Re: Re: Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by Andy McGregor
    You Tory girl
    Franck.... Frannnnnnnnnnckkkkkkkk......

    Can you ban this man, he's being personally abusive again....


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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by ChrisA
    Franck.... Frannnnnnnnnnckkkkkkkk......

    Can you ban this man, he's being personally abusive again....

    I don't think Franck will understand. Do they have The Mail in Scotland, they certainly don't have Tories

    But they do have some lovely girls

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    Papa Smurf
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    I agree with Chris, its like reading a Daily Mail article but funny. I've seen far stupider comments in many papers.

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    Omnipresent Administrator Franck's Avatar
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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by Andy McGregor
    I don't think Franck will understand. Do they have The Mail in Scotland, they certainly don't have Tories
    Good point, though we do have the Mail, and very scary it is... I can never tell if the people buy it because they are narrow minded bigots or if the paper's editorial turns them that way...
    We're back to who came first... the chicken or the egg?
    Re. not having any tories in Scotland, we can dream, but I find they are a bit like weed, you might think you've eradicated, but shouldn't get complacent, they have an uncanny ability to survive and spread.
    Originally posted by Andy McGregor
    But they do have some lovely girls
    On that, no argument, there are lovely girls all over the world, but Scotland has the highest concentration
    Franck.

    There's an A.P.P. for that!

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    Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bogus Devil's Advocate

    Originally posted by Franck
    but Scotland has the highest concentration
    Second highest I think. Sussex has the highest concentration

  9. #9
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    And Essex the lowest concentration?

    Or is that Essex girls have the lowest concentration?!?


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