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Thread: This made me Laugh!!

  1. #1
    Registered User Tazmanian Devil's Avatar
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    This made me Laugh!!

    Someone e-mailed me this, I thought it was quite funny.


    The Lesson - For Her

    Arrive at venue. Join the queue. Wait five minutes. Move on 22 ladies!
    The first guy doesn’t not agree with the use of aftershave or deodorant! [Mental note to avoid him later]. Next has sweaty hands [and body].
    He leaves you feeling wet and sticky. Give the next man a hug to dry hands on his back [they’re still sticky though]. Tall & shy [but married] he’s pleased by you’re actions. [Must dance with him later].

    Back to seats. Gossip. Mark men out of 10. See who to avoid in line up. “Move round 15” [that’s better]. You get ‘Milk Tray Man’ [Dam]. Dressed in black. Tells you teacher is crap, you’re doing the move wrong, you’re too fat/thin, short/tall and your clothes don’t suit you’re figure!

    Fuming you move on reflecting that you’re prepared to rub bodies with some men on the dance floor you normally cross the street to avoid! Within the next 10minutes you get Mr. halitosis, the hand stroker, letch, groper, someone with BO, a bad aftershave addict and the floor gazer.
    The lady next to you gets the nice guys and is highly amused. You’re not!

    Then it’s ‘Martin’ drop dead gorgeous. You really fancy him. According to gossip, he’s single, and, you’re just his type. Give him a kiss, hug and squeeze. He tells you his new girlfriend could be your double [Men!]
    No eye contact with the next guy, he’s mesmerised by your cleavage.
    You start talking about his bald spot. He looks up. [Then down again].

    Your friend goes to the cloakroom. Naturally, you accompany her.
    Both complain that there aren’t many men, especially good lookers. The halls too cold/hot and you’re wearing the wrong dress! Check hair, lipstick, straighten clothes, and adjust underwear. Back to the lesson.

    Watch the lady on stage. It’s unfair. She’s attractive, a good dancer & has a perfect figure? You wish you’d worn something less tight. Bored mentally undress the teacher, shudder at the thought. Stop. See someone wearing red & black shoes. Look up. Legs seem ok, tight bum, great body. [That’s better]. Mentally disrobe him. He senses your stare & turns round. He‘s even better from the front! Make eye contact, & smile. [If only!] You are wet and sticky again. It’s the last time through. You end up in front of the tall shy guy. In one quick sentence he admires your dress, hair, shoes, and figure, tells you he thinks you are great. Asks you for a date. Speechless. Your opinion of him has really changed. Pause to consider his wife you smile and say….




    The Lesson – For Him

    In the line up. [Mentally] Young free and single [you’re on your own tonight so that’s almost the same]. Surrounded by ladies that like dancing with you. [Wishing that learnt to dance sooner]. They move 18 ladies round. Good odds. Say hi as they walk round. Special smile for the ones you secretly fancy [or you think fancy you]. Your latest ‘ex’ is in front of you. Exchange glares and little else. “Move on 22 ladies” [great]. Next Two beginners then a vision of beauty, you instantly fancy her. Imagination goes into overdrive.

    Seeing the next move your jaw drops nearly as far as the lady on stage! You haven’t a clue how to do this one. The beauty does! She throws herself into it with great gusto. You are still looking at the stage puzzled.
    Her squeal breaks the rhythm of the class. All are looking silently at you.
    Turning red [somehow you are holding on to her leg], you help her get up.
    You comment about her falling for you. She smiles and limps off.

    Next is Lin who declines the move. Her back’s bad! Move on. It’s a talker. You only hear every 3rd word as she spins round but that doesn’t deter her. Lin’s back has recovered. She is now throwing herself into ‘that move’.
    The lesson continues. You get 2 good dancers you’ve never met before,
    A stick insect who thinks she is overweight, someone who invites you to her party. [You accept].

    A Lindy dancer who seems to be on a different beat, a size 12-lady wearing size 10 clothes. Plus 4 ladies [One you have known for a year] who all know your name. You can’t remember theirs. You smile to yourself. Where else, could you meet so many great looking ladies, dance together [sometimes really closely. You can’t remember [or don’t know] their names. Then they say “Thank you” and move on!

    They are teaching a body hold-wiggle. Your wiggle looks like a lump of Jell-O on matchsticks. This doesn’t bother your next lady. She wraps her body around you & executes a squeeze that would make a Python envious. Next is a bossy lady who’s been dancing for weeks!! Apparently the men have got the routine wrong, stand to close to the ladies & have no timing. She moves on. The guy next to you smiles. You comment about some ladies having a correlation between hair colour and brain cells. He informs you that the bossy lady is his Wife. Then agrees with you.


  2. #2
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    I believe the author may be Peter of "Drop in 'n' Jive".

  3. #3
    Registered User Tazmanian Devil's Avatar
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    Originally posted by bigdjiver
    I believe the author may be Peter of "Drop in 'n' Jive".

    It may well be. At the bottom of the e-mail it said happy dancing Peter so probly.

  4. #4
    Yup this is one of mine
    this was also part of it

    “May I have the next dance please?” - For Ladies

    The dance is in full swing. A guy is heading you’re way [great]. He walks straight past you to the lady with great legs who has not missed a single dance all night, She declines. So he selects his second choice [you]. Knowing his repertoire off by heart. He takes you to the most crowded part of the floor, or stops right in front of the speaker and starts talking about a new move he’s invented and what a fantastic dancer the last lady was. [You discover he had garlic for dinner.] Finally he starts dancing to the ‘off beat’. First move, yoyo, sway, first move, yoyo, catapult, etc.

    This sets the pattern for the whole dance. He is constantly looking over your shoulder either ‘talent spotting’, or trying to copy whatever the guy next to him is doing. Then he tries his new move.
    A double arm break pretzel. [Emphasis on the am break!] You shudder with pain. He reminds you the man leads and lady follows! Mutter. ”Lead it properly and I will!” The next dancer’s T-shirt is covered in sweat. He does move which soaks you’re body, arms and hand. You’re getting annoyed now. He leads you to his front; moves in so close you know he is VERY pleased to be there! This is the final straw. Make a comment about having two p___ks behind you and send him flying with a bum thrust. Now he’s ignoring you looking for his next victim [sorry dance partner.]

    You thought that dance would never end. You find a friend. Head for the ladies, wash your hands, have a moan, catch up on gossip. A group of ladies enter. One has a hideous dress. You tell her it looks great. Another is wearing the same outfit as you. You don’t speak. Someone is cursing the ladder in her tights. The rest are consoling a friend who’s hysterical because, apparently her shy husband asked another lady out! You leave. Return to the hall. A guy asks if you’ve seen ’Fiona’ as it’s his favourite record and she is a great dancer [Inferring your not!] You say “no” Left on the edge of the floor [fuming again]. Next guy just wants to chat. Ten minutes later he’s still talking. Then asks another lady to dance! Everyone is ignoring you. Then two men come up at once. The one you pick wants to practice routine from the lesson. ]. By the end of the record he still hasn’t got it right. The other one who s now dancing with another lady, is brilliant [Dam

    There is a guy watching [who is covered in sweat] & can’t take his eyes off you. He waits on the side for a dance. It’s a slow record. He leads you into a seducer. You think he’s ok and smile at him. He gazes into your eyes with that ’I'm up for it look’ whilst his sweat drips on you! [Yuk]
    Next is Mr. Cantdance. He’s been on the circuit for years and is useless. He seems to have total disregard for the music. Without warning he stops to ask, “how you’ve just done that move”. He invites you to an advanced workshop! You turn white! Fortunately the record ends. Head outside

    It’s cabaret time. They are really good. You wish you could spin like her. The show is over.
    The cabaret star is asking for a dance. Suddenly you have forgotten how to dance. He is very good. Effortlessly leading new moves you’re in heaven. Then he asks if you’re a beginner [Dam].

    The evening continues. Nothing’s going right. Then it gets worse. Heading you’re way is ‘the gripper.’ He admires your earrings. You hate his shirt. You’d prefer to go to the zoo than dance with him, but accept. [Dance ethics]. Now this guy can’t dance and thinks your wrist is a swivel joint. Every turn is done with him firmly holding your hand! He must know it hurts but that doesn’t stop him. He starts with triple spins and double pretzels! [Ouch!] Back in the chair you’re wrist hurts. You are fed up. You have danced with all the creeps and managed to ruin the only good dance of the night. You’re dress is soaked in sweat [none of it yours]. You want to go home.

    Finally it’s the last record. Surprise surprise, you are the only lady not dancing. Your friend is having a great time with the cabaret star. [Dam!] There are only two men available. Milk tray man and the guy from the lesson. [With body and bum]. First time you have seen him since lesson. Milk tray man’ is heading your way. There is no way you are going to dance with that!
    You’re just thinking to yourself “What’s Salsa like?” Then it all changes…




    “May I have the next dance please?”- For Guys

    You’re dancing with a group of onlookers watching! Go through your repertoire of moves. For a finale you whisk your partner around the floor [wishing she could keep up] into a ‘triple squat lean surprise’. Unfortunately the music finishes before your move does. You feel silly. Not that that matters. There’s is a ripple of applause from the onlookers. You beam back a smile, only to realise they were engrossed in the man behind you!! He’s wearing the clothes only seen on really good dancers & asks your lady for a dance who eagerly accepts. Watching them dance, you decide if he can…... Grabbing an onlooker [who seems reluctant]. You try to imitate. Look and feel like a robot on a banana skin, [Partner is not amused]. Resume own style, move to different part of dance floor.

    You are near a table full of ladies. Dance with them all in turn. Save the last pair for ‘double trouble’ [why does the lady on the left always seem to get it wrong]. They tell you they all like dancing with you as you have such an unusual style! You get their phone numbers.

    The prowler. [Stalking the edge of the dance floor]. This one is keen on eye contact. [Whatever direction you turn she’s staring directly into your eyes]. Her music interpretation is extensive. Plenty of breaks, pauses shimmies wiggles. Wish you knew what record she was dancing to? You don’t ask for a second dance or her phone no. The next dance is fast. Ask two ladies both say no.

    Make your way to the bar. You reach the counter and catch the barman’s eye. A voice asks you to dance. It’s the vision of beauty from the lesson, she now sees the funny side of being left on the floor [Is there a funny side?] Accepting [and handing the bar-man back his eye] you start dancing. A bit uneasy at firs but it goes ok. To your surprise she asks for another [and another]. Give it your best. The dance’s end. Ask for her number. She offers you her husbands mobile. [You decline].

    Time to change the T-shirt. Head to the gents. Alone [men never ask friends to go with them]. Three ladies ask you for a dance on the way [although you have got you’re dance bag in hand]. Halfway there you hear you’re favourite track start up [Dam]. Change shirt, say hi to the other guys, Engage in interesting conversation. [Men never gossip]. Return to the hall. Bars empty. Order an orange juice. [How Much!] Then you spot Helga [I really hope there is not a Helga reading this!]. She is keen on keep fit. When she takes your hand, you wince in pain.
    Helga’s a very good dancer with the ability to lead or follow & knows some great moves. And will dances them regardless of her partner. You lead for 70% of the dance. She leads 30%. It ends with a perfectly timed seducer [How did she get you into that position?].

    The night continues. You’ve got three new phone numbers. Spot a beginner. Seems nervous but lively. She tells you that she saw you dancing with Helga. Thought you looked great together! Annoyed. You increase tempo. BIG mistake. She’s short on talent high on enthusiasm. The remainder of the dance is spent trying to control her and protect others from her flaying body [Whatever she does it’ your fault. The man leads!]. You stand on the edge of the floor for a rest and to watch other dancers. A regular [dance] partners grabs your hand. Of you go again. Rest over. The DJ plays a blues/swing track. Plenty of scope for music interpretation. Ask the lady with black and white shoes [she must be good]. She is. You soon feel surplus to requirements. Plenty of wiggling, shimmying, and strutting. You’ve been to workshops for this stuff. So pull her in close, and gently sway to the music. You feel her leg wrap around you and she drops back. That’s better.

    Time to people watch. Two dancers are having a really great time – he’s 20 she’s 40. You see three ex girlfriends! The bossy lady with husband in tow – he follows her lead well. The stick insect looks and dances great. [Must get her phone no.] An older guy’s doing loads of sleazy moves with a young girl. [No surprise there!] Then there are the regular’s who seem to be at every dance

    Last record. No ladies left, except the one talking to ‘Milk tray man’. [He really is a…..] He walks of alone. She is still sitting there. Pause to Check your red & black shoes and walk over. Recognise her from the lesson. She looks fantastic. [How did you miss her all night.]? But can she dance? Yes! She is a fantastic dancer who seems to ‘float’! How could being so good be made to look so easy! The records over but you’re still dancing. You offer her YOUR phone number. She accepts!
    HAPPY DANCING Peter

    Keep meaning to do another....a view from the stage

  5. #5
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    Thanks for sharing. I wanted to post links to those other pieces but was wary of copyright issues.

    The view from the stage would be welcome. ("They're all out of step but oor Jock"?)

  6. #6
    The 'lesson for her/him' and 'may I have the next dance please'
    Started off with milktray man - who is real

    At the time one of my female taxi dancers went to a local dance (organised by a lady who I think may have taken me off her christmas card list recently )

    This taxi dancer is a great young dancer, had a job lookin after horses or something and was over 12 stone, a really great person

    So she dances with this guy [dressed in black] when dance is over he sits next to her and makes the following comment to her
    "You know you are a good dancer but really should loose some weight" She points out that she is happy with her size and helps with her job, undetered he sits and argues the point with her, she did not know whether to cry or hit him - Know which one I would have liked to have seen.
    The guy is a pain...
    He always rekons he knows the move better than the teacher and once told a new beginner in my class "you will never make a dancer" I banned him, dont like rude men or gropers at my venue.
    I was so incenced when I heard the above storey I started an Email to a friend about it - it sort of ended up as the above storey line.
    Many of the charecters are real
    'Martin' is in oz
    And lady that floats I danced with at Camber, never found out her name but a dance I will always remember.
    The first draft was so cynical that I had to tone it down a lot (wish I had kept the original version)
    I had a 1000 copies printed and put them out at Camber.
    peter
    Last edited by Lounge Lizard; 28th-January-2004 at 01:05 PM.

  7. #7
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    Originally posted by Lounge Lizard


    “May I have the next dance please?” - For Ladies

    The dance is in full swing. A guy is heading you’re way [great]. He walks straight past you to the lady with great legs who has not missed a single dance all night, She declines. So he selects his second choice [you].
    Damn but this guy gets around. Does it to me all the time!

  8. #8
    Anyone care to describe a dancer suitable for the next effort....
    perhaps the sniffer, or miss no knickers.....you know what I mean,
    Describe a dancer/charecter you have encountered or even immagined please
    peter

  9. #9
    Registered User Piglet's Avatar
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    Re: This made me Laugh!!

    Just came across this thread and it is a gem - well worth resurrecting methinks - thanx to TD and LL for brightening up my Sunday!

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