Refusals - A spin off from the Cerocport review thread

[Dreadful Scathe]

err...does blues dance involve sexual intercourse or something ?

[Gav]

Just what was L thinking about?
Have I interpreted someone sinister that didn't exist?
Opinions please.

err...does blues dance involve sexual intercourse or something ?

Get over yourself Dep, Blues is just Blues. If you can't differentiate between Blues, up close and personal, and down and dirty, then you're the one with the problem.
If there's a 14 year-old in the blues room, it's a fair bet that one or both of her parents are aware and not far away.

[CJ]

Blues is just Blues. If you can't differentiate between Blues, up close and personal, and down and dirty, then you're the one with the problem.
If there's a 14 year-old in the blues room, it's a fair bet that one or both of her parents are aware and not far away.

[Mini Mac]

Must say I am with CJ Tiger Pants and Frolly on this one. Wear what you like if certain women do not want to dance with you, who cares?

very good dts wear what you want which is why i havent tried begging him to get rid of his sequinned shirt!


im currently having the problem where one of my aunts keeps telling me what i shoud be wearing. if its in fashion and i like it and i feel it looks good on me il damn well wear it. im nearly 18 i want to look good before its too late..

[Mini Mac]

but going back to the main thread about refusals i hate refusing unless it is a very dangerous dancer or an excruicatiningly annoying one! Sometimes however when i try to refuse they grab me anyway and i dont have the heart to be nasty or walk away.

a perfect example is a young guy who goes to stevenage (some of the metro crew and ijig lot will know him) i wont mention his name, he does have a visbile behavior problem but when he dances with me he just talks and talks and talks. i mean its fine to maybe have an odd convo here and there for a dance but what he says just makes me want to drop on the floor and fall asleep!

also because hes too busy talking or disrupting the lesson he doesnt learn and the other week we were learning hook dips and because he wasnt paying attention he completely abandoned what amy was telling us about how to support the woman, and he just dipped his girl dropped her and started screaming the place down.


i have tried to say i need the loo, or go to the bar and look like im buying a drink but he is unstoppable and will still grab me which i find quite rude but again i dont have the heart to say no.

[Dreadful Scathe]

i have tried to say i need the loo, or go to the bar and look like im buying a drink but he is unstoppable and will still grab me which i find quite rude but again i dont have the heart to say no.

I suggest a pepper spray

[Twirly]

i have tried to say i need the loo, or go to the bar and look like im buying a drink but he is unstoppable and will still grab me which i find quite rude but again i dont have the heart to say no.

That is not acceptable behaviour! Sounds like you're being far too nice to this guy - which is probably why he keeps coming back and being insistent on dancing with you. No means no.

[Dreadful Scathe]

Not all the time...sometimes no means f--- off

[Double Trouble]

Not all the time...sometimes no means f--- off

....sometimes "no" means "yes...but only when you've spent at least an hour working it baby.....oh and it helps if you can breathe through your ears?"

[Mini Mac]

That is not acceptable behaviour! Sounds like you're being far too nice to this guy - which is probably why he keeps coming back and being insistent on dancing with you. No means no.

the thing is he is quite obviously autistic so i dont think he understands the word no....i dont want to be cruel as i am quite respected at stevenage and liked and if i was rude to this man then that could make me look bad.

[Mini Mac]

Not all the time...sometimes no means f--- off

oh DS how i wish i could but i dont think hed understand, hes autistic.

[emmylou25]

the thing is he is quite obviously autistic so i dont think he understands the word no....i dont want to be cruel as i am quite respected at stevenage and liked and if i was rude to this man then that could make me look bad.

I'm with Twirly - it sounds like you're just too nice. Why don't you get someone from the venue crew to have a quiet word to suggest how he can improve his 'approach' and what people want when they dance with him. Then you aren't seen as rude, but have tried to put a stop to his behaviour. There may also be other people who've complained.

[Cruella]

the thing is he is quite obviously autistic so i dont think he understands the word no....i dont want to be cruel as i am quite respected at stevenage and liked and if i was rude to this man then that could make me look bad.

If he really is Autistic you are completely wrong. He will understand No. What he won't understand is body language and hints that you don't want to dance with him. If has Autism you need to be exact in your conversation, tell him exactly what you do or don't want. If you want to dance with him occasionally but don't want him talking all the way through the dance then say exactly that.
I'm not too sure how you know he is 'obviously Autistic'? I would be cautious about diagnosing people on a public forum if I were you.

[Mini Mac]

yes u r right i shouldnt diagnose but people have told me who have met his mum and dad etc and he has got autism. he covers his ears in all the lesson and always looks like hes talking on the phone when hes not, he has certain obsessions with eurovision, olympics and foreign countries and their flags and language. and acts very childish (etc) one night at ijig he rushed around drawing pictures and showing the teachers like they were really art teachers. i dont mind dancing with him if he doesnt talk all the way through about eurovision but its when he does the same moves and if you refuse to do a dip or drop he automatically ignores it and puts you into a dip and nearly breaks your back! i dont want to get him banned because of his behavior problems and it wouldnt be fair but i dont enjoy dancing with him and cant do the classes incase hes in one and he can be very difficult in the classes.

[Easily Led]

I'm nearly 18 i want to look good before its too late..

...you mean I've just been wasting my time all these years?

I know what you mean, but I don't think it'll be "too late" anytime soon - there's no reason why you shouldn't look good for decades, albeit that what you wear in order to look good is going to change a little.

[Dreadful Scathe]

oh DS how i wish i could but i dont think hed understand, hes autistic.

I know a few autistic children well. (I don't know any autistic adults though) As Cruella says he will understand no, how he handles the rejection is a different thing, but really, that's not your problem. You clearly have to give a definite "no i do not want to dance with you".

[Spartak Lad]

yes u r right i shouldnt diagnose but people have told me who have met his mum and dad etc and he has got autism. he covers his ears in all the lesson and always looks like hes talking on the phone when hes not, he has certain obsessions with eurovision, olympics and foreign countries and their flags and language. and acts very childish (etc) one night at ijig he rushed around drawing pictures and showing the teachers like they were really art teachers. i dont mind dancing with him if he doesnt talk all the way through about eurovision but its when he does the same moves and if you refuse to do a dip or drop he automatically ignores it and puts you into a dip and nearly breaks your back! i dont want to get him banned because of his behavior problems and it wouldnt be fair but i dont enjoy dancing with him and cant do the classes incase hes in one and he can be very difficult in the classes.

Hiya,

Having worked with autism, I would echo most of what Cruella and Dreadful Scathe have said. What I would add is sympathy for those who find it difficult to be around people with autism and confusion in terms of how to act around them.

It's also very brave for people with autism to dance in the first place as freestyle dancing is such a subtle art of interpretation and communication with the person you are dancing with. So it's not surprising that he probably dances the way he would communicate in other ways, repeating moves.

That said I think the vast majority of us men struggle to dance, lead, connect well with our partner so it must be multiple times more difficult for somebody with autism.

As has been said before, autistics struggle with the art of subtle cues and hints. In the world of dancing where this is so important, the thing is that sometimes us neurotypical guys didn't get the hint, how much more difficult can it be for autistic guys.

All the best with this one,

[Cruella]

yes u r right i shouldnt diagnose but people have told me who have met his mum and dad etc and he has got autism. he covers his ears in all the lesson and always looks like hes talking on the phone when hes not, he has certain obsessions with eurovision, olympics and foreign countries and their flags and language. and acts very childish (etc) one night at ijig he rushed around drawing pictures and showing the teachers like they were really art teachers. i dont mind dancing with him if he doesnt talk all the way through about eurovision but its when he does the same moves and if you refuse to do a dip or drop he automatically ignores it and puts you into a dip and nearly breaks your back! i dont want to get him banned because of his behavior problems and it wouldnt be fair but i dont enjoy dancing with him and cant do the classes incase hes in one and he can be very difficult in the classes.

When you say you refuse to do a drop, do you mean you don't follow the drop or you verbally say no to doing it? You need to say to him that he must not do the drops and show him which moves you mean. He won't even pick up on a non verbal refusal which is why he would carry on with the move. Unfortunately the obsessions are likely to be part of his conversation what ever you talk to him about, so just ask him to not talk when he dances. He needs to have the etiquette of not talking in class explained to him, although that still may not work when he sees that the other dancers are talking during the class (and plenty do!) therefore will model their behaviour. I work with an Autistic child and it can be very difficult for those without any training or real knowledge of Autism to understand why the person with Autism does the things they do. Just remember, this guy is trying to have some social interaction, which is a massive step for anyone with Autism.

[Lory]

Here's a good thread, started by Ducasi, discussing aspects of Autism http://www.cerocscotland.com/forum/s...light=autistic

[frolicols]

Mini Mac obviously being a regular at Stevenage (and now a taxi woop woop ) I know exactly who you are talking about and it's not easy I know. I know a couple of the other ladies use me or another man as a fall back if they see him coming for a dance... Probably not the best way to go about it but it works.

Failing that you kinda have to treat him with kid gloves. I know it's probably very un-pc to say it (not meant to be, but I don't know how else to put it), but you have to treat him a bit like a naughty puppy sometimes. A verbal tap on the nose is what's required to calm him down as he does get a bit boisterous.

Incidentally, I recall one night at Stevenage when he was going round writing down on a notepad women that he was going to dance with. One woman flat refused "if he was going to put her on some list like some kind of dance object"... He hasn't danced with her since!!!