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Thread: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

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    Registered User tarragon's Avatar
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    What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    After I posted my list of male dancers, everyone kept asking me when I was going to do the ladies' version. I declined to do this myself (after all, what possible flaws could I find in us ladies? ), but 'anonymous' contributions from male friends began to turn up in my inbox. Here they all are, compiled together (with the permission of their authors). And just to re-emphasise - I didn't write these myself!

    The Female Leader
    Often middle aged, recognised by the rigid, unyielding grip and the steely look in the eye. The first move of the intermediate lesson that you have mastered is immediately rendered useless as the female leader will lead you confidently into the move but incorrectly. Useless to argue as she carries that look that indicates fearsome retribution if you react. Pray to the God of Dance that you do not partner her at the of the lesson, when you will be led unerringly into all 3 moves incorrectly and then have to dance freestyle for the longest track of the evening.

    The Unsmiling Follower
    Usually an average dancer, stares unsmilingly with cold stony look over your shoulder for the duration of the dance. Fails to be impressed by your master sequence of moves that has taken you weeks to develop and can carry out successfully with many others. At the end of the dance will thank you in such a manner that you feel as though you have been insulted, usually accompanied by a glance down at the your feet as though they are the problem. Irrational behaviour is a feature of the species as they will frequently ask you to dance at a later stage of the evening which you proceed to do with some grace and a rictus smile.

    The Flirty Babe
    Young, attractive, scatty, probably slightly dim, conceivably blonde. A lively dancer with a predilection to fast, sometimes multiple spins as these often result in you having to resort to the well known man shuffle step in order to pick up on the beat again, you wonder why. She is wearing a short skirt! The flirty babe is fine with ballroom close holds and loves close drops of an intimate nature. It allows her to melt into your arms emitting a low sigh followed by a breathy "did I do that right" This move works especially well with male instructors for whom she makes a rapid and instinctive path across the floor. Lovely to dance with nonetheless. Be aware, the same technique is employed on all unsuspecting men.

    The Ex Taxi-dancer
    Recognised by a dancing technique that strangely lacks a personal style. Perhaps the result of a period spent dancing with stumbling male dancers and a well honed method of avoiding partners in baseball boots. A tentative and nervous request by the unsuspecting male to dance, as they are invariably large and fearsome, is followed instantly by the barked out question "can you do the moves from the lesson". Any response is a serious error. A "yes" will require you to perform the moves instantly and to execute perfectly. A "no" will result in a toss of the head, a sniff and a demand that you must be shown and dragged uncomplainingly through the moves yet again. Be aware that a great favour has been bestowed upon you by the granting of a dance. They mostly perform with the male subset of the species.

    The Confuser
    An experienced dancer who has been appearing at various venues for as long as you have. But a brief dance at an early stage of the evening is sufficient to shatter all confidence for up to a week. The confuser is entirely devoid of all rhythm. She has difficulty in walking on to the floor. All music is treated in the same diffident and uncomprehending manner, this combined with the elegance and grace of a small wildebeest is sufficient to render the dance a melee of movement over which you have little or no control. The simplest move is accompanied by an excruciating tug on the arm in a direction in which you have no desire to go or indeed have ever been. Drops are not recommended as any attempt will see one leg go up in the air at the most inopportune moment and cause the full weight of the confuser to fall upon you at arms lengths. Usually on your weak side and poorly arm. Strangely, gets lots of dances, or struggles around the floor. Possibly sympathy you think.

    'I don't do drops'
    Leads you on to think that she is a capable dancer and smiles in a friendly way but then acts stiffly when you offer a gentle lean. If you are silly enough to try an actual drop she refuses to descend and barks out "I don't do drops" so that everyone else can hear. Has been known to walk off leaving you stranded in the middle of the dance floor (but only after she's made enough fuss to ensure that everyone is looking). Half an hour later, you see her doing the Buzz Saw Death Drop with her taxi-dancer friend.

    The Destroyer (1)
    Has specially-developed hand/elbow/foot technique that can effortlessly demolish a pair of glasses in a swift sequence of moves. Watch in dismay as they tumble to the floor, then marvel at the precision footwork as she reduces them to a jumble of twisted metal and pulverised glass. She owns shares in the local opticians and racks up several orders for replacements in a single night.

    The Destroyer (2)
    Don't think you're safe just because you wear contact lenses. She can deliver an eye-popping blow to the head that will land them in somebody's drink on the opposite side of the dance hall. Avoid any jack-in-the-box type moves, as her other speciality is the head-butt to the chin.

    The Destroyer (3)
    Armed and dangerous. Wears razor-wire jewellery and has fingernails that can shred a shirt. Watch out for the diamante-encrusted belt and the rhinestone-studded jeans.

    The Refuser
    Acts all friendly in the lesson, then glares at you as if you've crawled out of a sewer when you politely ask her for a dance. Mumbles an inaudible excuse before turning to her friends and continuing her conversation, leaving you standing there like an unwanted gift. Keeps whispering and pointing at you for the rest of the evening as if you've committed some dreadful crime. Makes a point of catching your eye while you're dancing with other women, resulting in your losing concentration and buggering up some of your best moves.

    The Safety Monitor
    Lumbers along at the same pace whatever the speed of the rhythm. Stares at you as if you are mad for trying to pep up the dance pace and accuses you of 'making steps up as you go' - as if it were a crime to do so. Holds your hand in a Vulcan death-grip, then acts as if mortally wounded at the slightest knock or twist. Takes her revenge by telling everyone that you do not dance 'safely' or 'properly'.

    St Vitus's Dancer
    Usually of mature years. You know her immediately because her arms never stop jumping up and down to the beat (or even worse, to a beat that is all her own). Impossible to dance any move that does not require her accompanying pump action and makes the three minutes of a dance tune seem more like thirty. Perhaps she is trying to show that she can do the 'hand jive' from the era of 'Jukebox Jury' and 'Six-five Special' - only she has forgotten that a hand jive was done sitting down and without a partner.

    Mrs Moisturiser
    She's gone for the hand cream big-time tonight. Avoid manspins if you don't want a tidemark of grease around your waist. Watch in dismay as she hurtles across the dancefloor at the speed of light when you fail to catch her on the first return. And prepare your excuses, as she'll tell all the people she's knocked over that it's your fault.

    The Ginger Rogers of Jive
    She glides onto the floor and puts you at your ease with a broad smile and twinkle in her eyes. From the start you know that she will move in perfect time with you, and revel in spins and drops. You enter your most virtuostic partnered routine and she seems to instinctively know how to follow your slightest prompt. Even when you fluff your 'banana smoothie' she sees it through into a quick seamless recovery and never gives you that 'damned idiot' look. At the end of the dance she knows you want to finish with a flourish and allows you to sweep her down elegantly to your outstretched knee. She thanks you warmly without sarcasm and later approaches you for a second dance. How can you refuse?

    Queen of the Dance (1)
    On the dance floor she has poise and frame, balancing the lead’s tension & compression through every move, with the subtlest of adjustments when needed and never sagging into a “tit-crush”. Even when you fluff a move, she catches up and comes back in on the next beat. Unlike “Flirty Babe” (whose idea of a fibre-filled square meal is an Opal Fruit) she enjoys a balanced diet, eating enough to put a smile on he lips but nowt on her hips. Well nothing that won’t come off next Lent (when she will – honestly - lay off the chocolate!). She happily says “yes” when asked to dance, even when she’s only just finished the dance-from-hell with “The Man of 1,000 Moves” and she’s gagging for a swig of her G&T. If she’s annoyed when you are watching the football over her shoulder on the big screen, she NEVER shows it. And she ALWAYS says thank you for the dance, especially when she means it!

    Queen of the Dance (2)
    Who’d have thought that such a glorious creature would dance so divinely with me? Slightly over dressed for the venue but she looks fabulous in pink silk. She responds instantly to every move, matching my lead strength for strength and if anything deliberately getting closer throughout every track. Who’d have thought I’d find a jive club on this lad’s tour to Thailand, never mind one with this lovely lady. My mates stand back, admiring my dance skills and unwilling to step in and spoil my night. Her arms drape casually around my back and her long, strong hands (I play the piano, Daaarling!) stroke my neck. Wow, And when she comes back to my hotel she teaches me a thing or two about bedroom technique. Who’d have thought a girl would know that trick with the thumb? What surprises could she possibly have as she finally slips her thong off and turns to face me. OH MY GAWD! Mum, help …..

    Musicality girl
    She’s been dancing for years and knows all of the moves. She follows well and can even lead when they’re short of blokes. But she’s pretty bored, or was until she did “musicality” at a workshop. And now she does it. Every move. Leader doing a move the last guy did and you’re bored? Well block his lead and shimmy on through – wiggle your hips to the tune and it’s all right. Half way through First Move? No problem; she’s off in the other direction, left arm waving delicately to the trombones and feet kicking boldy to the bass drum with some poor “leader” trailing behind with his left arm raised and feet shuffling to keep up. Pretzel anyone? Well why not shimmy half way through and scare the poor leader stiff as your bum caresses the small of his back while he is concentrating on keeping your respective arms untangled. Musicality. It’s good; it’s fun but not every bl**dy move!

    Miss Lonely Heart aka Miss-last-dance-stalker
    As the DJ announces the last two tracks she makes a bee-line for you, elbowing other ladies out of the way like a prop forward in sight of the try line. Why do they always play slow tunes at home time at this venue? Has she slipped the DJ a fiver? A tenner? She gazes adoringly straight into your eyes and smiles enigmatically as the tune starts - was that a wink?!?!? Every move seems to morph into a sway, allowing her to slide herself into your apparently welcoming embrace and roll her left shoulder "seductively" up and down your ribs. Even a basic First Move is her excuse to gancho like a tango maestro and hook her knee high up inside your thigh. Cough matron? Or she turns a Catapult into a chance to weld herself to your back, wrap her arms tightly around your waist and run her hands INSIDE your tightest T-shirt. Is it cold in here, or has she got a couple of polos in her blouse pockets? As the final track starts there is no way you can prise your hand from her grasp; she does that wink again, licking her lips in what is apparently a provocative way but which sends a shiver down the spine (I bet she could manage to grope my jeans even if they played the bloody Birdy Song). Last track; think of England and dance on ... I hope she doesn't know which hotel I'm staying in.

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    Registered User Danny's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Haha, I thought this was hilarious. Very impressive list.

    I can apply names to: The Female Leader, The Unsmiling Follower, The Confuser, The Destroyer (3), The Safety Monitor, St Vitus's Dancer, The Ginger Rogers of Jive, Queen of the Dance (1) and Musicality girl
    Many at my local venue alone.

    I think only men can really answer where women fit on this (if at all), and vice versa for the Man version you posted. Suicidal as it may be.

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by Danny View Post
    Haha, I thought this was hilarious. Very impressive list.

    I think only men can really answer where women fit on this (if at all), and vice versa for the Man version you posted. Suicidal as it may be.
    And
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    Registered User Daisy Chain's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    I can't decide if I'm Flirty Babe or Queen of the Dance Floor (1).

    Daisy

    (A Deluded Little Flower)

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Is there a definition for "Blues Slut"???

    I think that is where I belong!


    Whitetiger

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    Registered User tarragon's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by whitetiger1518 View Post
    Is there a definition for "Blues Slut"???

    I think that is where I belong!
    Me too - that's why I had to edit it out!!!

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    Senior Member Minnie M's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Fantastic - I think I am a destroyer, by the amount of times I have accidentally elbowed my lead (or the lead/follower dancing near me) - although would love to think I am a Ginger Rogers

    Well tarragon which dancer are you ?


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    That date is recognized as her official birthday.

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    Registered User Allez-Cat's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Taking my life in my hands, may I add to tarragon's hilarious list?

    Miss Spaghetti Arms
    More malleable than blancmange, lacks tension or compression to the point that violent assault with candyfloss carries a greater potential for serious muscle damage. Usually accompanied by a vapid expression and/or unfocused gaze and a fifteen-second delay on any response to directional change.

    The Toe-Trampler
    Variation on The Destroyers, this lady has the uncanny knack to seek out your toe – almost invariably the Big Toe, right foot – in any and every permutation of a step back in the First Move or Basket variations. Particularly prone to ruining the effect of an elegant ‘sway’, especially when accompanied by a not-so-sotto-voce “Oh dear, aren’t you supposed to step back with your right?” Attempt ‘smooth’ or ‘blues’ styles with this one at your peril.

    Miss Whiplash
    Not in quite the same league as the costume jewellery model, but nearly as lethal, is the lady with the straps, tassels and funky-dangly-stringy-strappy bits. Closely resembling an institutional patient whose restraint harness is yet to be fully fastened, her dance floor dervish act is surpassed only by a nunchuk-wielding ninja in full flight. Don your body armour ... and may the best man win.

    The Block of Wood
    Lends a whole new meaning to the expression ‘comfort zone’. Possesses a perfectly adequate sense of rhythm, but lacks the ability to translate this into anything remotely resembling style or originality. Inflexible and uninspired to the point that, should the unfortunate dance partner attempt to lead her into a move other than that sanctioned in the Bible of Moves, she’ll flounder to a halt, fix you with an incredulous gaze and utter the immortal words ”Oh .... I don’t know that one!” This can be delivered either tremulously or truculently depending on her shoe size. Or her pouting skills.

    ..... ducks and runs for cover

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by Allez-Cat View Post
    Miss Spaghetti Arms
    More malleable than blancmange, lacks tension or compression to the point that violent assault with candyfloss carries a greater potential for serious muscle damage. Usually accompanied by a vapid expression and/or unfocused gaze and a fifteen-second delay on any response to directional change.

    The Block of Wood
    Lends a whole new meaning to the expression ‘comfort zone’. Possesses a perfectly adequate sense of rhythm, but lacks the ability to translate this into anything remotely resembling style or originality. Inflexible and uninspired to the point that, should the unfortunate dance partner attempt to lead her into a move other than that sanctioned in the Bible of Moves, she’ll flounder to a halt, fix you with an incredulous gaze and utter the immortal words ”Oh .... I don’t know that one!” This can be delivered either tremulously or truculently depending on her shoe size. Or her pouting skills.

    Oh dear... I could name a few of these...

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by Allez-Cat View Post
    Taking my life in my hands, may I add to tarragon's hilarious list?

    Miss Spaghetti Arms
    More malleable than blancmange, lacks tension or compression to the point that violent assault with candyfloss carries a greater potential for serious muscle damage. Usually accompanied by a vapid expression and/or unfocused gaze and a fifteen-second delay on any response to directional change.

    ..... ducks and runs for cover
    Well that is the definitive definition of my right side - Sorry guys! - and for putting up with me - My left side has aspirations in the Blues room (see below ) but I definitely let myself down here

    WT

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    Registered User NickC's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    I've met all of them exept for the hand cream, I wish I had more gingers in my life though

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by NickC View Post
    I wish I had more gingers in my life though
    And I wish I could be The Perfect Dance Partner (see the other thread - What kind of dancer are you? Part 1: The Men).

    We try, we try .....

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by Allez-Cat View Post
    And I wish I could be The Perfect Dance Partner (see the other thread - What kind of dancer are you? Part 1: The Men).

    We try, we try .....
    And there was me thinking you were the perfect dance partner....!
    (so much I still have to learn!!! )

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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    Quote Originally Posted by pipples View Post
    so much I still have to learn!!!
    Don't we all .....

    Welcome to the forum, pipples - may your stay with us be a long and fruitful one.

    [PS: can anyone join this mutual admiration society?]

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    Registered User tarragon's Avatar
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    Re: What kind of dancer are you? Part 2: The Ladies

    A mixture of all the worst ones, I fear! Men, be warned - dance with me at your peril!

    My signature move is to get half-way through a dance that's turning out perfectly, and then to unexpectedly (and accidentally) elbow the lead in the face or knock off his glasses. I guess I'm just blessed with the random clumsiness gene.

    In non-dancing life I am also well-known for throwing glasses of wine over myself whilst gesticulating in conversation. And for locking myself into/out of things and losing the keys.

    Quote Originally Posted by Minnie M View Post
    Fantastic - I think I am a destroyer, by the amount of times I have accidentally elbowed my lead (or the lead/follower dancing near me) - although would love to think I am a Ginger Rogers

    Well tarragon which dancer are you ?

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