Am gutted to discover I am just a regular hotshot and not a super hotshot
This is something I wrote to post on Dancecard (another forum) and I thought I'd share it here. Please don't take it too seriously - it's just meant to be a bit of fun.
Super-Hotshot
Rumoured to have legendary freestyle skills and prestigious string of competition wins. Holds court at regular table some distance from dancefloor. Too good to take part in the lessons. Arrives late and leaves early. Can repel a dance request at fifty paces using only eye contact. Nobody has ever actually seen him dance.
Regular Hotshot
As above, but will occasionally deign to visit the dancefloor with regular partner or carefully-vetted friends. Has an armory of excuses covering all bases from the already-promised dance to the dog eating his homework. Don't even think about asking him.
Silk and Spice
A scratch 'n' sniff dance experience. Caress his rippling torso through the silken folds of his bespoke man-blouse to release clouds of industrial-strength designer fragrance with topnotes of cedar and bergamot. Too busy hyperventilating to assess his dancing prowess. Not recommended for the faint-hearted or the asthmatic.
Fags and Pickles
Economy version of above, with string vest or skanky t-shirt. Eeuuww.
Mr Billboard
You know he's waiting for you to comment on his daft slogan t-shirt, but you're damned if you're going to give him the satisfaction. He will have fielded the same question from every dance partner tonight and is bound to have a smart-arse reply up his sleeve.
The Stinker
Unreconstructed clueless bloke, straight from a heavy day at the office or building site without the benefit of clothes change or shower. Wouldn't understand if you tried to tell him. Thankfully quite rare.
The Wet Dog
Thinks it's OK to spray you with buckets of sweat as long as he has the occasional token flap around with a towel. Has a fondness for combs and lingering shoulder slides, just in case you thought you could get away with keeping your hands dry.
Mr Mangler
And a one, two, three, four, yank, wrench, pull, fling! Can't understand why none of the women seem to know his moves. He'll just have to put a bit more effort into showing them how it's done...
The Scared Beginner
Stands towards the back of the room with negative body language and neutral expression, hoping no-one will ask him to dance. Doesn't realise he's putting himself in danger of being mistaken for a hotshot, with tragic consequences.
The Spook
Prowls the outer regions of the room, taking his time to select a victim. Liable to pounce unexpectedly, half-way through a track. Has spent years perfecting his uniquely personal and stranger-than-a-box-of-frogs dance routine. Guaranteed to get you noticed on the dancefloor, not in a good way.
Mr Molester
You see him here, you see him there, now his hand cups your breast and his fingers slither through your hair... Avoid at all costs and warn your friends. Arrange secret signal for someone to cut in and tell you your car's being towed away.
The Prancer
Now you see him, now you don't... hang on, how did he manage that? Whoah, watch out - triple manspin. And now he's over there again. Check the fancy footwork. And hey presto - now he's behind me. Crikey - I'm feeling dizzy. Oh, oh - looks like a big wurlitzer coming up... Wait a minute... where's he gone now?
Mr Local Politics
'Of course, this was one of the most popular venues in the area until XYZ Jive took it over. Now they've run it into the ground - but that's no surprise really, given that they don't have a clue how to manage a business. None of the people here are happy with the situation. I've spoken to one or two of them and they've made their views pretty clear. But of course, people just don't know how to enjoy themselves any more...'
Mr Moaner
'Oh, groan, not the basket ladyspin again? Surely everyone knows how to do this by now? Quite honestly, I don't think much of this teacher - fancies himself a bit too much, if you ask me. And the moves they teach in this class are totally useless for freestyle - I don't know of anyone who remembers them for five minutes after the lesson. Oops, ouch - sorry, got the wrong hand. Now how come we've ended up facing the opposite way to everyone else?'
Man of 1,000 Moves
'OK, I bet you don't know the double stuffed triple sidewinder reverse pretzel butterfly with a twist. I like to repeat it a second time backwards, then follow through with a syncopated accordian comb crab pull leading into a Columbian scorpion slide. Then we do a set of back to back cream crackers with a lobster flourish and a caviar dip.'
The Pretzelmeister
Approaches with a wicked gleam in his eye and locks you into an entanglement of limbs to which only he holds the key. Carry a can of WD40 in your dance bag for emergency quick release.
The Music Police
'Oh no. Oh no, no no. We'll have to stop - I can't dance to this one, thank you very much Mr DJ. Any of the other tracks from that album maybe, but everyone knows that the drummer had left and the band were in litigation with the studio by the time they cut this one in January 1983. Frankly, it's a bland, crowd-pleasing number that lacks the raw energy of their earlier work. These fools on the dancefloor - they know nothing about musicality. Look at the way they'll jump up and down to anything with a beat.'
The Evangelist
'I went to a workshop last weekend and it just blew my mind. It's amazing how you think you've reached a level, then you suddenly find you're starting the learning experience all over again. There are so many fantastic moves - I don't know how I'll ever be good enough. And the teachers are so awesome - it's truly humbling to be on the same dancefloor as them.'
The Ladies' Man
Arrives with a group of women and dances with each of them in turn for the whole evening. Gets you wondering exactly what the arrangement is. Who drives and pays for the petrol? Do they club together for his admission fee? And do they get to share him round afterwards when they go home?
The Warbler
'Dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum-dum. Oh yes a sweet kinda something's got a hold on Meeeeeee... and even if I something, it won't let me Beeeeee... can't you Seeeeeeee? Oh yeah. Oh yeah a sweet kinda something... Wheeeeheeeheee... Somethin, somethin, somethin... Wheeeeheeeheee!'
Mr Pricewise
'Do you know it's a pound cheaper to get in here than in Oxford? Mind you, at the prices they're charging for bottled water, they're probably still turning a tidy profit. In fact, I once added up how much I spent on bottled water over the course of a year? You'd be amazed how much it was. Literally hundreds of pounds for something that's supposed to be free. They'll be charging for air next - ha, ha. Now, I always take the empty bottles and fill them up in the toilet. No, no - don't look at me like that. I didn't mean it quite how it sounded...'
The Rudderless Taxi
Dances on autopilot while waving to his friends over your shoulder and conducting conversations in sign language. So busy watching what everyone else is doing that he manages to steer you into the speaker rig. Makes a huge fuss as if it was somehow your fault for dancing with him in the first place. Is clearly more worried about damage to the equipment than your ruined tights or the blood welling from the cut on your leg.
Pyjama Man
Has seriously misinterpreted the dress code. Doesn't realise he looks as if he's just got out of bed. His idea of dressing up is wearing novelty braces with his bermuda shorts.
The Circuiteer
Monday - Basingstoke, Tuesday - Winchester, Wednesday - Liberty and so on. Has forgotten how to function without going out and spends danceless weekends suspended in a flotation tank in his garage. Forever in pursuit of the elusive 'perfect night' that populates his chosen venue with the dancers he regards as the 'in crowd'. The best night is always the one you just missed.
Sugar Daddy
Protective stance and awkward age gap with his partner that leaves you guessing whether he's out with his daughter or his latest squeeze. Come between them at your own risk.
The Silver Smoocher
Still riding high on the John Sergeant effect. Goes the extra mile with his grooming in an effort to look distinguished. Adopts a slow, stately, style of dancing to convey gravitas.
The Old-time Rocker
Throwback from when when there were milk bars, and dancers all wore leather jackets. You can tell him immediately because he squats low to perform power man-spins and dances at a hectic pace. Hold on for the dance of your life.
The Mistake
Has wandered into the wrong room while looking for the indoor football and is under the impression that it's a general-purpose disco night. You're in for a bit of a surprise if you ask him to dance.
The Cheeky Boy
'What did you think of that move we just learned? My last partner told me it was really hard - fnarr, fnarr.' Specialises in false preztzels, jack-in-the-boxes and cheek to cheeks.
The Clown
Look out for the whirling dicky-bow and oversized shoes. Suffers from a strange and overwhelming urge to stand out in a crowd.
The Invisible Man
Has no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever. Impossible to tell if you've already danced with him that night.
One-Night-Superhero
The invisible man who changes into his lucky shirt and becomes mysteriously imbued with magical dancing powers. Wows the dancefloor for two hours, then disappears in a puff of smoke at midnight. Afterwards, no-one can remember exactly who he was.
Captain Kirk
Can teleport to the opposite side of the dancefloor at will, and often beams up to grab a cocoa with Scotty when the vibe is getting a bit slow. Reputedly seen in venues at opposite ends of the country on the same night. No-one has ever produced a satisfactory explanation.
Mr Deaf-to-the-Beat
Dances the exact same set of moves at exactly the same speed every time, regardless of the music playing. Mysteriously popular.
Mr Takeaway
Lives alone and lacks the time or ability to prepare cooked meals. Hasn't yet made the connection between the chicken tikka masala from his local curry house and breath that can cause facial blistering at twenty paces. Easily identified by the fluorescent spots of food colouring on the front of his shirt.
The Power Snacker
Maintains his energy levels with pints of Red Bull and bagfuls of peanuts. May have been responsible for the spate of 'pork pie on the dancefloor' incidents that disrupted several freestyles last year.
Dance Instructor
Says 'do come and ask me to dance' at the end of the lesson before disappearing somewhere behind the stage. Then only emerges for pre-arranged and choreographed dances with his best mates.
Fantasy Dance Instructor
Says 'do come and ask me to dance' at the end of the lesson, then appears on the dance floor and makes himself available to anyone who asks.
The Perfect Dance Partner
Invites you to dance without faffing around and leads you onto the floor with confidence. Assesses your level of experience and adjusts his dancing to suit. Appears to be enjoying himself (even if he isn't). Makes eye contact. Smiles. Laughs with you, not at you, if anything goes wrong. Doesn't wipe his nose on your hand. Throws out the occasional compliment and makes you feel special. Thanks you politely afterwards and waits to hear your reply, instead of racing off to grab the next partner. Doesn't cut you dead if he sees you in Sainsburys the next day.
Am gutted to discover I am just a regular hotshot and not a super hotshot
Love it! Although I'm probably a combination of various ones. Definitely Mr Billboard as I love crazy t-shirts, unfrotunately a bit of Wet Dog too (although I bring loads of t-shirts and a jumbo towel!!)
Don't know how I missed this thread until today. Absolutely brilliant!
I could put a name to every single example given - but I suspect I'd be looking at at least a 6 month ban on the forum for naming and shaming. Sooooooo tempted.
My gosh, I'm a mish mash of alot of styles there mainly; The Prancer, Mr Billboard, The Cheekyboy, and a pinch of The Perfect Dance partner.
even though you say so yourself.
I can't comment, obviously, as *we haven't danced, but I wonder if other followers you've danced with would agree.
*apologies if we have danced at some point and I've forgotten...in which case, I'll put you in The Invisible Man catagory.
I think for a long time I fitted the "Mangler" classification, or as I would describe it the "Wrestler" who felt it necessary as a means of leading the lady to propel her in whatever direction rather than give her the subtle flicks or pulls it really requires to give a good lead.
So three or four years of that before the penny tumbled and I gathered why I'd had so many funny looks from my partners.
Now of course everything is perfect, except I am prone to attempt to make up my own moves, to make up for failing memory of proper moves, and recent dodgy knee/hip syndrome, not associated or caused by Ceroc though, means I will be more likely to invent moves on my return to the dance floor to try to recapture the moves I've lost from my memory!!!!
I hope not.. otherwise it's a temporal anomaly and a time travelling version of me from the past is appearing at dance venues across the country.
I looked for my dance type there and couldn't see it. So I had to come up with my own..
The Anti-social socialiser
Often seen at the side of a dance floor chatting. When approached for a dance he'll often politely reply "Not this one I'm sitting it out but I'll grab you later if I see you" only to vanish off the radar for the rest of the evening.
Tends to go to Dance events to catch up with friends and doesn't actually dance. May often be seen lurking on dance forums, posting irrelevant comments and keeping track of friends and acquaintances that he actually has very little in common with.
I've got me!!!
I'm a spooky prancer!!!
[or would that be a prancing spook! [or spooker]! lol]
Priceless post!!!
I'm a swinger lol! I mean I love to swing! ha haaaa. West Coast Swing, East Coast Swing, Jive, but most of all.. yeeeahh. most of all... I'm a latin lover!
I am not type....am just half evil.... can't speak for the rest of me...
The rest is probably a mixture.... of only followers know what....
I try to be the perfect dance partner, the best thing a man can hear after a dance is "that was lovely", although hearing after doing double trouble once the words "that was great we should do threesomes more often" was a very precious moment.
Meant the time you were dancing in Scotland and England.Y'know I couldn't dance on Sunday night at Skeggi, due to injury.I looked for my dance type there and couldn't see it. So I had to come up with my own..
The Anti-social socialiser
Often seen at the side of a dance floor chatting. When approached for a dance he'll often politely reply "Not this one I'm sitting it out but I'll grab you later if I see you" only to vanish off the radar for the rest of the evening.
Tends to go to Dance events to catch up with friends and doesn't actually dance. May often be seen lurking on dance forums, posting irrelevant comments and keeping track of friends and acquaintances that he actually has very little in common with.
I went along to Jaks at 10pm as had arranged to meet a friend, intending to go to the Butlins Show at 11pm.
i made myself a little badge before i set off, saying "Out of Order" Didn't take my shoes with me.
Well, I didn't get out of there till 2am, really enjoyed socialising and i met lots of new people.
Didn't offend anyone, because i showed them my badge.
Maybe you could try this when Twirly want to go to a freestyle one night.
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