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Thread: Dancing or Dating?

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    Dancing or Dating?

    Hello this thread idea came up after reading a thread on eye contact and how men can misread this as a come on.

    So with dancing blurring the traditional notions of male female interactions a fellow can get a bit confused.

    I should note here that i have Social Phobia / Anxiety and started dancing couple of years ago in an effort to help get the better of this condition, also helped that i secretly always wanted to dance.

    If you do not know SP makes interacting with people very difficult and anything relating to dating is a nightmare as anything that can be construed as a rejection increases and fuels SP.

    Now two years on my SP is better, dancing and some CBT have help a lot with this but i am still confused about some of the signals women give at dancing.

    I don't dancing to 'pull' but i am human and do see others getting together via dancing.

    As already said SP can make interactions and especially dating very difficult, but i not ignorant of body language and having worked with young people i aware of sexual boundaries; teenage girls would often practise their feminine charms on me as i was 'safe 'male' and i understood this for what is was.

    Sorry if i going on a bit but am coming to the point now.

    In the last couple of years i have noticed a few things about male female interaction in dancing. Eye contact in dancing is nice but intense staring is bit scary, that said some women do give you that 'look'.

    The confusion comes in being able to worked out when an interaction is just a good dance and when there is something more, if in doubt i always go for the good dance stance.

    But what if the eye contact and 'look' continue when not dancing?

    With non verbal communication and dating it is said that you should look for clusters of IOI ( Indicator of Interest) but as already said the traditional ones such as

    eye contact
    body contact (touch)
    personal space

    all being part of a good dance, what IOI should a fellow look for without crossing any boundaries and entering sleaze land.

    A few i have noticed though am not a 100% sure of are:

    The Look
    This is a bit more than just eye contact during a dance and is also there outside of dance.

    The Snuggle
    This is where a woman gets right into personal space and appears to want to be part of you, though with Blues this can be part of the dance style.

    The hand squeeze / lingering touch
    These two for me are the strongest IOI, with this a woman usually after dance or when moving on in class give my hand squeeze, this can be long or repeated quick squeeze. The other often with the squeeze is that when letting go of hands and moving away there is lingering touch.


    The idea of this post is try help us fellows work out what the new dating signals are when in the dance scene as the traditional ones can just be part of dance.

    I am not advocating going dancing to 'pull', i go dancing to dance but we are human and attraction is part of being human.

    So any of you ladies out there shed some light on this?

    cheers

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    OK, so you're very shy.
    Excuse my bluntness but what a load of cr4p, you're trying to analyse it too much.

    Just accept that they all only want to dance and when you meet someone that wants more, they'll tell you.

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    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    I fear you're over-analysing. Don't look for signals, they might be there, but they should be felt rather than seen.

    The best way to find out if a girl wants to know you better is to chat with them, and if it's all going well, ask them out for a coffee or whatever.

    If they run away, that should be taken as a definite negative signal.
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    OK, so you're very shy.
    Excuse my bluntness but what a load of cr4p, you're trying to analyse it too much.
    to a certain extent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    Just accept that they all only want to dance and when you meet someone that wants more, they'll tell you.
    Not necessarily. Chances are that they won’t tell you, they’ll give you little hints and see how you respond. But men either don’t see them, or don’t respond to them, which tends to leave women thinking that the guy isn’t interested.

    Men, on the other hand, tend to be much more obvious about it! Thank heavens… and you’re giving the guy’s way of dealing with things here Gav.

    u-dancing, I’m afraid that you are thinking too much like a woman here, and as Gav says, overanalysing.

    I’d look for signs off the dancefloor if I was you. The potential for misconstruing signals on the dancefloor is far too great – anything could happen by accident, or maybe it’s that person’s dance style. But if you’re getting “the look” off the dancefloor and they try and engage you in conversation and are very friendly, then maybe your luck is in. I suggest that if there is someone who is behaving like this, then be chatty and friendly back, and if they continue to respond over a week or two, suggest meeting for a coffee or drink before class or something, and then if that goes well gradually escalate from there.

    Just bear in mind that whatever you do there is some sort of risk, but without risk there is no chance of anything happening. Take it slow and steady, and best of luck!

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    I don't think U is talking a load of C**P at all

    but am a little surprised, that after 2 years U has not got a better understanding of the "signals"

    Tip - Watch how the lady in question looks or touches other people.
    Is she treating you different to anyone else

    I would agree the a repeated squeeze, long after the dance over is a strong positive signal
    Last edited by philsmove; 12th-March-2009 at 03:38 PM.

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    I'm afraid to tell you, I shouldn't rely on any 'signals' during a dance, the girl will often be responding to the music and not necessarily you

    BUT

    if YOU like a girl, then I'd suggest first you ask her for another dance.. if she says no, there's your answer...

    if she says yes...

    ask her if she'd like a drink ... if she doesn't like you or is in a relationship etc, she'll simply say "no thanks" or make some other excuse (but believe me, she'll still be flattered that you asked and it'll've probably make her evening anyway) but if she DOES like you, she'll be only too pleased that you've asked

    Just go for it, as the saying goes, nothing ventured, nothing gained!
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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I'm afraid to tell you, I shouldn't rely on any 'signals' during a dance, the girl will often be responding to the music and not necessarily you
    Imagine how many embarrassed admirers you'd have by now?

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I'm afraid to tell you, I shouldn't rely on any 'signals' during a dance, the girl will often be responding to the music and not necessarily you
    I have to agree with Lory. Sometimes I get lost in the dance, the music and the mood, especially when dancing to blues, I always keep eye contact and when there is a connection it is like an intense three minute affair. If I were to worry about signals I don't think I could dance anymore

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Jay View Post
    I have to agree with Lory. Sometimes I get lost in the dance, the music and the mood, especially when dancing to blues, I always keep eye contact and when there is a connection it is like an intense three minute affair. If I were to worry about signals I don't think I could dance anymore
    plus I often squeeze people's hands in a friendly way to say thanks for the dance, am generally quite huggy and touchy-feely, and, if I like dancing with someone, am happy to just keep dancing track after track. I always assume it's just a dance (on my side and theirs).

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by jive-vee View Post
    plus I often squeeze people's hands in a friendly way to say thanks for the dance, am generally quite huggy and touchy-feely, and, if I like dancing with someone, am happy to just keep dancing track after track. I always assume it's just a dance (on my side and theirs).
    Absolutely. Don't know if people have noticed but I am a very tactile person and even when a dance finishes a kiss on the cheek or hug even occurs

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Hello and thanks for replies, yes i may be over analysing but that is what Social Anxiety does.

    Also SA is not being shy, it way way past that.

    social-anxiety.org.uk/whatis/whatis.htm

    The fact is women run the dating game, they send out subtle signals that we men may or may not pick either consciously or unconsciously, but they do send them, but as already said in the dance world these are blurred in with the dance.

    Thing is i read lot on the forums about women having too much male attention, or men being sleazy. Feeling rejected and judged for what you may or may not being or saying or doing is part of SA, it can be something very small and you know it is stupid but it is still there so taking a risk and getting it wrong can be hard.

    If you don't believe in or understand SA then all this may seem very silly, but at the end of the day i am just trying to get clearer idea of how to read situation.

    How bad can SA get, well when i first started dancing if a women did not give me any eye contact it could ruin my whole night and i would go home early, why? Because the SA would lead me to believe i had been rejected.

    Now i am can put it down to her being shy etc and continue to have a good night.

    cheers

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Jay View Post
    Don't know if people have noticed but I am a very tactile person
    Really?

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    Really?
    So you hadn't noticed then
    Last edited by Jay Jay; 12th-March-2009 at 04:31 PM.

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    This is probably going to come across as unwelcoming, but I'm reading these posts, and I am unavoidably reminded of the previous poster New_to_London.

    I'm not saying this is the same person; in fact, I don't think that it is. Neither am I saying u-dancing has done anything wrong. But he seems to have a very analytical approach to the topic, and from previous experience, that approach is often taken the wrong way.

    And even if u-dancing manages to avoid those pitfalls, those of us with long memories are probably going to have our reactions coloured by the previous discussion anyhow (which is perhaps not fair, but we are all human).

    In that light, he (and others) might want to look at some of the threads on the topic from New_to_London

    The two canonical examples would be the following, I think:

    Chatting after a dance
    chatting after a dance -- round two

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by u-dancing View Post
    Feeling rejected and judged for what you may or may not being or saying or doing is part of SA, it can be something very small and you know it is stupid but it is still there so taking a risk and getting it wrong can be hard.
    The thing is, it is the same for everyone. But if you’re shy (or have SA or whatever), then it’s easy to forget that, because you can only look at your own internal world. It’s easy to forget that everyone else is trying to make sense of all the social signals out there, and often getting it wrong too.

    Most people are more worried about how the world perceives them than they are about judging others. Remembering that can help.

    As for taking that risk, so long as you do it nicely and in a small way, chances are you’ll just flatter the person concerned and no damage will be done. As Lory says, ask for another dance or offer a drink – you’ll flatter her more than anything, even if she’s not interested. Just don’t launch into a clinch in the middle of the dancefloor!

    Quote Originally Posted by u-dancing View Post
    at the end of the day i am just trying to get clearer idea of how to read situation.
    Excellent, and good luck with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by u-dancing View Post
    Now i am can put it down to her being shy etc and continue to have a good night.
    Precisely Looks like you’re learning a lot from dancing

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    If you can't be bothered to read the lot..read from post no.201..

    Ahh those were the good old days
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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Jay View Post
    Absolutely. Don't know if people have noticed but I am a very tactile person and even when a dance finishes a kiss on the cheek or hug even occurs
    really????

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    Really?
    sorry gav you beat me to it lol
    i was reading through the earlier posts and just had to say the same thing


    cant understand why

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by u-dancing View Post
    The fact is women run the dating game, they send out subtle signals that we men may or may not pick either consciously or unconsciously, but they do send them, but as already said in the dance world these are blurred in with the dance.
    Women do not run the dating game, imho.... it's confident people that run it. I think that what confuses the issue for us less-confident mortals is that men and women generally play by different rules.

    As for the original question, I'm adding my voice to the main tide of opinion - try to judge these things off the dancefloor, not on it.

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    Re: Dancing or Dating?

    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    This is probably going to come across as unwelcoming, but I'm reading these posts, and I am unavoidably reminded of the previous poster New_to_London.
    Yeah, that was my very first thought, though I'm sure that u-dancing will actually listen to the advice given to him.

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