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Reply With QuoteThat was laugh out loud stuff!Well done! I like the bringing up teenagers bit...nailing jelly to a tree reassures me that I am not the only one finding it tricky. I also liked no 2 in the children's part...
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
6) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
That was laugh out loud stuff!
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
You have to grow older - you dont have to grow up!
wars are started by adults
but you can have great fun getting your brother to do it!Originally posted by Bardsey
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
but I have had some of my best styles this way!Originally posted by Bardsey
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
and also re-enacting scenes from Harry Enfield's "Kevin sketch"Originally posted by Bardsey
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
or in my case mostly nuts with a few sweetsOriginally posted by Bardsey
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
You just gotta laugh, and I am proud to announce I still buy the cerial for the toys.Originally posted by Bardsey
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
one day I may find this out for myselfOriginally posted by Bardsey
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
6) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
oh dear, yes to 3 out of 4, until I shaved off the beard!Originally posted by Bardsey
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
in that case I am over 70 but not yet 80Originally posted by Bardsey
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.damn getting old before my time
Bardsey you must be the wisest woman I know
That explains the spellingOriginally posted by thewacko
You just gotta laugh, and I am proud to announce I still buy the cerial for the toys.
_____ that the best classroom in the world
_____ is at the feet of an elderly person.
__________ that when you're in love, it shows.
_____ that if you hang something in the closet
_____ for a while, it shrinks two sizes.
_____ that just one person saying to me,
_____ "You've made my day!" makes my day.
_____ that I feel better about myself when
_____ I make others feel better about themselves.
_____ that having a child fall asleep in your
_____ arms is one of the most peaceful
_____ feelings in the world.
___
____ that people will remember you as being
____ a great conversationalist if you mostly listen.
____ that when I'm waiting to see my doctor,
____ I always wish I had stuck to my diet.
____ that you should never say no to a
____ gift from a child.
____
____ that the more mistakes I make,
____ the smarter I get.
____ that no matter how serious your life
____ requires you to be, everyone needs a
____ friend to act goofy with.
________ that life is like a roll of toilet paper.
____ The closer it gets to the end, the
____ faster it goes.
____
____ that money doesn't buy class.
_____
_____ that if you are still talking about
_____ what you did yesterday, you haven't
_____ done much today.
_____ that to ignore the facts does not
_____ change the facts.
_____
_____ that the older I get, the smarter my
_____ parents become.
_____ that when your wife/husband simply answers,
_____ "nothing" when you ask her what's
_____ wrong, you're in deep trouble.
_____
_____ that I always think of the right thing
_____ to say when it's too late.
_____ that the fire of a past love will always
_____ burn with a small flame.
_____ that even at the age of forty
_____ you can still feel like a twelve
_____ year old child when your mother is
_____ talking to you.
_____ that when you want a garment to shrink,
_____ it won't, and when you don't, it will
_____ come out of the dryer and fit your cat!
_____ that commercials for feminine products
_____ always comes on when you are sitting
_____ in the living room with all men.
_____ that everyone you meet deserves to
_____ be greeted with a smile.
_____ that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping
_____ with your babies and feeling their
_____ breath on your cheeks.
_____ that men would rather be lost for hours
_____ than stop and ask for directions.
_____ that no one is perfect until you fall
_____ in love with them.
_____ that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
____ that opportunities are never lost;
____ someone will take the ones you miss.
___
_____ that you should never jump off a diving
_____ board when wearing a bikini.
_____ that one should keep his words both
_____ soft and tender, because tomorrow
_____ he may have to eat them.
_____ that a smile is an inexpensive way to
_____ improve your looks.
_____ _____ that a peacock today may be a feather
_____ duster tomorrow.
_____ that nobody wants to know what you're
_____ doing until you're doing something that
_____ you don't want anyone to know.
_____
_____ that those who reach their goals too
_____ easily have aimed too low.
_____ that everyone wants to live on top of
_____ the mountain, but all the happiness
_____ and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
_____ that when packing for a vacation, you
_____ should take half as many clothes as you
_____ think you will need and twice as much
_____ money. Your clothes and money should
_____ run out about the same time!
_____ that stain resistant carpet will stain.
_____ that a good friend is the one who tells
_____ you how you really look in your jeans.
_____ that the less time I have to work with,
_____ the more things I get done.
MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
"If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine
Thank you darling.....trouble is it's probably all downhill from here on..... I daren't stop dancing, cos I think if I do, all my limbs will cease up and my brain will altrify....Originally posted by thewacko
Bardsey you must be the wisest woman I know
dammit! Where IS that flipping zimmer....know I put it down somewhere.....Oh there it is, propping up that shelf! Dementia? Eh? No never been there - is it in Greece?
too true, take my word for it, I get in from ceroc, sit down have a cuppa and solidify. Joints dont move or owt, then the cramps set inOriginally posted by Bardsey
Thank you darling.....trouble is it's probably all downhill from here on..... I daren't stop dancing, cos I think if I do, all my limbs will cease up and my brain will altrify....
When you've been out on the town & gotten plastered, a good freind will come down to the police station & bail you out. A true friend will be sitting in the cell with you saying "looks like we messed up!"Originally posted by Lory
_____ .
_____ that a good friend is the one who tells
_____ you how you really look in your jeans.
As the saying goes,Originally posted by psyc0diver
When you've been out on the town & gotten plastered, a good freind will come down to the police station & bail you out. A true friend will be sitting in the cell with you saying "looks like we messed up!"
A friend will help you move,
A true friend will help you move a body...
[Soham has kind of removed the humour on this one though]
Dave
Depends on how sick your soh is - mine is terminal & on life supportOriginally posted by David Franklin
As the saying goes,
A friend will help you move,
A true friend will help you move a body...
[Soham has kind of removed the humour on this one though]
Dave
And your bestest friend in the whole world is the one who cleans up the mess you just made..... eeeuuuurope !Originally posted by psyc0diver
A true friend will be sitting in the cell with you saying "looks like we messed up!"
and more importantly, COVER UP the mess you madeOriginally posted by Bardsey
And your bestest friend in the whole world is the one who cleans up the mess you just made..... eeeuuuurope !
Seems to me, we've been at the same parties.....lolOriginally posted by Pammy
and more importantly, COVER UP the mess you made
Originally posted by Bardsey
Seems to me, we've been at the same parties.....lol
i'm glad I don't go to them parties
seems like there is one eck of a lot of cleaning up to do!
Ah but think of all the fun we havde getting to that pointOriginally posted by thewacko
[Bseems like there is one eck of a lot of cleaning up to do! [/B]
Originally posted by Bardsey
Ah but think of all the fun we havde getting to that point
but would you remember any of the fun
Don't know if I've learned anything and too cynical to assume it all gets better............even with a drink
The guy/girl at the end of the bar usually does though.....Originally posted by Bill
but would you remember any of the fun
Don't know if I've learned anything and too cynical to assume it all gets better............even with a drink
Originally posted by Bardsey
The guy/girl at the end of the bar usually does though.....
But if you can't remember how do you know you had any fun at all??
You have a point there, my friend. I bow to your greater wisdom (and experience)Originally posted by Bill
But if you can't remember how do you know you had any fun at all??
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