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Thread: Letter to the bank

  1. #1
    Registered User martingold's Avatar
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    Letter to the bank

    Not sure if this is true or not but i was sent it by email today and thought it good enough to share


    Bravo Madame! A lesson to us all - don't give to the bastards!!
    X to all
    Judy

    THE TIMES - - Letter of the Year:

    A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

    I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
    9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the conta ct will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    Addendum from The Editor:
    IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?



    Well it made me smile anyway

  2. #2
    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by martingold View Post
    this letter was written by a lady who is a 98 year old woman
    As opposed to a lady who is actually a man ?

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    Re: Letter to the bank

    That one has been doing the rounds for a least a year.

  4. #4
    Registered User martingold's Avatar
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    That one has been doing the rounds for a least a year.
    maybe but my internet connection is slow so its only just got to me

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    Lovely Moderator ducasi's Avatar
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    That one has been doing the rounds for a least a year.
    That version (or something like it) has been circulating since 2003 apparently.

    It was originally written by an Australian humorist in 1999.
    Let your mind go and your body will follow. – Steve Martin, LA Story

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    Registered User martingold's Avatar
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by ducasi View Post
    That version (or something like it) has been circulating since 2003 apparently.
    see told you my internet connection is slow lol

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    Registered User Icey's Avatar
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Not bothered how old it is, it has amused me here at work

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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by Icey View Post
    Not bothered how old it is, it has amused me here at work
    Fair enough. Not everyone has pesky relatives sending them 'funnies' all the time.

    What I hate is those chains, where the friend says 'Sorry, I'm not breaking this.'

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    Re: Letter to the bank

    I hardly get any of this rubbish. My sister gets it all from her three children, and she forwards it to me, and most of the time I delete it unread, especially the .pps files because I don't have Powerpoint installed.

    It's absolutely astonishing how credulous people are. Stick a 'This really happened!' on the top of some email crap and a billion people will be believing in it in a week.

  10. #10
    Registered User martingold's Avatar
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    Re: Letter to the bank

    Quote Originally Posted by Barry Shnikov View Post
    I hardly get any of this rubbish. My sister gets it all from her three children, and she forwards it to me, and most of the time I delete it unread, especially the .pps files because I don't have Powerpoint installed.

    It's absolutely astonishing how credulous people are. Stick a 'This really happened!' on the top of some email crap and a billion people will be believing in it in a week.
    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    Fair enough. Not everyone has pesky relatives sending them 'funnies' all the time.

    What I hate is those chains, where the friend says 'Sorry, I'm not breaking this.'
    yeah i couldnt agree more and the ones that i really hate are the hoax virus warnings saying stuff like this has come from microsoft or the local police etc etc i always google these before passing them on i just liked the sentiment of this one especially in the current economic climate created by greedy banks

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