Dance Instructors

[geoff332]

Does your comment mean that a leader cannot introduce any form of improvisation or creativity when he is dancing with a follower he considers capable.

This one's quite easy: improvisation can be led. Leading doesn't mean only doing moves you know - and those two shouldn't be conflated. If you want to improvise, then learn how to lead the improvisations. Or how to incorporate them into your dancing without compromising your lead. If you can't lead it, then don't do it.

One of my biggest weakness as a dancer is I'm not very good at creating space for the follow to improvise. That is partly because a lot of follows get lost when you do that; the problem is, I don't do a great job when dancing with someone who can (and, if they can, they typically enjoy it). In my case, I can do it, I just have to think about it too much.

One of the things I (think I) am good at is varying the pace of the dance. This means slowing down or speeding up moves to suit different musical phrases. That is improvisation and is quite easily led.

Overall, I also sense a belief in your posting that the quality of lead is paramount i.e if a leader is good enough they can lead well with everyone and that, to me, does quite a disservice to the skillset (admittedly very different to leading) that the followers need to develop.

I don't subscribe to the, "the lead is always wrong theory". Both lead and follow have jobs to do on the dancefloor. Either can get it wrong. Yes, a good lead will adapt to both the skill level and the nuances of a particular follow, but this does not mean that the follow doesn't have a job to do as well - and they can do it well or do it poorly.

Another facet is that every follow is different (and I suspect that every lead is different too). I learn over time the nuances of leading different people. Their relative skills and preferences. I'm sure they get used to me as well. One woman I often struggle to dance with is very good (ie, championship winning good). I believe this is because we haven't yet grasped one another's styles. It's not because she's not good enough to follow and it's not because I'm a useless lead: we just haven't got that connect yet (it may happen; it may never happen...).

I would appreciate any other examples of modifying the lead to enable the follower to execute a move.

Probably a bad example, but I often find an inexperienced follow will break their connection with me (particularly if I'm holding on to a double hand hold, they release my right hand when they think the move is over). As a general rule, the follow should maintain the connection until the lead releases it. There are moves where I hold on.

In any pretzel variant, the lead ends up with their right hand over the top of their head. I find they work much better if you have your palm flat and pointing upwards then delay drawing the follow across to your left side until they are properly in position behind you (in reality, this is a fraction of a second, but makes a huge difference to following the lead).

In a sway, twisting (very gently) the follow's arm as you lead them in to your side. This rolls their shoulder and actually starts their body turning. But this has to be gentle: no wrenching arms out of sockets.

I often do a sway variant, where my right arm ends up around the follow's shoulder (a right/right lead in, ending up in the position like a neckbreak). People who know me follow this easily because I use it all the time; but with people who are less familiar, I need to remember to keep my elbow down, so they know they're not going under my arm.

Change the entry to a move to ensure that your hands are set-up properly. For example, if you want to do a super-duper-advanced double handed move, use a simple beginners move like and octopus to get both hands.

More technically, understand the various grips that are available (ceroc here only really teaches two; I can name at least five). Each one puts different tensions and torsions on the follow and will produce a different result. If you're dancing with someone who only uses the basic ceroc grip, then ignore moves that don't work well with this grip.

Move selection is important. Another personal favourite move is to open the woman out to my right-hand, throw her into a flat spin, then step in, arrest the spin and lock her into strong a ballroom hold (which is perfectly set for a lunge, layback, or a couple of little drops: all of which look really cool on the back of a fast spin). I do this very rarely, because it can seem similar to a spin-in to a side lean or drop, and I know a lot of follows that pre-empt the lean when the sense me closing in. Perhaps if I were a better lead, I could pull this off, but I know I can't, so I don't try unless I know the follow well and can trust her to wait for my lead before going into a lean.

Every move starts with a set-up (it may be no more than a step back; but there are plenty of variants). The most important tip is knowing when to bail out of a move (and learning how to do so gracefully). That is, if you're not set up for a move, don't force it. Do something else; you can always try and get the set-up right later. For safety, this is critical for lifts, dips and drops. But it's important for any move. A simple example is a follow who returns at 45% to where I led her. All I do is return again until we're set-up properly.

As general advice, I'd recommend you dance within yourself to improve your lead: that is, stick to moves you know well. If you don't enjoy doing this in every dance, then I'd make a point of doing it a couple of times a night every time you freestyle. Instead of focusing on moves, focus on leading: where do I want to follow to go, what do I want them to do, and how do I get them to do it? If, at any point, the follow doesn't follow the lead, ask yourself, what did I do wrong? This is fantastic practice for anyone: the point is to think about leading while dancing. It will vastly improve your leading. (And don't worry about the follows getting bored, they probably won't even notice).

I'm rabbiting on a lot today...

[ant]

Originally Posted by Geoff332
...... improvisation can be led. Leading doesn't mean only doing moves you know - and those two shouldn't be conflated. If you want to improvise, then learn how to lead the improvisations. Or how to incorporate them into your dancing without compromising your lead. If you can't lead it, then don't do it.

I cannot agree some of the above. Sometimes improvisation is about seizing the moment. You are hearing a track for the first time maybe and certain parts of that track make you feel like trying something new or try something you are not set up totally to do at that moment. I think you should go with that feeling.

At the end of the day I dance for fun. Normally the fun is experienced by leading well and feeling the connection that gives you with your follower. Sometimes you may have even more fun by seizing the moment. I have generally found that at these moments when they go right the followers level of enjoyment definately increases as well and when it does not go so well its obvious to the follower what I was trying to do, I apologise and we both generally have a good laugh about it. As yet I have never had a bad reaction in such situations. If I did my view would probabally change as I would not want to detract from the fun my follower is having at the time.

I find followers like to try new things, as long as you sensible about it. If you danced a track with one unpractised move after another obviously you are right but if in the odd track you try one thing completely off the cuff most followers appreciate it.

I do agree that once you have experienced that moment in a track you can then practise it and perfect the lead but there is nothing like the enjoyment of spontaneous leads by seizing the moment of a new tune.




As regards your tips for changing the lead etc. thank you very much. The one thing that comes to mind for me is where you talk about losing the followers hand part way though a move when you did not want the hand released. I find that very fustrating as well and generally the same follower will do this on a number of different moves. In those circumstances I will generally hold on more tightly to that followers hand, although I generally like to have a very light hand hold.

[ant]

I'm rabbiting on a lot today...

I would not worry about that, I think we may have gone off topic slightly and we do not agree about eveything but I have found it a very interesting thread and one that has me thinking.

and thanks for the advise above regarding changing of leads, I have now thanked you in the above thread for that.

[Martin]

When I'm up on stage, I tell people what to do. When I'm dancing, I (try to) just help the girl enjoy the dance (unless she asks for help/feedback). Guys stopping to lecture mid-dance irritate me, because (I assume) they are making the girl not enjoy their evening.

[geoff332]

I cannot agree some of the above. Sometimes improvisation is about seizing the moment. You are hearing a track for the first time maybe and certain parts of that track make you feel like trying something new or try something you are not set up totally to do at that moment. I think you should go with that feeling.

Doing that doesn't stop you leading properly. But if you do do it without leading it properly, how is your partner meant to know what to do? Guess? It may be fun for you, but what about the person your dancing with? No, there's no excuse for not leading something. One can improvise and enjoy dancing without sloppy leading.

Musicality is very helpful: you can usually pick the structure of music fairly easily and from that, you know can see the various features on the musical landscape coming up and get set for them.

[Agente Secreto]

I cannot agree some of the above. Sometimes improvisation is about seizing the moment. You are hearing a track for the first time maybe and certain parts of that track make you feel like trying something new or try something you are not set up totally to do at that moment. I think you should go with that feeling.

You do still need to lead the moment - unless you don't need your partner to come with you

I find followers like to try new things, as long as you sensible about it. If you danced a track with one unpractised move after another obviously you are right but if in the odd track you try one thing completely off the cuff most followers appreciate it.

I do agree that once you have experienced that moment in a track you can then practise it and perfect the lead but there is nothing like the enjoyment of spontaneous leads by seizing the moment of a new tune.

Lots of followers out there that can follow anything you do as long as your lead is clear and in terms of spontaneity can easily give as good as they get. I think we've had several threads already where they say the do not care (or know) what move you're doing they follow the movements

As regards your tips for changing the lead etc. thank you very much. The one thing that comes to mind for me is where you talk about losing the followers hand part way though a move when you did not want the hand released. I find that very fustrating as well and generally the same follower will do this on a number of different moves. In those circumstances I will generally hold on more tightly to that followers hand, although I generally like to have a very light hand hold.

Maybe the follower was trying something spontaneous....... Don't like the idea of the tighter hand-hold at all, I've never found it necessary to force connection. If I find this happening I switch to moves where the very light handhold is less likely to lose connection

[Dreadful Scathe]

Surely he will when it doesn't go quite how he planned? Either it goes wrong because his partner has missed the lead altogther, or she hesitates slightly.

I agree. There is an argument that he MAY be leading it properly but the follower does not understand, but ultimately that still means he is NOT leading it properly for the partner he is dancing with - which is the only thing that actually matters.

If you've learned to lead in MJ classes typical to the ones I have done in the past you'll know that the class is often not very helpful in teaching a leader how to perfect a particular lead since
1 - The follow knows what is coming
2 - Many follows will step through their steps regardless of the presence or quality of lead

You only really learn how to dance when you try it in freestyle surely Ive always wondered if there are any classes that inform the followers, as a test, to NOT MOVE if not lead

This one's quite easy: improvisation can be led. Leading doesn't mean only doing moves you know - and those two shouldn't be conflated. If you want to improvise, then learn how to lead the improvisations. Or how to incorporate them into your dancing without compromising your lead. If you can't lead it, then don't do it.

Thats fair enough, but an improvisation is perhaps something you are trying for the first time, so you won't be able to tell if you can lead it until you try. So you need to be generally good at leading rather than able to lead particular improvs.

I don't subscribe to the, "the lead is always wrong theory". Both lead and follow have jobs to do on the dancefloor. Either can get it wrong. Yes, a good lead will adapt to both the skill level and the nuances of a particular follow, but this does not mean that the follow doesn't have a job to do as well - and they can do it well or do it poorly.

But the leader is always, sans hijacks, telling the follower where to go, the follower has no choice but to follow. So the leader is always the one to blame if the follower does not understand the lead.

As general advice, I'd recommend you dance within yourself to improve your lead: that is, stick to moves you know well. If you don't enjoy doing this in every dance, then I'd make a point of doing it a couple of times a night every time you freestyle. Instead of focusing on moves, focus on leading: where do I want to follow to go, what do I want them to do, and how do I get them to do it? If, at any point, the follow doesn't follow the lead, ask yourself, what did I do wrong? This is fantastic practice for anyone: the point is to think about leading while dancing. It will vastly improve your leading. (And don't worry about the follows getting bored, they probably won't even notice).

Excellent advice

[martingold]

I agree. There is an argument that he MAY be leading it properly but the follower does not understand, but ultimately that still means he is NOT leading it properly for the partner he is dancing with - which is the only thing that actually matters.

There is no such thing as a wrong move just different moves

You only really learn how to dance when you try it in freestyle surely Ive always wondered if there are any classes that inform the followers, as a test, to NOT MOVE if not lead

This is said quite often in the classes i attend and i think its a good idea for improvers

But the leader is always, sans hijacks, telling the follower where to go, the follower has no choice but to follow. So the leader is always the one to blame if the follower does not understand the lead.

absolutely

[SPROGGS]

Finally, from teachers and other people running venues: what's your attitude towards this?

Hi Geoff332

They are at every venue- I have been teaching for 6 years and my view on this are as follows.

1. It is usually a guy who has not quite understood the move, however, the lady has understood it but gets told she has not....So he trys to expain where SHE has got it wrong.

2. He usually explains the move to the lady at the same time as the instructor is explaining it again or the next move...so the lady is unable to hear the correct move/footwork.

3. The guy say's it so loudly that dancers adjacent are also unable to hear the instructor.

4. When dancers are moved around he does the same to the next lady.

They are a pain in the butt.. because it is rude to the instructor and unfair to other dancers.

Difficult to deal with, however if it goes on too much, I will have a chat to the person responsible in the freestyle and explain why...I would sooner loose him than the dancers around him.

[David Bailey]

3. The guy say's it so loudly that dancers adjacent are also unable to hear the instructor..

Reminds me, there was a guy at Berko doing this in the freestyle on Sunday, he was giving constant verbal instructions to this poor beginner lady; she had a classic "rictus grin" on her face whilst he did so.

[Trouble]

Well actually whilst it does generally happen that way, i was doing lead lessons last night and i got told by one of the more mature ladies that i was doing it different.

I wasn't, i was doing it right.

Ive learnt to say nothing and not to try and explain that point though.

[Moondancer]

Ive always wondered if there are any classes that inform the followers, as a test, to NOT MOVE if not lead

Yes, but the less good leaders who don't listen to the teacher also don't hear this instruction, so they still assume it is the follower's fault!

I'll apologise in advance for a somewhat long post...


Freestyle ‘instruction’ from men (I hasten to add that I use the term ‘man’ loosely – I just haven’t encountered this with women)
I HATE someone telling me what to do in freestyle! One reason is that I often can’t hear what people are saying, or not clearly enough for detailed instructions. So I just nod and smile, regardless. Through gritted teeth, usually, if they are trying to tell me what to do.

It’s particularly annoying if men tell you what to do before they have even led the move. I don’t feel that it is polite to assume that the follow won’t be able to get a move right, especially if it is a really basic one. Dancing is a social activity in freestyle, and I feel therefore that some semblance of manners is required. If a lead knows they are bad at leading a particular move then either they shouldn’t lead it, or if they do then they shouldn’t act as if their partner is a numpty for not following it. I’m obviously not including being warned about moves which you really need to know about in advance - I’m talking about an assumption from your partner that you are a rubbish follow, before you have had chance to show how rubbish you really are.

I’m not a raw beginner any more, and on the whole I think I follow most reasonable moves that I encounter at a social when dancing with Mr Average. I’m not perfect; sometimes I make mistakes which are my fault, sometimes I make mistakes which are the lead’s fault. I also dance ‘out of my league’ when I get the chance. It’s fun, I’m learning from my experiences all the time, but I’m human and I make mistakes sometimes. So??? At a freestyle I would expect a man with good manners not to make a big deal of it if I screw up, and to go on to a different move if I didn’t get something maybe a second time. My understanding is that interpreting/compensating for a follow’s mistakes and moving on politely to something else is not just good manners but shows good leading skills. MJ is supposed to be fun; it’s not a test, nor is it an opportunity for a lead to show off by confounding their partner with a move that they can’t follow.

At best, instruction during freestyle can be a bit of helpful guidance and feedback between friends. At worst, in the context of dancing socially with someone you don’t know particularly well, giving an unsolicited lesson says a great deal about the way you feel about your own and your partner’s dancing abilities. It can appear that the person giving the ‘lesson’ is implying they can give instruction because they are so much better than their partner; that the partner’s ‘fault’ is sufficiently heinous that the dance has to be stopped and attention diverted to rectifying it; and that the blame for the ‘fault’ definitely lies with the partner.

The funny thing is, that it never seems to be the really good blokes who stop and ‘teach’ you, even if you don’t get one of their moves.

If I can do a certain move with everyone else then I feel it probably isn’t my fault if I’m not getting it right with just one man – I would put that down to his poor lead. So it does annoy me if someone like that stops me in freestyle to ‘teach’ me something, and it certainly does colour the way I think about the person. I don’t think much of someone who I consider to be a dance equal or less thinking they have the right to teach me, but I really really don’t like someone attempting to teach me or talk me through something in order to cover for their own inadequacies. Frankly, it puts my back up and makes me feel patronised. It also makes me think that the person in question is a big-headed, self-deluding &^%£, though I’m far too polite to say so. Furthermore, I don’t need my partner to put me or my dancing down – I can do that quite well enough all by myself!

Of course there are some leads I am happy to take advice or verbal cues from, when they are telling me things I need to know (like when the move is unleadable etc). Otherwise, unless it is my teacher, then if I want advice I’ll ask for it. I’m sure that most women would also have a shortlist of people they are happy to take criticism from; I’m equally sure that men should NOT assume that they are on that list.


Class-time ‘instruction’ from men
I just wish this didn’t happen! I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong, but as I understand it a class is essentially teaching leaders how to lead a move, and giving followers experience in understanding how to follow this lead. This is assuming, of course, that the class is teaching leadable moves. I don’t want my leader in class instructing me verbally through a move unless he is doing so to help himself. If I need him to tell me what he’s doing then I suspect he isn’t doing it right. I also want to hear what the teacher is saying. If a man can’t lead me without telling me what to do but the rest of the class can, then he needs to shut up and listen.

[I do think that sometimes it can be helpful early on in learning a move for a follower (who knows where she should be led) to place herself in the right position to assist a struggling leader to realise what he is meant to be doing. This is not pot and kettle – different fish entirely!]

My second wish: that teachers would make it clearer to leads that they learn to lead moves and followers learn to follow. When I danced with a not very good regular at one of my locals recently, he informed me that he found most women didn’t know many moves, and he found this frustrating in freestyle because it limited his leading to half-a-dozen moves. On a previous occasion when he had mis-led (another) easy move in freestyle (and it definitely wasn’t me!) he said: “I thought you would have known that move” to which I replied “Er, I don’t need to ‘know’ it if you lead it properly.” This appeared to puzzle him considerably.

Slightly oddly, I danced with one guy who made a big thing of telling me he was going to do a half-windmill, so I asked him why he was telling me, and he said he’d been told in class always to tell ladies before a windmill in case he pulled their arm off. I very politely suggested that if he tried leading it in a way that didn’t pull ladies’ arms off then he wouldn’t need to warn them, which he found a very surprising concept. (No, I don’t know what class taught him!)

Finally, I think men who are tempted to ‘teach’ a move should maybe think about why their (doubtless wonderfully clear) lead isn’t being followed. My example: there was a guy at a freestyle a few months back who spun me fast, then blocked/stopped me by digging two fingers sharply into my ribs. The second time he tried it, I tried to avoid the fingers as soon as I saw them coming, in what I thought was quite an obvious, not liking it, ouch-y kind of way. He then attempted to lead it again, talking me through it - dismissing me as silly when I said that actually it was rather uncomfortable for me when he stuck his fingers in, which he implied was because I was doing it wrong. So I missed the cue. He tried it a number of times, with me missing the cues each time, until he gave up in disgust. Now, I’m obviously too stupid to figure out how having two fingers dug in my ribs becomes a pleasure, but am happy to report that I am likely to remain that stupid for the foreseeable future. The bruise, incidentally, was quite impressive.

[Andy McGregor]

Hi Geoff332

They are at every venue- I have been teaching for 6 years and my view on this are as follows.

1. It is usually a guy who has not quite understood the move, however, the lady has understood it but gets told she has not....So he trys to expain where SHE has got it wrong.

2. He usually explains the move to the lady at the same time as the instructor is explaining it again or the next move...so the lady is unable to hear the correct move/footwork.

3. The guy say's it so loudly that dancers adjacent are also unable to hear the instructor.

4. When dancers are moved around he does the same to the next lady.

They are a pain in the butt.. because it is rude to the instructor and unfair to other dancers.

Difficult to deal with, however if it goes on too much, I will have a chat to the person responsible in the freestyle and explain why...I would sooner loose him than the dancers around him.

As with all dance instructors I get this too. And it's often the guys who are not getting the moves who are talking while you're giving instruction. I'm not bothered if they guys who get the moves talk while I'm talking.

I occasionally give a short sermon on this subject, not too often as it makes me sound schoolmarmy. My sermon goes "please remember that people have paid for me to teach them how to dance. If they are not getting the move I will see that from the stage and give instruction to solve the problem. If you are talking to them while I give that instruction they will not hear my instructions and will not get what they've paid for!"

I recently had a guy talk all the way through my beginners lesson - non stop, no kidding! He said he'd been dancing for years but didn't listen to a word I'd said and didn't get the lesson as a consequence. I watched him in freestyle and he couldn't dance a step. When I gave my talking sermon he answered me back and said that the lady had asked him a question and it would be rude not to answer. He then proceeded to continue talking through the rest of the lesson, talk through the beginners refresher lesson and talk all the way through all his dances in the freestyle. He behaved like he'd got a mental illness and prior to this had actually turned up for a few weeks and asked our door person a question like "do you give a discount for members of a tennis club" or "what time does the lesson start? I'll go to the pub and come back in time" before disappearing and not returning that night.

With all this in mind I asked him not to come back. I had 3 women ask me about him the following week - they thanked me when I said he'd been asked not to return.

[Dreadful Scathe]

The second time he tried it, I tried to avoid the fingers as soon as I saw them coming, in what I thought was quite an obvious, not liking it, ouch-y kind of way. He then attempted to lead it again, talking me through it - dismissing me as silly when I said that actually it was rather uncomfortable for me when he stuck his fingers in, which he implied was because I was doing it wrong. So I missed the cue. He tried it a number of times, with me missing the cues each time, until he gave up in disgust. Now, I’m obviously too stupid to figure out how having two fingers dug in my ribs becomes a pleasure, but am happy to report that I am likely to remain that stupid for the foreseeable future. The bruise, incidentally, was quite impressive.

you rule and he's probably none the wiser

[Agente Secreto]

Finally, I think men who are tempted to ‘teach’ a move should maybe think about why their (doubtless wonderfully clear) lead isn’t being followed. My example: there was a guy at a freestyle a few months back who spun me fast, then blocked/stopped me by digging two fingers sharply into my ribs. The second time he tried it, I tried to avoid the fingers as soon as I saw them coming, in what I thought was quite an obvious, not liking it, ouch-y kind of way. He then attempted to lead it again, talking me through it - dismissing me as silly when I said that actually it was rather uncomfortable for me when he stuck his fingers in, which he implied was because I was doing it wrong. So I missed the cue. He tried it a number of times, with me missing the cues each time, until he gave up in disgust. Now, I’m obviously too stupid to figure out how having two fingers dug in my ribs becomes a pleasure, but am happy to report that I am likely to remain that stupid for the foreseeable future. The bruise, incidentally, was quite impressive.

I'm thinking as well that you need to be a little more assertive - guy hurts you once could be a mistake, twice is worthy of the sort of action you did. If he persists after that then a few short sharp words and leave him alone on the floor. There are many numptys out there believing that they can dance and you have to look after yourself.

[tarragon]

Isn't this whole 'instruction' thing also about context? I was recently gven unsolicited advice that I ultimately found extremely useful, but delivered in such a rude way that I was dabbing my eyes in the ladies' room for several minutes before returning to the dancefloor. Surely, if a guy wants to dole out criticism, he ought to be prepared to chat for a moment or two at the end of the dance and maybe explain/show what he was trying to achieve. Or just say something friendly to mitigate the shattering of confidence he might otherwise bring about. What really bothers me is the kind of guy who'll tick you off like they're a teacher or something, then go whizzing off to hang out with their mates as soon as the dance is finished and avoid you like the plague for the rest of the evening. What is the point of correcting someone if you don't want to dance with them again?

[tarragon]

she had a classic "rictus grin" on her face

Any examples of this? I know what it feels like on the inside

[Martin]

You only really learn how to dance when you try it in freestyle surely Ive always wondered if there are any classes that inform the followers, as a test, to NOT MOVE if not lead

This is often said at my local venue, not so much as a test, but as a general rule.
"Leaders are learning to lead, so if you do not feel a lead, wait until you feel a lead".

I occasionally give a short sermon on this subject, not too often as it makes me sound schoolmarmy. My sermon goes "please remember that people have paid for me to teach them how to dance. If they are not getting the move I will see that from the stage and give instruction to solve the problem. If you are talking to them while I give that instruction they will not hear my instructions and will not get what they've paid for!"

The way my local venue teachers put it is... "We regularly receive feedback from beginners, that they would like to just get instruction from the stage, so if you are an intermediate dancer helping out in the beginner class, please do not offer one on one instruction during the class"

It is said in a friendly manner.

[Dreadful Scathe]

This is often said at my local venue, not so much as a test, but as a general rule.
"Leaders are learning to lead, so if you do not feel a lead, wait until you feel a lead".

I may not be paying attention of course, but i cant remember this being said with any emphasis in many classes i've been to, certainly not as routine. Surely its very important

[Moondancer]

I'm thinking as well that you need to be a little more assertive - guy hurts you once could be a mistake, twice is worthy of the sort of action you did. If he persists after that then a few short sharp words and leave him alone on the floor. There are many numptys out there believing that they can dance and you have to look after yourself.

You're so right, I should be more assertive than I am. I do find it hard to make comments even when someone is hurting me. For me, deliberately missing a lead is very assertive! There are a couple of blokes to whom I say that I've got a bad shoulder so please be gentle and don't do pretzels - there's nothing wrong with my shoulder, but there will be after I dance with them if they don't tone it down.

I still have the mindset that maybe in some way it is my fault or lack of experience, or that I should be able to compensate for whatever it is, or just put up with it for the length of one track. And men who yank or hurt you always assume that the problem lies with you, not them.

I am gradually getting more assertive though, like saying to blokes who ask if I have learnt a certain move that I don't need to know the move, I just need them to lead it. But I'm just a person who dislikes confrontation and aggression. Give me another six months' experience of yankers and I could be biting their heads off!

I can't imagine actually walking off the floor mid-dance - it would be so embarrassing. What do people think when they see this? Do they assume the person who walks off first is the wronged party? Would witnessing that stop other people asking either of them to dance?

...'Rictus grin' absolutely describes my expression when some man is telling how to do a move and I think he's an $%£*&. Very little eye contact, very quiet, glazed smile, and avoidance of personal/friendly connection when the dance continues. I get the impression that some men really get off on bossing their dance partners around - they're probably horribly downtrodden in real life and it's their only chance to assert themselves and show off to women. Sad.