Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 40

Thread: The Etiquette of saying NO

  1. #1
    Commercial Operator Gus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    York
    Posts
    5,203
    Rep Power
    13

    The Etiquette of saying NO

    A perpetual subject I know ... but this article from Dancing Today's archives caught my eye. Primarily aimed as ballroom dancers but still of worth?

    How to best say “no”
    Dance etiquette requires that you should avoid declining a dance under almost all circumstances. However, there are some occasions when it can be advisable to politely decline a request to dance. Which is worse? Being declined a dance or having to refuse someone? Most would agree that both situations can be awkward for all concerned, with beginner dancers often having the most difficulty. In a perfect world, one would never come across undesirable partners. But unfortunately, there are instances, hopefully few and far in between, where it is necessary to just say no. Rachel Holland looks at when to say no, and the best ways to say it

    When to Say No
    Undesirable partners can take a variety of forms; there are fellow dancers who will monopolise you by asking for too many dances. There is the less-skilled dancer who is not safe to dance with, frequently stepping on your toes and colliding with other couples. Then there is the dancer who is hell bent on consistently violating all the other rules of the dance floor.
    A case in point. When a friend recently found herself asked to dance by one gentleman, she politely obliged. “He was from the ‘self-taught’ school of ballroom and lacked any real formal instruction,” she says. “He had absolutely no idea how swing was swung and was doing waltz steps to merengues. I had a job to follow his efforts, which led to him getting frustrated with me and becoming somewhat forceful in his leading. By the end of the evening and all the next day, my back was aching.”
    “The next time I saw him, I declined his requests to dance, on the basis of needing a breather. I am not a very confrontational person and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t want to be injured either,” she says. A common complaint. Nobody likes to risk offending a fellow dancer, but this should not mean that you are obliged to risk injury. How should we say no?

    How to Say No
    According to tradition, the only graceful way of declining a dance is either (a) you do not know the dance, (b) you need to take a rest, or (c) you have promised the dance to someone else. That last excuse should be used sparingly, if at all, as it is considered improper to book yourself up a number of dances ahead. Another method would be to restrict tricky partners to one dance per evening, whilst explaining that you like to vary your partners to broaden your experience. A firmer method would be to decline the dance and give no reason. This sends a clear message that you do not want to dance with this specific person, not that you just need a rest etc. As this method is considered rude in the etiquette books, it is best reserved for extreme circumstances. The hardest method, but the most effective, is to tell the offender what they are doing wrong. If they are blissfully ignorant of their clumsiness due to inexperience, they are never going to be able to fix the problem. However, this is easier said than done. Besides, you came to dance, not to give lessons. How about suggesting a good teacher or class to them, whilst joking about how you once made similar mistakes to them?
    Here’s another way of looking at the problem. Whilst it is common for individuals to tend to dance with partners, who are at a similar level; excluding partners based on their level is not necessarily the wisest move to make. In particular, to constantly seek the most skilled partners goes against the spirit of social dancing. Better dancers should go ahead and ask beginners to dance. Not only does this help the social dynamics of a dance, it also helps the better dancer, as they adapt to the challenges thrown their way. When you do decline a dance, it is good manners to offer another dance instead: ”No, thank you, I’m taking a break. Would you like to do another dance later?’’ Furthermore, declining a dance means sitting out the whole song. It is regarded as inconsiderate and outright rude to dance that song with anyone after you have declined to dance it with someone else. If you are asked to dance before you get the chance to ask (or get asked by) your desired partner, that’s the luck of the draw. The choices are to dance it with whoever asked first, or to sit out the dance.
    However, whilst promoting politeness, etiquette ought not to mean that dancers must suffer under the tyranny of the inconsiderate. There is a get-out clause surreptitiously written into the contact which allows anyone to say: ”No, thank you” in these cases. A firm but polite no that needs no explanation, in the hope that the perpetrator will realise he/she is in violation of the rules of social dancing.

    Being Declined
    The first thing to do when one is turned down for a dance is to take the excuse at face value. Typical social dance sessions can be as long as three to four hours, and there are few dancers who have the stamina of dancing it through non-stop. Everyone has to take a break once in a while, and that means possibly turning down one or two people each time one takes a break. The advice to shy dancers and especially beginners is not to get discouraged if they are turned down once or twice. Since social dancers are generally polite people, being repeatedly declined can be a signal. In that case, it is a good idea to examine one’s dancing and social interactions to see if anything is awry.

    When NOT to ask
    Dancers should try to be conscious of the times they should not ask. If that potential partner has just finished a really long fast dance, they may need a break. If they are heading somewhere when you decide to ask, there’s a good chance they can’t dance at that time. It happens, not infrequently, that one’s desired partner is engaged in a conversation. Is it appropriate to interrupt a conversation to ask someone to dance? Taking a few minutes to look before you leap can help to avoid an uncomfortable situation for all.

    Source: Dancing Today

  2. #2
    Papa Smurf
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Planet Scathe
    Posts
    12,528
    Blog Entries
    6
    Rep Power
    18

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    you buy Dancing Today ? cool, thats serious that is

    Yes, i'd say thats worthwhile but i think we've discussed all those points before at some point. In fact, I bet DB wrote that article

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    So "f*** off, you stink" still isn't acceptable then?

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    So "f*** off, you stink" still isn't acceptable then?


    Guilty, as charged, m'lud.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    you buy Dancing Today ?
    Sounds like a typical guest publication on Have I Got News For You.

  5. #5
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Norf Lundin
    Posts
    17,001
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    18

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    you buy Dancing Today ? cool, thats serious that is

    Yes, i'd say thats worthwhile but i think we've discussed all those points before at some point. In fact, I bet DB wrote that article
    Not in that font I didn't

  6. #6
    Basically lazy robd's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Nr Cambridge
    Posts
    3,696
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Gav View Post
    So "f*** off, you stink" still isn't acceptable then?
    About as acceptable as "f*** off, you're too fat" I'd have thought.

  7. #7
    Commercial Operator Gus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    York
    Posts
    5,203
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    you buy Dancing Today ? cool, thats serious that is
    Buy? BUY???? What? Part with money???? You insult me sir ... I'm an accountant (lapsed) ... I count money, not spend it.


    Nope ... just came across the article on the web while looking for something else .... just for a change?

  8. #8
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by robd View Post
    About as acceptable as "f*** off, you're too fat" I'd have thought.
    I feel your pain Rob, can't be easy taking that kind of rejection.

  9. #9
    Registered User stewart38's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Ambrosden it gets
    Posts
    7,480
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Double Trouble View Post
    I feel your pain Rob, can't be easy taking that kind of rejection.
    How about F*** O*** your fat bald and ugly and cant dance more then 8 moves

    How do you work through that rejection ??

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Waltham Abbey
    Posts
    5,534
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by stewart38 View Post
    F*** O***
    You're taking the plss now Stewart....mis-spelling your asterisks

  11. #11
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Sussex by the Sea
    Posts
    9,276
    Rep Power
    15

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by stewart38 View Post
    How about "F*** O** you're fat bald and ugly and can't dance more then 8 moves"?

    How do you work through that rejection?
    I think you take up Argentine Tango and become a Scottish Ceroc Forum moderator

  12. #12
    Formerly known as DavidJames David Bailey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Norf Lundin
    Posts
    17,001
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    18

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Andy McGregor View Post
    I think you take up Argentine Tango and become a Scottish Ceroc Forum moderator
    That's a horrible thing to say about Lory

  13. #13
    Registered User stewart38's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Ambrosden it gets
    Posts
    7,480
    Rep Power
    13

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Andy McGregor View Post
    I think you take up Argentine Tango and become a Scottish Ceroc Forum moderator
    Im tall so dont get the joke ??


  14. #14
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Sussex by the Sea
    Posts
    9,276
    Rep Power
    15

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by stewart38 View Post
    Im tall so dont get the joke ??

    That's due to the inverse relationship between height and IQ

  15. #15
    Commercial Operator
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Sussex by the Sea
    Posts
    9,276
    Rep Power
    15

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by David Bailey View Post
    That's a horrible thing to say about Lory
    Yes it is. Be very afraid

  16. #16
    Registered User Daisy Chain's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    By the stage
    Posts
    955
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    How should we say no?

    I favour running away round the dance floor when I see them coming.

    Daisy

    (A Cowardly Little FLower)

  17. #17
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    South
    Posts
    5,424
    Blog Entries
    22
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    Quote Originally Posted by Daisy Chain View Post
    How should we say no?

    I favour running away round the dance floor when I see them coming.

    Daisy

    (A Cowardly Little FLower)
    I have visions of a Benny Hill style chase around the dance floor!

  18. #18
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    out of my mind back in 5 minutes
    Posts
    2,202
    Rep Power
    9

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    I take dasies approach and try to keep my self dancing all night to avoid being asked....

    Though if I do want to dance with them I do say "I'll get you later on"

  19. #19
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    saff lahndan
    Posts
    20
    Rep Power
    8

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    I launch myself at the nearest person and snog them.


    Well it works on telly...

  20. #20
    Registered User John S's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Deepest, Darkest Fife
    Posts
    1,182
    Rep Power
    12

    Re: The Etiquette of saying NO

    If possible, avoid being in the situation of HAVING to say "no".

    If you see the "unwanted" (or even the "unwashed"?) heading your way, under no circumstances should you make eye contact - in fact bury your face in your towel if possible.

    (Or, if your towel isn't handy then do as inky suggests and bury your face in the nearest person - whether or not their gender matters depends on how badly you want to avoid the dance!)

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Another etiquette question
    By Itsybitsy in forum Let's talk about dance
    Replies: 129
    Last Post: 25th-October-2007, 02:19 PM
  2. Dance floor etiquette - are Beginners sufficiently briefed?
    By Terpsichorea in forum Beginners corner
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 5th-October-2007, 01:19 PM
  3. Etiquette for the first post-class dance?
    By David Bailey in forum Intermediate Corner
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 6th-April-2007, 02:21 PM
  4. Ballroom etiquette?
    By David Bailey in forum Let's talk about dance
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 28th-March-2007, 12:24 PM
  5. Etiquette
    By ToothFairy in forum Beginners corner
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 8th-February-2007, 08:57 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •