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Thread: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Angry Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    I feel a bit of a rant coming on.

    Bumped into our new head of corporate IT this morning on the way into the office. Started off having a casual conversation about our weekends when suddenly I got bombarded by a relentless assault of corporate buzzwords and six sigma jargon.

    In our 5 to 10 min chat I was told to "pick the low hanging fruit" while "Pushing on an open door" I had to ensure my "finger was on the pulse" while picking up on the "group dynamics" thereby ensuring "best practices" and "value adding solutions" were "baked in" to my "deliverables". Baked in? Probably using the low hanging fruit we picked earlier? Fruity B*llSh*t pie anyone?



    I can only thank my lucky binary digits that I didn't get pelted with "Synergy" or "Paradigm"

    Anyone else have a boss like this? next time we have a meeting we should play a game of "BuzzWord Bingo!" hehe

    anyway if you excuse me I have to keep my eye to the grindstone and my nose to the ground, I have to put my ear on the pulse while keeping a finger on the horizon. I need to blow this up the flagpole and see what way the wind is running... or something like that !

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    Forum Bombshell - Our Queen! Lory's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    I think you might enjoy this read Beo!

    Six Sigma ... For Dummies (Corporate Hallucinations)

    BTW,I came across it, cos I had to look up what 'six sigma' actually was

    I know now, its called bullshit!
    MODERATOR AT YOUR SERVICE
    "If you're going to do something tonight, that you know you'll be sorry for in the morning, plan a lie in." Lorraine

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    Registered User David Franklin's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Beo, I hope you realise you're going to heck (perhaps you're already there).

    Slightly OT, but what are people's experiences of six sigma? I got asked to give my thoughts on one of their metrics, and explained "well, it's nonsense because of X, Y and Z". So they checked with a stats professor, who told them "it's nonsense because of X, Y and Z". I can't really go into details, but bluntly, I'd say the formula in question wasn't vacuous or wrong, it was vacuous and wrong.

    Edit: Looks like Lory beat me to it...

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    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
    Bumped into our new head of corporate IT this morning on the way into the office. Started off having a casual conversation about our weekends when suddenly I got bombarded by a relentless assault of corporate buzzwords and six sigma jargon.
    Six Sigma is common sense with added buzzwords to make you seem like you know what you're talking about (and with the bonus of delaying people bringing up the fact you are incompetent - either because your buzzwords have thrown them or (more likely) they assume you are an idiot - still, win:win )

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    Registered User Rhythm King's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Pull yourself together Beo - you need to drill down to establish the root cause analysis of these negative feelings... c'mon, wake up and smell the coffee and get with the programme

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    Not a spoon! Lou's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
    I feel a bit of a rant coming on.

    Bumped into our new head of corporate IT this morning on the way into the office. Started off having a casual conversation about our weekends when suddenly I got bombarded by a relentless assault of corporate buzzwords and six sigma jargon.

    In our 5 to 10 min chat I was told to "pick the low hanging fruit" while "Pushing on an open door" I had to ensure my "finger was on the pulse" while picking up on the "group dynamics" thereby ensuring "best practices" and "value adding solutions" were "baked in" to my "deliverables". Baked in? Probably using the low hanging fruit we picked earlier? Fruity B*llSh*t pie anyone?
    Let me guess - your end of the conversation went like this:

    Boss: Y'know, Beo, you need to make sure pick the low hanging fruit while you're pushing on an open door. Y'konw what I mean?

    Beo: zOM9, D00d! You think I'm some sort of N00b? I just routed the processing array of the WAN processor whilst standardising the HTTP density protocol.

    Boss: Ermmm.... That's great. We just need to make sure all our fingers are on the pulse, picking up on group dynamics, and thereby ensuring best practices.

    Beo: Oh yeah. The fuzzy logic used a object oriented approach to waterfall the quadruple-play network, but we dropped the access control list to backend the meta-multi-tiered netsplit. AWGTHTGTTA?

    Boss: Good.... good... Just make sure the value adding solutions are baked into your deliverables. There's a good chap.

    Beo: Mmmmmmm..... pie......

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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhythm King View Post
    Pull yourself together Beo - you need to drill down to establish the root cause analysis of these negative feelings... c'mon, wake up and smell the coffee and get with the programme
    Hmmmm...I can see you're thinking outside the box there RK, but your argument is all sausage and not a lot of sizzle. I think we should all suck it and see. Failing that, we need a bespoke solution with a unique selling point to test the market.

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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
    In our 5 to 10 min chat I was told to "pick the low hanging fruit" while "Pushing on an open door" I had to ensure my "finger was on the pulse" while picking up on the "group dynamics" thereby ensuring "best practices" and "value adding solutions" were "baked in" to my "deliverables". Baked in? Probably using the low hanging fruit we picked earlier? Fruity B*llSh*t pie anyone?
    Someone I worked for in Norwich once tried to talk at me in that language. He never did it again after my witty and intelligent reply:
    "FCUK OFF"

    No really, luckily I knew he had a sense of humour and he's used to me telling him the truth.

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    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lou View Post
    {funny and geeky but missing python quotes}
    Beo: Mmmmmmm..... pie......
    Ahaha I do quite a good weeble impression

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    Registered User Beowulf's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lou View Post
    Beo: Mmmmmmm..... pie......
    Mmmmmmm 3.141592653589793......

    found this link .. will have to use this next meeting

    Business Buzzword Bingo!

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    Registered User Icey's Avatar
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    I had a 20 mark ACCA exam question on Six Sigma ... and I passed it!
    Load of old rubbish.

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    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    ACCA? i worked for them - you should've said i could have added a few exam passes for you

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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lory View Post
    I think you might enjoy this read Beo!

    Six Sigma ... For Dummies (Corporate Hallucinations)

    BTW,I came across it, cos I had to look up what 'six sigma' actually was

    I know now, its called bullshit!
    Quote Originally Posted by David Franklin View Post
    ... Slightly OT, but what are people's experiences of six sigma? I got asked to give my thoughts on one of their metrics, and explained "well, it's nonsense because of X, Y and Z". So they checked with a stats professor, who told them "it's nonsense because of X, Y and Z". I can't really go into details, but bluntly, I'd say the formula in question wasn't vacuous or wrong, it was vacuous and wrong...
    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    Six Sigma is common sense with added buzzwords to make you seem like you know what you're talking about ...
    Quote Originally Posted by Icey View Post
    I had a 20 mark ACCA exam question on Six Sigma ... and I passed it!
    Load of old rubbish.
    Root Cause Analysis maybe a buzzword to most, but it immediately found a place in my vocabulary. Too many managers "apply the bandaid".

    In my apprenticeship I first served time in the engineering department. All the apprentices were given an induction talk. We were told that any injury, however slight, had to be entered into the accident book and reported to the medical department.

    Young guys do not whinge over injuries. A few months later we were called in by the line manager who told us that we had the worst accident record of any department in any branch of the company ever. He made it clear that the next guy that reported an accident faced the sack. (The good old days of management.)

    Shortly after that I heard a mate trying to attract attention, but quietly. An oilrag dangling out of his pocket had caught in the leasscrew of a lathe, and his work coat was being slowly wound around his future generation. He had not shouted fearing the consequences if he had an accident. There was too much in the way for me to get there in time but fortunately someone else did.

    Young guys do not whinge over accidents. Root Cause Analysis would have discovered a blonde blue eyed trainne nurse in the medical centre, still worthy of being dreamt about decades later. She had already moved on when the line manager made his threat.

    In every other department I was put into I came across fixes that did not work being applied because the "Root Cause" of the problem had not been found.

    ----

    "picking the low hanging fruit" is something the local MJ venues could learn too. Some of the venues have hundreds, or even thousands, of visitors to them during the course of a week. I have never seen what I would call an effective poster at any of them, and fliers are a rarity.

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    Papa Smurf
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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by bigdjiver View Post
    In every other department I was put into I came across fixes that did not work being applied because the "Root Cause" of the problem had not been found.
    Oh theres no doubt that the fundamental thinking behind of lot of management speak is sound. You may know what RCA actually means in real terms but its a buzzword that is, ive heard it, used as "filler" in conversation to make someone sound clever. In some cases ANY three letter acronym could do instead. "We need to prioritise on the DVD to merge with our VCR and synergising to level out the HDMI". If this wasn't generally true of management, Dilbert would not be as funny.

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    Re: Barmy Buzzwords and Idiotic Idioms.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe View Post
    Oh theres no doubt that the fundamental thinking behind of lot of management speak is sound. You may know what RCA actually means in real terms but its a buzzword that is, ive heard it, used as "filler" in conversation to make someone sound clever. In some cases ANY three letter acronym could do instead. "We need to prioritise on the DVD to merge with our VCR and synergising to level out the HDMI". If this wasn't generally true of management, Dilbert would not be as funny.
    Managers that use any old acronym do not survive. The wolf pack descends upon them demanding explanation and clarification. The acronym used has to be potentially relevant. Any would be challenger has to run the risk that the user of the buzzword will be given the chance to gain points whilst the challenger loses them. Any good buzzword user has a "Professor X wrote and excellent paper on this, you should read it." in reserve.

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