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Thread: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

  1. #1
    Commercial Operator StokeBloke's Avatar
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    Cool Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    There have been lots of debates here about what is and what isn't Blues. So finally, let's put this to rest with an all encompassing explanation:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, "sort of": "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pound."

    4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch... Ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.

    8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.

    9. Good places for the Blues:
    a. Highway
    b. Jailhouse
    c. Empty bed
    d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

    10. Bad places for the Blues:
    a. Nordstrom's.
    b. Gallery openings.
    c. Ivy League institutions.
    d. Golf courses.

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    a. You older than dirt.
    b. You blind.
    c. You shot a man in Memphis.
    d. You can't be satisfied.

    No, if:
    a. You have all your teeth.
    b. You were once blind but now can see.
    c. The man in Memphis lived.
    d. You have a 401K or trust fund.

    13. Blues are not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

    14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. Cheap wine.
    b. Whiskey or bourbon.
    c. Muddy water.
    d. Black coffee.

    The following are not Blues beverages:
    a . Perrier.
    b. Chardonnay.
    c. Snapple.
    d. Slim Fast.

    15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Alma.
    b. Big Mama.
    c. Bessie.
    d. Fat River Dumpling.

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe.
    b. Willie.
    c. Little Willie.
    d. Big Willie.

    18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name starter kit:
    a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Ugly, etc.)
    b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    c. Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")



    Lifted from a Blues group I am a member of.

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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by StokeBloke View Post
    There have been lots of7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.
    Georgia seems to get a lot of rain......


    9. Good places for the Blues:
    a. Highway
    b. Jailhouse
    c. Empty bed
    d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
    Gin Palace.

    d. You can't be satisfied.

    The following are not Blues beverages:
    a . Perrier.
    b. Chardonnay.
    c. Snapple.
    d. Slim Fast.
    Or Double Trouble's BBQ Pimms.


    That's brilliant Stokie.

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    Teacher Paul F's Avatar
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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    love it!!

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    Dickie Davies' love-child Cruella's Avatar
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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!


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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    You is the master Stokie.

    If it comes out of a speaker at Southport then DANCE to it and be happy and privilaged that we can.

    DTS XXX XXX

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    Ceroc N.I. Franchise Owner drathzel's Avatar
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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    well i just giggled my entire way through that!!! So i def aint got the blues!

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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cruella View Post
    Plagarism.

    Naughty boy. You will have to be punished. Come to my house at midnight - no need to bring any equipment.

  8. #8
    Commercial Operator StokeBloke's Avatar
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    Cool Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by Astro View Post
    Plagarism.

    Naughty boy. You will have to be punished. Come to my house at midnight - no need to bring any equipment.
    Well I guess it could be seen as plagiarism if I hadn't included the line:

    "Lifted from a Blues group I am a member of."

    at the bottom of my post

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    Registered User Lost Leader's Avatar
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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by StokeBloke View Post
    Well I guess it could be seen as plagiarism if I hadn't included the line:

    "Lifted from a Blues group I am a member of."

    at the bottom of my post
    Are you saying you don't want to be punished by Astro?

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    Commercial Operator StokeBloke's Avatar
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    Cool Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lost Leader View Post
    Are you saying you don't want to be punished by Astro?
    In a word ..... yes!

  11. #11
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    Re: Finally, an Accurate Definition of Blues !!

    Quote Originally Posted by StokeBloke View Post
    Well I guess it could be seen as plagiarism if I hadn't included the line:

    "Lifted from a Blues group I am a member of."

    at the bottom of my post

    I thought you meant a private group band that's meets together to jam - not something of the internet.

    Unless you and Cruella are in the same blues group - not sure where the organ fits in - mouth organ?

    You do play an instrument don't you? Was it the axe?



    PS
    I've sent the punishment intructions to Twirlie Bird.

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